Looking for constructive feedback from low libido partners

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing that strikes me about this thread is the contradiction embodied by the low libido spouses who complain that their higher libido spouses need for sex make them feel objectified as just a "warm body" yet at the same time we're urged to be grateful when that spouse unenthusiastically grants use of that "warm body".

Sorry, folks, but the knowledge that your spouse only wants you maybe once a month or so when the hormones are raging takes a huge toll on the ego and more importantly damages that connection those of us who have higher libido crave.

In my case, knowing my DW only wants me when the hormones are raging actually makes ME feel like the "warm body." We typically have sex 1-2 times per week except during her period and I might get oral when she's on her period. With the exception of the one or two times per month where it's clear she actually wants to have sex I feel like she's thinking of somebody else when we're doing it. For example, she won't make eye contact when we're facing each other...if I catch her eye, she closes her eyes.

I've read enough threads on the explicit board about DWs who pine for former lovers and/or candidly lament that their DH's endowment doesn't "measure up" to their needs that it's hard not to feel pretty hopeless about all this.

So only the high libido spouse gets to have feelings that are validated? The LL spouse's feelings aren't important enough?

Sorry folks, but the knowledge that your spouse only wants to get off and wants you to act like a semi-pro porn star as you're getting him off, even though you're exhausted from working all day, cleaning up after the kids, making the spouse's dinner, talking to spouse's mother on the phone, etc.. takes a huge toll on the ego and, more importantly, damages the emotional connection those of us who have the lower libido crave.

OP here - I think both points of view are valid.

I was talking with a friend who is a marriage counselor, and she said differences is sex drives and libido along with money as the number one problem in marriage break-ups. I asked if counseling would help, her take was that it might if there is underlying resentment from the low libido spouse that may be keeping the desire for sex quashed (as may be the case from the poster above). But, she said that long term differences in libido usually undermine a marriage to the point of infidelity, divorce, or hardening resentment, and that individual counseling might be a better first approach to deal with internalizing feelings of rejection.

All very depressing options, honestly. I love my DW and I wish she and I could have found more compatible spouses. If we didn't have kids, it would be so much easier to just accept that our relationship has run its course and with each other well. But we have kids and will try to make the best of it.

Thanks for all of the suggestions and points of view.

In my case, DW refuses to go to marriage counseling so this is what I have done (not the only reason why I'm in counseling but it's a huge contributor to my reasons for being there).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW with a high libido here, but I turn down sex with my DH. I used to LOVE sex and be very creative and kinky in bed, but I hate the way my DH is in bed. When we first got married I thought that this would change that he just liked to have sex differently than me and we would learn how the other one like it. Was I ever wrong. He is such a great guy otherwise, but now when he touches me sexually it repulses me for some reason. Even if he kisses me. It may sound harsh, but how are you in bed? Would she be able to tell you the truth without crushing you?

If all else fails try counseling, watching porn together, toys, sex clubs, specialty kink clubs, swings, having an open marriage. Please tell her that it's so important that you may want to split because of it.

OP here, I appreciate your thoughts - I have often assumed its something I am doing, so I try to do different things, have bought sex toys, offered to watch porn, change positions. But then imagine how inconsiderate I seem when I am trying to spice things up and have wild, passionate sex when she is just not in the mood and really wants me to be efficient and get it over with.

I would love it if she told me the problem was something I was doing. I would change it up in a heart-beat. Alas, she claims she is just never in the mood. That part has long been unfixable by anything in my control.

I am the DW that commented above that there is nothing you can really do about this. Reread your last sentence. Therein lies your answer...you already know this. So you have three choices...accept the status quo, cheat, or leave. I am in the same boat. After going through a ton of shit on top of the now or low sex business's, after having an emotional affair and one night stand and realizing that was not my answer...and realizing that even after a year of individual (for me) and couples therapy (DH won't go on his own), I have come to realize that this is IT. Either I accept it, or move on and break up my family (we have two young kids). I have decided to stay; but mainly for the kids.

New poster here, married to another low libido spouse. I have also BTDT with the one night stand and somewhat of an emotional affair and its just not worth the risk/hassle (at this point). So I also stay for the kids. What is you coping mechanism so you don't get too bitter with your spouse and enjoy the rest of the marriage? Have you been able to set aside the resentment from the sexual mismatch?

