Approaching low drive spouse...

[Anonymous]

DH is low-drive...like, very low drive. Doesn't self satisfy, isn't physically affectionate toward me, and really isn't very interested in sex. We could go a couple of months without if it were up to him... But he'll do it because I keep saying what a priority it needs to be for us, our marriage, that I'm worried, etc. I don't think I can continue like this...but feel trapped. He's a good person most of the time, and I've created a very secure home life for our kids which I won't disrupt. I want to be an honorable person to all parties involved, but feel like I'm living a lie...am dying inside. DH is not very approachable in this way. I don't want him to feel anxiety about sex...I think it will make the situation worse. I also think he'll be angry and offended if I ask him to have his testosterone checked. I really don't know what to do. Any advice from those who have discussed these issues with their male partners? How do you live with the cordial, nice marriage with no intimacy? It would be easier to deal with, honestly, if we weren't generally so respectful toward one another.

[Anonymous]

How long has it been since he's seen a doctor? Just for a physical? I think if he can't even talk about it, then maybe you should see a therapist on your own to talk things through. It's totally legitimate that this is a deal breaker for you. He needs to understand that and you need to find a way to make that clear to him.

[Anonymous]

Has he always been low drive? When did it change?

[Anonymous]

He's due for a physical soon, so that would probably be a good opportunity to ask him to get his levels checked...assuming that can be done with a general blood test.

In terms of when this started, after we had children. So about ten years. I was always more interested and initiated, but there has been a big change from his level of interest. I do think he's generally just very content with limited sex. At times he'll become frustrated and say he misses the intimacy, but, in reality, he's not interested on a daily basis. I want to go to counseling but he refuses. He says the idea scares him... Then it means we have "problems."

[Anonymous]

OP again. I'm a gregarious, fun-loving person so the lack of affection is especially hard for me. I think the suggestion to speak with a counselor on my own is a good one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's due for a physical soon, so that would probably be a good opportunity to ask him to get his levels checked...assuming that can be done with a general blood test.

In terms of when this started, after we had children. So about ten years. I was always more interested and initiated, but there has been a big change from his level of interest. I do think he's generally just very content with limited sex. At times he'll become frustrated and say he misses the intimacy, but, in reality, he's not interested on a daily basis. I want to go to counseling but he refuses. He says the idea scares him... Then it means we have "problems."

You do have marriage problems and he needs to understand that. Before therapy, however, I would have him discuss with his doctor and possibly have his testosterone checked. If that's ok then therapy would be the next logical step. Assuming no medical issues, the possibilities of of "why" are numerous at this point, so therapy, especially if you can get him to be an honest and engaged participant, can help get to the bottom of it. Again, he needs to understand that this is a serious issue and is eroding the marriage, just like other types of problems can, and that you love, desire, and value him and the marriage and want to address it before you get past the point of no return.

[Anonymous]

OP is he overweight and does he drink and / or smoke?

If he needs a lifestyle change that should likely reboot his sex drive a great deal...

[Anonymous]

OP again. Sorry I'm asking so many questions. I think I'm personally hitting a rock bottom with this issue, and it's so personal I don't have anyone to talk to about this. This isn't normal, right? I do understand that "normal" is what works for both parties....but shouldn't a healthy adult male have a greater sex drive? I've spent so much time trying to convince myself this situation is doable, I need to see things from different perspectives, appreciate what I have, etc. that I feel like my perspective is skewed. I am attractive, fit, carry more than my share of the load, am generally happy and accommodations. Always trying to figure out if there are ways I can change things for the better. Just feeling confused, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Gay?

[Anonymous]

Accommodating, not accommodates

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Sorry I'm asking so many questions. I think I'm personally hitting a rock bottom with this issue, and it's so personal I don't have anyone to talk to about this. This isn't normal, right? I do understand that "normal" is what works for both parties....but shouldn't a healthy adult male have a greater sex drive? I've spent so much time trying to convince myself this situation is doable, I need to see things from different perspectives, appreciate what I have, etc. that I feel like my perspective is skewed. I am attractive, fit, carry more than my share of the load, am generally happy and accommodations. Always trying to figure out if there are ways I can change things for the better. Just feeling confused, I guess.

It's not normal for a healthy male to not want sex. Its also totally normal to feel rejected and resentful in your situation. If you are sure he is't masturbating, then I would first start with the medical aspect, i.e. low testosterone.

I wish I had a magic solution for you, but I don't. It is going to require a brutally honest conversation at some point where you are going to have to tell him what you need out of the physical side of the relationship. In a perfect world, a spouse whose sex drive is that low would be open minded enough to allow you to get your needs filled outside of the marriage. But in reality, it might be the price of admission.

Good luck. If it helps, you have tons of company. Mismatched libidos is among the most common marital problems and reason for infidelity and divorce.

[Anonymous]

OP, the fact that you're second guessing yourself so much on your feelings about this I think is another big reason to try therapy in your own (I'm the PP who suggested that above). Everything you're describing seems completely normal to me in terms of how I would feel in your shoes (or how spouse would feel)...but bring unable to talk about it, second guessing yourself, suggests a neutral third party might really help you sort it out and help you find good ways to communicate. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Same issue in my marriage. I went on AM. He knows and now it looks like our kids and family will, too, but instead of going with the "he won't fuck me" line we are going with the "we checked it out together one night out of curiosity line. There is nothing like the hurt of someone you adore rejecting you intimately. I am so sorry. My DH has tried hormones, antidepressants, etcetera. Doc says age and weight. It isn't an erection issue, just lack of desire. Sucks. I empathize OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same issue in my marriage. I went on AM. He knows and now it looks like our kids and family will, too, but instead of going with the "he won't fuck me" line we are going with the "we checked it out together one night out of curiosity line. There is nothing like the hurt of someone you adore rejecting you intimately. I am so sorry. My DH has tried hormones, antidepressants, etcetera. Doc says age and weight. It isn't an erection issue, just lack of desire. Sucks. I empathize OP.

Did you go on AM with DH's permission? Was it a don't ask don't tell thing or did you just take matters into your own hands without getting a head nod?

[Anonymous]

Same thing here. And my DH is also one of those guys who refuses to go to the doctor, in general, so the chance I'll ever be able to convince him to be checked for low testosterone is pretty much nil. It's sad and lonely.