My boyfriend has a "Friend"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem with OP's case is she's snooping on her boyfriend. This is literally the only problem here.

OP Here...Not snooping, phone hadn't locked yet, a text came in, I looked down and saw it and the name of the person so I picked up the phone. If I hadn't I would still be in the dark about all this. Thinking everything was great and this relationship was progressing. I could have just let it go but my gut told me to pick it up and I did.

OP, that is snooping. You looked at his phone. It doesn't matter if it was locked or not or whether you were right or not. You picked up his phone and read something that was not intended for you.

I think that the main thing here is that you are insecure and you do not trust your boyfriend. If you want to know if he is interested in her romantically, ask him, "Sam, are you interested in Beth romantically? If she asked you to have sex with her, would you do it?" Right now, it sounds like your boyfriend is into you and doesn't understand why you are so threatened by this woman. Either tell him what your actual concern is and address it, or cut him loose and let him find someone to date who isn't completely insane.

Really? He doesn't seem that into her to me.

He drives long distances to see her and other than this one issue, OP has not been able to cite any problems with their relationship, which she believed was going well, until she snooped in his phone.

So you think she should just ignore this and move on and not be threatened by any of this? I don't know if I agree with this. It is like dirty little secret he is keeping from her. She hasn't seen any actually inappropriate exchanges between them but the volume is disturbing and that is what she sees on text, there is something else she mentioned that they communicate on but she doesn't seem to have access to it and then the phone calls. Why all this attention to another woman. Why isn't he calling her instead of this woman? To many questions. Not that black and white

No, I think she should break up with him because she sounds insecure and I don't think there's any way for him to address that. The OP's concerns with this friendship are mostly centered around how much more successful/attractive/etc. this woman is than the OP. Given that the boyfriend is forthcoming about the relationship when asked, I don't think there's any dirty little secret. She's known him for 6 months and is essentially demanding that he give up a friendship with someone who he has already stated is not a romantic prospect for him and focus only on her.

If you and the OP are the kind of women who cannot stand the idea of your husbands and boyfriends being friends with women, then don't have relationships with men who have female friends. It's actually pretty black and white.

Do you honestly believe that if he had feelings for this "Friend" he would fess up about it to the girlfriend? No guy does that. He is infatuated with this woman and if she changes her mind and wants a relationship OP is dumped. She is the girl he thinks is the best he can do. The "Friend" is what he wants but knows he can't have it. I you want a 100k car, but all you can afford is the 25k car. You buy the 25k car and continue to lust over the 100k car for a lifetime and should you ever have a chance at having the 100k car you will jump on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I think she should break up with him because she sounds insecure and I don't think there's any way for him to address that. The OP's concerns with this friendship are mostly centered around how much more successful/attractive/etc. this woman is than the OP. Given that the boyfriend is forthcoming about the relationship when asked, I don't think there's any dirty little secret. She's known him for 6 months and is essentially demanding that he give up a friendship with someone who he has already stated is not a romantic prospect for him and focus only on her.

If you and the OP are the kind of women who cannot stand the idea of your husbands and boyfriends being friends with women, then don't have relationships with men who have female friends. It's actually pretty black and white.

Do you honestly believe that if he had feelings for this "Friend" he would fess up about it to the girlfriend? No guy does that. He is infatuated with this woman and if she changes her mind and wants a relationship OP is dumped. She is the girl he thinks is the best he can do. The "Friend" is what he wants but knows he can't have it. I you want a 100k car, but all you can afford is the 25k car. You buy the 25k car and continue to lust over the 100k car for a lifetime and should you ever have a chance at having the 100k car you will jump on it.

I have no idea. What I do know is that there is no way out for this guy now. If he says, "No, I'm not interested in Beth" according to you, he must be lying, so it doesn't matter anyway. Dump him and go out with someone who will not speak to any women in any context for more than 3 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem with OP's case is she's snooping on her boyfriend. This is literally the only problem here.

OP Here...Not snooping, phone hadn't locked yet, a text came in, I looked down and saw it and the name of the person so I picked up the phone. If I hadn't I would still be in the dark about all this. Thinking everything was great and this relationship was progressing. I could have just let it go but my gut told me to pick it up and I did.

