Don't feel connected to wife anymore

[Anonymous]

Just as the title suggests. Don't feel a connection. It has to do with lack of sex. Haven't had it and when it happens it's boring. She complains she's tired, wants the TV on or something else takes precedence. I understand the tired. So am I, I work, help with kid, maintain house. I don't watch TV, and only do when my advances are rejected and I don't want to lay there in bed wondering why my wife won't sleep with me. But it's bleeding into other things.

For example, we used to watch a couple of shows together. I don't do that any more. Just not interested in sitting there watching a stupid show I don't like. I used to not mind but now it's super irritating. I just don't care to hear about her day. I mean if she's having a bad day, sure I'll listen but I just don't have any empathy. Like I just listen and then move on with my day. I find myself doing a lot more on my own now. For example I'll take on extra duties to get out of the house (outside work, errands), spend more time at the gym, takenthe kid out with me alone. It getting to the point where when I start thinking about my future plans - I subconsciously do not include her into my long term strategy. I do for my kid, but at this point her opinion means very little.

I hate feeling this way as I love my wife, but just can't help but feel I made a mistake. I miss the passion and fun and there isn't any. I think about divorce options a lot more than I used to. Which is scary to me. I have started noticing other women a LOT more. There are a lot of attractive ones for sure. What is scary is I find it easy to engage with these women and have no issue talking to pretty women. I feel confident and comfortable in these scenarios and have plenty of attractive female colleagues and friends. For example, we went to a friend's function recently and another woman was there who is somewhat a newlywed. About a year or so. She was attractive so I flirted with her and she was very receptive. I enjoyed it to be honest, the positive feedback and light flirting, the jokes her hand contact. Her husband was there but getting wasted with friends and s little bit of a joke. She didn't interact with him like I would have with my wife early in our marriage. The body language was telling. My wife was there too but I wasn't interested in what she was doing. She was with her friends and I was alone and didn't really know that many people.


Regardless, I felt a little guilty because I hate feeling like this. Perhaps councilling?

[Anonymous]

Very common.

Normal advice here: Do you approach her for company/companionship where you're not expecting sex? Are you an equal partner in housework and child care, etc. etc.?

Truth is you can be all these things and still have this problem. Which is immensely frustrating and does lead to the detachment you describe. Been there, done that.

Be good to yourself. You may have to make a little more of an effort to "court" her like you were dating, even if it means "fake it until you make it" given where you are mentally. If that fails, at least you made good faith effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very common.

Normal advice here: Do you approach her for company/companionship where you're not expecting sex? Are you an equal partner in housework and child care, etc. etc.?

Truth is you can be all these things and still have this problem. Which is immensely frustrating and does lead to the detachment you describe. Been there, done that.

Be good to yourself. You may have to make a little more of an effort to "court" her like you were dating, even if it means "fake it until you make it" given where you are mentally. If that fails, at least you made good faith effort.

I used to more, but now I just don't feel as motivated. I still help but once I'm done, I just leave as I have no interest in sitting around or talking to her. It's like I just go through the motions.

I want date nights, she just doesn't look like she interested and when we do she's on her phone. I want to ducking smash that thing. I like my phone too, but when I want to connect it's off, so is the TV and anything else.

I make a comment and she's like" I'm sorry" and puts it down. 10 minutes later she's back on it again. I just got a huge bonus, like a massive one. The last four years I've gotten huge bonuses and a big promotion. This is after I started at anew place five years ago.

She seeing even know what I did or that I'm getting it. When I try to talk about it she started looking at her phone so I stopped. I won't take a back seat to her mobile phone.

[Anonymous]

So first off you need to put your foot down about the phone. No comments and then it later comes back out. I would raise hell and not let that happen.

Second you need to make your own life more interesting. Find ways to engage her in conversation. Change the tv show you watch. Cook a new dinner together. It seems like your attitude is that she should make life interesting for you but it should go both ways.

Also not sure what your bonus has to do with things.

[Anonymous]

Wow. OP - I feel for you. Both of you are disconnecting from each other.

Just what is your wife doing on her phone? Have you asked? Because it seems like she's not into you just as much (or more?) and she doesn't seem to want to talk about it. Could she be having an affair (emotional and/or physical). Because sounds like you're already rationalizing why you just may soon stray.

[Anonymous]

She has disconnected you from the income you provide to the family. It doesn't "count" in her mental world of things you do that make her life better. She has access to a bank account with plenty of money. As far as she's concerned on an emotional level, you have nothing to do with it.

[Anonymous]

Your entire post is about blaming your wife!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So first off you need to put your foot down about the phone. No comments and then it later comes back out. I would raise hell and not let that happen.

Second you need to make your own life more interesting. Find ways to engage her in conversation. Change the tv show you watch. Cook a new dinner together. It seems like your attitude is that she should make life interesting for you but it should go both ways.

Also not sure what your bonus has to do with things.

It's a big deal as it was for all the hard work for a massively successful project despite setbacks. I was a huge effort I led. See thing is, when you do stuff like that you tell your spouse. I'd be more than happy to hear news like that from her.

