Widower with three kids - am I crazy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandfather was a widower with 12 kids when he met my grandmother. His youngest was 6 months. She helped raising them and had a happy life.

Most people want to lead their own life, not help someone else lead theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure I'd have the courage to date a guy with 3 kids as a good relationship with a single guy is difficult to achieve. Everything in that relationship becomes incredibly difficult which means that more things can go wrong. What OP has going for her is that she has known him for a few years so it's not a sudden infatuation with some good looking guy and then discover he has three kids. And just finding time to be alone together will be a big hurdle.

From OP's comments she sounds like she recognizes a lot of the big challenges and if she takes it slow she will be able to find out many of the little ones. If the Dad is smart and it sounds like he is he won't want to create a new dynamic until he is sure, as best as one can be, that it will work out. Heck, they've only had one date!

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the update, OP! Can't wait to hear more!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to love the kids as well as him to make this work. He would have to respect that you are now their mom. Blended family next door is breaking up because dad overrides his new wife's perfectly reasonable household rules. Shoes off, wash hands, no jumping on sofa.

Yup this. I married into a similar situation OP. I loved the man. I loved the kids. But I was always relegated to second place. I don’t mean trivial things like Valentines dates vs school plays. Or stuff like sex being interrupted by a nightmare or sick kid. No I mean stuff like pp mentioned , I mean that when my aunt who raised me became ill and passed away it was an actual argument if he would go to the funeral and support me or skip it for the first day of school.

Yes his kids are important but this doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated like an afterthought.

Looking back I believed I went to fast with my ex because I was late 30s .

This could be a great thing, but take your time and really get to know him and what he expects your role to be.

[b]


Maybe I'm weird but I think the first day of school is more important that your aunt's funeral. I don't have kids but I work with them. I assume you had other family at the funeral?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to love the kids as well as him to make this work. He would have to respect that you are now their mom. Blended family next door is breaking up because dad overrides his new wife's perfectly reasonable household rules. Shoes off, wash hands, no jumping on sofa.

Yup this. I married into a similar situation OP. I loved the man. I loved the kids. But I was always relegated to second place. I don’t mean trivial things like Valentines dates vs school plays. Or stuff like sex being interrupted by a nightmare or sick kid. No I mean stuff like pp mentioned , I mean that when my aunt who raised me became ill and passed away it was an actual argument if he would go to the funeral and support me or skip it for the first day of school.

Yes his kids are important but this doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated like an afterthought.

Looking back I believed I went to fast with my ex because I was late 30s .

This could be a great thing, but take your time and really get to know him and what he expects your role to be.

[b]


Maybe I'm weird but I think the first day of school is more important that your aunt's funeral. I don't have kids but I work with them. I assume you had other family at the funeral?

Pp said this was the aunt who raised her so basically a parent. Spouses go to parent funerals period.

[Anonymous]

This is like my dream scenario. A proven husband and father, no guesswork as you will see/know his record. No mommy drama from ex wife. I also love kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, opening yourself up --- freeing yourself to see what happens ---- this is always a good thing. You don't need to know the eventual outcome. That's not how life works.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, opening yourself up --- freeing yourself to see what happens ---- this is always a good thing. You don't need to know the eventual outcome. That's not how life works.

This

I agree - this is really a Hallmark type thing but OP sounds grounded.

[Anonymous]

I hope this works out given all of the other stuff on this site. But please take it slow because it won't be easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope this works out given all of the other stuff on this site. But please take it slow because it won't be easy.

I agree it won't be easy. The list of possible issues or challenges would be so long as to be scary. I hope OP takes her time and doesn't get blinded by love. But at the same time it would be wonderful for all if it works out.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like it could be complicated at times, but potentially really rewarding. But maybe don't pursue it if you want kids of your own. He (and you) would likely have your hands full with the current 3. Some women are fine with that; others would have a harder time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to love the kids as well as him to make this work. He would have to respect that you are now their mom. Blended family next door is breaking up because dad overrides his new wife's perfectly reasonable household rules. Shoes off, wash hands, no jumping on sofa.

Yup this. I married into a similar situation OP. I loved the man. I loved the kids. But I was always relegated to second place. I don’t mean trivial things like Valentines dates vs school plays. Or stuff like sex being interrupted by a nightmare or sick kid. No I mean stuff like pp mentioned , I mean that when my aunt who raised me became ill and passed away it was an actual argument if he would go to the funeral and support me or skip it for the first day of school.

Yes his kids are important but this doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated like an afterthought.

Looking back I believed I went to fast with my ex because I was late 30s .

This could be a great thing, but take your time and really get to know him and what he expects your role to be.

[b]


Maybe I'm weird but I think the first day of school is more important that your aunt's funeral. I don't have kids but I work with them. I assume you had other family at the funeral?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to love the kids as well as him to make this work. He would have to respect that you are now their mom. Blended family next door is breaking up because dad overrides his new wife's perfectly reasonable household rules. Shoes off, wash hands, no jumping on sofa.

Yup this. I married into a similar situation OP. I loved the man. I loved the kids. But I was always relegated to second place. I don’t mean trivial things like Valentines dates vs school plays. Or stuff like sex being interrupted by a nightmare or sick kid. No I mean stuff like pp mentioned , I mean that when my aunt who raised me became ill and passed away it was an actual argument if he would go to the funeral and support me or skip it for the first day of school.

