My boyfriend has a "Friend"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you two exclusive? I think it is a little odd for him to be so close with his co-worker and for him to not have mention it to you.

I had thought we were exclusive. I have no reason to think we aren't

Did you actually have the talk of defining your relationship and being exclusive. Is there some way you can bring up this other person without him knowing you looked through his phone? Somehow you need to ask him about his relationship with this woman without being accusatory. Maybe you could ask him if he is close to anyone at work and see if he mentions her.

We have had the talk and agreed to be exclusive. Finding this was a big shock to me. I don't think they are FWB, but it is just needling at me. A PP has suggested that this is some mother/son thing, it isn't. I could see that on his face when he described her.

So do you think he has a crush on her or is infatuated with the attention? How did he describe her to you?

I think it is an infatuation. He described her as basically hot and tall and athletic build. I honestly don't know what to think. Hard to tell if this is just one sided or if she is an active participant. I think they are communicating beyond just text. What I saw is just icing on cake.

[Anonymous]

Well, if she is responding to it then she must be getting something out of it. Maybe she is flattered. I wouldn't like it myself. He should stop talking to her if it bothers you and he is committed to your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, if she is responding to it then she must be getting something out of it. Maybe she is flattered. I wouldn't like it myself. He should stop talking to her if it bothers you and he is committed to your relationship.

That is easy in theory, I come off as a jealous and crazy if I demand he stop communicating with her. Also have to show my hand that I saw all the text. Plus how would I ever know? He could keep texting her and just delete them. Plus they are at work for 8 hrs a day chatting each other up. He does have lunch with her frequently if not daily. I need to calm down and decide what to do with this or if there is anything to do about it at all. Maybe it will die down and go away over time. You can't keep up this level of texting and whatever forever.

[Anonymous]

I hope it works out for you. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, if she is responding to it then she must be getting something out of it. Maybe she is flattered. I wouldn't like it myself. He should stop talking to her if it bothers you and he is committed to your relationship.

That is easy in theory, I come off as a jealous and crazy if I demand he stop communicating with her. Also have to show my hand that I saw all the text. Plus how would I ever know? He could keep texting her and just delete them. Plus they are at work for 8 hrs a day chatting each other up. He does have lunch with her frequently if not daily. I need to calm down and decide what to do with this or if there is anything to do about it at all. Maybe it will die down and go away over time. You can't keep up this level of texting and whatever forever.

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. good luck!

[Anonymous]

As a guy, this doesn't sound odd at all to me.

[ZachF]

I think this guy should dump you ASAP. Why are you going through his texts. Do you let him look at your texts and email whenever he wants to or is the invasion of privacy all one way.?

[Anonymous]

I just read through the whole thread and wanted to relate a story to you. I was the older woman so let me give you my perspective. Had a guy who I worked with occasionally that we got to be friends. I didn't think much of it but I later reflected back on it that it was a slow slow process that I got drawn into. It started off as just co-workers, had to email,text about stuff occasionally. Then a chat at work about whatever. Then a "oh you going to lunch, me to, lets go together". Simple enough, then talk about work leads to other talk, find out you had things in common, chat some more. Started with simple questions about work and things about the company. It was that whole slow boil of a lobster in a pot. By the time you know it you are in boiling water and it is to late. He had a girlfriend and things were a little rough at the time and I would be supportive and encourage him to do nice things for and with her. As time went on it turns out he thought I was a lot younger than I was. By then he was fully engaged and determined and I could have been in my late 60's and he wouldn't have stopped. So before I realized what was going on, and yes I was the older adult I should have known, he had an emotional attachment to me that to some extent I had encouraged or at least didn't discourage. Did I like the attention? Of course I did, did I have thoughts of it going further; of course I did. He was a young, hot guy with to much time on his hands.

So where did it end? I put my big girl undies on and did the right thing for everyone. He eventually did try something and at first I gave in, but stopped myself and him from taking to a point that we couldn't come back. It is probably the most passion I have dealt with in any relationship that I have ever been in. He was too young, he wanted things I couldn't offer and the girl friend could. Much like your situation. I saw him setting this up for him to basically get a uterus out of the girlfriend and keep me as a side piece. I am to old for that crap to do that no matter how passionate things were. I have the ability to work else where in my company so I did. Stopping the day to day interactions is what did it for me. There is no continuation of the conversation at work over text if I am not there every day. Slowly things petered out, the text stopped, the phone calls stopped and I could take a deep breath again. He became an addiction. It was nice to have all the attention morning, noon and night. I had to make the decision to do this. If I hadn't this would have ended very ugly and with a lot of hurt feelings and mostly on my part.

