Great life, great wife, but I'm unhappy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You realize that you are just re-enacting what your father did? It entered your subconscious that this is how men are supposed to behave and you are trying to mimic it.

It would probably be helpful to find some positive male influence, especially from older men.

Yep, not a great role model for adult relationships/marriage, right?

My sister also has issues with her husband around his use of alcohol, which she says stems from the way our Dad drank when we were kids.

Oh you are an adult child of an alcoholic. You know that's a thing, right? You need counselling for that or AlAnon.

[Anonymous]

There is a reason I have my own room in the house. I have my own personal yoga room with my laptop and books. My husband doesn’t bother me in there.

I highly suggest you carve out time for yourself to manage your emotions and not use your wife as an emotional punching bag and also get on a better regimen to manage your depression.

[OreoTwin]

Hi There Mr Anonymous,
Like someone said here, your wife is awesome. You’ve been together 12 years, good communication and everything. You say you’re happy, contented and love your wife. Then don’t ruin everything. So many people are not even close to this good life that you have. Instead of dwelling on being single and that she doesn’t deserve you, enjoy it and appreciate it. Have you ever thought that maybe you’re thinking too far ahead and fear that one day this will all be gone, and you want to bail out while you’re ahead? Consider going to a pastor or a church counselor who can help you understand better the value of the blessings that you have before it is too late and you realize you had the best thing all along.

[Anonymous]

OreoTwin wrote:Hi There Mr Anonymous,
Like someone said here, your wife is awesome. You’ve been together 12 years, good communication and everything. You say you’re happy, contented and love your wife. Then don’t ruin everything. So many people are not even close to this good life that you have. Instead of dwelling on being single and that she doesn’t deserve you, enjoy it and appreciate it. Have you ever thought that maybe you’re thinking too far ahead and fear that one day this will all be gone, and you want to bail out while you’re ahead? Consider going to a pastor or a church counselor who can help you understand better the value of the blessings that you have before it is too late and you realize you had the best thing all along.

I get too focused on the "forever" part.

I'm not sure my fear is around abandonment, but I have explored that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OreoTwin wrote:Hi There Mr Anonymous,
Like someone said here, your wife is awesome. You’ve been together 12 years, good communication and everything. You say you’re happy, contented and love your wife. Then don’t ruin everything. So many people are not even close to this good life that you have. Instead of dwelling on being single and that she doesn’t deserve you, enjoy it and appreciate it. Have you ever thought that maybe you’re thinking too far ahead and fear that one day this will all be gone, and you want to bail out while you’re ahead? Consider going to a pastor or a church counselor who can help you understand better the value of the blessings that you have before it is too late and you realize you had the best thing all along.

I get too focused on the "forever" part.

I'm not sure my fear is around abandonment, but I have explored that.

You can't think about forever. Just live in the moment FFS. I don't know anyone who isn't slightly freaked out by the thought of forever...but you are choosing to dwell on it. Enjoy today, dumbass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't think about forever. Just live in the moment FFS. I don't know anyone who isn't slightly freaked out by the thought of forever...but you are choosing to dwell on it. Enjoy today, dumbass.

That's a bit harsh.

[Anonymous]

Ladies this is exactly why 1) you don’t date a man for years expecting commitment 2) don’t try and turn a friend or fwb into a boyfriend 3) you don’t ultimatum marriage to a man.
OP amicably divorce your wife, be an extremely attentive father, and find that one woman you can’t live with out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't think about forever. Just live in the moment FFS. I don't know anyone who isn't slightly freaked out by the thought of forever...but you are choosing to dwell on it. Enjoy today, dumbass.

That's a bit harsh.

You need to hear it. And it's coming from a person just coming out of a major Depressive episode. I'm trying like hell to fight the disease, and you are sitting there mentally jerking off.

I have to get better for my kids. As others have noted you don't seem to give them much thought except as an excuse that they wpuld be "better off with two happy parents" or whatever bull crap rationalization you have.

MAKE AN EFFORT TO CONNECT WITH YOUR WIFE. GO OUT AND DO SOMETHING FUN. No one can meet all your needs.

[Anonymous]

“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
??I Corinthians? ?13:4-7? ?NKJV??

“Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice with the wife of your youth.”
??Proverbs? ?5:18? ?NKJV??

“Yet you say, “For what reason?” Because the LORD has been witness Between you and the wife of your youth, With whom you have dealt treacherously; Yet she is your companion And your wife by covenant.”
??Malachi? ?2:14? ?NKJV??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope everyone else who has made comments about the fact that this problem would follow you regardless of where you were / who you were with have gotten through - I know from a rational pov you know that's true. I'm not sure if you're willing to give it a try, but have you ever talked to a counselor? I'm not saying you have to become a person who is in going to therapy for life, but I think a few sessions could maybe help you sort out the turmoil in your head

Yes I definitely know the problem would follow me because in hindsight I've walked away from some really promising relationships in the past due to my pursuit/panic behavior.
This is why I think about being single because it seems like a real solution to getting me out of this pattern. Of course, I also realize that it wouldn't be long until I was lonely and sex-starved and trying to clock Tinder.

