My boyfriend has a "Friend"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From a female: This seems very odd and I get the fact that it bugs you. Can't put your finger on it but it seems wrong. Sort of like "I can't define porn but I know it when I see it". Is he infatuated with this woman, is she leading him on in some way and doesn't realize it? That volume of text could be leading him on alone. How long have you been dating, how long has he known her?

What she can't put her finger on is she is jealous and threaten of/by this other more successful woman. Happens all the time. It sounds like they are friend...dare I say in a mentor relationship? You really have to stop and think why this bugs you so much and do you really want to be that controlling to put a stop to it?

You are an idiot. Every sane person would be bothered by it. the volume itself is sufficient indictment. I would much have my DH exchange 2 flirty texts than 20000000 innocent ones.

[phone].

[Anonymous]

This thread makes me wonder if DCUM thinks I'm having a steamy affair or secretly in love with my best friend---she and I text like this and have a very different kind of relationship than the one I have with my DH. I'm bisexual, and dated several women before marrying DH, so it's plausible. But it's ridiculous. It makes me sad to think about people who think your spouse should be the only important relationship in your life.

[Anonymous]

Listen to your gut.....It exists for a good reason.

I wouldn't be too happy if my boyfriend were texting another Female that often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So just found out my boyfriend, who lives out of town, has a "Friend" who seems to be having a great deal of influence on him. It is a woman, older than him by >10yrs. Works with her so sees her everyday. Got a chance to scroll through his phone and there is an inordinate amount of text between them, and not just during work hours. Nothing in particular about the text that is inappropriate, talk of movies and TV Shows and sometime me. She never says bad thing concerning me, actually seems rather encouraging at times. These text start the second they leave work and go on through the evening and end with them saying good night. He has to be texting her at the same time he is texting me. I am just blown away by this. I can't say in particular what is wrong with this but my gut tells me something is very wrong here. I also know he is in contact with her even when he is seeing me and found text where they were in contact even when she was out with another guy. So not just text but phone calls and some other chatting in another app that I don't know the name of. Am I paranoia?

He's obviously having a serious relationship with her. Maybe a parent/child type of thing. If he doesn't want to get help to work on these issues, there's no hope for you, OP, to become his #1.

Don't waste anymore time with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me wonder if DCUM thinks I'm having a steamy affair or secretly in love with my best friend---she and I text like this and have a very different kind of relationship than the one I have with my DH. I'm bisexual, and dated several women before marrying DH, so it's plausible. But it's ridiculous. It makes me sad to think about people who think your spouse should be the only important relationship in your life.

But your relationship with your paramour should be the first priority of all relationships in your life (save for immediate family in many cases). This doesn't sound like OP is the priority at all. This other chick has the monopoly on time, communication, and thought and that isn't right.

[Anonymous]

OP - how does your boyfriend text you? Often? Send "Good morning" texts every day? Are they affectionate/sweet and does he share about his day or things/jokes that remind him of you?

If you are getting short "duty" texts and this other woman is getting the good intimate thoughts/feelings, then no wonder you're jealous. He's sharing so much with her (even if not sexual) there's really not much left for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you two exclusive? I think it is a little odd for him to be so close with his co-worker and for him to not have mention it to you.

I had thought we were exclusive. I have no reason to think we aren't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a middle aged woman whose best friend is a man who is 10 years younger than me. He is like the brother I never had. We click intellectually, politically, and creatively. But we are not intimate in any way.

I actually help him to try to find women that he likes. He desperately wants to get married and have kids. I have kids and don't want any more, ever. I really encourage him to get out there and meet nice women. He also helps me by giving me advice on men that I am dating.

Even I think it is a little odd, but I do think that we will be friends for the rest of my life. I can understand why people wouldn't understand it. We text and talk to each other daily.

I do realize, however, that if he meets a woman that he wants to marry that she may not approve of our friendship. At that point, I would step back and far away as needed.

I say all this just to point out that while it is odd, it doesn't have to be anything sexual in nature. If I were you, I'd ask if would be possible for the three of you to go out for dinner. Or ask him if it would be okay with him if you and his friend go out for dinner without him. If he is cheating or things are inappropriate, he probably wouldn't agree to either.

If you get to meet her, ask how they became close. Ask her if she has any romantic feelings toward him or whether they have had any sexual contact at any time. If she can answer all your questions, maybe you can relax a little. Trust your gut when you meet her.

