My son is about to marry a blonde

[Anonymous]

^blond not blind

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^blond not blind

Haha, I just scrolled backwards through posts trying to figure out how I missed that the DIL is blind...

[Anonymous]

The bottom line is people are not perfect. Including parents. Irrespective of race, most people are set in their ways and seek comfort in the familiar. OPs wife is reacting partially out of fear & insecurity while stepping into unfamiliar territory. Vietnamese is home, familiar, comfortable. Anything else uncomfortable.
Does that make her a bad person, or racist? I don't think so. Look within America you'll find a lot of people, (non-Asian) like her. If you shun people like that and hate them , you'll be hating half the world. I think time and understanding will heal everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What arrant nonsense. Let's flip it, shall we - OP's now white, with deep southern roots that go back centuries. His son is marrying a first generation Vietnamese girl, and his wife is apoplectic, and refuses to attend the wedding. You see, she always dreamed of a DIL who has the same ethnic background she has - it makes it easier to connect, and to pass down traditions. It's not that the prospective DIL is Vietnamese - of course not! - it's that she ISN'T a white southerner.

You'd think that was just fine, right? Of course you wouldn't. You'd lose your chit, and call her a racist redneck - and you'd be right. This is no different.

Not the same thing. The first gen Vietnamese potential DIL, in your scenario, speaks fluent English. That means the potential DIL has demonstrated the ability to share in her potential in-laws' culture because she can speak their language. Also, by growing up in the US, she probably has some of degree of familiarity with their culture. She can connect with them linguistically and to a lesser extent, culturally. On top of that, because they live in the US, it's already guaranteed that Southern American culture (food, holidays, and most importantly, language) can passed on with far greater ease.

An equivalent scenario for your white Southerners look something like this. If the white Southerners some how ended up as racial/ethnic minorities in Vietnam. Their son brings home a Vietnamese woman who doesn't speak English and is not familiar with Southern American history/culture.

The lengths to which you will go to excuse bigotry are truly astounding.

It truly is. The racism and the defense of it are nauseating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is people are not perfect. Including parents. Irrespective of race, most people are set in their ways and seek comfort in the familiar. OPs wife is reacting partially out of fear & insecurity while stepping into unfamiliar territory. Vietnamese is home, familiar, comfortable. Anything else uncomfortable.
Does that make her a bad person, or racist? I don't think so. Look within America you'll find a lot of people, (non-Asian) like her. If you shun people like that and hate them , you'll be hating half the world. I think time and understanding will heal everything.

She is doing more than reacting out of fear and insecurity, she is refusing to attend a wedding. That's a huge slight in American culture. The one in which she lives. The one in which her son is marrying into. And that's a mistake that time may or may not heal. I think that's what a lot of us are trying to express here - that the assumption that time will heal everything (i.e. the snubbing of this wedding) is a very risky one to make, with serious negative consequences if and when grandkids enter the picture.

The shunning is occurring on the part of OP's wife, not the posters here.

[Anonymous]

Don’t refer to your dil as “a blonde.” It feels like you’re objectifying her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is people are not perfect. Including parents. Irrespective of race, most people are set in their ways and seek comfort in the familiar. OPs wife is reacting partially out of fear & insecurity while stepping into unfamiliar territory. Vietnamese is home, familiar, comfortable. Anything else uncomfortable.
Does that make her a bad person, or racist? I don't think so. Look within America you'll find a lot of people, (non-Asian) like her. If you shun people like that and hate them , you'll be hating half the world. I think time and understanding will heal everything.

She is doing more than reacting out of fear and insecurity, she is refusing to attend a wedding. That's a huge slight in American culture. The one in which she lives. The one in which her son is marrying into. And that's a mistake that time may or may not heal. I think that's what a lot of us are trying to express here - that the assumption that time will heal everything (i.e. the snubbing of this wedding) is a very risky one to make, with serious negative consequences if and when grandkids enter the picture.

The shunning is occurring on the part of OP's wife, not the posters here.

