Nytimes: I’ve picked my job over my kids

[Anonymous]

Yes so entitled to think your birth date is important.


Holocaust, Slavery, Civil War, Genocide, Infertility, Abortion!

[Anonymous]

Work life balance is important.
Sadly, society today seems to give more importance to work needs than to children's and adult needs.
We need more maternity and paternity leave, more flexibility, affordable childcare.
We should change the idea that work life balance should have work as the center and not our human needs. Children are paying a price and so are we, the parents and adults in this game.

[Anonymous]

I hope all the people who think it’s indispensable for women to be home with the kids when they are young are fighting for leave policies like the kind they have in Norway, one year off paid and required by law to hold your job open for a few years if you want it back. And voting for the party that is going to make those changes.

Otherwise you don’t really care about families. You want to limit women’s lives and choices arbitrarily to maintain a patriarchal society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope all the people who think it’s indispensable for women to be home with the kids when they are young are fighting for leave policies like the kind they have in Norway, one year off paid and required by law to hold your job open for a few years if you want it back. And voting for the party that is going to make those changes.

Otherwise you don’t really care about families. You want to limit women’s lives and choices arbitrarily to maintain a patriarchal society.

The kid in question is 7. Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t met her kids, so I really can’t judge. They may be flexible and happy being cared for by grandma and dad and aftercare and camp. I was a sensitive and anxious child, and one of mine is similar, and this arrangement would have been a nightmare. But I know kids who live with dads or grandparents full-time, so obviously a caretaker doesn’t have to be a mother. In some countries 10-year-olds are sent to boarding school. There is no normal, just what your finances allow and what lets you sleep at night.

But I disagree with those who have complained that we would never judge a man who is a father and is never home. I think that if he were the sole caretaker and his absence meant the children had no parent at home for long stretches, we absolutely would judge him. This just virtually never happens. We’re fine with workaholic men because we assume there is a mom spending time with the kids. But if you work 12 hours a day and are the caretaker and travel a lot, most people would judge you for getting a dog, much less a child.

+1

The whole “you wouldn’t say that to a man” crowd doesn’t seem to get that no one judged high achieving men for their professional accomplishments because those men had wives at home who handled everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope all the people who think it’s indispensable for women to be home with the kids when they are young are fighting for leave policies like the kind they have in Norway, one year off paid and required by law to hold your job open for a few years if you want it back. And voting for the party that is going to make those changes.

Otherwise you don’t really care about families. You want to limit women’s lives and choices arbitrarily to maintain a patriarchal society.

This isn't about SAHM vs. WOHM. Kindly stfu.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t met her kids, so I really can’t judge. They may be flexible and happy being cared for by grandma and dad and aftercare and camp. I was a sensitive and anxious child, and one of mine is similar, and this arrangement would have been a nightmare. But I know kids who live with dads or grandparents full-time, so obviously a caretaker doesn’t have to be a mother. In some countries 10-year-olds are sent to boarding school. There is no normal, just what your finances allow and what lets you sleep at night.

But I disagree with those who have complained that we would never judge a man who is a father and is never home. I think that if he were the sole caretaker and his absence meant the children had no parent at home for long stretches, we absolutely would judge him. This just virtually never happens. We’re fine with workaholic men because we assume there is a mom spending time with the kids. But if you work 12 hours a day and are the caretaker and travel a lot, most people would judge you for getting a dog, much less a child.

+1

The whole “you wouldn’t say that to a man” crowd doesn’t seem to get that no one judged high achieving men for their professional accomplishments because those men had wives at home who handled everything.

uhh ... no, we get that.

[Anonymous]

What a misleading title. This should have been titled “the way to excel in your career as a single mother is to have joint custody and a family member willing to act as a surrogate parent.”

Most single parents (and many married ones) wouldn’t be able to leave their own child’s birthday party because they would be the only adult in the room. It sounds like the authors mom doesn’t work at all and just steps in whenever. That’s AMAZING! And not something many people have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t met her kids, so I really can’t judge. They may be flexible and happy being cared for by grandma and dad and aftercare and camp. I was a sensitive and anxious child, and one of mine is similar, and this arrangement would have been a nightmare. But I know kids who live with dads or grandparents full-time, so obviously a caretaker doesn’t have to be a mother. In some countries 10-year-olds are sent to boarding school. There is no normal, just what your finances allow and what lets you sleep at night.

