Looking for constructive feedback from low libido partners

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know so excuse me if this seems to be a dumb question. If you have low libido are not able to perform other sexual task besides intercourse.

No and I'm working on increasing that too. But, DH knows that I don't get off on performing those tasks so it is something he "puts up with." Kind of cuts into the motivation level.

I'm sorry, but I don't understand what you are trying to say. Did you mean BJ and HJ are acts YOU "put up with"?

Btw, would you want DH to perform oral sex on you on a night when he doesn't expect sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try helping around the house a bit - do some chores without being asked, do some of your spouse's chores, help kids with homework or music lessons, come home early to help out around the house, fix something your spouse has been asking you to fix or you know needs fixing... I know if feel a lot more libidinous if I am feeling respected by a family that chips in without me asking.

People say this all the time but I don't know if it's true in all cases. I'm the LL spouse and, like a PP said, this is a situation that becomes a pressure cooker. Taking the pressure off is helpful. My DH doesn't like to settle for just "any sex." Like OP, he wants mutual satisfaction all the time. Well, that's just not going to happen. I've asked and asked if he could just have a quickie every now and then to fulfill his needs and ensure that he knows that I love him (I don't just lay there but it's obvious I don't cum). He can't stand it. He wants us both to have luxurious sex whenever we do it. Since I can't fulfill that need, it becomes a problem. Him unloading the dishwasher isn't going to help.

Sometimes I get upset that it's always seemingly my fault. Like I'm somehow to blame because I have a lower libido than he does. That adds to the resentment because, even though he tries not to bug me all the time, he is obviously frustrated. There is a lot of heavy sighing and flipping in the covers when he realizes that I'm falling asleep or too amped up about something else to have sex that night. He suffers from insomnia when he is sexually frustrated so I offer (and offer and offer) to have sex but unless I'm up for anything and everything, he declines and stays frustrated. To say it's a pressure cooker may even be an understatement. But, I just can't love to have sex at the same rate he does.


All this to say: I'm sorry OP. You could be my DH for all I know. Even down to the 5 year old kid. Your wife loves you, which is why she offers to have sex with you. She knows you need it and she's doing her best to fulfill your needs. By releasing any of the tension in the room, you're trying to fulfill hers. If I had the magic bullet, I'd use it, but honestly, both partners have to meet in the middle. I think that means quickies, when offered, should be taken advantage of and, to some extent, appreciated. I can't condone just lying there but know she's trying...

OP here - I really appreciate your thoughts. Two questions to you or anyone else with similar perspectives:

1) would the advice upstream help, i.e. doing physical things without the expectation of sex - kissing, massages, etc? Or would that make you feel even more touched out?
2) I know that feeling of feeling restless and insomniac without sexual release. Sometimes I want to be very frank when the children go to bed and just say to my wife - "I am going to the bedroom to masturbate for 20 minutes so I can relax and actually talk to you without stewing in frustration - but I don't want you to feel the need to join." Is that type of message to crude or direct?

I'm the PP you quoted.

1) DH and I do this sometimes. He will give me great foot rubs and massages, but we've not gotten to the point where it is completely, 100% free of sexual expectations. He can say that he doesn't expect sex but the way he touches me says otherwise. Perhaps if we got to the point where I could absolutely trust that he didn't hold out some sort of hope that such physical intimacy would lead to sex, then it could release the tension. But, really, I enjoy the massages but I get frustrated and resentful the minute his hands fly up (or down) to locations that presume I'm ready to move forward. As far as being more touched out, I will flat-out refuse a massage sometimes when I've had a particularly crappy day and just want time to myself. Again, maybe it would be different if all the expectations were gone, we just haven't gotten there yet. Frankly, I don't know that he has it in him to completely let go of the hope. The PP upstream mentioned that the massages ultimately get her in the mood. My DH rushes things and everyone ends up a little resentful instead.

2) Please don't tell me when you're masturbating. Just go do it. Come up with a pretense of a shower or something. Or, even better, mention to me that you'd be willing to take me up on my offer from the morning for a quickie. I could get there. I could do that and, knowing that you wanted it, might make things progress further. Plus, the quickie is easier for me to do than a BJ. At least there is a hope of mutual satisfaction.