Yes his kids are important but this doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated like an afterthought.

Looking back I believed I went to fast with my ex because I was late 30s .

This could be a great thing, but take your time and really get to know him and what he expects your role to be.

[b]


Maybe I'm weird but I think the first day of school is more important that your aunt's funeral. I don't have kids but I work with them. I assume you had other family at the funeral?

Pp said this was the aunt who raised her so basically a parent. Spouses go to parent funerals period.

What? This is nuts. All that happens on the first day of school is parents take a picture. It’s NBD. Any grandparent or babysitter can do that. They’ll have the sand teacher, the sand classroom, the same classmates all year. I say that as a mom of two kids. I would absolutely attend a close family members funeral. The first day of school wouldn’t even register as a possible reason to skip it.

Some people are all about being helicopter parents. I see no value to that approach, I prefer to model independence and treating family with respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to love the kids as well as him to make this work. He would have to respect that you are now their mom. Blended family next door is breaking up because dad overrides his new wife's perfectly reasonable household rules. Shoes off, wash hands, no jumping on sofa.

Yup this. I married into a similar situation OP. I loved the man. I loved the kids. But I was always relegated to second place. I don’t mean trivial things like Valentines dates vs school plays. Or stuff like sex being interrupted by a nightmare or sick kid. No I mean stuff like pp mentioned , I mean that when my aunt who raised me became ill and passed away it was an actual argument if he would go to the funeral and support me or skip it for the first day of school.

Yes his kids are important but this doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated like an afterthought.

Looking back I believed I went to fast with my ex because I was late 30s .

This could be a great thing, but take your time and really get to know him and what he expects your role to be.

[b]


Maybe I'm weird but I think the first day of school is more important that your aunt's funeral. I don't have kids but I work with them. I assume you had other family at the funeral?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to love the kids as well as him to make this work. He would have to respect that you are now their mom. Blended family next door is breaking up because dad overrides his new wife's perfectly reasonable household rules. Shoes off, wash hands, no jumping on sofa.

Yup this. I married into a similar situation OP. I loved the man. I loved the kids. But I was always relegated to second place. I don’t mean trivial things like Valentines dates vs school plays. Or stuff like sex being interrupted by a nightmare or sick kid. No I mean stuff like pp mentioned , I mean that when my aunt who raised me became ill and passed away it was an actual argument if he would go to the funeral and support me or skip it for the first day of school.

Yes his kids are important but this doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated like an afterthought.

Looking back I believed I went to fast with my ex because I was late 30s .

This could be a great thing, but take your time and really get to know him and what he expects your role to be.

[b]


Maybe I'm weird but I think the first day of school is more important that your aunt's funeral. I don't have kids but I work with them. I assume you had other family at the funeral?

Pp said this was the aunt who raised her so basically a parent. Spouses go to parent funerals period.

What? This is nuts. All that happens on the first day of school is parents take a picture. It’s NBD. Any grandparent or babysitter can do that. They’ll have the sand teacher, the sand classroom, the same classmates all year. I say that as a mom of two kids. I would absolutely attend a close family members funeral. The first day of school wouldn’t even register as a possible reason to skip it.

Some people are all about being helicopter parents. I see no value to that approach, I prefer to model independence and treating family with respect.

Maybe if it was the first ever day of school (PK or K) and kid was really freaked out? Then I could totally see it. Remember that these are kids who have been through the trauma of losing a parent already; of course he coddles them. Also, "aunt who raised me" is a little different than parent depending on exactly what you mean, so he may not have "gotten" that aspect of it.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here-

I'd go to the first day of school over a funeral any day. The funeral is full of people who can give support. Kids come first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here-

I'd go to the first day of school over a funeral any day. The funeral is full of people who can give support. Kids come first.

I think this attitude does a disservice to the kids.

Part of being in a family means learning to support each other, and the best way to teach empathy is to model it. Some examples include sometimes going to your sister's soccer game even though you would rather stay home and play legos. Sometimes it means that mom and dad can't make it to an important event because they have a work trip, or they're attending a funeral to support extended family. Other times, your whole family shows up to see your play or your graduation to support YOU.

A child old enough to be in school is old enough to understand empathy.

I can't believe this is even a question! Wow. Just wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey we need an update!

OP here! I can't believe I just logged on but here is the update. There is nothing to report since our date on Saturday except texts and a couple of very nice calls. He really wants to spend time with me and now we are just working on how and when but I did invite him to my place for dinner this weekend. He's sure he will find a sitter but he said it's the first weekend sitter he's had to arrange. I've never dated a guy with kids before so I guess that this is something I will need to get use to but I think he's worth it. We are very much in agreement that we need to move slowly as it relates to his children getting to know me. We also have to deal with the fact that are companies do business together and that just adds another level of complexity. It's never easy!

I hope he has a big wang. That would really be the icing on cake, so to speak.

Since she invited him to dinner at her place you can be pretty sure her intent is to check the icing on the cake. That must be the dessert she has planned. lol kidding aside, good luck OP!

OP here - I just caught up with this. He is coming to dinner tomorrow night and we'll see how it goes. I would be receptive to the icing on the cake but I will leave it up to him. Maybe I should serve oysters!