Hi, PP here. Lots of therapy and moving from a victim mentality to one of understanding that his is how my spouse is and I have to make the decision to stay or go, which have me some power back, has helped a lot. I also actively fantasize about men I've met. And masturbate.

I have let go most of my resentment through all of the above. There are days when it comes flooding back. But I have my reasons for staying, and I generally accept them.

[Anonymous]

It’s difficult to accept what you don’t want to be true. And it’s more difficult to not accept. Not accepting pain brings suffering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW with a high libido here, but I turn down sex with my DH. I used to LOVE sex and be very creative and kinky in bed, but I hate the way my DH is in bed. When we first got married I thought that this would change that he just liked to have sex differently than me and we would learn how the other one like it. Was I ever wrong. He is such a great guy otherwise, but now when he touches me sexually it repulses me for some reason. Even if he kisses me. It may sound harsh, but how are you in bed? Would she be able to tell you the truth without crushing you?

If all else fails try counseling, watching porn together, toys, sex clubs, specialty kink clubs, swings, having an open marriage. Please tell her that it's so important that you may want to split because of it.

OP here, I appreciate your thoughts - I have often assumed its something I am doing, so I try to do different things, have bought sex toys, offered to watch porn, change positions. But then imagine how inconsiderate I seem when I am trying to spice things up and have wild, passionate sex when she is just not in the mood and really wants me to be efficient and get it over with.

I would love it if she told me the problem was something I was doing. I would change it up in a heart-beat. Alas, she claims she is just never in the mood. That part has long been unfixable by anything in my control.

I am the DW that commented above that there is nothing you can really do about this. Reread your last sentence. Therein lies your answer...you already know this. So you have three choices...accept the status quo, cheat, or leave. I am in the same boat. After going through a ton of shit on top of the now or low sex business's, after having an emotional affair and one night stand and realizing that was not my answer...and realizing that even after a year of individual (for me) and couples therapy (DH won't go on his own), I have come to realize that this is IT. Either I accept it, or move on and break up my family (we have two young kids). I have decided to stay; but mainly for the kids.

New poster here, married to another low libido spouse. I have also BTDT with the one night stand and somewhat of an emotional affair and its just not worth the risk/hassle (at this point). So I also stay for the kids. What is you coping mechanism so you don't get too bitter with your spouse and enjoy the rest of the marriage? Have you been able to set aside the resentment from the sexual mismatch?

Hi, PP here. Lots of therapy and moving from a victim mentality to one of understanding that his is how my spouse is and I have to make the decision to stay or go, which have me some power back, has helped a lot. I also actively fantasize about men I've met. And masturbate.

I have let go most of my resentment through all of the above. There are days when it comes flooding back. But I have my reasons for staying, and I generally accept them.

I accept my husband is low drive, and that he's not physically affectionate in general, and that he's not considerate of me because he doesn't care if we have sex or not and honestly, would have been happier never marrying at all. I accept these things because I have a long term affair partner who gives me what my husband does not. I couldn't stay otherwise.

[Anonymous]

OP, you seem to be asking for quite a lot. Your wife sounds like she is trying hard to meet you half way. She can't magically make herself have a higher sex drive, or orgasm more easily, or whatever it is you want from her. She loves you and wants to make you happy by having sex more often than she would prefer. Why does that make you feel rejected?? I am a SAHM to young kids and I want to have sex never. Right now it is all I can do to stay awake and have mediocre sex with my husband a couple times a month. I wish I could go back to being 25 and thin and well rested and horny all the time, but I can't. Your wife sounds like she is doing the best she can and you are the one rejecting her and going off to masturbate on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you seem to be asking for quite a lot. Your wife sounds like she is trying hard to meet you half way. She can't magically make herself have a higher sex drive, or orgasm more easily, or whatever it is you want from her. She loves you and wants to make you happy by having sex more often than she would prefer. Why does that make you feel rejected?? I am a SAHM to young kids and I want to have sex never. Right now it is all I can do to stay awake and have mediocre sex with my husband a couple times a month. I wish I could go back to being 25 and thin and well rested and horny all the time, but I can't. Your wife sounds like she is doing the best she can and you are the one rejecting her and going off to masturbate on your own.

Thanks for your feedback. You sound very similar to what my DW is probably thinking. Question - would it be reasonable to ask that you set aside some time, once a week, to get into the mood, whatever that is, so that when you are having sex there is genuine passion and enthusiasm? Like if your DH got kids out of house, or your read erotica, or did whatever it took? Is there anything he can do to make it more pleasurable or is it truly just the situation you are in (it's really not him?) Or is that too much pressure?