This was sort of a very slow seduction that at my age I should have know better to get sucked into. I was just glad I was able to extract myself. Do I think this was a master manipulator who just had evil intentions? No, I think he wanted his cake and eat it too and it was easier to find several people to fill the voids in his life instead of trying to get one person to fulfill 95%. He had a lot of interest that the girlfriend didn't really care about and he found that in me. He had tons of things in common with the girlfriend but some core things weren't being met. Problem is you can't find 100% in any person and he wanted 100% and was willing to spread it out among several people. I played a role in this and am willing to admit it. I have never discussed this whole thing with him and we occasionally still have to interact. Seeing him is hard and he greets me like a long lost friend/love when we do see each other. At first, after seeing him at meeting or whatever, he would start texting again and I would have to either ignore or give reason I wasn't able to respond. I would hear the sucking void trying to lure me back in. He stayed with his girlfriend, she moved in. She never knew about me as far as I know.

I guess I am saying that if you want this to end you have to figure out the why? You can't tell him you read his text, but you need to figure out what is the draw to this person. I believe that I wasn't that special and that we just clicked over some interest and things got spun up. I am not a bad looking woman and I don't really look my age so that didn't help. You indicated that this woman may be the same thing. My biggest issue is I don't think the age thing mattered. He could have easily behaved the same way with anyone else and for all I know he may have found a replacement for me.

Hope everything works out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a guy, this doesn't sound odd at all to me.

Here you go, OP. Proof you should worry.

You are hiding your head in the sand. If they have not had an intimate relationship (love that term), they are driving down that road. He described her as "hot". Please. Pull your head along with your dignity up out of the sand and confront him. What he's doing is NOT normal for someone in a healthy relationship. We all have friends, even minor flirtations, but texting for hours, three-hour phone calls, saying goodnight to each other via text, eating lunch together every day -- these are red flags!! Danger, danger!!

Confront him. Tell him you saw the texts on his phone. Get yourself checked for STDs, OP. His relationship with her is not "just a friend."

What does she get out of it? She's older, flattered that a young guy finds her attractive. She knows he thinks she's fit, hot, sexy. She probably thinks she can take up with him when he comes to his senses and dumps you. He's clearly more interested in her than he is in you.

Also, what she's doing is a form of sexual harassment. She's setting herself up for a lawsuit, if things don't work out so well with your boyfriend. He can sue her. She's abusing her position. Remember that, OP. This woman is taking a BIG risk. She has the hots for your boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a guy, this doesn't sound odd at all to me.

Can you elaborate? You don't think the volume of text is odd, the level of intimacy they have and the chronic need to always be in contact is odd?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guy, this doesn't sound odd at all to me.

Here you go, OP. Proof you should worry.

You are hiding your head in the sand. If they have not had an intimate relationship (love that term), they are driving down that road. He described her as "hot". Please. Pull your head along with your dignity up out of the sand and confront him. What he's doing is NOT normal for someone in a healthy relationship. We all have friends, even minor flirtations, but texting for hours, three-hour phone calls, saying goodnight to each other via text, eating lunch together every day -- these are red flags!! Danger, danger!!

Confront him. Tell him you saw the texts on his phone. Get yourself checked for STDs, OP. His relationship with her is not "just a friend."

What does she get out of it? She's older, flattered that a young guy finds her attractive. She knows he thinks she's fit, hot, sexy. She probably thinks she can take up with him when he comes to his senses and dumps you. He's clearly more interested in her than he is in you.

Also, what she's doing is a form of sexual harassment. She's setting herself up for a lawsuit, if things don't work out so well with your boyfriend. He can sue her. She's abusing her position. Remember that, OP. This woman is taking a BIG risk. She has the hots for your boyfriend.

Thanks for the advice. I think head in sand is issue. Not an HR issue though. She isn't in his chain of bosses and in completely different aspect of the company. They are basically peers but she has been there longer and in higher position.

[Anonymous]

15:28. Did you get physical? And it really doesn't sound over, especially since he continues to reach out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:28. Did you get physical? And it really doesn't sound over, especially since he continues to reach out.

Just kissing, nothing else. He only reaches out if we run into each other and it is easy to manage and he stops after a few days.

[Anonymous]

15:28 is an excellent post and 15:29 said what I was going to say --Red Flags !!!! 15:28, you have explained everything very very well---it's the slow addiction that creeps up. It happened to my husband, a very slow process that ended up with him addicted to a female coworker. It took many months to stop because he had to work with her every day.
The OP should think about trying to break it off and maybe date someone in her local area.

[Anonymous]

If he's texting *other* people along with you and this friend, NBD. Otherwise, I can see how this friendship lowers both his (and this friend's!) chance at a real relationship.

When do you plan on moving closer (or vice-versa) to your boyfriend, or do you just like the status of being in a relationship without having to put in any of the day-to-day work?