Looking for constructive feedback from low libido partners

[Anonymous]

OP: get out.

Single men: don't marry. post menopause it just dives.

Married men: don't have kids. you'll get stuck sexless in your 50s.

[Anonymous]

DW here with low libido DH. OP, you want what you can't have, which is your wife wanting to have sex with you because she wants it. I am sorry to say but that is not your responsibility. This is what it is. You can't change her, you can't make her want you. You could do infinite amounts of laundry; you could hold her hand every day...but in the end, it is her and her libido on one side and you and your libido on the other. If you are staying in the marriage and don't want to cheat, then your only real option is to take her up on uninspired sex when you are horny and she is offering, and accept that she is trying to meet you halfway.

Believe me, I have been around the block with this BS. And this is essentially what it comes down to over the long haul.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW here with low libido DH. OP, you want what you can't have, which is your wife wanting to have sex with you because she wants it. I am sorry to say but that is not your responsibility. This is what it is. You can't change her, you can't make her want you. You could do infinite amounts of laundry; you could hold her hand every day...but in the end, it is her and her libido on one side and you and your libido on the other. If you are staying in the marriage and don't want to cheat, then your only real option is to take her up on uninspired sex when you are horny and she is offering, and accept that she is trying to meet you halfway.

Believe me, I have been around the block with this BS. And this is essentially what it comes down to over the long haul.

Hence my advice (PP above) to GET OUT NOW!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try helping around the house a bit - do some chores without being asked, do some of your spouse's chores, help kids with homework or music lessons, come home early to help out around the house, fix something your spouse has been asking you to fix or you know needs fixing... I know if feel a lot more libidinous if I am feeling respected by a family that chips in without me asking.

As a DH who could've written the OP's post, allow me to say, with all due respect, bullshit.

That may work for you, but I've done all that for my DW as well. The more I do .... the more I do. She's the SAHM. DS#1 is in 1st grade - so 5 days a week, full day. DS#2 is in half day pre-school 5 days a week. I drive at least one of them the majority of the time. DS#1 has evening activities 3 nights a week. I take both kids. DW goes to a class to work out 2-3 nights a week.

And, yet, the more I do to make sure she gets her "Mommy time," the less sex we have. She's on the 1-2x a month schedule, too, just like the OP's wife. I know, a couple of days before her period and 1-2 days after she'll be in the mood for one night. If I happen to be out of town for work or something intrudes, well, guess I've just missed my chance and she's perfectly fine.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you should adjust your attitude regarding her willingness to take one for the team. She's doing it not out of pity, but out of love! Meet her in the middle. Sex leads to more sex, and maybe you guys will get back in gear. I understand that her lack of enthusiasm is depressing and emotionally difficult for you. But, try to understand that faking enthusiasm may be depressing and emotionally difficult for her. Genuine enthusiasm just isn't in the cards for you right now. Accept what she is offering, and try to make it as loving as you can. It is something to build on. Go to bed early and take your time. Or get a Saturday morning babysitter to take the kids to the playground, and see if that works better.

There is such a thing as too much talking about it. Get out a deck of cards, have a little drink, and give the subject a rest while you just enjoy each other's company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you should adjust your attitude regarding her willingness to take one for the team. She's doing it not out of pity, but out of love! Meet her in the middle. Sex leads to more sex, and maybe you guys will get back in gear. I understand that her lack of enthusiasm is depressing and emotionally difficult for you. But, try to understand that faking enthusiasm may be depressing and emotionally difficult for her. Genuine enthusiasm just isn't in the cards for you right now. Accept what she is offering, and try to make it as loving as you can. It is something to build on. Go to bed early and take your time. Or get a Saturday morning babysitter to take the kids to the playground, and see if that works better.

There is such a thing as too much talking about it. Get out a deck of cards, have a little drink, and give the subject a rest while you just enjoy each other's company.

It can be OP. Tinder up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't turn her down when she initiates. She's making an effort to make you happy, so please meet her halfway. I agree with increasing the amount of non-sexual touching in your marriage. Sometimes it can feel like sex is something that we give to our partner, and we are already giving so much and we are so tired. If you take the pressure off, she might get into the mood more. Plus, even if you aren't having sex, making contact is good for both of you.