I don't think you'd pick up the phone if you sincerely believed everything was great. Something prompted you to do what I'm sure you know is wrong.

[Anonymous]

If someone who I've been in a long distance relationship for 6 months started telling me that I text too much with a friend I've known for 6 years bc I texted them "Good Night" or "Good Morning" at night or morning, I'll break up with them for being a psycho. Reading my texts bc my phone happened to be there and was unlocked! You are a SNOOP.

OP sounds very insecure. Finish school, get a career, take care of your child. Stop looking to create drama and GROW UP.

[Anonymous]

OP this relationship is causing you more angst than any young relationship is worth. When you find yourself having to stoop to snooping and your uneasy gut instincts turn out to be right, it's time to leave. It doesn't matter what may have happened or may still be waiting to happen. This is no way to live.

You can't make him be who you want so you'd definitely be better off being alone for now or with someone whose behavior doesn't make you feel like you need to snoop. Long-distance relationships require a tremendous amount of rock solid trust. Clearly you don't have that, justifiably or not. Do yourself a favor and walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just read through the whole thread and wanted to relate a story to you. I was the older woman so let me give you my perspective. Had a guy who I worked with occasionally that we got to be friends. I didn't think much of it but I later reflected back on it that it was a slow slow process that I got drawn into. It started off as just co-workers, had to email,text about stuff occasionally. Then a chat at work about whatever. Then a "oh you going to lunch, me to, lets go together". Simple enough, then talk about work leads to other talk, find out you had things in common, chat some more. Started with simple questions about work and things about the company. It was that whole slow boil of a lobster in a pot. By the time you know it you are in boiling water and it is to late. He had a girlfriend and things were a little rough at the time and I would be supportive and encourage him to do nice things for and with her. As time went on it turns out he thought I was a lot younger than I was. By then he was fully engaged and determined and I could have been in my late 60's and he wouldn't have stopped. So before I realized what was going on, and yes I was the older adult I should have known, he had an emotional attachment to me that to some extent I had encouraged or at least didn't discourage. Did I like the attention? Of course I did, did I have thoughts of it going further; of course I did. He was a young, hot guy with to much time on his hands.

So where did it end? I put my big girl undies on and did the right thing for everyone. He eventually did try something and at first I gave in, but stopped myself and him from taking to a point that we couldn't come back. It is probably the most passion I have dealt with in any relationship that I have ever been in. He was too young, he wanted things I couldn't offer and the girl friend could. Much like your situation. I saw him setting this up for him to basically get a uterus out of the girlfriend and keep me as a side piece. I am to old for that crap to do that no matter how passionate things were. I have the ability to work else where in my company so I did. Stopping the day to day interactions is what did it for me. There is no continuation of the conversation at work over text if I am not there every day. Slowly things petered out, the text stopped, the phone calls stopped and I could take a deep breath again. He became an addiction. It was nice to have all the attention morning, noon and night. I had to make the decision to do this. If I hadn't this would have ended very ugly and with a lot of hurt feelings and mostly on my part.

This was sort of a very slow seduction that at my age I should have know better to get sucked into. I was just glad I was able to extract myself. Do I think this was a master manipulator who just had evil intentions? No, I think he wanted his cake and eat it too and it was easier to find several people to fill the voids in his life instead of trying to get one person to fulfill 95%. He had a lot of interest that the girlfriend didn't really care about and he found that in me. He had tons of things in common with the girlfriend but some core things weren't being met. Problem is you can't find 100% in any person and he wanted 100% and was willing to spread it out among several people. I played a role in this and am willing to admit it. I have never discussed this whole thing with him and we occasionally still have to interact. Seeing him is hard and he greets me like a long lost friend/love when we do see each other. At first, after seeing him at meeting or whatever, he would start texting again and I would have to either ignore or give reason I wasn't able to respond. I would hear the sucking void trying to lure me back in. He stayed with his girlfriend, she moved in. She never knew about me as far as I know.

I guess I am saying that if you want this to end you have to figure out the why? You can't tell him you read his text, but you need to figure out what is the draw to this person. I believe that I wasn't that special and that we just clicked over some interest and things got spun up. I am not a bad looking woman and I don't really look my age so that didn't help. You indicated that this woman may be the same thing. My biggest issue is I don't think the age thing mattered. He could have easily behaved the same way with anyone else and for all I know he may have found a replacement for me.