But I disagree with those who have complained that we would never judge a man who is a father and is never home. I think that if he were the sole caretaker and his absence meant the children had no parent at home for long stretches, we absolutely would judge him. This just virtually never happens. We’re fine with workaholic men because we assume there is a mom spending time with the kids. But if you work 12 hours a day and are the caretaker and travel a lot, most people would judge you for getting a dog, much less a child.

+1

The whole “you wouldn’t say that to a man” crowd doesn’t seem to get that no one judged high achieving men for their professional accomplishments because those men had wives at home who handled everything.

uhh ... no, we get that.

Yes, just own your decisions and stop blaming men for your situation in life. Your choice, your life.

[Anonymous]

What nonsense. Change the party date. Life happens. People arrange parties around work, illness, sports etc all of the time.

My DD had one of her first college soccer games on DS's birthday. Away game & he was in school when I left. He & H had a guy's night. We celebrated with a special dinner the day before & a party on the weekend. NBD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It wasn't about a birthday party. It was the daughter believing that her mother's presence on her birthday reflected her love for her.

There's a new video out about Delores Huerta that has extensive interviews with her now adult children. Huerta did unquestionably important work, but it was work that kept her away from her kids for long stretches of time and made her less emotionally available. As kids, her children resented it. As adults, they understand her choices but those choices impacted their relationship with her.

Bazelon's children will probably feel similarly. That doesn't mean that her choices are wrong or bad, but they come with costs.

+1 — from one who’s been there with a high-profile pioneering mom whom I admired but didn’t really know

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What nonsense. Change the party date. Life happens. People arrange parties around work, illness, sports etc all of the time.

My DD had one of her first college soccer games on DS's birthday. Away game & he was in school when I left. He & H had a guy's night. We celebrated with a special dinner the day before & a party on the weekend. NBD

Was your son 7 at the time? There’s a big difference between what we can reasonably expect of a young teen or even a tween in terms of flexibility and understanding and what we can expect of a 7 y.o. Moreover, there’s a difference between missing one kid’s birthday to celebrate another kid’s milestone, compared to missing a birthday because you put your client ahead of your family. I’d say that of a mother or father intentionally choosing to miss a birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a misleading title. This should have been titled “the way to excel in your career as a single mother is to have joint custody and a family member willing to act as a surrogate parent.”

Most single parents (and many married ones) wouldn’t be able to leave their own child’s birthday party because they would be the only adult in the room. It sounds like the authors mom doesn’t work at all and just steps in whenever. That’s AMAZING! And not something many people have.

Almost every dad with a “big” job has this! it’s unusual for women, which is why she wrote the article.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t met her kids, so I really can’t judge. They may be flexible and happy being cared for by grandma and dad and aftercare and camp. I was a sensitive and anxious child, and one of mine is similar, and this arrangement would have been a nightmare. But I know kids who live with dads or grandparents full-time, so obviously a caretaker doesn’t have to be a mother. In some countries 10-year-olds are sent to boarding school. There is no normal, just what your finances allow and what lets you sleep at night.

But I disagree with those who have complained that we would never judge a man who is a father and is never home. I think that if he were the sole caretaker and his absence meant the children had no parent at home for long stretches, we absolutely would judge him. This just virtually never happens. We’re fine with workaholic men because we assume there is a mom spending time with the kids. But if you work 12 hours a day and are the caretaker and travel a lot, most people would judge you for getting a dog, much less a child.

+1

The whole “you wouldn’t say that to a man” crowd doesn’t seem to get that no one judged high achieving men for their professional accomplishments because those men had wives at home who handled everything.

uhh ... no, we get that.

Yes, just own your decisions and stop blaming men for your situation in life. Your choice, your life.

I see the point went wayyy over your head.

[Anonymous]

These women will end up like the men who are like that. The kids won’t really know them and will unlikely to be interested in them beyond $. It is what it is. People make choices that reflect their values and priorities. No one gives men a hard time about it. We shouldn’t give women one either. Nor should we be surprised by the end result.