Yes, i really agree with this. You really are asking a lot. Sex is a profession of love as much as anything else. She's offering her body to you in a generous and loving spirit. why is that unattractive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try helping around the house a bit - do some chores without being asked, do some of your spouse's chores, help kids with homework or music lessons, come home early to help out around the house, fix something your spouse has been asking you to fix or you know needs fixing... I know if feel a lot more libidinous if I am feeling respected by a family that chips in without me asking.

As a DH who could've written the OP's post, allow me to say, with all due respect, bullshit.

That may work for you, but I've done all that for my DW as well. The more I do .... the more I do. She's the SAHM. DS#1 is in 1st grade - so 5 days a week, full day. DS#2 is in half day pre-school 5 days a week. I drive at least one of them the majority of the time. DS#1 has evening activities 3 nights a week. I take both kids. DW goes to a class to work out 2-3 nights a week.

And, yet, the more I do to make sure she gets her "Mommy time," the less sex we have. She's on the 1-2x a month schedule, too, just like the OP's wife. I know, a couple of days before her period and 1-2 days after she'll be in the mood for one night. If I happen to be out of town for work or something intrudes, well, guess I've just missed my chance and she's perfectly fine.

[Anonymous]

DW with a high libido here, but I turn down sex with my DH. I used to LOVE sex and be very creative and kinky in bed, but I hate the way my DH is in bed. When we first got married I thought that this would change that he just liked to have sex differently than me and we would learn how the other one like it. Was I ever wrong. He is such a great guy otherwise, but now when he touches me sexually it repulses me for some reason. Even if he kisses me. It may sound harsh, but how are you in bed? Would she be able to tell you the truth without crushing you?

If all else fails try counseling, watching porn together, toys, sex clubs, specialty kink clubs, swings, having an open marriage. Please tell her that it's so important that you may want to split because of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't turn her down when she initiates. She's making an effort to make you happy, so please meet her halfway. I agree with increasing the amount of non-sexual touching in your marriage. Sometimes it can feel like sex is something that we give to our partner, and we are already giving so much and we are so tired. If you take the pressure off, she might get into the mood more. Plus, even if you aren't having sex, making contact is good for both of you.

Yes, i really agree with this. You really are asking a lot. Sex is a profession of love as much as anything else. She's offering her body to you in a generous and loving spirit. why is that unattractive?

I think it can really depend here. Sometimes the quicky is an expression of love. Other times, a wife can be hating you with her vagina. Maintenance sex is fine and should be received in the spirit it's given -- e.g. "I'm not up for chasing my orgasm, but I love you and I'm here for you." Pity sex, on the other hand, should be declined and avoided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't turn her down when she initiates. She's making an effort to make you happy, so please meet her halfway. I agree with increasing the amount of non-sexual touching in your marriage. Sometimes it can feel like sex is something that we give to our partner, and we are already giving so much and we are so tired. If you take the pressure off, she might get into the mood more. Plus, even if you aren't having sex, making contact is good for both of you.

Yes, i really agree with this. You really are asking a lot. Sex is a profession of love as much as anything else. She's offering her body to you in a generous and loving spirit. why is that unattractive?

I think its much more about her attitude when she offers her body. It's something on her "to do" list. If the low libido partner has genuine enthusiasm in seeing and helping their partner receive sexual pleasure, that is an assist. If she is lying there disinterested, it is unhelpful and condescending.

The anaolgy would be a low libido male using a vibrator or fingers on his high libido wife while checking ESPN on his phone. I doubt that would count as lovingly giving up his time and body.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW with a high libido here, but I turn down sex with my DH. I used to LOVE sex and be very creative and kinky in bed, but I hate the way my DH is in bed. When we first got married I thought that this would change that he just liked to have sex differently than me and we would learn how the other one like it. Was I ever wrong. He is such a great guy otherwise, but now when he touches me sexually it repulses me for some reason. Even if he kisses me. It may sound harsh, but how are you in bed? Would she be able to tell you the truth without crushing you?

