Nytimes: I’ve picked my job over my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only reason this is newsworthy is because it's written by a woman. Men have been doing this kind of parenting for generations and get praise for it.

Men have been doing this kind of parenting for generations and have, rightfully, been vilified for it. Literature is full of stories of children who are unhappy because of a father who was absent due to work. Some people don’t have the luxury to choose prioritizing work over family. Ms. Bazelon is not one of those people. She is making a choice. And in the end, I suspect when she is on her death bed she will not wish she had depend more time at work (even work as important as hers).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.nytimes.com/2019/06/29/opinion/sunday/ive-picked-my-job-over-my-kids.html?action=click&module=Opinion&pgtype=Homepage

Not sure how I felt about this article. I’m in medicine so def know that sometimes work comes before kids but this seems cruel.

“Sometimes my choices make me sad. My daughter’s seventh birthday was the worst. She cried, and I did everything I could not to. I felt sick to my stomach. But I had a trial starting the next day, six hours away.

I had picked the date, not the judge, because I knew that the other side wasn’t ready. Delaying even a few days would have meant losing a crucial advantage. I wasn’t going to risk it knowing what was on the line for my client.”

You might understand better translated into medical terms -- basically, she's fighting for her clients life, and she had to schedule the operation on that day.

That happens every day, multiple time a day.

It’s probably more like, she is the solo general surgeon in a rural area and is on call 24/7. This article is about all of the stuff she had to miss with her kids because she got called in to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a misleading title. This should have been titled “the way to excel in your career as a single mother is to have joint custody and a family member willing to act as a surrogate parent.”

Most single parents (and many married ones) wouldn’t be able to leave their own child’s birthday party because they would be the only adult in the room. It sounds like the authors mom doesn’t work at all and just steps in whenever. That’s AMAZING! And not something many people have.

This. And I wonder how she is going to feel in 20 years when she can’t be there in the same way for her own daughter. Is she going to recognize her mother’s role in her success? Or is she going to blame her daughter for not stepping up “because I did it?” Or are they even going to really be on speaking terms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These women will end up like the men who are like that. The kids won’t really know them and will unlikely to be interested in them beyond $. It is what it is. People make choices that reflect their values and priorities. No one gives men a hard time about it. We shouldn’t give women one either. Nor should we be surprised by the end result.

Nooooo. I've known many people who've had hardworking, ambitious parents who adore these parents as adults. I think it's more about whether the hardworking parent shows consistent love in a variety of ways (affectionate, constantly trying to do things that help the child, how the parent reacts when their kid walks through the door, etc). Kids know when they are loved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These women will end up like the men who are like that. The kids won’t really know them and will unlikely to be interested in them beyond $. It is what it is. People make choices that reflect their values and priorities. No one gives men a hard time about it. We shouldn’t give women one either. Nor should we be surprised by the end result.

Nooooo. I've known many people who've had hardworking, ambitious parents who adore these parents as adults. I think it's more about whether the hardworking parent shows consistent love in a variety of ways (affectionate, constantly trying to do things that help the child, how the parent reacts when their kid walks through the door, etc). Kids know when they are loved.

*people

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a misleading title. This should have been titled “the way to excel in your career as a single mother is to have joint custody and a family member willing to act as a surrogate parent.”

Most single parents (and many married ones) wouldn’t be able to leave their own child’s birthday party because they would be the only adult in the room. It sounds like the authors mom doesn’t work at all and just steps in whenever. That’s AMAZING! And not something many people have.

This. And I wonder how she is going to feel in 20 years when she can’t be there in the same way for her own daughter. Is she going to recognize her mother’s role in her success? Or is she going to blame her daughter for not stepping up “because I did it?” Or are they even going to really be on speaking terms?