[Anonymous]

Can't SHE masturbate you? Wouldn't that be the middle ground?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know so excuse me if this seems to be a dumb question. If you have low libido are not able to perform other sexual task besides intercourse.

No and I'm working on increasing that too. But, DH knows that I don't get off on performing those tasks so it is something he "puts up with." Kind of cuts into the motivation level.

I'm sorry, but I don't understand what you are trying to say. Did you mean BJ and HJ are acts YOU "put up with"?

Btw, would you want DH to perform oral sex on you on a night when he doesn't expect sex?

I mean he doesn't like the way I perform those acts because he knows I don't get off on performing them. He "puts up with" my less than completely enthusiastic performance, I suppose.

Oral sex will always lead to sex for me...but, honestly, there are some days I just want to be left alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't SHE masturbate you? Wouldn't that be the middle ground?

Yes, OP, let her do this! If she offers to and you accept, don't act frustrated with how she's doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try helping around the house a bit - do some chores without being asked, do some of your spouse's chores, help kids with homework or music lessons, come home early to help out around the house, fix something your spouse has been asking you to fix or you know needs fixing... I know if feel a lot more libidinous if I am feeling respected by a family that chips in without me asking.

People say this all the time but I don't know if it's true in all cases. I'm the LL spouse and, like a PP said, this is a situation that becomes a pressure cooker. Taking the pressure off is helpful. My DH doesn't like to settle for just "any sex." Like OP, he wants mutual satisfaction all the time. Well, that's just not going to happen. I've asked and asked if he could just have a quickie every now and then to fulfill his needs and ensure that he knows that I love him (I don't just lay there but it's obvious I don't cum). He can't stand it. He wants us both to have luxurious sex whenever we do it. Since I can't fulfill that need, it becomes a problem. Him unloading the dishwasher isn't going to help.

Sometimes I get upset that it's always seemingly my fault. Like I'm somehow to blame because I have a lower libido than he does. That adds to the resentment because, even though he tries not to bug me all the time, he is obviously frustrated. There is a lot of heavy sighing and flipping in the covers when he realizes that I'm falling asleep or too amped up about something else to have sex that night. He suffers from insomnia when he is sexually frustrated so I offer (and offer and offer) to have sex but unless I'm up for anything and everything, he declines and stays frustrated. To say it's a pressure cooker may even be an understatement. But, I just can't love to have sex at the same rate he does.


All this to say: I'm sorry OP. You could be my DH for all I know. Even down to the 5 year old kid. Your wife loves you, which is why she offers to have sex with you. She knows you need it and she's doing her best to fulfill your needs. By releasing any of the tension in the room, you're trying to fulfill hers. If I had the magic bullet, I'd use it, but honestly, both partners have to meet in the middle. I think that means quickies, when offered, should be taken advantage of and, to some extent, appreciated. I can't condone just lying there but know she's trying...

I'm a DW who can't orgasm every time. Would you be open to more sex if you knew you could orgasm? Would you be okay with sex toys? Can you get yourself off? Would mutual masturbation ever be on the table? These are questions for you and others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't SHE masturbate you? Wouldn't that be the middle ground?

Yes, OP, let her do this! If she offers to and you accept, don't act frustrated with how she's doing it.

This is brilliant. Could she be naked, too? Or maybe you could close your eyes and imagine she's digging it? Would you let you videotape one of the once per month good sex sessions and you could watch it while she jerks you off, gives you a BJ or you two have sex?

LL wives, would you be okay with that (assuming it's old school and not going to be leaked online)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here - I really appreciate your thoughts. Two questions to you or anyone else with similar perspectives:

1) would the advice upstream help, i.e. doing physical things without the expectation of sex - kissing, massages, etc? Or would that make you feel even more touched out?
2) I know that feeling of feeling restless and insomniac without sexual release. Sometimes I want to be very frank when the children go to bed and just say to my wife - "I am going to the bedroom to masturbate for 20 minutes so I can relax and actually talk to you without stewing in frustration - but I don't want you to feel the need to join." Is that type of message to crude or direct?

