Looking for constructive feedback from low libido partners

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the LL spouse and here is my problem. Usually we have limited time for sex, it is late at night, we are both tired, and DH will kiss me for like one minute and then try to rush me into sex. Or he wants me to go oral first since he needs time to recover in order to have intercourse. Not happening. After one minute of half-hearted kissing I'm not going down for a BJ. Sory. It makes me feel like he doesn't really want ME, he just wants a warm body to get off in. He never compliments me on anything - my appearance, my parenting, the shit ton of things I do for my family including bringing home 2/3 of the income or support him in going to grad school, and I generally don't feel like I am ever actually SEEN. Life is busy and we don't have time to connect. I try to initiate a meaningful conversation about something - anything - and it seems like I am annoying him. Libido is as much in the head as anything, and if we're not connecting and I don't feel like he's into me as a person anymore, I'm not really raging to have sex.

And yeah, if you are going to turn her down when she DOES offer well, that's on you, buddy.

ex-LL partner here, same story. or at least your story resonates a lot. My otherwise very kind long term (7 years) boyfriend was not good at putting me in the mood. He wanted both of us to be interested in having wild sex at 11pm every night but with nothing to get me mentally in the mood: I needed attention, a look of love and desire in his eyes, a great discussion to connect, a lot of physical non-sexual touching first. I needed the emotional connection. He would stay in his post work bubble, barely talking until we get to bed and then he thought physical foreplay would warm me up. But even though he was very dedicated in going down on me first or touching me, it wasn't really working. As PP said, his demand for sex didn't feel like it was about me, he wanted sex, not me, and that was NOT a turn on at all. I actually preferred a rough quickie to be honest (that I would end up enjoying in fact). We ended up separating because of this: he was generally unhappy with what he perceived as lack of love from me, and he cheated on me (which I felt I deserved given how frustrated he was) and I was exhausted by his demands for sex and the continuous pressure I felt, while I was dissatisfied by our level of emotional/intellectual connection. Classic..


And now.. I am happily married with 2 young kids but a LL DH.. And I am the one sexually frustrated. Kharma is a bitch

As you asked for advice, here is what I would have needed from my ex-boyfriend, had we stayed together.
- A frank discussion with a plan/clear goals to find a middle ground between what she wants (once a month), and what you want (once a day). Outside of holidays I would personally go for once a week minimum, twice a week max given workload and kids. But to each his own.
- An effort to laugh about this. Sex should be fun and relaxed. Pressure kills everything. That's also why so many women end up hating when their husband try to get them in the mood with a back rub, they can feel the pressure to have sex, as many have said it is hard to reach the point when you truly believe your DH is not doing that just to get you to have sex with him.
- trial period of 2 months, as an "exercise": we have agreed on a once or twice a week objective and we have different exercises:
1- His exercise is to woe me again, he has to find the time twice a week to talk to me, touch me, have a real diner time conversation with a glass of wine, the whole thing with the expressed understanding that there will be no sex afterwards, even if we both want to, forbidden.
2- On my side, I get to pick 2 nights when I will decide to have sex with him, and I have to initiate it. Knowing when and planning for it helps me overcome the tiredness, mental fog and also helps me get ready physically (take a warm shower, being properly groomed, feeling sexy).
The idea is to recreate good habits and break the vicious circle where she feels only the pressure, you feel only the rejection. I would assess regularly how it is going. The goal is not that after one or 2 months she is the only one choosing when to have sex, but that you come both of you to know better what your natural rhythm as a couple could be.

This would have worked for me because I would be dedicated at initiating sex and would play my role well (faking it well if needed, not a problem for me as I eventually get in the mood, it is the beginning that is fake..)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and the lower libido spouse in my relationship. I do think your wife should be making more of an effort - just lying there during sex is not cool. I found that once my husband and I got into a groove of more sex (twice a week), that I started wanting it more. It's getting over the initial hurdle that's tough. What worked for us was my husband offering lots of physical affection but upfront saying that he wasn't looking for sex. That took the pressure off and let me relax, which ultimately led me to want to have sex. But you have to be completely genuine that you're not looking for sex at that moment. Here's what worked for us:

- DH giving full body massage. I had to get naked but he didn't want sex. Just wanted to give me a good massage and get to touch my body. Win-win. Most times, after being touched while naked and completely relaxed, I was begging him for sex.

