Looking for constructive feedback from low libido partners

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW with a high libido here, but I turn down sex with my DH. I used to LOVE sex and be very creative and kinky in bed, but I hate the way my DH is in bed. When we first got married I thought that this would change that he just liked to have sex differently than me and we would learn how the other one like it. Was I ever wrong. He is such a great guy otherwise, but now when he touches me sexually it repulses me for some reason. Even if he kisses me. It may sound harsh, but how are you in bed? Would she be able to tell you the truth without crushing you?

If all else fails try counseling, watching porn together, toys, sex clubs, specialty kink clubs, swings, having an open marriage. Please tell her that it's so important that you may want to split because of it.

OP here, I appreciate your thoughts - I have often assumed its something I am doing, so I try to do different things, have bought sex toys, offered to watch porn, change positions. But then imagine how inconsiderate I seem when I am trying to spice things up and have wild, passionate sex when she is just not in the mood and really wants me to be efficient and get it over with.

I would love it if she told me the problem was something I was doing. I would change it up in a heart-beat. Alas, she claims she is just never in the mood. That part has long been unfixable by anything in my control.

I am the DW that commented above that there is nothing you can really do about this. Reread your last sentence. Therein lies your answer...you already know this. So you have three choices...accept the status quo, cheat, or leave. I am in the same boat. After going through a ton of shit on top of the now or low sex business's, after having an emotional affair and one night stand and realizing that was not my answer...and realizing that even after a year of individual (for me) and couples therapy (DH won't go on his own), I have come to realize that this is IT. Either I accept it, or move on and break up my family (we have two young kids). I have decided to stay; but mainly for the kids.

New poster here, married to another low libido spouse. I have also BTDT with the one night stand and somewhat of an emotional affair and its just not worth the risk/hassle (at this point). So I also stay for the kids. What is you coping mechanism so you don't get too bitter with your spouse and enjoy the rest of the marriage? Have you been able to set aside the resentment from the sexual mismatch?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LL wife here. One thing that stuck out immediately from your first post was that your wife is interested in sec on vacation and that very much mirrors our experience. Here's why, my husband tends to take out lots of his workplace stress on me and passive aggressively criticizes my housekeeping (he's very particular) when he's on vacation he another man which loosens me up.
Like others he only touches me when he wants sex and has a history of getting pissed off if we fool around and don't have sex (that was true even in the early days of sex 2x day). Had I been a little older and wiser I would not have stayed in the relationship, we are very incompatible in many ways and our sex life takes the brunt of it.

Have you told your husband point blank that taking his stress out on you, and criticizing you, kills your libido?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't turn her down when she initiates. She's making an effort to make you happy, so please meet her halfway. I agree with increasing the amount of non-sexual touching in your marriage. Sometimes it can feel like sex is something that we give to our partner, and we are already giving so much and we are so tired. If you take the pressure off, she might get into the mood more. Plus, even if you aren't having sex, making contact is good for both of you.

Yes, i really agree with this. You really are asking a lot. Sex is a profession of love as much as anything else. She's offering her body to you in a generous and loving spirit. why is that unattractive?

I think it can really depend here. Sometimes the quicky is an expression of love. Other times, a wife can be hating you with her vagina. Maintenance sex is fine and should be received in the spirit it's given -- e.g. "I'm not up for chasing my orgasm, but I love you and I'm here for you." Pity sex, on the other hand, should be declined and avoided.

My God, that's awesome. It's 10:14 and I do believe you've already won the internet for today.

[Anonymous]

I am the LL spouse and here is my problem. Usually we have limited time for sex, it is late at night, we are both tired, and DH will kiss me for like one minute and then try to rush me into sex. Or he wants me to go oral first since he needs time to recover in order to have intercourse. Not happening. After one minute of half-hearted kissing I'm not going down for a BJ. Sory. It makes me feel like he doesn't really want ME, he just wants a warm body to get off in. He never compliments me on anything - my appearance, my parenting, the shit ton of things I do for my family including bringing home 2/3 of the income or support him in going to grad school, and I generally don't feel like I am ever actually SEEN. Life is busy and we don't have time to connect. I try to initiate a meaningful conversation about something - anything - and it seems like I am annoying him. Libido is as much in the head as anything, and if we're not connecting and I don't feel like he's into me as a person anymore, I'm not really raging to have sex.