Appreciate the view from the other side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW with a high libido here, but I turn down sex with my DH. I used to LOVE sex and be very creative and kinky in bed, but I hate the way my DH is in bed. When we first got married I thought that this would change that he just liked to have sex differently than me and we would learn how the other one like it. Was I ever wrong. He is such a great guy otherwise, but now when he touches me sexually it repulses me for some reason. Even if he kisses me. It may sound harsh, but how are you in bed? Would she be able to tell you the truth without crushing you?

If all else fails try counseling, watching porn together, toys, sex clubs, specialty kink clubs, swings, having an open marriage. Please tell her that it's so important that you may want to split because of it.

OP here, I appreciate your thoughts - I have often assumed its something I am doing, so I try to do different things, have bought sex toys, offered to watch porn, change positions. But then imagine how inconsiderate I seem when I am trying to spice things up and have wild, passionate sex when she is just not in the mood and really wants me to be efficient and get it over with.

I would love it if she told me the problem was something I was doing. I would change it up in a heart-beat. Alas, she claims she is just never in the mood. That part has long been unfixable by anything in my control.

I am the DW that commented above that there is nothing you can really do about this. Reread your last sentence. Therein lies your answer...you already know this. So you have three choices...accept the status quo, cheat, or leave. I am in the same boat. After going through a ton of shit on top of the now or low sex business's, after having an emotional affair and one night stand and realizing that was not my answer...and realizing that even after a year of individual (for me) and couples therapy (DH won't go on his own), I have come to realize that this is IT. Either I accept it, or move on and break up my family (we have two young kids). I have decided to stay; but mainly for the kids.

New poster here, married to another low libido spouse. I have also BTDT with the one night stand and somewhat of an emotional affair and its just not worth the risk/hassle (at this point). So I also stay for the kids. What is you coping mechanism so you don't get too bitter with your spouse and enjoy the rest of the marriage? Have you been able to set aside the resentment from the sexual mismatch?

No. It burns worse and worse and ends up affecting unwraveling the entire relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LL wife here. One thing that stuck out immediately from your first post was that your wife is interested in sec on vacation and that very much mirrors our experience. Here's why, my husband tends to take out lots of his workplace stress on me and passive aggressively criticizes my housekeeping (he's very particular) when he's on vacation he another man which loosens me up.
Like others he only touches me when he wants sex and has a history of getting pissed off if we fool around and don't have sex (that was true even in the early days of sex 2x day). Had I been a little older and wiser I would not have stayed in the relationship, we are very incompatible in many ways and our sex life takes the brunt of it.

Have you told your husband point blank that taking his stress out on you, and criticizing you, kills your libido?

Yes, independently, in marriage counseling, provoked, unprovoked. He doesn't have and possibly doesn't want the tools to deal with it. Sometimes I think he is intentionally punishing me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you seem to be asking for quite a lot. Your wife sounds like she is trying hard to meet you half way. She can't magically make herself have a higher sex drive, or orgasm more easily, or whatever it is you want from her. She loves you and wants to make you happy by having sex more often than she would prefer. Why does that make you feel rejected?? I am a SAHM to young kids and I want to have sex never. Right now it is all I can do to stay awake and have mediocre sex with my husband a couple times a month. I wish I could go back to being 25 and thin and well rested and horny all the time, but I can't. Your wife sounds like she is doing the best she can and you are the one rejecting her and going off to masturbate on your own.

Thanks for your feedback. You sound very similar to what my DW is probably thinking. Question - would it be reasonable to ask that you set aside some time, once a week, to get into the mood, whatever that is, so that when you are having sex there is genuine passion and enthusiasm? Like if your DH got kids out of house, or your read erotica, or did whatever it took? Is there anything he can do to make it more pleasurable or is it truly just the situation you are in (it's really not him?) Or is that too much pressure?

Appreciate the view from the other side.

NP here-- I could try to do that, but it doesn't always work, and then DH gets cranky when it doesn't work or if my performance of enjoyment is not convincing enough. And, of course, DH would have to cooperate by giving me that time, which he promises and never follows through on.