Her anger in all likelihood is directed at her son. Not the DIL. Her son let her down by not letting her in, early. A week before the wedding is brutal. I'd be pissed too. These people birthed and raised him. They deserve to be treated better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is people are not perfect. Including parents. Irrespective of race, most people are set in their ways and seek comfort in the familiar. OPs wife is reacting partially out of fear & insecurity while stepping into unfamiliar territory. Vietnamese is home, familiar, comfortable. Anything else uncomfortable.
Does that make her a bad person, or racist? I don't think so. Look within America you'll find a lot of people, (non-Asian) like her. If you shun people like that and hate them , you'll be hating half the world. I think time and understanding will heal everything.

She is doing more than reacting out of fear and insecurity, she is refusing to attend a wedding. That's a huge slight in American culture. The one in which she lives. The one in which her son is marrying into. And that's a mistake that time may or may not heal. I think that's what a lot of us are trying to express here - that the assumption that time will heal everything (i.e. the snubbing of this wedding) is a very risky one to make, with serious negative consequences if and when grandkids enter the picture.

The shunning is occurring on the part of OP's wife, not the posters here.

Her anger in all likelihood is directed at her son. Not the DIL. Her son let her down by not letting her in, early. A week before the wedding is brutal. I'd be pissed too. These people birthed and raised him. They deserve to be treated better.

This was brought up earlier and while it is very true that he should have told them earlier, he probably knew his mom would never accept his white GF. I wouldn't have told her either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is people are not perfect. Including parents. Irrespective of race, most people are set in their ways and seek comfort in the familiar. OPs wife is reacting partially out of fear & insecurity while stepping into unfamiliar territory. Vietnamese is home, familiar, comfortable. Anything else uncomfortable.
Does that make her a bad person, or racist? I don't think so. Look within America you'll find a lot of people, (non-Asian) like her. If you shun people like that and hate them, you'll be hating half the world. I think time and understanding will heal everything.

She is doing more than reacting out of fear and insecurity, she is refusing to attend a wedding. That's a huge slight in American culture. The one in which she lives. The one in which her son is marrying into. And that's a mistake that time may or may not heal. I think that's what a lot of us are trying to express here - that the assumption that time will heal everything (i.e. the snubbing of this wedding) is a very risky one to make, with serious negative consequences if and when grandkids enter the picture.

The shunning is occurring on the part of OP's wife, not the posters here.

This. Maybe the wife's feelings are understandable, but she is reacting in a way that is HUGELY offensive and will likely cause lasting damage to the relationship. The assumption that the wife will "come around" when grandkids enter the picture completely ignores the fact that, by boycotting the wedding, she is creating a situation in which she's not the only one who will need to "come around" for the relationship to heal, and her change of heart may be irrelevant because she's burned the bridge.

[Anonymous]

OP, congrats. You sound like a great dad and husband, even when the interests are split. You are doing your best to support both. Point out that there are blondes like me who speak French and Vietnamese. She can learn if it's so important; your son can teach her if he has any interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What arrant nonsense. Let's flip it, shall we - OP's now white, with deep southern roots that go back centuries. His son is marrying a first generation Vietnamese girl, and his wife is apoplectic, and refuses to attend the wedding. You see, she always dreamed of a DIL who has the same ethnic background she has - it makes it easier to connect, and to pass down traditions. It's not that the prospective DIL is Vietnamese - of course not! - it's that she ISN'T a white southerner.

You'd think that was just fine, right? Of course you wouldn't. You'd lose your chit, and call her a racist redneck - and you'd be right. This is no different.

Not the same thing. The first gen Vietnamese potential DIL, in your scenario, speaks fluent English. That means the potential DIL has demonstrated the ability to share in her potential in-laws' culture because she can speak their language. Also, by growing up in the US, she probably has some of degree of familiarity with their culture. She can connect with them linguistically and to a lesser extent, culturally. On top of that, because they live in the US, it's already guaranteed that Southern American culture (food, holidays, and most importantly, language) can passed on with far greater ease.

An equivalent scenario for your white Southerners look something like this. If the white Southerners some how ended up as racial/ethnic minorities in Vietnam. Their son brings home a Vietnamese woman who doesn't speak English and is not familiar with Southern American history/culture.

The lengths to which you will go to excuse bigotry are truly astounding.

Last post on this issue. Then I'm going to give up. I'm only pointing out that there's a difference between wanting your child to marry within the same culture or at least, someone who had a reasonable degree from cultural familiarity versus being bigoted against someone due to the color of their skin/hair/eyes. I wouldn't tolerate the latter in any way but I can be sympathetic to the former even if I disagree with it. I don't think that we should treat these things the same.

