Don't feel connected to wife anymore

[Anonymous]

Ironically, it doesn't matter whose fault anything is. It doesn't matter who is more or less boring. OP's wife seems okay with their parallel existence, and it's not uncommon. See the thread about women who want to be married part-time. OP is not into it.

OP, because you experience difficulty, it is up to you to do the work. By work I don't mean pitiful attempts to make your spouse happy as some here suggest. I mean initiating the conversation about your discomfort in the relationship and finding out where your wife stands on this. Things should get clearer from then on. Your refusal to do the difficult part will only drag this misery out ad inifinitum. You either take charge or your life or you don't, it's largely up to you.

[Anonymous]

She's waiting for you to cheat so she can get a bigger payout at the divorce proceedings. She wants that big bonus money all to herself...and she's tired of working so the alimony you will be paying her will be enough for her to stay at home so she has more time to play on her phone and watch lame TV shows.

I bet she's keeping a very, very close eye on you. Be careful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are experiencing is a natural progression of a marital relationship. How old is your child? Why does divorce scare you?

I suggest individual counseling first. Maybe once you sort yourself out, you can suggest couples' counseling to your wife. But in my experience, once the relationship is done, it's done. You can choose to move on, to tolerate it with whining or without whining. I doubt you can fix this, you'll be wasting time and delaying the inevitable. Good luck to you whatever you decide.

Or instead of spending money to talk to a stranger who probably can't help, you could spend the cash doing fun things together. Go on hikes, vacations, to see indepdent films, have date nights, work on a home improvement project, travel etc.

Yeah, we do that. I am in the middle of if a huge project on the house right now. But I guess you missed the part where I schedule date nights...try reading again.

Yikes. Well now we know why your wife isn't interested in you...you're mean.

Oh give me a break. In the judgmental world of DCUM, his post is not mean at all. The women in this forum just love to blame the man. OP, it sounds like you've made efforts. I don't think you sound like a terribly boring person and it seems like you've tried to connect with dates and small talk and stuff. I was in your shoes (I'm a woman though.) we didn't go to counseling because I think we both felt that it would be fruitless. I point blank asked my ex husband one day "do you still want to be married to me?" And was greeted with silence. It was a tough pill to swallow at the time but I'm now happily divorced and in a relationship where I feel appreciated and we click. It's been 4 years together and we still are interested in the little things like each other's day and mundane work matters. If she doesn't want to reconnect or join your efforts to spark the romance again, I'd leave.

Really? I think OP has written a few posts that reveal his personality and his attitude. If he talks to his wife the way he talks to people here it's no wonder she's more interested in her phone.

You read the personality and attitude in just a few written words? How does he "talk" to people here? Can you be more specific?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are experiencing is a natural progression of a marital relationship. How old is your child? Why does divorce scare you?

I suggest individual counseling first. Maybe once you sort yourself out, you can suggest couples' counseling to your wife. But in my experience, once the relationship is done, it's done. You can choose to move on, to tolerate it with whining or without whining. I doubt you can fix this, you'll be wasting time and delaying the inevitable. Good luck to you whatever you decide.

Or instead of spending money to talk to a stranger who probably can't help, you could spend the cash doing fun things together. Go on hikes, vacations, to see indepdent films, have date nights, work on a home improvement project, travel etc.

It takes two to tango though. If one of the two has checked out mentally, no amount of hikes and films will change that.

This. We recently went to a dinner event and she didn't spend much time with me, which is fine her friends were there and she wanted to socialize. But in the way home...on her phone.

How does this incredibly boring woman who has no interests besides two television shows manage to have friends?

Honestly, if I were her, I would prefer to hang out with people who found me fun and interesting rather than the guy who thinks I am literally the most boring person on the planet.

Is this a real question? Is having friends incredibly difficult for you, PP? Plenty of bores get together on a regular basis, I can assure you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ironically, it doesn't matter whose fault anything is. It doesn't matter who is more or less boring. OP's wife seems okay with their parallel existence, and it's not uncommon. See the thread about women who want to be married part-time. OP is not into it.

