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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am the LL spouse and here is my problem.  Usually we have limited time for sex, it is late at night, we are both tired, and DH will kiss me for like one minute and then try to rush me into sex.  Or he wants me to go oral first since he needs time to recover in order to have intercourse.  Not happening.  After one minute of half-hearted kissing I'm not going down for a BJ.  Sory.  It makes me feel like he doesn't really want ME, he just wants a warm body to get off in.  He never compliments me on anything - my appearance, my parenting, the shit ton of things I do for my family including bringing home 2/3 of the income or support him in going to grad school, and I generally don't feel like I am ever actually SEEN.  Life is busy and we don't have time to connect. I try to initiate a meaningful conversation about something - anything - and it seems like I am annoying him.  Libido is as much in the head as anything, and if we're not connecting and I don't feel like he's into me as a person anymore, I'm not really raging to have sex.

And yeah, if you are going to turn her down when she DOES offer well, that's on you, buddy.  [/quote]

ex-LL partner here, same story. or at least your story resonates a lot. My otherwise very kind long term (7 years) boyfriend was not good at putting me in the mood. He wanted both of us to be interested in having wild sex at 11pm every night but with nothing to get me mentally in the mood: I needed attention, a look of love and desire in his eyes, a great discussion to connect, a lot of physical non-sexual touching first. I needed the emotional connection. He would stay in his post work bubble, barely talking until we get to bed and then he thought physical foreplay would warm me up. But even though he was very dedicated in going down on me first or touching me, it wasn't really working. As PP said, his demand for sex didn't feel like it was about me, he wanted sex, not me, and that was NOT a turn on at all. I actually preferred a rough quickie to be honest (that I would end up enjoying in fact). We ended up separating because of this: he was generally unhappy with what he perceived as lack of love from me, and he cheated on me (which I felt I deserved given how frustrated he was) and I was exhausted by his demands for sex and the continuous pressure I felt, while I was dissatisfied by our level of emotional/intellectual connection.   Classic..

And now.. I am happily married with 2 young kids but a LL DH.. And I  am the one sexually frustrated. Kharma is a bitch ;)

As you asked for advice, here is what I would have needed from my ex-boyfriend, had we stayed together.
 - A frank discussion with a plan/clear goals to find a middle ground between what she wants (once a month), and what you want (once a day). Outside of holidays I would personally go for once a week minimum, twice a week max given workload and kids.  But to each his own.
- An effort to laugh about this. Sex should be fun and relaxed. Pressure kills everything. That's also why so many women end up hating when their husband try to get them in the mood with a back rub, they can feel the pressure to have sex, as many have said it is hard to reach the point when you truly believe your DH is not doing that just to get you to have sex with him. 
- trial period of 2 months, as an "exercise": we have agreed on a once or twice a week objective and we have different exercises:
   1- His exercise is to woe me again, he has to find the time twice a week to talk to me, touch me, have a real diner time conversation with a glass of wine, the whole thing with the expressed understanding that there will be no sex afterwards, even if we both want to, forbidden. 
   2- On my side, I get to pick 2 nights when I will decide to have sex with him, and I have to initiate it. Knowing when and planning for it helps me overcome the tiredness, mental fog and also helps me get ready physically (take a warm shower, being properly groomed, feeling sexy).
The idea is to recreate good habits and break the vicious circle where she feels only the pressure, you feel only the rejection. I would assess regularly how it is going. The goal is not that after one or 2 months she is the only one choosing when to have sex, but that you come both of you to know better what your natural rhythm as a couple could be.

This would have worked for me because I would be dedicated at initiating sex and would play my role well (faking it well if needed, not a problem for me as I eventually get in the mood, it is the beginning that is fake..)

[/quote]

One thing I want to add to my own post: this would work for me only if I set myself clear goals too. My partner tried to stop asking for sex to see if I would initiate instead (as I was complaining he was asking too much). But as I didn't know it was a test I thought it was just a succession of lucky days when I could relax and sleep so I would enjoy them thinking it would end soon with new demands for sex.. had I known he thought of it as a fair deal, I would have made the efforts of initiating as he was hoping[/quote]

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