Look, if you think this is okay to say, your marriage is not having trouble because of LL issues. It's having trouble because you are communicating resentfully and childishly.

If you need to masturbate to act normally and not "stew", that's cool -- go take care of yourself. I don't know why you'd need to inform your wife other than to lash out in an underhanded way and emphasize that she's not pleasuring you on par with your expectations. After you masturbate, come back and give her a massage and go to sleep. Do this a few times and I'll bet the pressure will be gone and she'll start responding on her own. And when she does, you'll last a long time since you just let off some steam. This works really well for DH and me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know so excuse me if this seems to be a dumb question. If you have low libido are not able to perform other sexual task besides intercourse.

No and I'm working on increasing that too. But, DH knows that I don't get off on performing those tasks so it is something he "puts up with." Kind of cuts into the motivation level.

I'm sorry, but I don't understand what you are trying to say. Did you mean BJ and HJ are acts YOU "put up with"?

Btw, would you want DH to perform oral sex on you on a night when he doesn't expect sex?

I mean he doesn't like the way I perform those acts because he knows I don't get off on performing them. He "puts up with" my less than completely enthusiastic performance, I suppose.

Oral sex will always lead to sex for me...but, honestly, there are some days I just want to be left alone.

Not the OP, but trying to understand.

Say OP wants sex twice a day. Wife wants sex once a month. How far in the middle are you or any other LL spouse willing to go?

I get that you wouldn't want to schedule sex b/c you can't predict when you'll have one of those days when you want to be left alone. Could you guys develop a vocabulary on where you're at? A way of taking a temperature.

You:
1. not in the mood. don't you fucking dare touch me
3. I'd love an asexual footrub
5. I'd totally jack you off
6. Please let's have a quickie, I'll try to not look like a dead fish and I can look a little sexy so it doesn't feel like you're ***ing me (not trying to trigger anyone. I'm a DW)
8. Let's have sex and maybe it'll be okay to good.
10. I'm ready to rock it and this'll be once a month amazing sex

Him:
1. I'm totally fine. I can masturbate in private and you won't even know
3. Would you like an asexual footrub? Then, I'll go masturbate privately and you won't know.
5. I'd really appreciate it if you could at least jack me off or watch me while I jack off or show me a boob or grab my cock and say go fuck yourself in a playful, sexy way
6. I'll initiate a quickie and accept how it goes. If you initiate a quickie, I'll be game and I'll try to accept the dead fish posture and lack of smile
8. Let's have the once a week or so sex and maybe it'll be good, but my expectations are realistic and I won't push for mutual pleasure.
10. I might fuck the barista in my office building b/c I'm so profoundly unhappy and want to fuck anyone other than your complacent ass

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here - I really appreciate your thoughts. Two questions to you or anyone else with similar perspectives:

1) would the advice upstream help, i.e. doing physical things without the expectation of sex - kissing, massages, etc? Or would that make you feel even more touched out?
2) I know that feeling of feeling restless and insomniac without sexual release. Sometimes I want to be very frank when the children go to bed and just say to my wife - "I am going to the bedroom to masturbate for 20 minutes so I can relax and actually talk to you without stewing in frustration - but I don't want you to feel the need to join." Is that type of message to crude or direct?

Look, if you think this is okay to say, your marriage is not having trouble because of LL issues. It's having trouble because you are communicating resentfully and childishly.

If you need to masturbate to act normally and not "stew", that's cool -- go take care of yourself. I don't know why you'd need to inform your wife other than to lash out in an underhanded way and emphasize that she's not pleasuring you on par with your expectations. After you masturbate, come back and give her a massage and go to sleep. Do this a few times and I'll bet the pressure will be gone and she'll start responding on her own. And when she does, you'll last a long time since you just let off some steam. This works really well for DH and me.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and the lower libido spouse in my relationship. I do think your wife should be making more of an effort - just lying there during sex is not cool. I found that once my husband and I got into a groove of more sex (twice a week), that I started wanting it more. It's getting over the initial hurdle that's tough. What worked for us was my husband offering lots of physical affection but upfront saying that he wasn't looking for sex. That took the pressure off and let me relax, which ultimately led me to want to have sex. But you have to be completely genuine that you're not looking for sex at that moment. Here's what worked for us:

- DH giving full body massage. I had to get naked but he didn't want sex. Just wanted to give me a good massage and get to touch my body. Win-win. Most times, after being touched while naked and completely relaxed, I was begging him for sex.