- DH saying he just wanted to make out a bit. It was fun to feel like teenagers just kissing. But of course, that does awaken things.

The key is to truly convince her that you're not just trying to get sex though. Hope this helps!

This is soooo stupid!
You only want sex if your H can pretend he doesn't want sex?
Because if he DOES want sex, then you WON'T want sex?

Why not just let him go out and get laid with a normal woman who prefers having sex with a guy who also wants sex?

I am not a woman, but I think what she is saying is that (some, many) women need to feel loved and appreciated for who they are to be willing to have sex. Which is normal.

Although, from the male perspective, its both hard to understand and really depressing that the best you are ever going to do in the married sex department is to have your wife willing to have sex with you. Especially when you can fondly remember the days when your wife was actually really wanting to have sex.

Sigh.

I just posted (the one who is now married to LL DH) but I second the advice given by first and third PP here. It is the feeling of being appreciated, loved, of feeling connected that eventually gets me in the mood. If there is history of frustration and I know my partner is only doing this to get me in the mood it doesn't ring true and doesn't work.. That's why you need to break the vicious circle first, get trust back that you really want the emotional connection too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the LL spouse and here is my problem. Usually we have limited time for sex, it is late at night, we are both tired, and DH will kiss me for like one minute and then try to rush me into sex. Or he wants me to go oral first since he needs time to recover in order to have intercourse. Not happening. After one minute of half-hearted kissing I'm not going down for a BJ. Sory. It makes me feel like he doesn't really want ME, he just wants a warm body to get off in. He never compliments me on anything - my appearance, my parenting, the shit ton of things I do for my family including bringing home 2/3 of the income or support him in going to grad school, and I generally don't feel like I am ever actually SEEN. Life is busy and we don't have time to connect. I try to initiate a meaningful conversation about something - anything - and it seems like I am annoying him. Libido is as much in the head as anything, and if we're not connecting and I don't feel like he's into me as a person anymore, I'm not really raging to have sex.

And yeah, if you are going to turn her down when she DOES offer well, that's on you, buddy.

ex-LL partner here, same story. or at least your story resonates a lot. My otherwise very kind long term (7 years) boyfriend was not good at putting me in the mood. He wanted both of us to be interested in having wild sex at 11pm every night but with nothing to get me mentally in the mood: I needed attention, a look of love and desire in his eyes, a great discussion to connect, a lot of physical non-sexual touching first. I needed the emotional connection. He would stay in his post work bubble, barely talking until we get to bed and then he thought physical foreplay would warm me up. But even though he was very dedicated in going down on me first or touching me, it wasn't really working. As PP said, his demand for sex didn't feel like it was about me, he wanted sex, not me, and that was NOT a turn on at all. I actually preferred a rough quickie to be honest (that I would end up enjoying in fact). We ended up separating because of this: he was generally unhappy with what he perceived as lack of love from me, and he cheated on me (which I felt I deserved given how frustrated he was) and I was exhausted by his demands for sex and the continuous pressure I felt, while I was dissatisfied by our level of emotional/intellectual connection. Classic..


And now.. I am happily married with 2 young kids but a LL DH.. And I am the one sexually frustrated. Kharma is a bitch