+1000

[Anonymous]

This story is full of privilege and I am tired of it. The reality is that many moms can't afford to take a day off to be with their kids because their choice is not about "I could scale down my work and be more with the kids," the choice is "If I take a few hours off for kids' party I will lose my job and my kids will have nothing to eat, I won't have a place over our heads. This same situation is what most fathers have to deal with.
There is a problem with media and it is that it constantly promoted some kind of ideal life, where people have privilege to have a lot of choices, that is hence skewing the perception of people to think that they are failures if they can't provide all of this for their kids. This is a fairy tale that media is promoting and a reason why people are messed up thinking that if a parent is not Betty Crocker and Madeline Albright, at the same time, she/he is not doing it right.
All the pps declaring her a bad mother are delusional matrix like drones promoting this "Mayfair" lifestyle. Nothing but privileged women(probably white) that can't ever imagine that most of people in the world can't even fathom what they are talking about, yet here in the US these drones are imposing their idiotic ideas on all the women of the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This story is full of privilege and I am tired of it. The reality is that many moms can't afford to take a day off to be with their kids because their choice is not about "I could scale down my work and be more with the kids," the choice is "If I take a few hours off for kids' party I will lose my job and my kids will have nothing to eat, I won't have a place over our heads. This same situation is what most fathers have to deal with.
There is a problem with media and it is that it constantly promoted some kind of ideal life, where people have privilege to have a lot of choices, that is hence skewing the perception of people to think that they are failures if they can't provide all of this for their kids. This is a fairy tale that media is promoting and a reason why people are messed up thinking that if a parent is not Betty Crocker and Madeline Albright, at the same time, she/he is not doing it right.
All the pps declaring her a bad mother are delusional matrix like drones promoting this "Mayfair" lifestyle. Nothing but privileged women(probably white) that can't ever imagine that most of people in the world can't even fathom what they are talking about, yet here in the US these drones are imposing their idiotic ideas on all the women of the world.

Where do you live? I live in the US, as does the author of the article. Sorry if discussing issues in the US is a problem to you.

She calls herself a single-parent but she's really not. Her ex has "joint" custody in that he has full custody except when she visits. But you cannot address that at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These women will end up like the men who are like that. The kids won’t really know them and will unlikely to be interested in them beyond $. It is what it is. People make choices that reflect their values and priorities. No one gives men a hard time about it. We shouldn’t give women one either. Nor should we be surprised by the end result.

Nooooo. I've known many people who've had hardworking, ambitious parents who adore these parents as adults. I think it's more about whether the hardworking parent shows consistent love in a variety of ways (affectionate, constantly trying to do things that help the child, how the parent reacts when their kid walks through the door, etc). Kids know when they are loved.

*people

I think it depends in large part on whether parents *had* to work or *chose* to work. There's a world of difference. People with parents who worked all hours to provide a better life for their kids are very different than parents who chose their ambitions over their kids. Even in the latter, I know plenty of adults who respect and admire those parents, but they're not emotionally close to them. To build on your examples above, it's hard to show positive emotions when your kid walks through the door when you aren't around when your did does walk through the door.

I think the work Lara Bazelon is incredibly important and appreciate that she does it. And I also think there are trade-offs to choosing that kind of career over your kids, for men and women both. You can have it all in terms of having that kind of career and having children, but the close relationship with them is hard to build. Strong relationships are just as much about quantity as it is quality; those everyday moments matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This story is full of privilege and I am tired of it. The reality is that many moms can't afford to take a day off to be with their kids because their choice is not about "I could scale down my work and be more with the kids," the choice is "If I take a few hours off for kids' party I will lose my job and my kids will have nothing to eat, I won't have a place over our heads. This same situation is what most fathers have to deal with.
There is a problem with media and it is that it constantly promoted some kind of ideal life, where people have privilege to have a lot of choices, that is hence skewing the perception of people to think that they are failures if they can't provide all of this for their kids. This is a fairy tale that media is promoting and a reason why people are messed up thinking that if a parent is not Betty Crocker and Madeline Albright, at the same time, she/he is not doing it right.
All the pps declaring her a bad mother are delusional matrix like drones promoting this "Mayfair" lifestyle. Nothing but privileged women(probably white) that can't ever imagine that most of people in the world can't even fathom what they are talking about, yet here in the US these drones are imposing their idiotic ideas on all the women of the world.

