Nytimes: I’ve picked my job over my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lara Bazelon does REALLY important work, and a man would never even think to write this article, of course. Also, the headline does not reflect the actual article.

This article made me tear up a little to think about the sacrifices I have made, though. Prior to having kids, I worked at a civil rights law firm lead by women, and I transitioned in to government specifically because I saw how very, very difficult it was to raise kids as a litigator.

Now I'm dug into a boring government job, probably for life, where I think I make something of a difference, but not even close to working on actual innocence cases. Still, I know that I would never have the personal & family resources to lead her life.

This has NOTHING to do with "man hate." Men have written plenty of important articles about work/life balance. You need help when everything that comes out of your mouth starts with hatred of another human being.

ok, link to the last NYTimes op ed article written by a man about work-life balance.

also you're projecting - where did I write about "man hate"? this is about the continuing stereotypes about the "good mother."

I dunno, failing to show up to your kid's birthday party is a bad look for a dad. Sometimes it happens, sure. But it's less than ideal.

Men:. Fatherhood is 90% showing up.

Women:. Same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Children do not need to come first when 1st means they need a birthday party. First means they need food, shelter, education and love/protection.

This is not new. Even women who “stayed home” cared for the animals on the farm and the garden. They did not coddle their child’s every need.

The endless need to coddle children’s every whim is the problem not missing a few ridiculous newly invented events in their life like the 100th day of school, K graduation, the endless need to go to a pumpkin patch every Fall.

Uh, no, that's literally the bare minimum that a parent is legally required to provide their child with.

Damn, the standards are the floor now, I guess!

[Anonymous]

It wasn't about a birthday party. It was the daughter believing that her mother's presence on her birthday reflected her love for her.

There's a new video out about Delores Huerta that has extensive interviews with her now adult children. Huerta did unquestionably important work, but it was work that kept her away from her kids for long stretches of time and made her less emotionally available. As kids, her children resented it. As adults, they understand her choices but those choices impacted their relationship with her.

Bazelon's children will probably feel similarly. That doesn't mean that her choices are wrong or bad, but they come with costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lara Bazelon does REALLY important work, and a man would never even think to write this article, of course. Also, the headline does not reflect the actual article.

This article made me tear up a little to think about the sacrifices I have made, though. Prior to having kids, I worked at a civil rights law firm lead by women, and I transitioned in to government specifically because I saw how very, very difficult it was to raise kids as a litigator.

Now I'm dug into a boring government job, probably for life, where I think I make something of a difference, but not even close to working on actual innocence cases. Still, I know that I would never have the personal & family resources to lead her life.

This has NOTHING to do with "man hate." Men have written plenty of important articles about work/life balance. You need help when everything that comes out of your mouth starts with hatred of another human being.

ok, link to the last NYTimes op ed article written by a man about work-life balance.

also you're projecting - where did I write about "man hate"? this is about the continuing stereotypes about the "good mother."

Man hate, not even necessary to interject this into your response. You wanted to bring anger against men into your post and you did it, congratulations!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She did the right thing. Who cares about a birthday party? And I say this as a stay at home mother who organizes great birthday parties. Her client is more important.

The seven year old cares about the birth party, that seven year old child cares. Shame on you.

The man who was wrongly imprisoned for 34 years needs her more that day. Shame on YOU.

[Anonymous]

I would miss most things in my child's life for important work - concerts, soccer games, school events. If the court scheduled a trial, I would also miss a birthday party if there was no other choice. But I would never voluntarily put myself in the situation of having to do so. We tried for years to have my son and spent thousands of dollars on fertility treatments. This is it for me, no more kids possible. I'm attending every birthday of his that I can. If I could not do that consistent with zealous representation of a particular client, I would decline the case. I don't judge someone else for making a different choice at all, or think that it makes them a bad mother, but that's how I feel. My kid would be fine if I missed the party, but its important to ME to be there, because I'm never going to attend another 7th birthday of any child of mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She did the right thing. Who cares about a birthday party? And I say this as a stay at home mother who organizes great birthday parties. Her client is more important.

