Don't feel connected to wife anymore

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I feel like your wife. I'm wiped out and feel like I have nothing to give. I think if I didn't have to work, plus shop, cook, clean, pack lunches, and do drop offs and pick ups, I'd have something left for my husband but I am all tapped out. Libido zero. Energy zero.

Don't be surprised when he strays then. It never ceases to amaze me how the person you took vows with, the person who is supposed to be your true love and soul mate, gets pushed to the back burner. Really, prioritizing packing lunches over your life partner? You're sad and pathetic.

Why so hostile towards someone who's acknowledging that the overwhelming responsibilities towards kids and household and job take their toll, especially on women, who rightly feel so much is dumped on them? Packing lunches is about feeding your kids. Maybe in your world of twoo luv and soulmates, kids just hover around the fuzzy edges of life, smiling and looking cute, but in the real world, they have needs that you have to meet unless you want Child Protective Services at your door.

Then don't bitch when your partner strays or is disinterested. If you can't figure out a way to also nurture and cultivate your MARRIAGE, you deserve what you get. All of what you discussed are the fruits of that marriage--children and family time. Why do so many women (and I am a woman) think it's completely acceptable to make their life partner last on their list of everything? You can make fun of me all you want and mock me by writing "twoo luv" but that just tells me that you must be in a sad marriage. You can and should have true love and prioritize it and cultivate it. What, did you marry just to have a sperm donor? Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic.

Let me put it to you straight: women put their partners last on their list because their partners put THEM last on their list. When you abdicate your household responsibilities (like so many men do) that's putting your partner last on your list. Men need to grow up and realize that they are managing a household TOGETHER and not expect that their juvenile fantasies will be automatically met.

It is not a juvenile fantasy to expect a normal/regular sexlife. And if the man's contributions to household responsibilities are indeed the reason she doesn't want sex, she should be telling him exactly that. I'm not hearing this from OP.

No doubt there are some men who do nothing around the house: shame on them!

Alot of women however lack the ability to walk away from (or outsource) household responsibilities that SHOULD BE ABDICATED.
If packing lunches uses up all available time, or exhausts you, to the point where sex is of the table, then give the kids $6 to buy their lunch.
Some women will NEVER prioritize the spousal relationship, REGARDLESS of how many household responsibilities the man takes on.
Her list is endless because "the household" is fundamentally more important to her than "the marriage" and, no matter what he does, she can easily invent new things that always take priority over couple time.

Well, let's try an experiment. Men: start doing 50% of the childrearing and household labor. Then we'll see if women "invent new things". (Don't forget that even if you don't pack lunch, you have to remember to sign them up online, fund the account, get the money back if it's left over, cover preschool snack day, etc etc etc).

Experiment complete. She ran three marathons this year. We've had sex 10 times.

[Anonymous]

Yet another thread is seized by the Woman Hater Club and devolves into their usual whine-fest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yet another thread is seized by the Woman Hater Club and devolves into their usual whine-fest.

I'm a woman, can I be in the Woman Hater Club? Because I am on OP's side. You psycho bitches just love to act like martyrs. OP could do 100% of the housework and childcare, and you all still wouldn't be happy. It would still be somehow his fault. His stupid wife has plenty of time to stick her face in her phone; time she could be spending to nurture her marriage. She's not fucking packing lunches or whatever dumb chore you use an an excuse to ignore your "sperm donor" you refer to as your husband. Don't you get it?? She HAS THE TIME to fart around in her phone but somehow you psychos turned it into "he doesn't do enough housework waaaaaaaaaah" AS ALWAYS. God!

[Anonymous]

OP I just want to say I feel for you because I'm kinda there too. I feel like my DH just doesn't really like me anymore. I think he thinks I'm a good mother, good at my job, and maybe even a good wife on paper, but he just doesn't seem to enjoy my company and everything I do seems to irritate him. There are a lot of circumstantial things going on around here that I'm sure exacerbate things -- toddler, pregnancy, stressful job, all the fun of being in your 30s -- but significant as those things are I don't think they explain everything. I've thought a lot in the last 6 months or so that if we didn't have a kid, I would leave. But, we do and I'm the child of divorced parents and it really sucks so I don't want that for my kids. But, it is so very sad living with someone who makes you feel undesirable - be it physically or otherwise (or both, in my case).

It seems pretty obvious that we both need to talk to our spouses. I've been trying to figure out how to do it in a way that doesn't turn into an argument. I think he feels the disconnect too, so I'm hoping we can agree that it's there and focus on building a better future as a team without getting into an unproductive round of the blame game. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, let's try an experiment. Men: start doing 50% of the childrearing and household labor. Then we'll see if women "invent new things". (Don't forget that even if you don't pack lunch, you have to remember to sign them up online, fund the account, get the money back if it's left over, cover preschool snack day, etc etc etc).

Nice try! It is not just some wacky "experiment" for men to do their 50% share. Men all over DC have been doing this for centuries. Yes, alot of women will immediately find some "important" domestic thing to fill any otherwise "free" time.

PP, here is a purely mental experiment for you: pick one of your time-consuming domestic chores. I don't know your life, but let's say you do the family laundry. Instead of doing it yourself, just outsource it: take all your dirty clothes to the local cleaners to be laundered and folded. There's maybe 3 hours back into your day right?
Now answer this question: what will you do with those 3 hours ? Well?

