Nytimes: I’ve picked my job over my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This story is full of privilege and I am tired of it. The reality is that many moms can't afford to take a day off to be with their kids because their choice is not about "I could scale down my work and be more with the kids," the choice is "If I take a few hours off for kids' party I will lose my job and my kids will have nothing to eat, I won't have a place over our heads. This same situation is what most fathers have to deal with.
There is a problem with media and it is that it constantly promoted some kind of ideal life, where people have privilege to have a lot of choices, that is hence skewing the perception of people to think that they are failures if they can't provide all of this for their kids. This is a fairy tale that media is promoting and a reason why people are messed up thinking that if a parent is not Betty Crocker and Madeline Albright, at the same time, she/he is not doing it right.
All the pps declaring her a bad mother are delusional matrix like drones promoting this "Mayfair" lifestyle. Nothing but privileged women(probably white) that can't ever imagine that most of people in the world can't even fathom what they are talking about, yet here in the US these drones are imposing their idiotic ideas on all the women of the world.

Where do you live? I live in the US, as does the author of the article. Sorry if discussing issues in the US is a problem to you.

She calls herself a single-parent but she's really not. Her ex has "joint" custody in that he has full custody except when she visits. But you cannot address that at all?

I live in the DMV and this is an issue here, yet your are assuming moms and dads in the U.S. are all in this position? This imposition and idea that she could choose her kids but choose her work is a fairly tale you and her are living, don't speak of what you know nothing of. Your gilded cage is clouding your sight, yes, even for the U.S. and for the DMV too.

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by this. She cannot choose her kids? She cannot choose her work?

I don't live in a gilded cage, although I do live in the DMV.

DP. You obviously live in a gilded cage. You just can't see the bars, because that's too scary for you, so you look away.

So there's two of you?

Clearly there is two of us, and many more, I am pp of the long first quote post. Inserting a funny e moji, mocking what you don't understand, is only making you look worse in a serious conversation that you can't comprehend.

This isn't a serious conversation. All you said is that she's privileged and you don't want to discuss her life.

I think that she has made a choice that plenty of dads have made, some have later regretted, and others haven't. But she doesn't seem to have acknowledged it. Choosing to prioritize your ambition over your kids is fine, but it is not the same as choosing to prioritize paying the bills or not getting fired. Children understand and appreciate all of these priorities.

And yes, I think in the DMV and the US that parents can choose jobs and careers, to some extent. It can be difficult and take a long time to change jobs or careers, to advance or start over. But it's possible, for many people, not just the 1%.

[Anonymous]

Summary thoughts

If you are type A ambitious/think before you have kids. There is no shame in wanting to have a career vs wanting to be a parent. There are plenty of childless couples out there.

If you want children than there will be a trade-off. There needs to be at least one default parent mom, dad, grandparent, outside hired help etc.

You can't have it all. It's a myth it's bs. You can't have a high powered career and be a good parent you can't there aren't enough hours in the day.

So again in conclusion, it's ok not to have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's really BS about articles like this is we are 11 pages deep fighting about moms v dads but really, for the working poor, this is just what life is like. Do you think the mom who is a bus driver by day and home health aide by night is organizing school events, taking her kids trick or treating, and throwing birthday parties? But we don't talk about that. We talk about how sad it is when professional, upper middle class moms can't show up at f*47ing Sky Zone 8 out of 9 years.

1). I don’t think that many women on DCUM believe these women should have children. There was a huge thread a while ago where many people agreed that a couple shouldn’t have children if they can’t make it to every soccer game. I am positive they don’t think you should have children if you are working poor and working two jobs.

2). I know many people in similar positions to what you describe. There are tons of downsides, but one benefit of jobs like these is that they don’t tend to take you away from friends and family. Of the people I know, usually only one parent works these long hours while the other pretty much stays home ior works very part time while family members watch the children. A lot of time extended family lives together or very nearby, and they are all just home a lot. Frankly, I think they are often much closer than a lot of UMC families that are separated by distance and always “go go go.”
And of course, like most people, my friends celebrate holidays and birthdays with their children and host birthday parties. Of course, there are good and bad parents in every walk of life, but I am not sure why you think that someone wouldn’t acknowledge their child’s birthday just because they are a bus driver or a CNA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's really BS about articles like this is we are 11 pages deep fighting about moms v dads but really, for the working poor, this is just what life is like. Do you think the mom who is a bus driver by day and home health aide by night is organizing school events, taking her kids trick or treating, and throwing birthday parties? But we don't talk about that. We talk about how sad it is when professional, upper middle class moms can't show up at f*47ing Sky Zone 8 out of 9 years.