Also, I've been working with counselors/therapists for YEARS on this.

It's a mistake to believe that EVERYTHING in your life needs to be disposed of and that you need to reset to zero.

You should think in terms of having a plan to make incremental improvements in various areas of your life, not tossing it all overboard.

It doesn't sound like you've ever really thought through philosophically what life, what your life, is really all about or what you want it to be about.

It sounds like you have no education in morals ethics, or philosophy. Trying to fix your life without learning some of this stuff would be like me trying to.fix my cars transmission,

You sound depressed but also suffering from existential angst. We define meaning in our lives by our choices. It sounds like you are questioning your choices because of the seemingly infinity of alternatives. This is pretty common in modern society. Excessive choice causes anxiety, paralysis and depression. People are happier when they have two or three flavors of ice cream to choose from than hundreds.

Objectively it sounds like you have a nice wife and.kids and have chosen very wisely with your wife. The notion that there may be someone better for you out there is.most likely a fantasy or delusion and I think if you are honest with yourself you'd agree since.you seem inciteful.

Children are interesting and one improvement you.may want to try is involving yourself more.in their daily activities. You will start to see them each as individual unique living beings and once.you internalize that they are in part manifestations of your own unique identity, their and your significance as their father at s crucial time in their lives make cause.you to have a greater understanding of the.meaning of your life and feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction in seemingly mundane daily tasks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I,I, I! Dude you have. KIDS. You don’t get to go just “live in another country” for two years. You think the rest of us don’t fantasize about dumping the old ball and chain? And all that goes with it ? Of course we do! You suck it up because you are someone’s dad! Not a man baby!.

Seriously, and not just one child you have three! If you don't think 90% of the married population doesn't fantisize about running away and living alone in another country you are detached from reality. Now buck up and be an adult instead of wasting your time wondering what could have been.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps you can ask your M.D. for an “add-on” antidepressant since your current one alone doesn’t seem to be completely effective.

Maybe add-on Abilify?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you care about your kids at all? You have three young children and leaving your wife would drastically alter your relationship with them, yet you seem remarkably disinterested in this aspect of your situation. Assuming you’re not a troll, it makes me think the real issue isn’t depression but perhaps some kind of personality disorder.

Trust me, I'm TRYING to work through this. Id I could wave a wand and be fixed, I would.

The question is, are they better off with two parents who live separately, who are happy, or with two parents together who are not happy (me because of whatever issues I have, and her because of my unhappiness.)

Agree. In your situation, kids are better off you guys being together.
The bolded is a pipe dream. Your kids would not be better off if you divorced based on the situation you have described so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You realize that you are just re-enacting what your father did? It entered your subconscious that this is how men are supposed to behave and you are trying to mimic it.

It would probably be helpful to find some positive male influence, especially from older men.

Yep, not a great role model for adult relationships/marriage, right?

My sister also has issues with her husband around his use of alcohol, which she says stems from the way our Dad drank when we were kids.

OP, you HAVE to get HONEST. Get a journal. What are the positive attributes of your wife? What are the positive aspects of your life/marriage? What was positive and negative about being single? Who is the "one that got away"? Why was she more special than you consider your wife, now? (Realize single relationships with no kids/mortgage are different than marriage with kids)Why should you get divorced? How will your kids feel? How will you feel when your wife dates & may even find a "replacement" for you? Honestly describe your parents marriage. Did your mom know about your dad? How did you know what he was doing? Are you mad/upset with your dad? How do you feel about your mom? WHAT CAN YOU DO TO IMPROVE YOUR LIFE, YOUR KIDS' LIVES AND YOUR WIFE'S LIFE?

You have gotten a lot of suggestions/help, but you can not "fix" or find solutions if you can not identify the real issues. Maybe writing can help you figure out what is really going on or help you see things from a different viewpoint, then therapy can help. You intellectually know divorce will not make things easier.
If you can't figure it out, "fake it til you make it"- focus on making your kids & wife happier, then maybe it will in turn, help you too. Best

[Anonymous]

OP, I know someone like you. He's uprooted multiple relationships and moved around jobs and locations. As soon as he gets what he thinks he wants, he's immediately restless, wanting more, finding reasons to be dissatisfied. There's always something he's longing for that's just out of reach. He is never, ever satisfied. He is an intelligent person and I don't know how he doesn't see that the thing he is missing is inside himself.

Don't throw away your life and ruin several others just to end up feeling the exact same way in a few years. Wherever you go, there you are.