And yeah, if you are going to turn her down when she DOES offer well, that's on you, buddy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't turn her down when she initiates. She's making an effort to make you happy, so please meet her halfway. I agree with increasing the amount of non-sexual touching in your marriage. Sometimes it can feel like sex is something that we give to our partner, and we are already giving so much and we are so tired. If you take the pressure off, she might get into the mood more. Plus, even if you aren't having sex, making contact is good for both of you.

Yes, i really agree with this. You really are asking a lot. Sex is a profession of love as much as anything else. She's offering her body to you in a generous and loving spirit. why is that unattractive?

I think it can really depend here. Sometimes the quicky is an expression of love. Other times, a wife can be hating you with her vagina. Maintenance sex is fine and should be received in the spirit it's given -- e.g. "I'm not up for chasing my orgasm, but I love you and I'm here for you." Pity sex, on the other hand, should be declined and avoided.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't turn her down when she initiates. She's making an effort to make you happy, so please meet her halfway. I agree with increasing the amount of non-sexual touching in your marriage. Sometimes it can feel like sex is something that we give to our partner, and we are already giving so much and we are so tired. If you take the pressure off, she might get into the mood more. Plus, even if you aren't having sex, making contact is good for both of you.

Yes, i really agree with this. You really are asking a lot. Sex is a profession of love as much as anything else. She's offering her body to you in a generous and loving spirit. why is that unattractive?

I think its much more about her attitude when she offers her body. It's something on her "to do" list. If the low libido partner has genuine enthusiasm in seeing and helping their partner receive sexual pleasure, that is an assist. If she is lying there disinterested, it is unhelpful and condescending.

The anaolgy would be a low libido male using a vibrator or fingers on his high libido wife while checking ESPN on his phone. I doubt that would count as lovingly giving up his time and body.

Is there any way you could be misinterpreting the disinterest and seeing condescension where there is none?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the LL spouse and here is my problem. Usually we have limited time for sex, it is late at night, we are both tired, and DH will kiss me for like one minute and then try to rush me into sex. Or he wants me to go oral first since he needs time to recover in order to have intercourse. Not happening. After one minute of half-hearted kissing I'm not going down for a BJ. Sory. It makes me feel like he doesn't really want ME, he just wants a warm body to get off in. He never compliments me on anything - my appearance, my parenting, the shit ton of things I do for my family including bringing home 2/3 of the income or support him in going to grad school, and I generally don't feel like I am ever actually SEEN. Life is busy and we don't have time to connect. I try to initiate a meaningful conversation about something - anything - and it seems like I am annoying him. Libido is as much in the head as anything, and if we're not connecting and I don't feel like he's into me as a person anymore, I'm not really raging to have sex.

And yeah, if you are going to turn her down when she DOES offer well, that's on you, buddy.

So do you just masturbate, or are you just asexual mostly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't turn her down when she initiates. She's making an effort to make you happy, so please meet her halfway. I agree with increasing the amount of non-sexual touching in your marriage. Sometimes it can feel like sex is something that we give to our partner, and we are already giving so much and we are so tired. If you take the pressure off, she might get into the mood more. Plus, even if you aren't having sex, making contact is good for both of you.

Yes, i really agree with this. You really are asking a lot. Sex is a profession of love as much as anything else. She's offering her body to you in a generous and loving spirit. why is that unattractive?

I think it can really depend here. Sometimes the quicky is an expression of love. Other times, a wife can be hating you with her vagina. Maintenance sex is fine and should be received in the spirit it's given -- e.g. "I'm not up for chasing my orgasm, but I love you and I'm here for you." Pity sex, on the other hand, should be declined and avoided.

Why?

Masturbation is better than pity sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't turn her down when she initiates. She's making an effort to make you happy, so please meet her halfway. I agree with increasing the amount of non-sexual touching in your marriage. Sometimes it can feel like sex is something that we give to our partner, and we are already giving so much and we are so tired. If you take the pressure off, she might get into the mood more. Plus, even if you aren't having sex, making contact is good for both of you.

