Great life, great wife, but I'm unhappy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After reading all this OP, it seems like you just want to leave your wife (no matter how great) and your kids, and you seem to be looking for validation, which a few posters did give you. You know that the grass will not be greener with another family, but it seems as if your core issue is you do not want to be monogamous to your wife (or any other woman).

Sit down and talk to her. See if she is in for an open marriage- just remember, while you are out doing your thang, she will be out too. Or sit down, with a financial planner and realistically see what you can afford to pay to support her and your kids.

I knew a man like you, that always felt anxiety/depression, & even abused substances. Drove his wife and kids crazy. She felt he was constantly looking at other women or cheating. To save her marriage, she did everything & anything for him, including group sex and other things. In his case, the reason he couldn't be faithful to her or any woman, was because it turns out he was gay. He didn't want to face reality because of his religion and his parents. After his parents died, he left his wife and kids and openly dated men. This was extremely unfair to his wife who spent many years thinking, "if only I were better, prettier, smarter, etc... and did things she was uncomfortable with, to "please" him. In reality, her biggest "problem" was that she didn't have man parts. She absolutely hates him, not for being gay but for torturing her instead of being honest, If this is your case, you need to be honest with yourself and her. Then come up with some equitable solutions for your kids (and wife).

I definitely don't want to cheat or have an open marriage, nor am I gay.

I've had a few women show interest in me over the years but when we married I promised myself I'd never do anything I'd need to hide from my wife, so while there's always the temptation to flirt, I know when things are inappropriate.

It is however a difficult concept to never sleep with anyone else again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are very self-absorbed and narcissistic, OP.

Yes, I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is a troll. This is a woman swapping sexes to conceal her story. No man would write something like this.

I'm definitely a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you care about your kids at all? You have three young children and leaving your wife would drastically alter your relationship with them, yet you seem remarkably disinterested in this aspect of your situation. Assuming you’re not a troll, it makes me think the real issue isn’t depression but perhaps some kind of personality disorder.

Trust me, I'm TRYING to work through this. Id I could wave a wand and be fixed, I would.

The question is, are they better off with two parents who live separately, who are happy, or with two parents together who are not happy (me because of whatever issues I have, and her because of my unhappiness.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, after reading this entire thread and your responses, I'm concerned that your depression isn't appropriately managed. You say you are on an anti-depressant but you are still having 6-8 week mini-depressions 3-4 times a year. That shouldn't be happening if you are on the right medication.

There are several possibilities:

1) you are not on the right anti-depressant and need to be on a different one. have you tried more than 1 AD? does your psychaitrist know that you are still getting depressions? you need to share that info and ask to try a different med. maybe a different anti-dep. would work better.

2) you may actually be misdiagnosed as having general depression when what you may actually have is Type II Bipolar Depression. Bipolar II presents as repeated depressions with periods of intervening hypomania. Your description of 6-8 week depressions and then feeling OK fits the cyclic nature of BP II. My exH has this. It is common for people with Biploar 2 to go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed with general depression or ADHD for many years. He, like many Bipolar 2 persons, is very high functioning. IME, much of his discontent with our relationship was a function of his illness. During the hypomania, he had a mild sense that he was better than us and could have a cooler happier life without us. During his depressions, he had a sense of failing us which transitioned to being irritated by us as he moved towards hypomania. Read up on BpII and talk with your psychiatrist. If you have tried 2 or more antidepressants that failed for you, then the literature shows that a mood stabilizer - either as an add-on to the AD or instead of an AD - might be a better option.

3) there might be a seasonal or light-based component to your depression. You describe being depressed over Xmas, but then feeling better on vacation. Any chance you went somewhere warm and sunny for vacation? For many with seasonal depression, it starts in the fall as the sun starts to set earlier, and deepens in the winter as it becomes dark in the morning when you get up. There is a special light therapy that can really help (10,000 lux light box in the AM for about 30mins). Light therapy can also be effective in depression. It would be inexpensive and easy to try and continue, but you should do it with the guidance of a pdoc since it can trigger mania in those with a predisposition. but, since you've been on an AD, presumably w/o the AD triggering mania, this is probably a very low risk for you.