As you asked for advice, here is what I would have needed from my ex-boyfriend, had we stayed together.
- A frank discussion with a plan/clear goals to find a middle ground between what she wants (once a month), and what you want (once a day). Outside of holidays I would personally go for once a week minimum, twice a week max given workload and kids. But to each his own.
- An effort to laugh about this. Sex should be fun and relaxed. Pressure kills everything. That's also why so many women end up hating when their husband try to get them in the mood with a back rub, they can feel the pressure to have sex, as many have said it is hard to reach the point when you truly believe your DH is not doing that just to get you to have sex with him.
- trial period of 2 months, as an "exercise": we have agreed on a once or twice a week objective and we have different exercises:
1- His exercise is to woe me again, he has to find the time twice a week to talk to me, touch me, have a real diner time conversation with a glass of wine, the whole thing with the expressed understanding that there will be no sex afterwards, even if we both want to, forbidden.
2- On my side, I get to pick 2 nights when I will decide to have sex with him, and I have to initiate it. Knowing when and planning for it helps me overcome the tiredness, mental fog and also helps me get ready physically (take a warm shower, being properly groomed, feeling sexy).
The idea is to recreate good habits and break the vicious circle where she feels only the pressure, you feel only the rejection. I would assess regularly how it is going. The goal is not that after one or 2 months she is the only one choosing when to have sex, but that you come both of you to know better what your natural rhythm as a couple could be.

This would have worked for me because I would be dedicated at initiating sex and would play my role well (faking it well if needed, not a problem for me as I eventually get in the mood, it is the beginning that is fake..)

One thing I want to add to my own post: this would work for me only if I set myself clear goals too. My partner tried to stop asking for sex to see if I would initiate instead (as I was complaining he was asking too much). But as I didn't know it was a test I thought it was just a succession of lucky days when I could relax and sleep so I would enjoy them thinking it would end soon with new demands for sex.. had I known he thought of it as a fair deal, I would have made the efforts of initiating as he was hoping

[Anonymous]

another, related-ish post:

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/494813.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
One thing I want to add to my own post: this would work for me only if I set myself clear goals too. My partner tried to stop asking for sex to see if I would initiate instead (as I was complaining he was asking too much). But as I didn't know it was a test I thought it was just a succession of lucky days when I could relax and sleep so I would enjoy them thinking it would end soon with new demands for sex.. had I known he thought of it as a fair deal, I would have made the efforts of initiating as he was hoping

Wow this is just incredibly sad to read.

How does this sound to you: I didn't realize my wife had stopped telling me about her day, just to see if I would initiate this line of conversation, as I had been telling her that she has a far greater need for this type of communication than do I. But I didn't know it was a test, so I just thought I was getting lucky, but soon it would end and I would hear another tale of gossip about her office co-worker.

[Anonymous]

As much as I am extremely heartbroken that I am in this situation, the alternative of cheating or divorce aren't appealing to me, not with my kids at this age.

OP, you said the above. IOW, you're willing to go through the motions of having a marriage (not have precisely the perfect marriage you want) because you don't want the effect of a divorce on your kids and/or your relationship with them. So, you're willing to accept something less than ideal? Have you considered that your low libido wife knows that your married sex life is less than ideal, that she wishes her drive were higher, that she wishes you were happier, but that she does indeed love you enough that she will have sex with you (albeit, only sometimes) even when she doesn't want to, even offering quickies, even if only to try to make you happy, because being with you and loving you does make her happy? Yet, you now want to turn her down when she's trying because she isn't offering the ideal sex? Can't you see that you would be doing the exact thing you're accusing her of currently doing, but somehow thinking you're better than she is?

It's not ideal, but if you really love her, maybe try to work on this together and take the long view of it being a process, not something that will be magically fixed by punishing her when she doesn't do things exactly the way you want. It sets her up to feel like she can't ever do it right for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here - I really appreciate your thoughts. Two questions to you or anyone else with similar perspectives:

1) would the advice upstream help, i.e. doing physical things without the expectation of sex - kissing, massages, etc? Or would that make you feel even more touched out?
2) I know that feeling of feeling restless and insomniac without sexual release. Sometimes I want to be very frank when the children go to bed and just say to my wife - "I am going to the bedroom to masturbate for 20 minutes so I can relax and actually talk to you without stewing in frustration - but I don't want you to feel the need to join." Is that type of message to crude or direct?



Look, if you think this is okay to say, your marriage is not having trouble because of LL issues. It's having trouble because you are communicating resentfully and childishly.

If you need to masturbate to act normally and not "stew", that's cool -- go take care of yourself. I don't know why you'd need to inform your wife other than to lash out in an underhanded way and emphasize that she's not pleasuring you on par with your expectations. After you masturbate, come back and give her a massage and go to sleep. Do this a few times and I'll bet the pressure will be gone and she'll start responding on her own. And when she does, you'll last a long time since you just let off some steam. This works really well for DH and me.