Yes, i really agree with this. You really are asking a lot. Sex is a profession of love as much as anything else. She's offering her body to you in a generous and loving spirit. why is that unattractive?

I think it can really depend here. Sometimes the quicky is an expression of love. Other times, a wife can be hating you with her vagina. Maintenance sex is fine and should be received in the spirit it's given -- e.g. "I'm not up for chasing my orgasm, but I love you and I'm here for you." Pity sex, on the other hand, should be declined and avoided.

My God, that's awesome. It's 10:14 and I do believe you've already won the internet for today.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the LL spouse and here is my problem. Usually we have limited time for sex, it is late at night, we are both tired, and DH will kiss me for like one minute and then try to rush me into sex. Or he wants me to go oral first since he needs time to recover in order to have intercourse. Not happening. After one minute of half-hearted kissing I'm not going down for a BJ. Sory. It makes me feel like he doesn't really want ME, he just wants a warm body to get off in. He never compliments me on anything - my appearance, my parenting, the shit ton of things I do for my family including bringing home 2/3 of the income or support him in going to grad school, and I generally don't feel like I am ever actually SEEN. Life is busy and we don't have time to connect. I try to initiate a meaningful conversation about something - anything - and it seems like I am annoying him. Libido is as much in the head as anything, and if we're not connecting and I don't feel like he's into me as a person anymore, I'm not really raging to have sex.

And yeah, if you are going to turn her down when she DOES offer well, that's on you, buddy[u].

+1

[Anonymous]

One thing that strikes me about this thread is the contradiction embodied by the low libido spouses who complain that their higher libido spouses need for sex make them feel objectified as just a "warm body" yet at the same time we're urged to be grateful when that spouse unenthusiastically grants use of that "warm body".

Sorry, folks, but the knowledge that your spouse only wants you maybe once a month or so when the hormones are raging takes a huge toll on the ego and more importantly damages that connection those of us who have higher libido crave.

In my case, knowing my DW only wants me when the hormones are raging actually makes ME feel like the "warm body." We typically have sex 1-2 times per week except during her period and I might get oral when she's on her period. With the exception of the one or two times per month where it's clear she actually wants to have sex I feel like she's thinking of somebody else when we're doing it. For example, she won't make eye contact when we're facing each other...if I catch her eye, she closes her eyes.

I've read enough threads on the explicit board about DWs who pine for former lovers and/or candidly lament that their DH's endowment doesn't "measure up" to their needs that it's hard not to feel pretty hopeless about all this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing that strikes me about this thread is the contradiction embodied by the low libido spouses who complain that their higher libido spouses need for sex make them feel objectified as just a "warm body" yet at the same time we're urged to be grateful when that spouse unenthusiastically grants use of that "warm body".

Sorry, folks, but the knowledge that your spouse only wants you maybe once a month or so when the hormones are raging takes a huge toll on the ego and more importantly damages that connection those of us who have higher libido crave.

In my case, knowing my DW only wants me when the hormones are raging actually makes ME feel like the "warm body." We typically have sex 1-2 times per week except during her period and I might get oral when she's on her period. With the exception of the one or two times per month where it's clear she actually wants to have sex I feel like she's thinking of somebody else when we're doing it. For example, she won't make eye contact when we're facing each other...if I catch her eye, she closes her eyes.

I've read enough threads on the explicit board about DWs who pine for former lovers and/or candidly lament that their DH's endowment doesn't "measure up" to their needs that it's hard not to feel pretty hopeless about all this.

So only the high libido spouse gets to have feelings that are validated? The LL spouse's feelings aren't important enough?

Sorry folks, but the knowledge that your spouse only wants to get off and wants you to act like a semi-pro porn star as you're getting him off, even though you're exhausted from working all day, cleaning up after the kids, making the spouse's dinner, talking to spouse's mother on the phone, etc.. takes a huge toll on the ego and, more importantly, damages the emotional connection those of us who have the lower libido crave.