1). I don’t think that many women on DCUM believe these women should have children. There was a huge thread a while ago where many people agreed that a couple shouldn’t have children if they can’t make it to every soccer game. I am positive they don’t think you should have children if you are working poor and working two jobs.

2). I know many people in similar positions to what you describe. There are tons of downsides, but one benefit of jobs like these is that they don’t tend to take you away from friends and family. Of the people I know, usually only one parent works these long hours while the other pretty much stays home ior works very part time while family members watch the children. A lot of time extended family lives together or very nearby, and they are all just home a lot. Frankly, I think they are often much closer than a lot of UMC families that are separated by distance and always “go go go.”
And of course, like most people, my friends celebrate holidays and birthdays with their children and host birthday parties. Of course, there are good and bad parents in every walk of life, but I am not sure why you think that someone wouldn’t acknowledge their child’s birthday just because they are a bus driver or a CNA.

Well, the bolded is certainly horrifying. A world filled only with the offspring of DCUM posters and their ilk? My God, what a dystopian nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's really BS about articles like this is we are 11 pages deep fighting about moms v dads but really, for the working poor, this is just what life is like. Do you think the mom who is a bus driver by day and home health aide by night is organizing school events, taking her kids trick or treating, and throwing birthday parties? But we don't talk about that. We talk about how sad it is when professional, upper middle class moms can't show up at f*47ing Sky Zone 8 out of 9 years.

1). I don’t think that many women on DCUM believe these women should have children. There was a huge thread a while ago where many people agreed that a couple shouldn’t have children if they can’t make it to every soccer game. I am positive they don’t think you should have children if you are working poor and working two jobs.

2). I know many people in similar positions to what you describe. There are tons of downsides, but one benefit of jobs like these is that they don’t tend to take you away from friends and family. Of the people I know, usually only one parent works these long hours while the other pretty much stays home ior works very part time while family members watch the children. A lot of time extended family lives together or very nearby, and they are all just home a lot. Frankly, I think they are often much closer than a lot of UMC families that are separated by distance and always “go go go.”
And of course, like most people, my friends celebrate holidays and birthdays with their children and host birthday parties. Of course, there are good and bad parents in every walk of life, but I am not sure why you think that someone wouldn’t acknowledge their child’s birthday just because they are a bus driver or a CNA.

Well, the bolded is certainly horrifying. A world filled only with the offspring of DCUM posters and their ilk? My God, what a dystopian nightmare.

DP who knows exactly which thread that is and, yes, it's horrifying to contemplate. I agree with PP that so many of the posters really do believe that only the incredibly privileged should have children. It's sickening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's really BS about articles like this is we are 11 pages deep fighting about moms v dads but really, for the working poor, this is just what life is like. Do you think the mom who is a bus driver by day and home health aide by night is organizing school events, taking her kids trick or treating, and throwing birthday parties? But we don't talk about that. We talk about how sad it is when professional, upper middle class moms can't show up at f*47ing Sky Zone 8 out of 9 years.

1). I don’t think that many women on DCUM believe these women should have children. There was a huge thread a while ago where many people agreed that a couple shouldn’t have children if they can’t make it to every soccer game. I am positive they don’t think you should have children if you are working poor and working two jobs.

2). I know many people in similar positions to what you describe. There are tons of downsides, but one benefit of jobs like these is that they don’t tend to take you away from friends and family. Of the people I know, usually only one parent works these long hours while the other pretty much stays home ior works very part time while family members watch the children. A lot of time extended family lives together or very nearby, and they are all just home a lot. Frankly, I think they are often much closer than a lot of UMC families that are separated by distance and always “go go go.”
And of course, like most people, my friends celebrate holidays and birthdays with their children and host birthday parties. Of course, there are good and bad parents in every walk of life, but I am not sure why you think that someone wouldn’t acknowledge their child’s birthday just because they are a bus driver or a CNA.

Well, the bolded is certainly horrifying. A world filled only with the offspring of DCUM posters and their ilk? My God, what a dystopian nightmare.