OP, because you experience difficulty, it is up to you to do the work. By work I don't mean pitiful attempts to make your spouse happy as some here suggest. I mean initiating the conversation about your discomfort in the relationship and finding out where your wife stands on this. Things should get clearer from then on. Your refusal to do the difficult part will only drag this misery out ad inifinitum. You either take charge or your life or you don't, it's largely up to you.

I was in this situation. I thought we were having a natural lull but it didn't really matter because we had a strong marriage. My spouse was to scared to bring it up with me directly, decided that I wasn't in love anymore, and had a long emotional affair that became physical, and we are now divorced. My behavior wasn't great, but I think my spouse owed me honesty, and the chance to change before deciding that our marriage was over. Be brave, OP and just tell her what you need from her and also start giving her more of your best self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ironically, it doesn't matter whose fault anything is. It doesn't matter who is more or less boring. OP's wife seems okay with their parallel existence, and it's not uncommon. See the thread about women who want to be married part-time. OP is not into it.

OP, because you experience difficulty, it is up to you to do the work. By work I don't mean pitiful attempts to make your spouse happy as some here suggest. I mean initiating the conversation about your discomfort in the relationship and finding out where your wife stands on this. Things should get clearer from then on. Your refusal to do the difficult part will only drag this misery out ad inifinitum. You either take charge or your life or you don't, it's largely up to you.

Agreed,if she won't take responsibility for her lack of effort then it's time to make a tough decision. Tell her to get it together because you're not into the roommates thug and you're being deprived of a healthy sex filled relationship with someone who isn't a dead bore.

She can fix it or you can leave...

[Anonymous]

I kind of like all the "she is waiting for you to cheat" comments too! There's something to be sad about that, OP. Pay attention

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are experiencing is a natural progression of a marital relationship. How old is your child? Why does divorce scare you?

I suggest individual counseling first. Maybe once you sort yourself out, you can suggest couples' counseling to your wife. But in my experience, once the relationship is done, it's done. You can choose to move on, to tolerate it with whining or without whining. I doubt you can fix this, you'll be wasting time and delaying the inevitable. Good luck to you whatever you decide.

Or instead of spending money to talk to a stranger who probably can't help, you could spend the cash doing fun things together. Go on hikes, vacations, to see indepdent films, have date nights, work on a home improvement project, travel etc.

It takes two to tango though. If one of the two has checked out mentally, no amount of hikes and films will change that.

This. We recently went to a dinner event and she didn't spend much time with me, which is fine her friends were there and she wanted to socialize. But in the way home...on her phone.

How does this incredibly boring woman who has no interests besides two television shows manage to have friends?

Honestly, if I were her, I would prefer to hang out with people who found me fun and interesting rather than the guy who thinks I am literally the most boring person on the planet.

Is this a real question? Is having friends incredibly difficult for you, PP? Plenty of bores get together on a regular basis, I can assure you.

I have never actually met a boring person, so I wouldn't know. Everyone I have ever met has a past, interests, opinions, values, things that they find funny, and things that make them sad. I have met thousands of people through my work and personal life, including those with profound developmental delays and schizophrenia, and not one of them is as boring as OP is portraying his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are experiencing is a natural progression of a marital relationship. How old is your child? Why does divorce scare you?

I suggest individual counseling first. Maybe once you sort yourself out, you can suggest couples' counseling to your wife. But in my experience, once the relationship is done, it's done. You can choose to move on, to tolerate it with whining or without whining. I doubt you can fix this, you'll be wasting time and delaying the inevitable. Good luck to you whatever you decide.

Or instead of spending money to talk to a stranger who probably can't help, you could spend the cash doing fun things together. Go on hikes, vacations, to see indepdent films, have date nights, work on a home improvement project, travel etc.

It takes two to tango though. If one of the two has checked out mentally, no amount of hikes and films will change that.

This. We recently went to a dinner event and she didn't spend much time with me, which is fine her friends were there and she wanted to socialize. But in the way home...on her phone.

How does this incredibly boring woman who has no interests besides two television shows manage to have friends?

Honestly, if I were her, I would prefer to hang out with people who found me fun and interesting rather than the guy who thinks I am literally the most boring person on the planet.