You are pretty clueless and it only works well for you, not your Dh. PP do not bend over backwards for this person..that means no messages or foot rubs...none of that stuff. When she tries to talk to you about the bad day she has had or wants a hug...say no you are too tired, maybe if she gave you a massage you might listen to her. At this point you are roommates raising kids together. You should tell her how you feel and what you do to cope. Do not expect her to care.

[Anonymous]

Articles to skim:

http://www.prevention.com/sex/better-sex/treatments-low-libido-and-lack-sex-drive

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/divorce-busting/201001/9-tips-the-partner-higher-sex-drive

http://greatist.com/grow/libido-concerns-treatment

http://www.prevention.com/sex/better-sex/sex-education-women-have-options-low-libido

http://www.sexualityandu.ca/health-care-professionals/sexual-dysfunction/management-of-low-libido-female

http://member.aarp.org/home-family/sex-intimacy/info-06-2012/steps-to-resolve-sexual-desire-differences.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here - I really appreciate your thoughts. Two questions to you or anyone else with similar perspectives:

1) would the advice upstream help, i.e. doing physical things without the expectation of sex - kissing, massages, etc? Or would that make you feel even more touched out?
2) I know that feeling of feeling restless and insomniac without sexual release. Sometimes I want to be very frank when the children go to bed and just say to my wife - "I am going to the bedroom to masturbate for 20 minutes so I can relax and actually talk to you without stewing in frustration - but I don't want you to feel the need to join." Is that type of message to crude or direct?



Look, if you think this is okay to say, your marriage is not having trouble because of LL issues. It's having trouble because you are communicating resentfully and childishly.

If you need to masturbate to act normally and not "stew", that's cool -- go take care of yourself. I don't know why you'd need to inform your wife other than to lash out in an underhanded way and emphasize that she's not pleasuring you on par with your expectations. After you masturbate, come back and give her a massage and go to sleep. Do this a few times and I'll bet the pressure will be gone and she'll start responding on her own. And when she does, you'll last a long time since you just let off some steam. This works really well for DH and me.

You are pretty clueless and it only works well for you, not your Dh. PP do not bend over backwards for this person..that means no messages or foot rubs...none of that stuff. When she tries to talk to you about the bad day she has had or wants a hug...say no you are too tired, maybe if she gave you a massage you might listen to her. At this point you are roommates raising kids together. You should tell her how you feel and what you do to cope. Do not expect her to care.

Sucks, but true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

As much as I am extremely heartbroken that I am in this situation, the alternative of cheating or divorce aren't appealing to me, not with my kids at this age.

OP, you said the above. IOW, you're willing to go through the motions of having a marriage (not have precisely the perfect marriage you want) because you don't want the effect of a divorce on your kids and/or your relationship with them. So, you're willing to accept something less than ideal? Have you considered that your low libido wife knows that your married sex life is less than ideal, that she wishes her drive were higher, that she wishes you were happier, but that she does indeed love you enough that she will have sex with you (albeit, only sometimes) even when she doesn't want to, even offering quickies, even if only to try to make you happy, because being with you and loving you does make her happy? Yet, you now want to turn her down when she's trying because she isn't offering the ideal sex? Can't you see that you would be doing the exact thing you're accusing her of currently doing, but somehow thinking you're better than she is?

It's not ideal, but if you really love her, maybe try to work on this together and take the long view of it being a process, not something that will be magically fixed by punishing her when she doesn't do things exactly the way you want. It sets her up to feel like she can't ever do it right for you.

I always assumed that refusing the charity sex was doing my low libido DW a favor. Would you really feel rejected if your high drive DH turned your offer for a BJ down when he knew you weren't in the mood? You wouldn't feel relieved he wasn't bothering you for sex when you'd rather be relaxing?