Hahaha! It sounds like something from Ursula Le Guin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's really BS about articles like this is we are 11 pages deep fighting about moms v dads but really, for the working poor, this is just what life is like. Do you think the mom who is a bus driver by day and home health aide by night is organizing school events, taking her kids trick or treating, and throwing birthday parties? But we don't talk about that. We talk about how sad it is when professional, upper middle class moms can't show up at f*47ing Sky Zone 8 out of 9 years.

+1

[Anonymous]

Hmm I think she’s being too hard on herself. It sounds like she’s doing a good job making her kids know that they are loved. I’m an attorney as well. I picked a boring federal government job that pays well so that I can be home. I hate it. We all make choices and have to live with them. I wish I could have it all and some people do. But those people are not the majority.

[Anonymous]

The article’s title is click bait. She clearly cares about her children but also cares about her work and like many people is finding it difficult to balance the two. Why are white people so obsessed with birthdays? I think this is why white people are so self absorbed. My mom was a cleaning lady and my dad was a janitor who worked two jobs. They did miss a couple or birthdays (working all day) and it was sad but I moved on. We were raised in a loving family and spending time together was important. We were lucky to be surrounded by loving grandparents and aunts and uncles who took care of us when our parents were busy. My husband and I are both doctors and I try my best to balance life and work and sometimes one comes before the other but overall my kids are well loved and will hopefully grow up knowing the importance of family and hard work. My mom used to take us to cleaning jobs with her sometimes and we loved it although we would sometimes complain about the work. Unfortunately I can’t take my kids to my job but I do ask them to help around the house. They grumble but it’s okay

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she picked a good husband and father. Then divorced him so she could spend more time at the office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Summary thoughts

If you are type A ambitious/think before you have kids. There is no shame in wanting to have a career vs wanting to be a parent. There are plenty of childless couples out there.

If you want children than there will be a trade-off. There needs to be at least one default parent mom, dad, grandparent, outside hired help etc.

You can't have it all. It's a myth it's bs. You can't have a high powered career and be a good parent you can't there aren't enough hours in the day.

So again in conclusion, it's ok not to have kids.

Don't be daft... true you can't have it all.

You can't have a career, raise kids and lunch with your friends at the club and volunteer for every stupid holiday party and do yoga and jet off to a mommy weekend 3 times a year take tennis lessons and be in a pretend tennis tournament and run marathons.

But you can have a career and raise kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The article’s title is click bait. She clearly cares about her children but also cares about her work and like many people is finding it difficult to balance the two. Why are white people so obsessed with birthdays? I think this is why white people are so self absorbed. My mom was a cleaning lady and my dad was a janitor who worked two jobs. They did miss a couple or birthdays (working all day) and it was sad but I moved on. We were raised in a loving family and spending time together was important. We were lucky to be surrounded by loving grandparents and aunts and uncles who took care of us when our parents were busy. My husband and I are both doctors and I try my best to balance life and work and sometimes one comes before the other but overall my kids are well loved and will hopefully grow up knowing the importance of family and hard work. My mom used to take us to cleaning jobs with her sometimes and we loved it although we would sometimes complain about the work. Unfortunately I can’t take my kids to my job but I do ask them to help around the house. They grumble but it’s okay

This.

The best parents actually miss things and let their kids be disappointed about meaningless sh*t every once in a while.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's just because we have a lot of friends who are in the military, but I know several moms and dads who have missed kids' birthdays and the like because they were busy doing their job. Their kids have great relationships with them. And don't say it's because defending our country's freedom and defending a wrongfully convicted person aren't the same thing, because all of you who are screaming BUT THE CHILDREN! have stated that how the kids feel is important, and I sincerely doubt that a seven-year old is going to concretely grasp the difference between the two jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These justifications fall flat. For pretty much anyone out there, the author included, there are other people who could and would do the job. Nearly none of us is so unique or special in our job so as to be indispensable to our clients or employers.

So, by "anyone" you mean men or childless women?

[Anonymous]

I'm a lawyer who has worked part-time since my oldest was 2. Obviously, I made a different choice than Bazelon, but I'm willing to stipulate that she's a good enough mother. That said, though, what really annoyed me about this piece was her statement that she's never coached a team or chaperoned a field trip or organized a school event. Assuming her kids participate in these activities, it seems like the height of irresponsibility and arrogance for her to punk out and expect other parents (most of whom probably WOHM or have other significant time commitments) to do all the grunt work.