Nytimes: I’ve picked my job over my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get the angst about the birthdays. I have a conflict such that I have been on work travel for half my 10 yo’s birthday. I always have an elaborate family and separate friend party....just on other days when I can be there. He doesn’t care I am not there on the actual day at all. I call and his dad is there to take him somewhere special for dinner. I can FaceTime him.

It really is no big deal to kids and good to teach them a birthday can be a moveable event and still be fantastic.

These moms are creating people that want divorces when their H doesn’t treat their birthday like the next coming.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t met her kids, so I really can’t judge. They may be flexible and happy being cared for by grandma and dad and aftercare and camp. I was a sensitive and anxious child, and one of mine is similar, and this arrangement would have been a nightmare. But I know kids who live with dads or grandparents full-time, so obviously a caretaker doesn’t have to be a mother. In some countries 10-year-olds are sent to boarding school. There is no normal, just what your finances allow and what lets you sleep at night.

But I disagree with those who have complained that we would never judge a man who is a father and is never home. I think that if he were the sole caretaker and his absence meant the children had no parent at home for long stretches, we absolutely would judge him. This just virtually never happens. We’re fine with workaholic men because we assume there is a mom spending time with the kids. But if you work 12 hours a day and are the caretaker and travel a lot, most people would judge you for getting a dog, much less a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m tired of hearing the “a man would never write this article” response. What about the merits versus ”whataboutism”? And I believe many men would think this way nowadays. Men have really changed in the levels of parenting and child-focus in even the last generation.

Well, it continues to be true. So until men actually start writing this article, we'll keep saying it.

Of course you will, because that ever growing group of unsatisfied angry women who blame men for everything in their life don't know how to do anything else. I wish I could say I feel sorry for you, but I don't. I as a woman live with your disgruntled hate in my daily life every single day and you make me sick. I can't imagine being so unhinged that I couldn't chart my course for happiness (which I have done both professionally and personally) without animosity towards another group of people. You and your kind need serious mental help, but you'll never seek it out. Keep growing older and angrier and wasting those years of your life on hate. Have fun with that.

NP but the only crazy person I see here is you. I'll keep reading the thread though just in case other crazies pop up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get the angst about the birthdays. I have a conflict such that I have been on work travel for half my 10 yo’s birthday. I always have an elaborate family and separate friend party....just on other days when I can be there. He doesn’t care I am not there on the actual day at all. I call and his dad is there to take him somewhere special for dinner. I can FaceTime him.

It really is no big deal to kids and good to teach them a birthday can be a moveable event and still be fantastic.

These moms are creating people that want divorces when their H doesn’t treat their birthday like the next coming.

Honestly, if I raise kids that are so mentally inflexible that they can't deal with celebrating their birthday a few days earlier or later, I will think that I've failed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get the angst about the birthdays. I have a conflict such that I have been on work travel for half my 10 yo’s birthday. I always have an elaborate family and separate friend party....just on other days when I can be there. He doesn’t care I am not there on the actual day at all. I call and his dad is there to take him somewhere special for dinner. I can FaceTime him.

It really is no big deal to kids and good to teach them a birthday can be a moveable event and still be fantastic.

These moms are creating people that want divorces when their H doesn’t treat their birthday like the next coming.

Honestly, if I raise kids that are so mentally inflexible that they can't deal with celebrating their birthday a few days earlier or later, I will think that I've failed.

Or rather, you expect your DC to accept the divorce and the fact that you don't prioritize them. Because your job and your life is more important.

They'll get the message. Don't worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The author is Emily Bazelon's sister - Emily is the NY Times mag writer, author of the new book Charged, and co-host of the Slate Political Gabfest. That is one wildly talented family.

Yeah, they aren't sitting around changing diapers and wiping asses all day thinking that is the sum total of what they have to contribute to the world

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get the angst about the birthdays. I have a conflict such that I have been on work travel for half my 10 yo’s birthday. I always have an elaborate family and separate friend party....just on other days when I can be there. He doesn’t care I am not there on the actual day at all. I call and his dad is there to take him somewhere special for dinner. I can FaceTime him.

It really is no big deal to kids and good to teach them a birthday can be a moveable event and still be fantastic.

These moms are creating people that want divorces when their H doesn’t treat their birthday like the next coming.

Honestly, if I raise kids that are so mentally inflexible that they can't deal with celebrating their birthday a few days earlier or later, I will think that I've failed.