OP, have you tried morning sex? It works a lot better for me. I'm just too tired in the evenings, and by the time he puts down his precious laptop, it's already later than I wanted to stay up. I hate having to nag DH into coming upstairs just so I can pretend to enjoy sex (that he'll later complain about). It works a lot better to get a Saturday AM babysitter to take the kids outside. If he lets me sleep in while he sees the kids off, then comes back upstairs, we do a lot better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and the lower libido spouse in my relationship. I do think your wife should be making more of an effort - just lying there during sex is not cool. I found that once my husband and I got into a groove of more sex (twice a week), that I started wanting it more. It's getting over the initial hurdle that's tough. What worked for us was my husband offering lots of physical affection but upfront saying that he wasn't looking for sex. That took the pressure off and let me relax, which ultimately led me to want to have sex. But you have to be completely genuine that you're not looking for sex at that moment. Here's what worked for us:

- DH giving full body massage. I had to get naked but he didn't want sex. Just wanted to give me a good massage and get to touch my body. Win-win. Most times, after being touched while naked and completely relaxed, I was begging him for sex.

- DH saying he just wanted to make out a bit. It was fun to feel like teenagers just kissing. But of course, that does awaken things.

The key is to truly convince her that you're not just trying to get sex though. Hope this helps!

I am a low libido DW and totally agree with all of this.

[Anonymous]

There's a difference between a LL spouse "lying back and thinking of America" leading to the HL spouse being discouraged, as opposed to the HL spouse wanting their LL spouse to "act like you're writing a new chapter to the Kama Sutra."

I suspect some LL spouses just have a hard (heh) time pushing away "all the other crap I gotta do" off their plate, such as the PP who suggests full body massages and making out a little bit.

+1 to the morning sex. Easier to leave my DDs who are 8 and 1 to just play/watch TV/whatever.

[Anonymous]

The wives need to have their own testosterone levels checked. Yes women have some natural levels of T. A little testerone will wake things up. trust me on this!! I am the low lib DW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The wives need to have their own testosterone levels checked. Yes women have some natural levels of T. A little testerone will wake things up. trust me on this!! I am the low lib DW.

Did just a dose of Testosterone make a big difference without any change in anything your DH was doing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and the lower libido spouse in my relationship. I do think your wife should be making more of an effort - just lying there during sex is not cool. I found that once my husband and I got into a groove of more sex (twice a week), that I started wanting it more. It's getting over the initial hurdle that's tough. What worked for us was my husband offering lots of physical affection but upfront saying that he wasn't looking for sex. That took the pressure off and let me relax, which ultimately led me to want to have sex. But you have to be completely genuine that you're not looking for sex at that moment. Here's what worked for us:

- DH giving full body massage. I had to get naked but he didn't want sex. Just wanted to give me a good massage and get to touch my body. Win-win. Most times, after being touched while naked and completely relaxed, I was begging him for sex.

- DH saying he just wanted to make out a bit. It was fun to feel like teenagers just kissing. But of course, that does awaken things.

The key is to truly convince her that you're not just trying to get sex though. Hope this helps!

This is soooo stupid!
You only want sex if your H can pretend he doesn't want sex?
Because if he DOES want sex, then you WON'T want sex?

Why not just let him go out and get laid with a normal woman who prefers having sex with a guy who also wants sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and the lower libido spouse in my relationship. I do think your wife should be making more of an effort - just lying there during sex is not cool. I found that once my husband and I got into a groove of more sex (twice a week), that I started wanting it more. It's getting over the initial hurdle that's tough. What worked for us was my husband offering lots of physical affection but upfront saying that he wasn't looking for sex. That took the pressure off and let me relax, which ultimately led me to want to have sex. But you have to be completely genuine that you're not looking for sex at that moment. Here's what worked for us:

- DH giving full body massage. I had to get naked but he didn't want sex. Just wanted to give me a good massage and get to touch my body. Win-win. Most times, after being touched while naked and completely relaxed, I was begging him for sex.

- DH saying he just wanted to make out a bit. It was fun to feel like teenagers just kissing. But of course, that does awaken things.

The key is to truly convince her that you're not just trying to get sex though. Hope this helps!

This is soooo stupid!
You only want sex if your H can pretend he doesn't want sex?
Because if he DOES want sex, then you WON'T want sex?

Why not just let him go out and get laid with a normal woman who prefers having sex with a guy who also wants sex?

This is kind of a good point. If your husband didn't want to have sex with you, you would be hurt. If he does, you are turned off. The answer is him pretending not to want sex well enough that you can suspend your belief that he wants sex enough for you to actually want sex?