I had a ABC friend who married a Singaporean Indian of Tamil descent. At first, the parents tried to play it off as cultural concerns. But that didn't hold water because he grew up in Singapore, spoke fluent Mandarin, etc. He was actually more culturally Chinese than her because he grew up in a Chinese majority society. The parents eventually admitted that they didn't want their daughter marrying a dark skin person. No other opposition than the color of his skin. That's what racism looks like. She didn't speak to her parents for 7 years. I completely supported her because her parents' position was completely indefensible.

OP's wife's position is overbearing, presumptuous, controlling, and a host of other issues. But that's not the same as dismissing a potential DIL over an intrinsic biological characteristic that she has no control over.

[Anonymous]

I don’t agree with your wife’a Reaction OP, but you seem very reasonable. The passage of time will be the best medicine here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is people are not perfect. Including parents. Irrespective of race, most people are set in their ways and seek comfort in the familiar. OPs wife is reacting partially out of fear & insecurity while stepping into unfamiliar territory. Vietnamese is home, familiar, comfortable. Anything else uncomfortable.
Does that make her a bad person, or racist? I don't think so. Look within America you'll find a lot of people, (non-Asian) like her. If you shun people like that and hate them , you'll be hating half the world. I think time and understanding will heal everything.

She is doing more than reacting out of fear and insecurity, she is refusing to attend a wedding. That's a huge slight in American culture. The one in which she lives. The one in which her son is marrying into. And that's a mistake that time may or may not heal. I think that's what a lot of us are trying to express here - that the assumption that time will heal everything (i.e. the snubbing of this wedding) is a very risky one to make, with serious negative consequences if and when grandkids enter the picture.

The shunning is occurring on the part of OP's wife, not the posters here.

Her anger in all likelihood is directed at her son. Not the DIL. Her son let her down by not letting her in, early. A week before the wedding is brutal. I'd be pissed too. These people birthed and raised him. They deserve to be treated better.

This was brought up earlier and while it is very true that he should have told them earlier, he probably knew his mom would never accept his white GF. I wouldn't have told her either.

If he didn't care enough for their opinion or familiarizing his future wife to his family, how does it matter if they are even present at his wedding, or not. Relationships are a two way street. Now that he's an adult he needs to own his part. It looks like he doesn't care enough about his mother to even get her opinion, leave alone consent. The parents have no reason to feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is people are not perfect. Including parents. Irrespective of race, most people are set in their ways and seek comfort in the familiar. OPs wife is reacting partially out of fear & insecurity while stepping into unfamiliar territory. Vietnamese is home, familiar, comfortable. Anything else uncomfortable.
Does that make her a bad person, or racist? I don't think so. Look within America you'll find a lot of people, (non-Asian) like her. If you shun people like that and hate them , you'll be hating half the world. I think time and understanding will heal everything.

She is doing more than reacting out of fear and insecurity, she is refusing to attend a wedding. That's a huge slight in American culture. The one in which she lives. The one in which her son is marrying into. And that's a mistake that time may or may not heal. I think that's what a lot of us are trying to express here - that the assumption that time will heal everything (i.e. the snubbing of this wedding) is a very risky one to make, with serious negative consequences if and when grandkids enter the picture.

The shunning is occurring on the part of OP's wife, not the posters here.

Her anger in all likelihood is directed at her son. Not the DIL. Her son let her down by not letting her in, early. A week before the wedding is brutal. I'd be pissed too. These people birthed and raised him. They deserve to be treated better.

This was brought up earlier and while it is very true that he should have told them earlier, he probably knew his mom would never accept his white GF. I wouldn't have told her either.

But he gave them no time to adjust. They are still his parents, he knew the would have a hard time adjusting, so not only did he do something that he knew would shock them (getting serious with a non-Vietnamese woman) he introduced them and announced a wedding in a week all at the same time. It’s lovely to demand that older, entrenched people don’t hold outdated prejudices, but that’s not life and the son should have given them the opportunity to reflect in private and possibly get the initial knee jerk reaction out. So now there likely will be bad blood forever and the son is not blameless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I call troll on this whole thread.

+1. Ding!