Or rather, you expect your DC to accept the divorce and the fact that you don't prioritize them. Because your job and your life is more important.

They'll get the message. Don't worry.

My kids are now teens (no sign of rigidity like this yet, thankfully), I'm happily married to their father, my kids are happy by their own reporting, and we both work. So yes, I am far enough along to say that raising mentally flexible kids is very important.

You, on the other hand... well, let's just say I see your kids as teens and I know what happens to them.

[Anonymous]

I think its sad a parent would say that in such a public setting that the kids can see when they are older and everyone reads.

[Anonymous]

Dad should have full custody.

[Anonymous]

Stop already with the Cat's in the damn cradle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think we underestimate the variability of impact of these kinds of choices (like missing your kids' birthday parties, never going on the field trips, frequent work travel, etc.) on individual children. Some kids might not care much (more resilient by nature), and others might be devastated by it (more sensitive by nature). If you're not tuned into your kids' emotional lives (which I would argue is impossible unless you're spending quantity and quality time with them) then you may not even be aware of the impact this is having. I for one know my daughter would devastated in the nearterm and probably longterm if I did stuff like this. But other kids might not care that much. You have to parent the child you have.

I agree with this. My brother would have had a complete meltdown and I would have been fine with doing something on another day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get the angst about the birthdays. I have a conflict such that I have been on work travel for half my 10 yo’s birthday. I always have an elaborate family and separate friend party....just on other days when I can be there. He doesn’t care I am not there on the actual day at all. I call and his dad is there to take him somewhere special for dinner. I can FaceTime him.

It really is no big deal to kids and good to teach them a birthday can be a moveable event and still be fantastic.

These moms are creating people that want divorces when their H doesn’t treat their birthday like the next coming.

Honestly, if I raise kids that are so mentally inflexible that they can't deal with celebrating their birthday a few days earlier or later, I will think that I've failed.

Or rather, you expect your DC to accept the divorce and the fact that you don't prioritize them. Because your job and your life is more important.

They'll get the message. Don't worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus, meanwhile over on the Jobs board and the Money board anyone who isn't working 100 hours a week is basically just wasting their 20s, 30s, and 40s, according to the good people of DCUM.

There is no winning with this crowd. Just, no winning at all.

I win at home, not with DCUM.

- full time working parent, who is also present for birthdays.

You know what? If you had to miss a birthday to save someone's life, that would be fine, too. I'm 45 years old. I don't remember my 7th birthday party. I think it's pretty strange to say that only men get to have big jobs - or that anyone with a big job can't responsibly raise children.

Okay, but missing half of your birthdays?

Actual birth date. Half?

Pretty shitty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus, meanwhile over on the Jobs board and the Money board anyone who isn't working 100 hours a week is basically just wasting their 20s, 30s, and 40s, according to the good people of DCUM.

There is no winning with this crowd. Just, no winning at all.

I win at home, not with DCUM.

- full time working parent, who is also present for birthdays.

You know what? If you had to miss a birthday to save someone's life, that would be fine, too. I'm 45 years old. I don't remember my 7th birthday party. I think it's pretty strange to say that only men get to have big jobs - or that anyone with a big job can't responsibly raise children.

Okay, but missing half of your birthdays?

Actual birth date. Half?

Pretty shitty.

I'd say BigLaw parents miss just as many events, for much worse reasons, overall

If your argument is that no one with a big job should have children unless they have a partner who swears never ever ever to divorce them, and who is also willing to give up their career - well, I guess that's an argument. You'd be excluding a lot of people from parenthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus, meanwhile over on the Jobs board and the Money board anyone who isn't working 100 hours a week is basically just wasting their 20s, 30s, and 40s, according to the good people of DCUM.

There is no winning with this crowd. Just, no winning at all.

I win at home, not with DCUM.

- full time working parent, who is also present for birthdays.

You know what? If you had to miss a birthday to save someone's life, that would be fine, too. I'm 45 years old. I don't remember my 7th birthday party. I think it's pretty strange to say that only men get to have big jobs - or that anyone with a big job can't responsibly raise children.

Okay, but missing half of your birthdays?

Actual birth date. Half?

Pretty shitty.

Well, my in-laws who were war refugee immigrants seemed to be just fine with this, and were just thrilled when they were able to be together.

No wonder kids are so anxiety-ridden these days. They've been raised to believe their birthday should be a national holiday or something. I have heard of millennials who are genuinely upset that they don't automatically get paid days off for their birthdays and now I know where that comes from. Ridiculous.