If all else fails try counseling, watching porn together, toys, sex clubs, specialty kink clubs, swings, having an open marriage. Please tell her that it's so important that you may want to split because of it.

OP here, I appreciate your thoughts - I have often assumed its something I am doing, so I try to do different things, have bought sex toys, offered to watch porn, change positions. But then imagine how inconsiderate I seem when I am trying to spice things up and have wild, passionate sex when she is just not in the mood and really wants me to be efficient and get it over with.

I would love it if she told me the problem was something I was doing. I would change it up in a heart-beat. Alas, she claims she is just never in the mood. That part has long been unfixable by anything in my control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW with a high libido here, but I turn down sex with my DH. I used to LOVE sex and be very creative and kinky in bed, but I hate the way my DH is in bed. When we first got married I thought that this would change that he just liked to have sex differently than me and we would learn how the other one like it. Was I ever wrong. He is such a great guy otherwise, but now when he touches me sexually it repulses me for some reason. Even if he kisses me. It may sound harsh, but how are you in bed? Would she be able to tell you the truth without crushing you?

If all else fails try counseling, watching porn together, toys, sex clubs, specialty kink clubs, swings, having an open marriage. Please tell her that it's so important that you may want to split because of it.

OP here, I appreciate your thoughts - I have often assumed its something I am doing, so I try to do different things, have bought sex toys, offered to watch porn, change positions. But then imagine how inconsiderate I seem when I am trying to spice things up and have wild, passionate sex when she is just not in the mood and really wants me to be efficient and get it over with.

I would love it if she told me the problem was something I was doing. I would change it up in a heart-beat. Alas, she claims she is just never in the mood. That part has long been unfixable by anything in my control.

I am the DW that commented above that there is nothing you can really do about this. Reread your last sentence. Therein lies your answer...you already know this. So you have three choices...accept the status quo, cheat, or leave. I am in the same boat. After going through a ton of shit on top of the now or low sex business's, after having an emotional affair and one night stand and realizing that was not my answer...and realizing that even after a year of individual (for me) and couples therapy (DH won't go on his own), I have come to realize that this is IT. Either I accept it, or move on and break up my family (we have two young kids). I have decided to stay; but mainly for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW with a high libido here, but I turn down sex with my DH. I used to LOVE sex and be very creative and kinky in bed, but I hate the way my DH is in bed. When we first got married I thought that this would change that he just liked to have sex differently than me and we would learn how the other one like it. Was I ever wrong. He is such a great guy otherwise, but now when he touches me sexually it repulses me for some reason. Even if he kisses me. It may sound harsh, but how are you in bed? Would she be able to tell you the truth without crushing you?

If all else fails try counseling, watching porn together, toys, sex clubs, specialty kink clubs, swings, having an open marriage. Please tell her that it's so important that you may want to split because of it.

OP here, I appreciate your thoughts - I have often assumed its something I am doing, so I try to do different things, have bought sex toys, offered to watch porn, change positions. But then imagine how inconsiderate I seem when I am trying to spice things up and have wild, passionate sex when she is just not in the mood and really wants me to be efficient and get it over with.

I would love it if she told me the problem was something I was doing. I would change it up in a heart-beat. Alas, she claims she is just never in the mood. That part has long been unfixable by anything in my control.

OP, I'm so sorry. The man I'm having an affair with loves his wife, but she is just never interested in anything but mechanical sex. I can see the pain it causes him, especially because their sex life used to be good. No solutions for you, just sympathy. At least my husband told me straight up that he couldn't keep up with me and that I was free to go outside, so long as I was discreet.

[Anonymous]

LL wife here. One thing that stuck out immediately from your first post was that your wife is interested in sec on vacation and that very much mirrors our experience. Here's why, my husband tends to take out lots of his workplace stress on me and passive aggressively criticizes my housekeeping (he's very particular) when he's on vacation he another man which loosens me up.
Like others he only touches me when he wants sex and has a history of getting pissed off if we fool around and don't have sex (that was true even in the early days of sex 2x day). Had I been a little older and wiser I would not have stayed in the relationship, we are very incompatible in many ways and our sex life takes the brunt of it.