I completely agree with you, except that I think the drones, who are obviously a few short cards short of a full deck, are basement-dwelling male trolls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This story is full of privilege and I am tired of it. The reality is that many moms can't afford to take a day off to be with their kids because their choice is not about "I could scale down my work and be more with the kids," the choice is "If I take a few hours off for kids' party I will lose my job and my kids will have nothing to eat, I won't have a place over our heads. This same situation is what most fathers have to deal with.
There is a problem with media and it is that it constantly promoted some kind of ideal life, where people have privilege to have a lot of choices, that is hence skewing the perception of people to think that they are failures if they can't provide all of this for their kids. This is a fairy tale that media is promoting and a reason why people are messed up thinking that if a parent is not Betty Crocker and Madeline Albright, at the same time, she/he is not doing it right.
All the pps declaring her a bad mother are delusional matrix like drones promoting this "Mayfair" lifestyle. Nothing but privileged women(probably white) that can't ever imagine that most of people in the world can't even fathom what they are talking about, yet here in the US these drones are imposing their idiotic ideas on all the women of the world.

Agree. I can’t afford to take time off. I have to pay for my house. DH and I are equal earners because we need the money. We have had times where we have had to have NO birthday party (except for a small family celebration) and at times we have had to travel on our child’s bday. But we love her fiercely and would walk into a fire for her. I just hope she remembers how much we love her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These women will end up like the men who are like that. The kids won’t really know them and will unlikely to be interested in them beyond $. It is what it is. People make choices that reflect their values and priorities. No one gives men a hard time about it. We shouldn’t give women one either. Nor should we be surprised by the end result.

Meh. My dad worked at minimum 60 hours a week during my childhood and we are really close.

I swear, I think some of you think raising children is a function of pressing specific levers for X amount of time and you get a clone out. You have such a limited world view that it's fascinating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a misleading title. She did not pick her job over her kids. She is a mom like any other. Though, it sounds like her ex has a full custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This story is full of privilege and I am tired of it. The reality is that many moms can't afford to take a day off to be with their kids because their choice is not about "I could scale down my work and be more with the kids," the choice is "If I take a few hours off for kids' party I will lose my job and my kids will have nothing to eat, I won't have a place over our heads. This same situation is what most fathers have to deal with.
There is a problem with media and it is that it constantly promoted some kind of ideal life, where people have privilege to have a lot of choices, that is hence skewing the perception of people to think that they are failures if they can't provide all of this for their kids. This is a fairy tale that media is promoting and a reason why people are messed up thinking that if a parent is not Betty Crocker and Madeline Albright, at the same time, she/he is not doing it right.
All the pps declaring her a bad mother are delusional matrix like drones promoting this "Mayfair" lifestyle. Nothing but privileged women(probably white) that can't ever imagine that most of people in the world can't even fathom what they are talking about, yet here in the US these drones are imposing their idiotic ideas on all the women of the world.

Where do you live? I live in the US, as does the author of the article. Sorry if discussing issues in the US is a problem to you.

She calls herself a single-parent but she's really not. Her ex has "joint" custody in that he has full custody except when she visits. But you cannot address that at all?

I live in the DMV and this is an issue here, yet your are assuming moms and dads in the U.S. are all in this position? This imposition and idea that she could choose her kids but choose her work is a fairly tale you and her are living, don't speak of what you know nothing of. Your gilded cage is clouding your sight, yes, even for the U.S. and for the DMV too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This story is full of privilege and I am tired of it. The reality is that many moms can't afford to take a day off to be with their kids because their choice is not about "I could scale down my work and be more with the kids," the choice is "If I take a few hours off for kids' party I will lose my job and my kids will have nothing to eat, I won't have a place over our heads. This same situation is what most fathers have to deal with.
There is a problem with media and it is that it constantly promoted some kind of ideal life, where people have privilege to have a lot of choices, that is hence skewing the perception of people to think that they are failures if they can't provide all of this for their kids. This is a fairy tale that media is promoting and a reason why people are messed up thinking that if a parent is not Betty Crocker and Madeline Albright, at the same time, she/he is not doing it right.
All the pps declaring her a bad mother are delusional matrix like drones promoting this "Mayfair" lifestyle. Nothing but privileged women(probably white) that can't ever imagine that most of people in the world can't even fathom what they are talking about, yet here in the US these drones are imposing their idiotic ideas on all the women of the world.

Where do you live? I live in the US, as does the author of the article. Sorry if discussing issues in the US is a problem to you.

She calls herself a single-parent but she's really not. Her ex has "joint" custody in that he has full custody except when she visits. But you cannot address that at all?