Good luck. I hope it is all on the up and up.

I don't think this is that type of relationship. There is this level of intimacy without going over the line. Even if she doesn't have these thoughts, it doesn't mean he doesn't. I want to meet her though. I think that if I can see them together I will know immediately

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - how does your boyfriend text you? Often? Send "Good morning" texts every day? Are they affectionate/sweet and does he share about his day or things/jokes that remind him of you?

If you are getting short "duty" texts and this other woman is getting the good intimate thoughts/feelings, then no wonder you're jealous. He's sharing so much with her (even if not sexual) there's really not much left for you.

That is the problem, they are about the same as far as just your day to day text. On weekends she gets "mornings" just like me. I think during weekdays they don't have to cause they are on other internal system at work and they see each other all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you two exclusive? I think it is a little odd for him to be so close with his co-worker and for him to not have mention it to you.

I had thought we were exclusive. I have no reason to think we aren't

Did you actually have the talk of defining your relationship and being exclusive. Is there some way you can bring up this other person without him knowing you looked through his phone? Somehow you need to ask him about his relationship with this woman without being accusatory. Maybe you could ask him if he is close to anyone at work and see if he mentions her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you two exclusive? I think it is a little odd for him to be so close with his co-worker and for him to not have mention it to you.

I had thought we were exclusive. I have no reason to think we aren't

Did you actually have the talk of defining your relationship and being exclusive. Is there some way you can bring up this other person without him knowing you looked through his phone? Somehow you need to ask him about his relationship with this woman without being accusatory. Maybe you could ask him if he is close to anyone at work and see if he mentions her.

We have had the talk and agreed to be exclusive. Finding this was a big shock to me. I don't think they are FWB, but it is just needling at me. A PP has suggested that this is some mother/son thing, it isn't. I could see that on his face when he described her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you two exclusive? I think it is a little odd for him to be so close with his co-worker and for him to not have mention it to you.

I had thought we were exclusive. I have no reason to think we aren't

Did you actually have the talk of defining your relationship and being exclusive. Is there some way you can bring up this other person without him knowing you looked through his phone? Somehow you need to ask him about his relationship with this woman without being accusatory. Maybe you could ask him if he is close to anyone at work and see if he mentions her.

We have had the talk and agreed to be exclusive. Finding this was a big shock to me. I don't think they are FWB, but it is just needling at me. A PP has suggested that this is some mother/son thing, it isn't. I could see that on his face when he described her.

So do you think he has a crush on her or is infatuated with the attention? How did he describe her to you?

[Anonymous]

My first husband became obsessed with a woman nearly 20 years older than him. After 8 months of that, I gave up and moved out. I was no longer a priority. Then fast forward 30 years into a second marriage. As you expressed shock about finding out about this relationship on his phone, so was I shocked when I found out my husband was texting and emailing a female coworker constantly for over two years. The intimacy was with her. I did not even know he was working with her. It has taken nearly 4 years to get over this whole thing. I believe you would be better to cut things off now and focus on your child, education, and getting a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My first husband became obsessed with a woman nearly 20 years older than him. After 8 months of that, I gave up and moved out. I was no longer a priority. Then fast forward 30 years into a second marriage. As you expressed shock about finding out about this relationship on his phone, so was I shocked when I found out my husband was texting and emailing a female coworker constantly for over two years. The intimacy was with her. I did not even know he was working with her. It has taken nearly 4 years to get over this whole thing. I believe you would be better to cut things off now and focus on your child, education, and getting a job.

This is true. It can take a long time to recover, I think, because the husband in this case, probably has little understanding for the feelings this generates. Feeling unsafe, not valued, basic assumptions about the relationship questioned, trust, openness, and more, even if there wasn't actual physical cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My first husband became obsessed with a woman nearly 20 years older than him. After 8 months of that, I gave up and moved out. I was no longer a priority. Then fast forward 30 years into a second marriage. As you expressed shock about finding out about this relationship on his phone, so was I shocked when I found out my husband was texting and emailing a female coworker constantly for over two years. The intimacy was with her. I did not even know he was working with her. It has taken nearly 4 years to get over this whole thing. I believe you would be better to cut things off now and focus on your child, education, and getting a job.

Is there anything that helped in your recovery? Going through something similar. We are in counseling and it is somewhat helping but my guard is still up.