Hope everything works out

Great post. One more thing, the other woman isn't always attractive. Sometimes the emotional connection dims everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guy, this doesn't sound odd at all to me.

Here you go, OP. Proof you should worry.

You are hiding your head in the sand. If they have not had an intimate relationship (love that term), they are driving down that road. He described her as "hot". Please. Pull your head along with your dignity up out of the sand and confront him. What he's doing is NOT normal for someone in a healthy relationship. We all have friends, even minor flirtations, but texting for hours, three-hour phone calls, saying goodnight to each other via text, eating lunch together every day -- these are red flags!! Danger, danger!!

Confront him. Tell him you saw the texts on his phone. Get yourself checked for STDs, OP. His relationship with her is not "just a friend."

What does she get out of it? She's older, flattered that a young guy finds her attractive. She knows he thinks she's fit, hot, sexy. She probably thinks she can take up with him when he comes to his senses and dumps you. He's clearly more interested in her than he is in you.

Also, what she's doing is a form of sexual harassment. She's setting herself up for a lawsuit, if things don't work out so well with your boyfriend. He can sue her. She's abusing her position. Remember that, OP. This woman is taking a BIG risk. She has the hots for your boyfriend.

She's not setting herself up for a lawsuit. That's over the top. She is more senior to him but OP didnt say that she was in his management chain.

OP, I think your gut sense has a pretty accurate assessment of what's going on. Considering its long distance, you're pretty fortunate to have discovered this friendship after only 7 months. It sounds like they would date if he thought it was an option. Are you willing to walk away if this conntinues?

[Anonymous]

OP- The issue for you is that you are not sure what your boundaries are. He has given you information on the relationship he has with this woman, and I think you want him to tell you something to make you feel comfortable about it. Instead of this approach, how about reaching deep to determine what your boundaries are on this and communicating those to him. I would be very clear if I were not comfortable with that level of texting and I would not be ashamed about it. If it makes you feel uneasy - you feel uneasy... communicate it to him and let him determine what he does with that information. If he wants to continue with whatever behaviors make you feel uncomfortable, then you clearly know where you fall on his priority list. If he wants you to feel comfortable (because you are a priority) then he will work with you on it.

If you can't understand yourself and communicate your needs... how can you expect your boyfriend to do that for you? Once you do understand and communicate what you need... if he doesn't respond the way you need then it is probably not a relationship to keep going. This is a great predictor for the dynamic you will have in your relationship for solving problems... use it as an opportunity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you have a boyfriend who lives out of town?

Also, ya'll text too much. All of ya'll.

This, everything about this. Couldn't have said it better.

[Anonymous]

OP if he needs a lady friend now, when you are dating and life is good and easy,
What will happen when you have a baby that is not sleeping, have PPD, have gained 20 pounds from pregnancy, and aren't ready to have sex again yet?

Personally I would carefully consider whether to stay with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can certainly see why you, as his girlfriend, would be intimidated by this. However, he's been friends with her for years and you've only been in his life for a few months. I would be pretty pissed if a new boyfriend started telling me that I shouldn't be friends with my close male friends because he was concerned that our texting about work BS and Game of Thrones was a threat to our relationship.

If I wanted to text my husband about these things, I would (and do!). Doesn't change that I'm also going to talk to other people in my life that I'm close to.

I think you need to figure out what exactly bothers you so much. That he chooses to talk to her instead of you? Do you want to talk to him for 3 hours while he's driving to see you? Do you want to text him incessantly?

+1

My brother used to have a friend from college that was just a really great friend. And I always swore they had more going on, but the reality was, they didn't. They just had a great friendship. Sounds like this is the case with your bf. She might be a mentor to him (you mentioned she is much older than he is)... Some people really need this. I know that I do. I have never found an older woman as a mentor, but have been very fortunate to have bosses that were mentors and we remained friends long after I had moved onto better opportunities.

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind that just because texting goes on for hours, it could just be a intermittent text here and there. I often have text conversations going on through out the day with various people as I work on other things. It's a bit of procrastination and socializing more than anything else.