I bet your instinctual response was: Great, now I can put out all the Holloween decorations
You were NOT thinking to go lure the Husband into bedroom for some raunchy sex.

See what I mean? Your head is filled with an infinite list, where Husband is ALWAYS at the very bottom.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. BTDT. Our sex life was miserable during the ES years and it nearly destroyed our marriage. And we had a great marriage but all unraveled without sex, the glue to marriage.

I wish I had good advice for you, but the truth there was very little I could do to get my wife interested in sex. I hit everything on the checklist and it didn't matter. In retrospect, the best advice I can give you is simply to have the hard and honest and sometime brutal conversations about the importance of sex in marriage. Looking back, the fact my wife cried during those conversations was probably a good sign. She knew it was a big deal but didn't or couldn't do anything about it.

Our marriage is better now, and the youngest is ready to hit high school in a year. So glad we didn't throw in the towel. Divorce is really tough on kids. The one constant I hear from my friends who divorced non-toxic marriages was they wished they fought harder for the marriage. It gets better when the kids get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just as the title suggests. Don't feel a connection. It has to do with lack of sex. Haven't had it and when it happens it's boring. She complains she's tired, wants the TV on or something else takes precedence. I understand the tired. So am I, I work, help with kid, maintain house. I don't watch TV, and only do when my advances are rejected and I don't want to lay there in bed wondering why my wife won't sleep with me. But it's bleeding into other things.

For example, we used to watch a couple of shows together. I don't do that any more. Just not interested in sitting there watching a stupid show I don't like. I used to not mind but now it's super irritating. I just don't care to hear about her day. I mean if she's having a bad day, sure I'll listen but I just don't have any empathy. Like I just listen and then move on with my day. I find myself doing a lot more on my own now. For example I'll take on extra duties to get out of the house (outside work, errands), spend more time at the gym, takenthe kid out with me alone. It getting to the point where when I start thinking about my future plans - I subconsciously do not include her into my long term strategy. I do for my kid, but at this point her opinion means very little.

I hate feeling this way as I love my wife, but just can't help but feel I made a mistake. I miss the passion and fun and there isn't any. I think about divorce options a lot more than I used to. Which is scary to me. I have started noticing other women a LOT more. There are a lot of attractive ones for sure. What is scary is I find it easy to engage with these women and have no issue talking to pretty women. I feel confident and comfortable in these scenarios and have plenty of attractive female colleagues and friends. For example, we went to a friend's function recently and another woman was there who is somewhat a newlywed. About a year or so. She was attractive so I flirted with her and she was very receptive. I enjoyed it to be honest, the positive feedback and light flirting, the jokes her hand contact. Her husband was there but getting wasted with friends and s little bit of a joke. She didn't interact with him like I would have with my wife early in our marriage. The body language was telling. My wife was there too but I wasn't interested in what she was doing. She was with her friends and I was alone and didn't really know that many people.


Regardless, I felt a little guilty because I hate feeling like this. Perhaps councilling?

I have not read all 9 pages of responses...what I can say is from what I read I know you said she changed, you have not - and yet you admit to having watched tv with her and now you don't, you used to listen with empathy, now you don't, doing things to get out of the house, etc. You have BOTH changed. That is part of LIFE. If you were both the same people you were when you got married you'd be in an even worse mess probably Being married and having a marriage is a CHOICE. You say you love her and you miss the passion and the fun you used to have -- MAKE THINGS FUN. When my husband and I were going through a tough time I made sure that I found something for us to laugh at together each and every day - and it helped us. Find something the 2 of you CAN do together that is fun - it might be something totally new for both of you. Whatever you do, make the CHOICE to be with her. Counseling will definitely help if you find the right person. Please try to find that right person!

[Anonymous]

^^^^ OP you need to face the fact that you have changed also, and start focusing on how to fix your relationship - not your wife.

And of course you can't fix it single handedly, but you can do what you can do (therapy will help) and then decide where to go from there. But your attitude right now is all wrong for achieving happiness.

[Anonymous]

Divorce now. This marriage can't be saved. I can tell you don't want it to be and probably your wife doesn't either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like your wife. I'm wiped out and feel like I have nothing to give. I think if I didn't have to work, plus shop, cook, clean, pack lunches, and do drop offs and pick ups, I'd have something left for my husband but I am all tapped out. Libido zero. Energy zero.

Don't be surprised when he strays then. It never ceases to amaze me how the person you took vows with, the person who is supposed to be your true love and soul mate, gets pushed to the back burner. Really, prioritizing packing lunches over your life partner? You're sad and pathetic.

Why so hostile towards someone who's acknowledging that the overwhelming responsibilities towards kids and household and job take their toll, especially on women, who rightly feel so much is dumped on them? Packing lunches is about feeding your kids. Maybe in your world of twoo luv and soulmates, kids just hover around the fuzzy edges of life, smiling and looking cute, but in the real world, they have needs that you have to meet unless you want Child Protective Services at your door.

I had that same thought. What kind of person would forgo feeding their children lunch in order to spend that time having sex?

Most schools have lunches you can buy. Problem solved. Now start burning up the covers.

Or if you're on a relationship with an unequal amount of parent duties you shift responsibilitis more equitably then just focusing on school lunches as the reason why your not having sex.

I have said to my husband that I don't necessarily view him being responsible for housework and parenting as a turn-on but definitely when he acts like a gigantic man baby it's a huge turnoff.