- DH saying he just wanted to make out a bit. It was fun to feel like teenagers just kissing. But of course, that does awaken things.

The key is to truly convince her that you're not just trying to get sex though. Hope this helps!

This is excellent advice.

Another low libido partner here and I want to +100 the above as well. For me, part of the problem is a lack of overall physical intimacy and affection, so anytime my partner touches me it's because he wants to have sex. There's no more playful kissing or hugging or making out, etc. I'm supposed to just be "on" like he is. The foreplay before actual sex is fine but for me, that foreplay needs to be scattered throughout our lives in a way, if that makes sense.

Good luck, hope you guys figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lower libido wife here -- really sorry you're in this situation, OP. It is tough, all the way around, and there may be no way to express what you want to express without hurting your wife -- if she loves you, she's likely already upset that she's not giving you what you need, and you'll only be confirming for her that she's not good enough. As the lower libido spouse, I found it exhausting just thinking about trying to keep up with DH, let alone actually trying to keep up with him, and I was sad/frustrated about that all the time. So when he pointed out his unhappiness, it often only compounded my own.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't keep trying, just at some point know that whatever you say aside from -- I'm truly totally happy with 1-2 times a month! -- is probably not going to go over well, at least initially. My DH and I have had a number of difficult conversations over the past few years since having kids, and have both had to make adjustments and compromises to get to a place where we're happy most of the time. We're never going to have as much sex as he wants to have, but we have a lot more of it a lot more regularly than we ever used to (3x week). My advice is to keep talking to your wife, and really try to figure out what the roadblock is in terms of her being an active/willing participant on those days she's just there for you. On some level, she has to know that laying there like she's doing you a favor by providing an orifice is not satisfying for you, and is not really an act of love and commitment on her part.

DW. This. She seems heartless or clueless. I feel like she could even talk dirty and it'd be okay, but not as is. "I'm not into this, but I still want you to *&%^ me because I love you and I want my *(&^* to be the only one your (*&^ ever enters. I'm sorry I can't orgasm with a quickie, but can't wait for three weeks from now when I can scream from the delight of you making me cum"....... Psychologically, I don't understand why she wouldn't fake it a little during a quickie. I'm not suggesting she fake an orgasm, just a coy smile and a batting of the eye lashes. Especially if he has to fake it 27 days a month that he is asexual and isn't trying to angle for sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and the lower libido spouse in my relationship. I do think your wife should be making more of an effort - just lying there during sex is not cool. I found that once my husband and I got into a groove of more sex (twice a week), that I started wanting it more. It's getting over the initial hurdle that's tough. What worked for us was my husband offering lots of physical affection but upfront saying that he wasn't looking for sex. That took the pressure off and let me relax, which ultimately led me to want to have sex. But you have to be completely genuine that you're not looking for sex at that moment. Here's what worked for us:

- DH giving full body massage. I had to get naked but he didn't want sex. Just wanted to give me a good massage and get to touch my body. Win-win. Most times, after being touched while naked and completely relaxed, I was begging him for sex.

- DH saying he just wanted to make out a bit. It was fun to feel like teenagers just kissing. But of course, that does awaken things.

The key is to truly convince her that you're not just trying to get sex though. Hope this helps!

This is excellent advice.

Another low libido partner here and I want to +100 the above as well. For me, part of the problem is a lack of overall physical intimacy and affection, so anytime my partner touches me it's because he wants to have sex. There's no more playful kissing or hugging or making out, etc. I'm supposed to just be "on" like he is. The foreplay before actual sex is fine but for me, that foreplay needs to be scattered throughout our lives in a way, if that makes sense.

Good luck, hope you guys figure it out.

and +100 to this
I think it's very common in mismatched (libido) marriages for the flirting and intimacy and non-sexual physical connection to disappear. Bring that back first before or as you start accepting her quickie invites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try helping around the house a bit - do some chores without being asked, do some of your spouse's chores, help kids with homework or music lessons, come home early to help out around the house, fix something your spouse has been asking you to fix or you know needs fixing... I know if feel a lot more libidinous if I am feeling respected by a family that chips in without me asking.