Thanks for your interesting perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the LL spouse and here is my problem. Usually we have limited time for sex, it is late at night, we are both tired, and DH will kiss me for like one minute and then try to rush me into sex. Or he wants me to go oral first since he needs time to recover in order to have intercourse. Not happening. After one minute of half-hearted kissing I'm not going down for a BJ. Sory. It makes me feel like he doesn't really want ME, he just wants a warm body to get off in. He never compliments me on anything - my appearance, my parenting, the shit ton of things I do for my family including bringing home 2/3 of the income or support him in going to grad school, and I generally don't feel like I am ever actually SEEN. Life is busy and we don't have time to connect. I try to initiate a meaningful conversation about something - anything - and it seems like I am annoying him. Libido is as much in the head as anything, and if we're not connecting and I don't feel like he's into me as a person anymore, I'm not really raging to have sex.

And yeah, if you are going to turn her down when she DOES offer well, that's on you, buddy.

ex-LL partner here, same story. or at least your story resonates a lot. My otherwise very kind long term (7 years) boyfriend was not good at putting me in the mood. He wanted both of us to be interested in having wild sex at 11pm every night but with nothing to get me mentally in the mood: I needed attention, a look of love and desire in his eyes, a great discussion to connect, a lot of physical non-sexual touching first. I needed the emotional connection. He would stay in his post work bubble, barely talking until we get to bed and then he thought physical foreplay would warm me up. But even though he was very dedicated in going down on me first or touching me, it wasn't really working. As PP said, his demand for sex didn't feel like it was about me, he wanted sex, not me, and that was NOT a turn on at all. I actually preferred a rough quickie to be honest (that I would end up enjoying in fact). We ended up separating because of this: he was generally unhappy with what he perceived as lack of love from me, and he cheated on me (which I felt I deserved given how frustrated he was) and I was exhausted by his demands for sex and the continuous pressure I felt, while I was dissatisfied by our level of emotional/intellectual connection. Classic..


And now.. I am happily married with 2 young kids but a LL DH.. And I am the one sexually frustrated. Kharma is a bitch

As you asked for advice, here is what I would have needed from my ex-boyfriend, had we stayed together.
- A frank discussion with a plan/clear goals to find a middle ground between what she wants (once a month), and what you want (once a day). Outside of holidays I would personally go for once a week minimum, twice a week max given workload and kids. But to each his own.
- An effort to laugh about this. Sex should be fun and relaxed. Pressure kills everything. That's also why so many women end up hating when their husband try to get them in the mood with a back rub, they can feel the pressure to have sex, as many have said it is hard to reach the point when you truly believe your DH is not doing that just to get you to have sex with him.
- trial period of 2 months, as an "exercise": we have agreed on a once or twice a week objective and we have different exercises:
1- His exercise is to woe me again, he has to find the time twice a week to talk to me, touch me, have a real diner time conversation with a glass of wine, the whole thing with the expressed understanding that there will be no sex afterwards, even if we both want to, forbidden.
2- On my side, I get to pick 2 nights when I will decide to have sex with him, and I have to initiate it. Knowing when and planning for it helps me overcome the tiredness, mental fog and also helps me get ready physically (take a warm shower, being properly groomed, feeling sexy).
The idea is to recreate good habits and break the vicious circle where she feels only the pressure, you feel only the rejection. I would assess regularly how it is going. The goal is not that after one or 2 months she is the only one choosing when to have sex, but that you come both of you to know better what your natural rhythm as a couple could be.

This would have worked for me because I would be dedicated at initiating sex and would play my role well (faking it well if needed, not a problem for me as I eventually get in the mood, it is the beginning that is fake..)

One thing I want to add to my own post: this would work for me only if I set myself clear goals too. My partner tried to stop asking for sex to see if I would initiate instead (as I was complaining he was asking too much). But as I didn't know it was a test I thought it was just a succession of lucky days when I could relax and sleep so I would enjoy them thinking it would end soon with new demands for sex.. had I known he thought of it as a fair deal, I would have made the efforts of initiating as he was hoping

As a DH who knows his DW has little to no interest in sex with him, this is one of the saddest fucking things I've ever read. If my DW said this to me I'd make sure she never had any "new demands for sex" from me ever again. Every day henceforth would be nothing but "a succession of lucky days" for her.