Is this a real question? Is having friends incredibly difficult for you, PP? Plenty of bores get together on a regular basis, I can assure you.

I have never actually met a boring person, so I wouldn't know. Everyone I have ever met has a past, interests, opinions, values, things that they find funny, and things that make them sad. I have met thousands of people through my work and personal life, including those with profound developmental delays and schizophrenia, and not one of them is as boring as OP is portraying his wife.

The definition of boring in this context can be fluid. I don't know why y'all got hung up on the 'boring' comment so much.

I'm sure you've met plenty of folks you didn't click or simply didn't want to hang out with. Besides, it's much easier not to seem boring to a stranger for a short period of time. Much harder after years of marriage Don't judge. The bulk of OP's beef is not with how boring DW is. There is a disconnect, they're probably just growing apart etc. Happens every day.

[Anonymous]

This is about how to fix your marriage, not just your sex life (despite the title):

http://marriedmansexlife.com/2015/07/the-married-guys-guide-to-wife-complete-video-series/

http://marriedmansexlife.vanillacommunities.com/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife has checked out. Would bet she is having an affair.

Wife sounds checked out, yes, but she may or may not be having an affair. My DH, the non-affairing partner in this marriage, is like that wife. Phone phone phone social media. Eventually he dialed it back (although, by then, it was a little late). I (the affairing partner) was more likely to be present and not bring my phone to the table/bed/etc. I just find it rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife has checked out. Would bet she is having an affair.

Wife sounds checked out, yes, but she may or may not be having an affair. My DH, the non-affairing partner in this marriage, is like that wife. Phone phone phone social media. Eventually he dialed it back (although, by then, it was a little late). I (the affairing partner) was more likely to be present and not bring my phone to the table/bed/etc. I just find it rude.

You found it rude to bring your phone to the table or bed. But you had an affair. Miss Manners would have a field day with you.

[Anonymous]

I'd be interested in hearing what you used to like about her, what you used to do together. Right now, she sounds extremely boring. Do you remember when she changed from somebody who was interesting to somebody who is checked out? I think you should think a bit about this change: what she used to be, what she is now, and when/how did the change take place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So first off you need to put your foot down about the phone. No comments and then it later comes back out. I would raise hell and not let that happen.

Second you need to make your own life more interesting. Find ways to engage her in conversation. Change the tv show you watch. Cook a new dinner together. It seems like your attitude is that she should make life interesting for you but it should go both ways.

Also not sure what your bonus has to do with things.

It's a big deal as it was for all the hard work for a massively successful project despite setbacks. I was a huge effort I led. See thing is, when you do stuff like that you tell your spouse. I'd be more than happy to hear news like that from her.

I don't like TV particularly as it's a waste of time, I instead get involved in productive things. I watched it because she like somemshows and I like to spend time with her. I don't cook anymore. I used to a lot and everyone enjoyed it. I mean I do but bring the extras in for friends and coworkers as they like it. I don't make things for her anymore. To be honest I like making food and as I have a pretty strict diet I maintain for health and appearance, it's healthy too.

So sound boring, which is probably your wife is on her phone so much.

Still don't understand about the bonus. You want your wife to talk about it more?

It sounds like he wants her to acknowledge his accomplishment and maybe help him celebrate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be interested in hearing what you used to like about her, what you used to do together. Right now, she sounds extremely boring. Do you remember when she changed from somebody who was interesting to somebody who is checked out? I think you should think a bit about this change: what she used to be, what she is now, and when/how did the change take place?

OP here

A lot, she used to be a sweet and adventurous person. Personal stuff has happened with her and her family, but it does with all of us and we deal with those wounds and move on. All in all she's lucky. Nice house, healthy kid, both have high incomes, decent jobs, nice vehicles. On the outside it seems perfect but I'm broken emotionally. I just went from getting rejected to not even trying to initiate sex. I'm fit, regular lifting and gym, eat good, get interest from other women.

If she's cheating, then so be it. I won't forgive in that respect and I'll leave no questions. I won't give a pass on cheating.