People say this all the time but I don't know if it's true in all cases. I'm the LL spouse and, like a PP said, this is a situation that becomes a pressure cooker. Taking the pressure off is helpful. My DH doesn't like to settle for just "any sex." Like OP, he wants mutual satisfaction all the time. Well, that's just not going to happen. I've asked and asked if he could just have a quickie every now and then to fulfill his needs and ensure that he knows that I love him (I don't just lay there but it's obvious I don't cum). He can't stand it. He wants us both to have luxurious sex whenever we do it. Since I can't fulfill that need, it becomes a problem. Him unloading the dishwasher isn't going to help.

Sometimes I get upset that it's always seemingly my fault. Like I'm somehow to blame because I have a lower libido than he does. That adds to the resentment because, even though he tries not to bug me all the time, he is obviously frustrated. There is a lot of heavy sighing and flipping in the covers when he realizes that I'm falling asleep or too amped up about something else to have sex that night. He suffers from insomnia when he is sexually frustrated so I offer (and offer and offer) to have sex but unless I'm up for anything and everything, he declines and stays frustrated. To say it's a pressure cooker may even be an understatement. But, I just can't love to have sex at the same rate he does.


All this to say: I'm sorry OP. You could be my DH for all I know. Even down to the 5 year old kid. Your wife loves you, which is why she offers to have sex with you. She knows you need it and she's doing her best to fulfill your needs. By releasing any of the tension in the room, you're trying to fulfill hers. If I had the magic bullet, I'd use it, but honestly, both partners have to meet in the middle. I think that means quickies, when offered, should be taken advantage of and, to some extent, appreciated. I can't condone just lying there but know she's trying...

OP here - I really appreciate your thoughts. Two questions to you or anyone else with similar perspectives:

1) would the advice upstream help, i.e. doing physical things without the expectation of sex - kissing, massages, etc? Or would that make you feel even more touched out?
2) I know that feeling of feeling restless and insomniac without sexual release. Sometimes I want to be very frank when the children go to bed and just say to my wife - "I am going to the bedroom to masturbate for 20 minutes so I can relax and actually talk to you without stewing in frustration - but I don't want you to feel the need to join." Is that type of message to crude or direct?

OP, not even kissing and massages. Start with hugs around the waste from behind. Kisses goodbye and hello. Kisses on the cheek. A casual footrub while she's watching crap tv.
A tasteful ass grab. A nice text here and there to say I'm thinking about you and love you. Cuddling, if she likes it. Inviting her to sit on your lap when you're at the park with the kids. Not in a sexual way, but a cute way. Holding hands while out with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here - I really appreciate your thoughts. Two questions to you or anyone else with similar perspectives:

1) would the advice upstream help, i.e. doing physical things without the expectation of sex - kissing, massages, etc? Or would that make you feel even more touched out?
2) I know that feeling of feeling restless and insomniac without sexual release. Sometimes I want to be very frank when the children go to bed and just say to my wife - "I am going to the bedroom to masturbate for 20 minutes so I can relax and actually talk to you without stewing in frustration - but I don't want you to feel the need to join." Is that type of message to crude or direct?

Look, if you think this is okay to say, your marriage is not having trouble because of LL issues. It's having trouble because you are communicating resentfully and childishly.

If you need to masturbate to act normally and not "stew", that's cool -- go take care of yourself. I don't know why you'd need to inform your wife other than to lash out in an underhanded way and emphasize that she's not pleasuring you on par with your expectations. After you masturbate, come back and give her a massage and go to sleep. Do this a few times and I'll bet the pressure will be gone and she'll start responding on her own. And when she does, you'll last a long time since you just let off some steam. This works really well for DH and me.

+1

+1 and a vote for marriage counseling. Perhaps you are both on the immature side or need help with communicating. Her taking one for the team face is a poor form of communication and she may or may not be aware of it.... Either way, you both have more power than you think you do to be influential and loving. I wish you luck and mutual understanding and empathy.