women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not the signing up for camp and making doctor's appointments, it is the responsibility to remember that those type of things need to be done.

Not the OP, but I don't always want to be the one assigning those tasks, sometimes I would rather have them assigned to me. Besides work (FT), I have to juggle all that stuff in my head.

Sometimes I want to be the one who is told where and when to show up. Too much to ask, maybe?

That isn't 'mental labor'. Unless you are seriously handicapped, as an adult you have to notice that things need to be done and do them. What you call "Mental Labor" appears to be what was formerly known as "Nagging". Your husband would likely appreciate it if you stopped the "Mental Labor" altogether. I expect that is why he doesn't tell you what to do and where to be, you know "do unto others ... "

Fine, it is so easy? Then let him do it. But it doesn't happen. I'm guessing you are a SAHM.

If you let him do it, what he thinks needs to be done, will be done by him and you will not have to 'mentally labor' over it. You are then free to notice other stuff that needs to be done, and do it. Why would you think that I was a SAHM?

Dude. It does NOT work that way with these guys. I have waited literally SIX YEARS for my DH to open a 529 for our son, and he has not done so. It's getting to late to wait, so I have to do it. I'm about to do our car registration (last day) because despite leaving it out for him on the table for TWO WEEKS he did nothing. I could go on and on with the millions of examples of dropped balls. Only when it's something that truly has no consequences for our child or our finances do I leave it up to him. Managing emergencies caused by him is MORE WORK for me.

Guessing the 529 is more important to you than it is to him, so you do it. One time thing to set it up anyway. If he doesn't renew the tags, he can't drive the car, so it will become important to him and he'll pay the $ 20 or so late fee on top of the renewal. Unless it is your car, then he won't care and you should just do it.
None of that is anything more than you creating extra problems for yourself.

You seriously think our child not having money for college, and driving on expired tags, is an option? No, it is not. (And, the car is registered under my name, although my DH drives it exclusively.)

If the car is registered to you therefore 'your car', you really should be handling the renewal. Falls under the heading of 'handling your business'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, but then again he does all the handyman work around the house, lawn work including mulching and weeding and planting, cleans the grill, gets up on a ladder to change lightbulbs, organizes the garage, takes my car in for oil changes and routine service, swaps out the air filters on our AC unit, kills bugs when I ask (!), interviews hires contractors for renovations projects, fixes our tv/internet/fios when it goes out of whack.

I'm ok with traditional distribution of labor. Every marriage is different but this works for us. Marriage to me is about contributing in different ways and respecting each other.

My DH is the same way. Today he took both cars to the shop. Had tires balanced and rotated on one and new tires put on the other. He then had both cars detailed. When I need a new car he does all the research and goes through the awful task of haggling at the dealership. Our yard is immaculate, because of him. Additionally he is very involved in all of our kids sports. Signs them up, makes sure they have the right gear, us always coaching, and shuttles them all over timbuktu. That takes a ton of "mental work" LOLOLOLOL as you all call it.

Sorry ladies, doing basic life things like grocery shopping, doctors appointments, and signing kids up for camps is not hard. I'm not sure what many of you would do if you actually had to do something mentally hard. Maybe you would need to pop more xanax.

That is great your DH is 50/50. You married well. Maybe the rest of us DO need a Xanax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not the signing up for camp and making doctor's appointments, it is the responsibility to remember that those type of things need to be done.

Not the OP, but I don't always want to be the one assigning those tasks, sometimes I would rather have them assigned to me. Besides work (FT), I have to juggle all that stuff in my head.

Sometimes I want to be the one who is told where and when to show up. Too much to ask, maybe?

That isn't 'mental labor'. Unless you are seriously handicapped, as an adult you have to notice that things need to be done and do them. What you call "Mental Labor" appears to be what was formerly known as "Nagging". Your husband would likely appreciate it if you stopped the "Mental Labor" altogether. I expect that is why he doesn't tell you what to do and where to be, you know "do unto others ... "

Fine, it is so easy? Then let him do it. But it doesn't happen. I'm guessing you are a SAHM.

If you let him do it, what he thinks needs to be done, will be done by him and you will not have to 'mentally labor' over it. You are then free to notice other stuff that needs to be done, and do it. Why would you think that I was a SAHM?

You mean it wouldn't get done. This is why I'm the one who carries the health insurance and the dental insurance. This is why I'm the only one with an FSA and DCFSA enrollment. This is why I had to go term life insurance shopping after DH didn't up his FEGLI enrollment. I'm fine with having things that aren't important drop, but our financial stability and our family's health is important.

We have a freaking hole in our half bath ceiling where we had to go in to clean out a bird's nest. It's been there for more than 6 months. How much longer should I wait for him to think it's important enough to get a handyman out to fix it?

Lol. You're just being a martyr, silly woman! Who cares if there's a bird nest in your bathroom or a hole in the ceiling. Entirely optional work!

Who cares if you have health insurance or if you can't make it financially if your spouse dies. Completely optional. I mean, people live in cardboard boxes all the time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have the flexible job. I sit in front of a computer with access to a phone all day. Ex DH works in an environment where he doesn’t have access to easy communication. I can sit on hold for an hour trying to navigate health insurance while he cannot. It makes logistical sense for me to do all of the kids coordination.

This morning though he came over and did demolition and prep carpentry in anticipation of an HVAC installation. I could not create the HD list that he needed this morning nor could I have done what he did—carpentry, electricity, duct work.

We each have areas that we are stronger in. For the good of the family, we’ve always done what make the most practical sense.

