My boyfriend has a "Friend"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can certainly see why you, as his girlfriend, would be intimidated by this. However, he's been friends with her for years and you've only been in his life for a few months. I would be pretty pissed if a new boyfriend started telling me that I shouldn't be friends with my close male friends because he was concerned that our texting about work BS and Game of Thrones was a threat to our relationship.

If I wanted to text my husband about these things, I would (and do!). Doesn't change that I'm also going to talk to other people in my life that I'm close to.

I think you need to figure out what exactly bothers you so much. That he chooses to talk to her instead of you? Do you want to talk to him for 3 hours while he's driving to see you? Do you want to text him incessantly?

I know this is my own insecurities. She is educated, I am not, she is single living extremely well(saw pictures of her home), I am back living with parents with son from previous relationship, she is well traveled, I haven't been off the east coast. I ask myself why has he picked me over her and if she isn't interested now but changes her mind and snaps her fingers does he just disappear out of my life. I feel like a second fiddle, like he settled for me cause he couldn't have her.

Let me reframe this for you. You are a single mother who has prioritized your child over your own advancement. Without a coparent it's nearly impossible to go to college, or go globe hopping, or advance in a career. Parenting changes you and makes you grow in ways that no other experience does. I've been to college, Europe, have a decent job and none of that changed me as a person more than having kids. It's a giant leap in life experience. Plus, you're younger. That will always be an advantage you have over her.

To me this level of communication seems like they're best friends. Maybe he sees as her not relationship potential because of her age and level in the company so he feels comfortable being friends and asking for advice. Does he see her in person? It sounds like that would be possible but it isn't happening.

Oh yeah, tons of in person at work all day. Yes I have put my child first and that has made me have to forgo a few things in life. If I hadn't found these text I would still be blissfully enjoying this relationship with no clue of what was going on. One part of me wants to ignore it and pretend I never saw it. I am in my late 30's so not that young.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, a long distance relationship is probably very convenient for him.

He sounds like a nice guy. He also seems quite smitten with her. And she definitely prioritizes her relationship with him--maybe she has romantic feelings for him but is smart enough to know not to have a workplace fling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Unfortunately, a long distance relationship is probably very convenient for him.

He sounds like a nice guy. He also seems quite smitten with her. And she definitely prioritizes her relationship with him--maybe she has romantic feelings for him but is smart enough to know not to have a workplace fling.

Still seems sort of shitty thing to do with long distance "girlfriend". He needs to pick. He can't have both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From a female: This seems very odd and I get the fact that it bugs you. Can't put your finger on it but it seems wrong. Sort of like "I can't define porn but I know it when I see it". Is he infatuated with this woman, is she leading him on in some way and doesn't realize it? That volume of text could be leading him on alone. How long have you been dating, how long has he known her?

What she can't put her finger on is she is jealous and threaten of/by this other more successful woman. Happens all the time. It sounds like they are friend...dare I say in a mentor relationship? You really have to stop and think why this bugs you so much and do you really want to be that controlling to put a stop to it?

[Anonymous]

I don't know why the assumption is its the guy's choice. Sounds like the coworker is out of his league. Most women want a man who is equally, if not more, successful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can certainly see why you, as his girlfriend, would be intimidated by this. However, he's been friends with her for years and you've only been in his life for a few months. I would be pretty pissed if a new boyfriend started telling me that I shouldn't be friends with my close male friends because he was concerned that our texting about work BS and Game of Thrones was a threat to our relationship.

If I wanted to text my husband about these things, I would (and do!). Doesn't change that I'm also going to talk to other people in my life that I'm close to.

I think you need to figure out what exactly bothers you so much. That he chooses to talk to her instead of you? Do you want to talk to him for 3 hours while he's driving to see you? Do you want to text him incessantly?

I know this is my own insecurities. She is educated, I am not, she is single living extremely well(saw pictures of her home), I am back living with parents with son from previous relationship, she is well traveled, I haven't been off the east coast. I ask myself why has he picked me over her and if she isn't interested now but changes her mind and snaps her fingers does he just disappear out of my life. I feel like a second fiddle, like he settled for me cause he couldn't have her.

He probably won't marry you if you have a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is your long-term plan with the boyfriend? Do you both talk about the future, or is it just casual? Long-distance relationships are hard enough when there is a plan to live closer together.

Probably just sex if she has a kid and lives with parents.

[Anonymous]

Are you two exclusive? I think it is a little odd for him to be so close with his co-worker and for him to not have mention it to you.

[Anonymous]

I am a middle aged woman whose best friend is a man who is 10 years younger than me. He is like the brother I never had. We click intellectually, politically, and creatively. But we are not intimate in any way.

I actually help him to try to find women that he likes. He desperately wants to get married and have kids. I have kids and don't want any more, ever. I really encourage him to get out there and meet nice women. He also helps me by giving me advice on men that I am dating.

Even I think it is a little odd, but I do think that we will be friends for the rest of my life. I can understand why people wouldn't understand it. We text and talk to each other daily.

I do realize, however, that if he meets a woman that he wants to marry that she may not approve of our friendship. At that point, I would step back and far away as needed.

I say all this just to point out that while it is odd, it doesn't have to be anything sexual in nature. If I were you, I'd ask if would be possible for the three of you to go out for dinner. Or ask him if it would be okay with him if you and his friend go out for dinner without him. If he is cheating or things are inappropriate, he probably wouldn't agree to either.