Finally, are you getting your anti-depressant from a psychiatrist with a lot of experience in mood disorders? Your case is too long-running and complex to be getting anti-depressants from a general practitioner; they just do not have enough experience to be helpful in a case where the first AD isn't working well enough.

Thanks for your post.

I live in the southern hemisphere, so Xmas is in summer (sorry is this board is meant exclusively for DC people!)

Last week I went to see a psychiatrist that my doctor referred me to. He increased my AD from 50mg per day to 200mg, which is quite a jump.

He didn't mention anything about bipolar, but when I asked my normal therapist about it he said because I don't have the mania in between, that I'm not bipolar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ And, to add to the above - I should have asked -- are you working with a clinical therapist experienced with mood disprders? Someone trained in cognitive behavioral therapy can help you distinguish your depressive thought patterns from real issues in your marriage.

One real issue I see is your feeling that your spouse can't provide certain interactions with you. You have an unrealistic expectation of marriage - if you want more politics, history, etc. conversation, that doesn't necessarily have to come from a spouse. Join a book club, become active in ACLU or whatever, and make new friends who feed this side of your interests. A therapist would have helped you sort those issues out and identify solutions.

I do agree now after reading what others have said.

Even if we did discuss that stuff, we might have conflicting opinions that would create arguments, or we might simply run out of things to talk about on those subjects too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any chance you come from a broken home/experienced trauma in childhood? I ask because this is basically me, but I’m the DW w/a history of childhood trauma and abuse. I somehow managed to find a stable, good man who was willing to marry me. Marriage has been hard for me — struggling with major depression and anxiety and having these same internal battles in terms of both longing for companionship, but rejecting it/feeling suffocated by it at the same time. I’m in intensive psychoanalysis now and meditate and exercise frequently, so I’m fighting it the best way I know how. It takes time and effort to rewire the brain. I recommend finding a psychiatrist who also does talk therapy, finding an anti-depressant that’s effective for you, and committing to intensive therapy to work through your issues. Because this is about you. The same way that my issues are about me. I’m aware enough to know this and thank God for having the world’s most patient husband who has been supporting me through this hell/healing.

I had a great childhood and my parents are still together, however with my therapist I've realized that some of my Dad's behavior when I was growing up was shameful and disrespectful of my mom.

I feel like part of my childhood was a lie because my Dad was living two different lives. One where he was a father/husband, and one where he was a single party animal.

He was always very strong on values but then he was the complete opposite of his values when he was drinking/partying.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I missed it, but OP, can you comment on your own upbringing? Did you have 2 involved engaging parents growing up? Do you have an living example of what a healthy happy marriage/family looks like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you care about your kids at all? You have three young children and leaving your wife would drastically alter your relationship with them, yet you seem remarkably disinterested in this aspect of your situation. Assuming you’re not a troll, it makes me think the real issue isn’t depression but perhaps some kind of personality disorder.

Trust me, I'm TRYING to work through this. Id I could wave a wand and be fixed, I would.

The question is, are they better off with two parents who live separately, who are happy, or with two parents together who are not happy (me because of whatever issues I have, and her because of my unhappiness.)

The bolded is a pipe dream. Your kids would not be better off if you divorced based on the situation you have described so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm going to go against the grain of most posters here. The problem is that mass media and as humans we are told to pursue, pursu, pursue goals to achieve happiness. Which is why once you get here you find you are truest not happy or there's something that is missing. It's why a multi-millionaire or successful Hollywood star can overdose on drugs or commit suicide. One cannot look toward people (children, a spouse, friends) to fulfill you in a meaning given full way. That need and hunger and desire for more means that you are spiritually dry and God created that in humans as a way to seek him when you have sought all other things and you feel lost.