I don't like TV particularly as it's a waste of time, I instead get involved in productive things. I watched it because she like somemshows and I like to spend time with her. I don't cook anymore. I used to a lot and everyone enjoyed it. I mean I do but bring the extras in for friends and coworkers as they like it. I don't make things for her anymore. To be honest I like making food and as I have a pretty strict diet I maintain for health and appearance, it's healthy too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. OP - I feel for you. Both of you are disconnecting from each other.

Just what is your wife doing on her phone? Have you asked? Because it seems like she's not into you just as much (or more?) and she doesn't seem to want to talk about it. Could she be having an affair (emotional and/or physical). Because sounds like you're already rationalizing why you just may soon stray.

FB mostly. Snapchat too and Instgram. The usual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your entire post is about blaming your wife!

I didn't change..she did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So first off you need to put your foot down about the phone. No comments and then it later comes back out. I would raise hell and not let that happen.

Second you need to make your own life more interesting. Find ways to engage her in conversation. Change the tv show you watch. Cook a new dinner together. It seems like your attitude is that she should make life interesting for you but it should go both ways.

Also not sure what your bonus has to do with things.

It's a big deal as it was for all the hard work for a massively successful project despite setbacks. I was a huge effort I led. See thing is, when you do stuff like that you tell your spouse. I'd be more than happy to hear news like that from her.

I don't like TV particularly as it's a waste of time, I instead get involved in productive things. I watched it because she like somemshows and I like to spend time with her. I don't cook anymore. I used to a lot and everyone enjoyed it. I mean I do but bring the extras in for friends and coworkers as they like it. I don't make things for her anymore. To be honest I like making food and as I have a pretty strict diet I maintain for health and appearance, it's healthy too.

So sound boring, which is probably your wife is on her phone so much.

Still don't understand about the bonus. You want your wife to talk about it more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So first off you need to put your foot down about the phone. No comments and then it later comes back out. I would raise hell and not let that happen.

Second you need to make your own life more interesting. Find ways to engage her in conversation. Change the tv show you watch. Cook a new dinner together. It seems like your attitude is that she should make life interesting for you but it should go both ways.

Also not sure what your bonus has to do with things.

It's a big deal as it was for all the hard work for a massively successful project despite setbacks. I was a huge effort I led. See thing is, when you do stuff like that you tell your spouse. I'd be more than happy to hear news like that from her.

I don't like TV particularly as it's a waste of time, I instead get involved in productive things. I watched it because she like somemshows and I like to spend time with her. I don't cook anymore. I used to a lot and everyone enjoyed it. I mean I do but bring the extras in for friends and coworkers as they like it. I don't make things for her anymore. To be honest I like making food and as I have a pretty strict diet I maintain for health and appearance, it's healthy too.

So sound boring, which is probably your wife is on her phone so much.

Still don't understand about the bonus. You want your wife to talk about it more?

Or take some interest in my work? Perhaps a little. I would for her.

I guess you're one of those people who don't care about what their spouse does. She tells me about a big account I'm proud of her and want to hear about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So first off you need to put your foot down about the phone. No comments and then it later comes back out. I would raise hell and not let that happen.

Second you need to make your own life more interesting. Find ways to engage her in conversation. Change the tv show you watch. Cook a new dinner together. It seems like your attitude is that she should make life interesting for you but it should go both ways.

Also not sure what your bonus has to do with things.

It's a big deal as it was for all the hard work for a massively successful project despite setbacks. I was a huge effort I led. See thing is, when you do stuff like that you tell your spouse. I'd be more than happy to hear news like that from her.

I don't like TV particularly as it's a waste of time, I instead get involved in productive things. I watched it because she like somemshows and I like to spend time with her. I don't cook anymore. I used to a lot and everyone enjoyed it. I mean I do but bring the extras in for friends and coworkers as they like it. I don't make things for her anymore. To be honest I like making food and as I have a pretty strict diet I maintain for health and appearance, it's healthy too.[/quote

So sound boring, which is probably your wife is on her phone so much.

Still don't understand about the bonus. You want your wife to talk about it more?

Or take some interest in my work? Perhaps a little. I would for her.

I guess you're one of those people who don't care about what their spouse does. She tells me about a big account I'm proud of her and want to hear about it.

My husband and I both have successful careers. I'm interested in his job up to a point. But if it was all he had to talk about I would lose interest. I can talk about work with my coworkers. If all you're bringing to the table is money/your job then you're boring her.

[Anonymous]

OP, what you are experiencing is a natural progression of a marital relationship. How old is your child? Why does divorce scare you?

I suggest individual counseling first. Maybe once you sort yourself out, you can suggest couples' counseling to your wife. But in my experience, once the relationship is done, it's done. You can choose to move on, to tolerate it with whining or without whining. I doubt you can fix this, you'll be wasting time and delaying the inevitable. Good luck to you whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you are experiencing is a natural progression of a marital relationship. How old is your child? Why does divorce scare you?

I suggest individual counseling first. Maybe once you sort yourself out, you can suggest couples' counseling to your wife. But in my experience, once the relationship is done, it's done. You can choose to move on, to tolerate it with whining or without whining. I doubt you can fix this, you'll be wasting time and delaying the inevitable. Good luck to you whatever you decide.

Or instead of spending money to talk to a stranger who probably can't help, you could spend the cash doing fun things together. Go on hikes, vacations, to see indepdent films, have date nights, work on a home improvement project, travel etc.