The seven year old cares about the birth party, that seven year old child cares. Shame on you.

I love my kids, and was SAHM and a WOHM on and off. Birthday parties are over done and kid will not remember that mom was not there for one party. We didn't celebrate birthdays with any party in my country, heck maybe not even with a cake with the family. Above op is right, you are too dramatic about what the 7 year old cares. This is why we have entitled kids and young adults now. Every single whim catered to and every single thing a big deal. Did you ever pause to think that in fact a working mom is doing more good to her kids than a SAHM in many ways? She is teaching them to work, not to neglect their obligation, the article clearly says that she is balancing it, sometimes she works, sometimes she takes off for her kids. Society has gone nuts over being some "perfect" mom. She seems more present than many of the SAHM in most decades, heck in just about any decade than the last two. You remember 60s SAHM, kids played out and came inside for food. And all the kids born during WWII, when moms worked? Or kids in just about any country that has a better standard of living, and any Eastern European mom till 2 decades ago that worked as this was expected? He exact situation is how kids around the world are raised, switching between one and the other parent and grandparents helping a ton. Get off you judgy pedestal and get real. the kids are fine, honey!

[Anonymous]

She wrote that her ex has joint custody. She also wrote that her ex, grandma and others cared for them while she was away. She came home to visit and I’m sure the kids were happy to see her even if she was preoccupied by the case. Moms are always hard on ourselves. Sounds like her ex does similar work based on the note written by the son and sounds like he gets it. We can spend tons of time with our kids and have a terrible relationship as adults. I don’t judge any other parent.

[Anonymous]

Career oriented women love to blame men for everything. Look inward, not outward.

[Anonymous]

Maybe being a parent shouldn’t be the standard. If you have busy job, important job, let that be your focus. There are only so many hours in a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe being a parent shouldn’t be the standard. If you have busy job, important job, let that be your focus. There are only so many hours in a day.

This applies to men and women.

[Anonymous]

A couple years ago an acquaintance wrote a piece for the NY Times about how she and her dh and kids did “family breakfast” because her husband, a lawyer, had missed so many family special occasions and birthday dinners because he couldn’t make it home on time. It was a feel-good, look how we’ve made it work piece but I kept thinking, if this were about how a mom missed her kids birthday dinners because she had to work late, she would’ve been crucified.

Lara B seems like a perfectly decent dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple years ago an acquaintance wrote a piece for the NY Times about how she and her dh and kids did “family breakfast” because her husband, a lawyer, had missed so many family special occasions and birthday dinners because he couldn’t make it home on time. It was a feel-good, look how we’ve made it work piece but I kept thinking, if this were about how a mom missed her kids birthday dinners because she had to work late, she would’ve been crucified.

Lara B seems like a perfectly decent dad.

Actually, she seems to be an above-deadbeat-level dad. She's active in her child's life but is unreliable, routinely misses family events, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lara Bazelon does REALLY important work, and a man would never even think to write this article, of course. Also, the headline does not reflect the actual article.

This article made me tear up a little to think about the sacrifices I have made, though. Prior to having kids, I worked at a civil rights law firm lead by women, and I transitioned in to government specifically because I saw how very, very difficult it was to raise kids as a litigator.

Now I'm dug into a boring government job, probably for life, where I think I make something of a difference, but not even close to working on actual innocence cases. Still, I know that I would never have the personal & family resources to lead her life.

This has NOTHING to do with "man hate." Men have written plenty of important articles about work/life balance. You need help when everything that comes out of your mouth starts with hatred of another human being.

ok, link to the last NYTimes op ed article written by a man about work-life balance.

also you're projecting - where did I write about "man hate"? this is about the continuing stereotypes about the "good mother."

Man hate, not even necessary to interject this into your response. You wanted to bring anger against men into your post and you did it, congratulations!

dp stating the truth doesn't mean the pp hates men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Career oriented women love to blame men for everything. Look inward, not outward.

Who are you talking to? The author of the article clearly takes responsibility for the choices that she has made. She speaks very highly of her ex - a man. And she’s doing incredibly important work.