Great life, great wife, but I'm unhappy
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Anonymous
Thanks, me too. I just keep thinking that I could have been her... Because sometimes my STBXH would wonder if it was just kids that were missing, and that would "fulfill" him. But he needs to learn to fulfill himself, and not use children to do that. |
Anonymous
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OP, after reading this entire thread and your responses, I'm concerned that your depression isn't appropriately managed. You say you are on an anti-depressant but you are still having 6-8 week mini-depressions 3-4 times a year. That shouldn't be happening if you are on the right medication.
There are several possibilities: 1) you are not on the right anti-depressant and need to be on a different one. have you tried more than 1 AD? does your psychaitrist know that you are still getting depressions? you need to share that info and ask to try a different med. maybe a different anti-dep. would work better. 2) you may actually be misdiagnosed as having general depression when what you may actually have is Type II Bipolar Depression. Bipolar II presents as repeated depressions with periods of intervening hypomania. Your description of 6-8 week depressions and then feeling OK fits the cyclic nature of BP II. My exH has this. It is common for people with Biploar 2 to go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed with general depression or ADHD for many years. He, like many Bipolar 2 persons, is very high functioning. IME, much of his discontent with our relationship was a function of his illness. During the hypomania, he had a mild sense that he was better than us and could have a cooler happier life without us. During his depressions, he had a sense of failing us which transitioned to being irritated by us as he moved towards hypomania. Read up on BpII and talk with your psychiatrist. If you have tried 2 or more antidepressants that failed for you, then the literature shows that a mood stabilizer - either as an add-on to the AD or instead of an AD - might be a better option. 3) there might be a seasonal or light-based component to your depression. You describe being depressed over Xmas, but then feeling better on vacation. Any chance you went somewhere warm and sunny for vacation? For many with seasonal depression, it starts in the fall as the sun starts to set earlier, and deepens in the winter as it becomes dark in the morning when you get up. There is a special light therapy that can really help (10,000 lux light box in the AM for about 30mins). Light therapy can also be effective in depression. It would be inexpensive and easy to try and continue, but you should do it with the guidance of a pdoc since it can trigger mania in those with a predisposition. but, since you've been on an AD, presumably w/o the AD triggering mania, this is probably a very low risk for you. Finally, are you getting your anti-depressant from a psychiatrist with a lot of experience in mood disorders? Your case is too long-running and complex to be getting anti-depressants from a general practitioner; they just do not have enough experience to be helpful in a case where the first AD isn't working well enough. |
Anonymous
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^^ And, to add to the above - I should have asked -- are you working with a clinical therapist experienced with mood disprders? Someone trained in cognitive behavioral therapy can help you distinguish your depressive thought patterns from real issues in your marriage.
One real issue I see is your feeling that your spouse can't provide certain interactions with you. You have an unrealistic expectation of marriage - if you want more politics, history, etc. conversation, that doesn't necessarily have to come from a spouse. Join a book club, become active in ACLU or whatever, and make new friends who feed this side of your interests. A therapist would have helped you sort those issues out and identify solutions. |
Anonymous
| I’m somewhat like this. I go through phases where I imagine being single and leaving my husband and child. But I wake up and realize I would probably only end up unhappier! |
Anonymous
| Any chance you come from a broken home/experienced trauma in childhood? I ask because this is basically me, but I’m the DW w/a history of childhood trauma and abuse. I somehow managed to find a stable, good man who was willing to marry me. Marriage has been hard for me — struggling with major depression and anxiety and having these same internal battles in terms of both longing for companionship, but rejecting it/feeling suffocated by it at the same time. I’m in intensive psychoanalysis now and meditate and exercise frequently, so I’m fighting it the best way I know how. It takes time and effort to rewire the brain. I recommend finding a psychiatrist who also does talk therapy, finding an anti-depressant that’s effective for you, and committing to intensive therapy to work through your issues. Because this is about you. The same way that my issues are about me. I’m aware enough to know this and thank God for having the world’s most patient husband who has been supporting me through this hell/healing. |
Anonymous
| PP — I will add that I also have three kids. And I frequently have fantasies of jumping ship, but I know it’s my depression talking, so I fight against/resist it. I advise not making any major life decisions till you get your depression in check. Three to four depressive episodes a year lasting 6-8 weeks is up to 8 months! You’re depressed. And it doesn’t sound mild IMHO. |
Anonymous
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OP, I'm going to go against the grain of most posters here. The problem is that mass media and as humans we are told to pursue, pursu, pursue goals to achieve happiness. Which is why once you get here you find you are truest not happy or there's something that is missing. It's why a multi-millionaire or successful Hollywood star can overdose on drugs or commit suicide. One cannot look toward people (children, a spouse, friends) to fulfill you in a meaning given full way. That need and hunger and desire for more means that you are spiritually dry and God created that in humans as a way to seek him when you have sought all other things and you feel lost.