If you get to meet her, ask how they became close. Ask her if she has any romantic feelings toward him or whether they have had any sexual contact at any time. If she can answer all your questions, maybe you can relax a little. Trust your gut when you meet her.

Good luck. I hope it is all on the up and up.

[Anonymous]

^^One thing that is a little suspicious is that he didn't tell you about her right away.

When I do date someone, I always tell them that I have a best friend who is male and 10 years younger than me. I am honest to a fault and want to make sure that I am not hiding anything from someone that I care about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a middle aged woman whose best friend is a man who is 10 years younger than me. He is like the brother I never had. We click intellectually, politically, and creatively. But we are not intimate in any way.

I actually help him to try to find women that he likes. He desperately wants to get married and have kids. I have kids and don't want any more, ever. I really encourage him to get out there and meet nice women. He also helps me by giving me advice on men that I am dating.

Even I think it is a little odd, but I do think that we will be friends for the rest of my life. I can understand why people wouldn't understand it. We text and talk to each other daily.

I do realize, however, that if he meets a woman that he wants to marry that she may not approve of our friendship. At that point, I would step back and far away as needed.

I say all this just to point out that while it is odd, it doesn't have to be anything sexual in nature. If I were you, I'd ask if would be possible for the three of you to go out for dinner. Or ask him if it would be okay with him if you and his friend go out for dinner without him. If he is cheating or things are inappropriate, he probably wouldn't agree to either.

If you get to meet her, ask how they became close. Ask her if she has any romantic feelings toward him or whether they have had any sexual contact at any time. If she can answer all your questions, maybe you can relax a little. Trust your gut when you meet her.

Good luck. I hope it is all on the up and up.

I would never ask her how they became close or any of the other questions. That's just making of a dram

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a middle aged woman whose best friend is a man who is 10 years younger than me. He is like the brother I never had. We click intellectually, politically, and creatively. But we are not intimate in any way.

I actually help him to try to find women that he likes. He desperately wants to get married and have kids. I have kids and don't want any more, ever. I really encourage him to get out there and meet nice women. He also helps me by giving me advice on men that I am dating.

Even I think it is a little odd, but I do think that we will be friends for the rest of my life. I can understand why people wouldn't understand it. We text and talk to each other daily.

I do realize, however, that if he meets a woman that he wants to marry that she may not approve of our friendship. At that point, I would step back and far away as needed.

I say all this just to point out that while it is odd, it doesn't have to be anything sexual in nature. If I were you, I'd ask if would be possible for the three of you to go out for dinner. Or ask him if it would be okay with him if you and his friend go out for dinner without him. If he is cheating or things are inappropriate, he probably wouldn't agree to either.

If you get to meet her, ask how they became close. Ask her if she has any romantic feelings toward him or whether they have had any sexual contact at any time. If she can answer all your questions, maybe you can relax a little. Trust your gut when you meet her.

Good luck. I hope it is all on the up and up.

Good God, don't do this. No matter what, she is a coworker who outranks him. This will just make the situation so much worse.

[Anonymous]

You are much younger than her you said. That alone gives you an enormous advantage. Not to be too crass but she possibly can't have biological/genetic children with him.

Also: whenever someone is single at 35+ there is a reason for it. If she were all that she would have been married a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a middle aged woman whose best friend is a man who is 10 years younger than me. He is like the brother I never had. We click intellectually, politically, and creatively. But we are not intimate in any way.

I actually help him to try to find women that he likes. He desperately wants to get married and have kids. I have kids and don't want any more, ever. I really encourage him to get out there and meet nice women. He also helps me by giving me advice on men that I am dating.

Even I think it is a little odd, but I do think that we will be friends for the rest of my life. I can understand why people wouldn't understand it. We text and talk to each other daily.

I do realize, however, that if he meets a woman that he wants to marry that she may not approve of our friendship. At that point, I would step back and far away as needed.

I say all this just to point out that while it is odd, it doesn't have to be anything sexual in nature. If I were you, I'd ask if would be possible for the three of you to go out for dinner. Or ask him if it would be okay with him if you and his friend go out for dinner without him. If he is cheating or things are inappropriate, he probably wouldn't agree to either.

If you get to meet her, ask how they became close. Ask her if she has any romantic feelings toward him or whether they have had any sexual contact at any time. If she can answer all your questions, maybe you can relax a little. Trust your gut when you meet her.

Good luck. I hope it is all on the up and up.

Yes but are you "super hot"? Somehow I get the feeling that this is one of the "aunt/grandma" type friendships where sexual tension is not an issue. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From a female: This seems very odd and I get the fact that it bugs you. Can't put your finger on it but it seems wrong. Sort of like "I can't define porn but I know it when I see it". Is he infatuated with this woman, is she leading him on in some way and doesn't realize it? That volume of text could be leading him on alone. How long have you been dating, how long has he known her?

What she can't put her finger on is she is jealous and threaten of/by this other more successful woman. Happens all the time. It sounds like they are friend...dare I say in a mentor relationship? You really have to stop and think why this bugs you so much and do you really want to be that controlling to put a stop to it?

You are an idiot. Every sane person would be bothered by it. the volume itself is sufficient indictment. I would much have my DH exchange 2 flirty texts than 20000000 innocent ones.