Thank you, I've read the Christian bible (old and new) and it's not for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I missed it, but OP, can you comment on your own upbringing? Did you have 2 involved engaging parents growing up? Do you have an living example of what a healthy happy marriage/family looks like?

Please see my response to the post above yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One person cant meet all your needs. If you want to discuss politics and the economy, there are Meetup groups for that.

I discuss politics and the economy at work with my colleagues. We tend to have the same educational level (lawyers) and interests given our shared careers.

Do you have friends at work? I'm going to go out on a limb and guess you don't.

No because I have my own business so am very isolated. I pretty much have zero engagement with other human beings during the day.

OP, have you considered that this is your #1 problem? I also work from home due to being a trailing spouse, and I am SO RELIEVED that we are about to move again to a semi-permanent to permanent location so that I can be around people again. I have been slowly going insane... and I have definitely put WAY TOO MUCH pressure on my spouse to meet all of my needs.

This!!! This is the problem. You're putting too much pressure on your spouse to be EVERYTHIBG for you, and she's falling short...of course she is, she's only one person, and she's also taking care of 3 kids. You need to work on getting out more - pick a new (social!) hobby and get involved. Commit and give it 6 months, then see how you feel. Seriously do it, ill help you brainstorm. What sounds interesting to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you considered that this is your #1 problem? I also work from home due to being a trailing spouse, and I am SO RELIEVED that we are about to move again to a semi-permanent to permanent location so that I can be around people again. I have been slowly going insane... and I have definitely put WAY TOO MUCH pressure on my spouse to meet all of my needs.

This!!! This is the problem. You're putting too much pressure on your spouse to be EVERYTHIBG for you, and she's falling short...of course she is, she's only one person, and she's also taking care of 3 kids. You need to work on getting out more - pick a new (social!) hobby and get involved. Commit and give it 6 months, then see how you feel. Seriously do it, ill help you brainstorm. What sounds interesting to you?

I was working from hoe for two years and now I'm working in a shared office space, since two weeks ago, which is better, but I'm still working on my own, so interaction is still limited.

I'm looking at getting involved as a leader in my kid's scout group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any chance you come from a broken home/experienced trauma in childhood? I ask because this is basically me, but I’m the DW w/a history of childhood trauma and abuse. I somehow managed to find a stable, good man who was willing to marry me. Marriage has been hard for me — struggling with major depression and anxiety and having these same internal battles in terms of both longing for companionship, but rejecting it/feeling suffocated by it at the same time. I’m in intensive psychoanalysis now and meditate and exercise frequently, so I’m fighting it the best way I know how. It takes time and effort to rewire the brain. I recommend finding a psychiatrist who also does talk therapy, finding an anti-depressant that’s effective for you, and committing to intensive therapy to work through your issues. Because this is about you. The same way that my issues are about me. I’m aware enough to know this and thank God for having the world’s most patient husband who has been supporting me through this hell/healing.

I had a great childhood and my parents are still together, however with my therapist I've realized that some of my Dad's behavior when I was growing up was shameful and disrespectful of my mom.

I feel like part of my childhood was a lie because my Dad was living two different lives. One where he was a father/husband, and one where he was a single party animal.

He was always very strong on values but then he was the complete opposite of his values when he was drinking/partying.

You realize that you are just re-enacting what your father did? It entered your subconscious that this is how men are supposed to behave and you are trying to mimic it.

It would probably be helpful to find some positive male influence, especially from older men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You realize that you are just re-enacting what your father did? It entered your subconscious that this is how men are supposed to behave and you are trying to mimic it.

It would probably be helpful to find some positive male influence, especially from older men.

Yep, not a great role model for adult relationships/marriage, right?

My sister also has issues with her husband around his use of alcohol, which she says stems from the way our Dad drank when we were kids.