Here are some scriptures that might help you: God loves and desires to have a relationship with you. There's no amount of anti-depressant that can fill that void nor exchanging your current family for a new one. “casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” ??I Peter? ?5:7? ?NKJV?? http://bible.com/114/1pe.5.7.nkjv “When my father and my mother forsake me, Then the LORD will take care of me.” ??Psalms? ?27:10? ?NKJV?? http://bible.com/114/psa.27.10.nkjv “He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds.” ??Psalms? ?147:3? ?NKJV?? http://bible.com/114/psa.147.3.nkjv “The LORD has appeared of old to me, saying: “Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you.” ??Jeremiah? ?31:3? ?NKJV?? http://bible.com/114/jer.31.3.nkjv All religions are not the same, compare for instance Mormonism, Buddhism and Christianity on the critical question of what is real. Mormon scripture teaches that ultimate reality is material or physical and that even God and spirits are material objects whose constituent Matter has existed for all eternity. Mahayana Buddhists believe that ultimate reality is emptiness(sunyata) or beinglessness (nisvabhava) -no gods, no matter, no spirit, no self. Christians believe by contrast that God is an eternal,personal triune Being who created all there is, both physical and no physical from nothing. By any measure these are dramatic differences. Jesus Christ is a radical figure in the history of the great religious traditions in that he is the only leader who claimed to be the one eternal God in the flesh. He knows the beginning from the end and knows the deepest religious yearnings of all people. Which is why he said “And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.” ??Jeremiah? ?29:13? ?NKJV?? http://bible.com/114/jer.29.13.nkjv Know that God is love and he loves all people. There's nothing you could ever do or say that he won't forgive. “For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive, And abundant in mercy to all those who call upon You.” ??Psalms? ?86:5? ?NKJV?? http://bible.com/114/psa.86.5.nkjv And ““And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.” ??Mark? ?11:25? ?NKJV?? http://bible.com/114/mrk.11.25.nkjv God has already demonstrated his love did us as people in the following ways: “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” ??John? ?3:16? ?NKJV?? http://bible.com/114/jhn.3.16.nkjv “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” ??Romans? ?5:8? ?NKJV?? http://bible.com/114/rom.5.8.nkjv God sent Jesus to earth for you that you might live and be renewed to find a love and peace that surpasses all understanding. Because what is love? “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” ??I Corinthians? ?13:4-5, 7? ?NKJV?? http://bible.com/114/1co.13.4-5,7.nkjv I say this and end with this: “Mercy, peace, and love be multiplied to you.” ??Jude? ?1:2? ?NKJV?? http://bible.com/114/jud.1.2.nkjv God loves you, won't you seek a relationship with him. He will stand with you in your darkest hour, please seek him with all your heart and you won't regret it. The Bible tells us and we see it in our world today “Again, I saw that for all toil and every skillful work a man is envied by his neighbor. This also is vanity and grasping for the wind. Then I returned, and I saw vanity under the sun: There is one alone, without companion: He has neither son nor brother. Yet there is no end to all his labors, Nor is his eye satisfied with riches. But he never asks, “For whom do I toil and deprive myself of good?” This also is vanity and a grave misfortune.” ??Ecclesiastes? ?4:4, 7-8? ?NKJV?? http://bible.com/114/ecc.4.4,7-8.nkjv “He who loves silver will not be satisfied with silver; Nor he who loves abundance, with increase. This also is vanity.” ??Ecclesiastes? ?5:10? ?NKJV?? http://bible.com/114/ecc.5.10.nkjv “The sleep of a laboring man is sweet, Whether he eats little or much; But the abundance of the rich will not permit him to sleep.” ??Ecclesiastes? ?5:12? ?NKJV?? http://bible.com/114/ecc.5.12.nkjv “If a man begets a hundred children and lives many years, so that the days of his years are many, but his soul is not satisfied with goodness, or indeed he has no burial, I say that a stillborn child is better than he— for it comes in vanity and departs in darkness, and its name is covered with darkness. Though it has not seen the sun or known anything, this has more rest than that man, even if he lives a thousand years twice—but has not seen goodness. Do not all go to one place?” ??Ecclesiastes? ?6:3-6? ?NKJV?? http://bible.com/114/ecc.6.3-6.nkjv “For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”” ??Matthew? ?11:30? ?NKJV?? http://bible.com/114/mat.11.30.nkjv |
Anonymous
| My only question is in this fantasy of being single and free, where is the vision of 50/50 split custody of three young children where you need to stay within x miles of your ex-wife? If you feel this relief of being out of the marital relationship while having all the responsibility of your young children half of the time, then it’s likely the marriage. If you are trying to pull a Peter Pan and stay in Never Never land and have responsibility other than to yourself, that’s a different problem. |
Anonymous
OMG what is it about that corridor!  A friend of mine's ex lives on Connecticut Ave only she isn't quite 50... yet!
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Anonymous
Did you miss the part where he has 3 kids? It's great you found personal happiness, but the ends do not always justify the means. |
Anonymous
Yes I definitely know the problem would follow me because in hindsight I've walked away from some really promising relationships in the past due to my pursuit/panic behavior. This is why I think about being single because it seems like a real solution to getting me out of this pattern. Of course, I also realize that it wouldn't be long until I was lonely and sex-starved and trying to clock Tinder. Also, I've been working with counselors/therapists for YEARS on this. |
Anonymous
Probably a mentally ill woman in the same position. |
Anonymous
No because I have my own business so am very isolated. I pretty much have zero engagement with other human beings during the day. |
Anonymous
+1 Anderson Cooper has a book called, "The rainbow comes and goes." Think about it...somedays the rainbow is there, somedays it isn't, but it always comes back. I'm someone who made some really bad choices because I thought if I changed something, it would make me happy. It took a long time for me to realize that the only person who is in charge of my happiness is me. ME. I learned to appreciate the things I have and the life I live and I feel so much more happiness now than I ever did. Is my life perfect? Of course not. But I choose to focus on the positives and look at what I can change...because not everything is permanent. |
Anonymous
OP, have you considered that this is your #1 problem? I also work from home due to being a trailing spouse, and I am SO RELIEVED that we are about to move again to a semi-permanent to permanent location so that I can be around people again. I have been slowly going insane... and I have definitely put WAY TOO MUCH pressure on my spouse to meet all of my needs. |