What he does does not count. You are a misogynist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a man. What I do includes scheduling and paying for: doctor appointments, birthday parties, extracurricular sports and music, summer camps, car insurance and taxes, Federal & State taxes, before- and after-care, 529s (I set them up and they are mostly automated but in December I usually make an "extra" contribution). I do my own laundry and the kids laundry. I cook dinner for the kids after I pick them up in the evening.

When we have needed to do some home improvements, I interview contractors, decide which to use, arrange it, pay for it.

I frankly don't regard all this as a huge burden of invisible / mental labor.

Assuming you both work the same kind of hours, do you ever resent that your spouse doesn't do an equal share of the work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the flexible job. I sit in front of a computer with access to a phone all day. Ex DH works in an environment where he doesn’t have access to easy communication. I can sit on hold for an hour trying to navigate health insurance while he cannot. It makes logistical sense for me to do all of the kids coordination.

This morning though he came over and did demolition and prep carpentry in anticipation of an HVAC installation. I could not create the HD list that he needed this morning nor could I have done what he did—carpentry, electricity, duct work.

We each have areas that we are stronger in. For the good of the family, we’ve always done what make the most practical sense.

What he does does not count. You are a misogynist

Did you mean to reply to someone else or did you just not read what she wrote? Either way, you seem really fixated on attacking other women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have advice, but maybe I define mental load differently. I think by asking him to do XYZ I am already doing the mental work of thinking about the things that need to get done. Example, last week we went on a trip. I SAH so usually I pack for DH, baby, and me. It takes a lot of planning and thinking. Leading up to our trip I was very busy, so I asked him to take over packing, I had already done about 60% of it. It wasn't as much help as I wanted because I had to tell him exactly all the things we still needed to pack (I had told him what was packed too (sometimes more than once) and also where to find them...

Yes correct, they don’t want any mind share about house or family or kid stuff. Just do the front and middle end yourself (ie planning and deciding) and then tell home where to show up, when. Idiots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you ask for help with a specific task with out all the psychobabble?
“Will you please find a pediatrician and schedule the kids next appt?” Or, “the kids have paperwork for school, could you handle that?

Read up on the psychobabble, and you'd see that asking for help with a specific task is taking on the role of the executive manager, and it's a gigantic burden, much greater than being handed 2 forms to fill and asked to make a ped appt.

This

[Anonymous]

Just an observation, for those that think this problem does not exist...

I own a tutoring business. Out of thousands of new clients who have initially contacted me throughout the years, I can count on one hand how many of those were dads.

These moms I deal with are doctors and lawyers, scientists and journalists- very well-educated, busy women. Dads on the whole just don't pick up the slack. They don't manage the kid stuff- they only show up if they're told to. UGH.

[Anonymous]

Nope, no luck. The situation worsens with kids and quickly becomes a divorce versus spending shitloads of money on hired help/ignore husband decision.

our house is so much cleaner and no clutter when DH is traveling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you ask for help with a specific task with out all the psychobabble?
“Will you please find a pediatrician and schedule the kids next appt?” Or, “the kids have paperwork for school, could you handle that?

Read up on the psychobabble, and you'd see that asking for help with a specific task is taking on the role of the executive manager, and it's a gigantic burden, much greater than being handed 2 forms to fill and asked to make a ped appt.

This

Whaaaa? You want me to remember to do something? No. That's what moms are for, to remind kids to do things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why it doesn't work.. DW sees trash can is full and asks husband to take out the trash so DH takes out the trash. But DW is really still annoyed at DH because she's doesn't understand why DH doesn't enjoy doing so. I said this to my DW once and she confirmed, "yes, I want you to take out the trash because you WANT to take out the trash"... so it's not enough that you physically take out the trash gentlemen, you have to want to do it!

how about HAVE SOME PRIDE IN YOURSELF AND YOUR HOUSE AND TAKE OUT THE OVERFLOWING GARBAGE YOURSELF. you don't need a royale invitation from your mother/wife to take care of your own house. what a man. man of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men take on the mental burden to provide and protect their families. They feel the pressure and responsibility for their family's economic well being, housing, and for keeping the family safe.

hahahhaha. yeah, go hide at the office 10-12 hours a day and swing in for dinner drinks, playtime, TV time and bed time. how can you keep a kid or two safe when you don't even know what they do or where they are most times?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you ask for help with a specific task with out all the psychobabble?
“Will you please find a pediatrician and schedule the kids next appt?” Or, “the kids have paperwork for school, could you handle that?

He does things like sign the child up for two camps on the same day so we pay double, forgets to put my name and number down on the camp forms (he never checks messages and rarely answers, so I have to be the contact), doesn't know he has to give the name of the babysitter who will pick kid up from camp ... doesn't even know the last name of our sitter/nanny, who has been with us for almost THREE years!

Same here! It's like two steps fw, one step back on everything since I got married. He's obviously used to constant setbacks -- losing things, rebuying things, breaking things, forgetting things, overpaying for things last minute. It's a glorious way to live, I thank his mother and father for his really keen life skillz.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why it doesn't work.. DW sees trash can is full and asks husband to take out the trash so DH takes out the trash. But DW is really still annoyed at DH because she's doesn't understand why DH doesn't enjoy doing so. I said this to my DW once and she confirmed, "yes, I want you to take out the trash because you WANT to take out the trash"... so it's not enough that you physically take out the trash gentlemen, you have to want to do it!

how about HAVE SOME PRIDE IN YOURSELF AND YOUR HOUSE AND TAKE OUT THE OVERFLOWING GARBAGE YOURSELF. you don't need a royale invitation from your mother/wife to take care of your own house. what a man. man of the house.

Or if its actually difficult for you to say "Joe take out th trash", save yourself all the "mental labor" and take it out yourself? And save yourself a ton of "mental labor" by giving up the damn score keeping