[Anonymous]

I am the LL spouse and here is my problem. Usually we have limited time for sex, it is late at night, we are both tired, and DH will kiss me for like one minute and then try to rush me into sex. Or he wants me to go oral first since he needs time to recover in order to have intercourse. Not happening. After one minute of half-hearted kissing I'm not going down for a BJ. Sory. It makes me feel like he doesn't really want ME, he just wants a warm body to get off in. He never compliments me on anything - my appearance, my parenting, the shit ton of things I do for my family including bringing home 2/3 of the income or support him in going to grad school, and I generally don't feel like I am ever actually SEEN. Life is busy and we don't have time to connect. I try to initiate a meaningful conversation about something - anything - and it seems like I am annoying him. Libido is as much in the head as anything, and if we're not connecting and I don't feel like he's into me as a person anymore, I'm not really raging to have sex.

A

How much of these things do you do for him? It seems to be a one way street with you....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing that strikes me about this thread is the contradiction embodied by the low libido spouses who complain that their higher libido spouses need for sex make them feel objectified as just a "warm body" yet at the same time we're urged to be grateful when that spouse unenthusiastically grants use of that "warm body".

Sorry, folks, but the knowledge that your spouse only wants you maybe once a month or so when the hormones are raging takes a huge toll on the ego and more importantly damages that connection those of us who have higher libido crave.

In my case, knowing my DW only wants me when the hormones are raging actually makes ME feel like the "warm body." We typically have sex 1-2 times per week except during her period and I might get oral when she's on her period. With the exception of the one or two times per month where it's clear she actually wants to have sex I feel like she's thinking of somebody else when we're doing it. For example, she won't make eye contact when we're facing each other...if I catch her eye, she closes her eyes.

I've read enough threads on the explicit board about DWs who pine for former lovers and/or candidly lament that their DH's endowment doesn't "measure up" to their needs that it's hard not to feel pretty hopeless about all this.

So only the high libido spouse gets to have feelings that are validated? The LL spouse's feelings aren't important enough?

Sorry folks, but the knowledge that your spouse only wants to get off and wants you to act like a semi-pro porn star as you're getting him off, even though you're exhausted from working all day, cleaning up after the kids, making the spouse's dinner, talking to spouse's mother on the phone, etc.. takes a huge toll on the ego and, more importantly, damages the emotional connection those of us who have the lower libido crave.

I have to assume this is a specific reference to your own situation because it's certainly not something you should have concluded from the post you quote. Like most HD spouses, if I "just want to get off" I will do it myself. The seething resentment you exhibit is why so many of us would rather do that than "force" our LD spouses into "duty sex."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing that strikes me about this thread is the contradiction embodied by the low libido spouses who complain that their higher libido spouses need for sex make them feel objectified as just a "warm body" yet at the same time we're urged to be grateful when that spouse unenthusiastically grants use of that "warm body".

Sorry, folks, but the knowledge that your spouse only wants you maybe once a month or so when the hormones are raging takes a huge toll on the ego and more importantly damages that connection those of us who have higher libido crave.

In my case, knowing my DW only wants me when the hormones are raging actually makes ME feel like the "warm body." We typically have sex 1-2 times per week except during her period and I might get oral when she's on her period. With the exception of the one or two times per month where it's clear she actually wants to have sex I feel like she's thinking of somebody else when we're doing it. For example, she won't make eye contact when we're facing each other...if I catch her eye, she closes her eyes.

I've read enough threads on the explicit board about DWs who pine for former lovers and/or candidly lament that their DH's endowment doesn't "measure up" to their needs that it's hard not to feel pretty hopeless about all this.

So only the high libido spouse gets to have feelings that are validated? The LL spouse's feelings aren't important enough?

Sorry folks, but the knowledge that your spouse only wants to get off and wants you to act like a semi-pro porn star as you're getting him off, even though you're exhausted from working all day, cleaning up after the kids, making the spouse's dinner, talking to spouse's mother on the phone, etc.. takes a huge toll on the ego and, more importantly, damages the emotional connection those of us who have the lower libido crave.

OP here - I think both points of view are valid.

I was talking with a friend who is a marriage counselor, and she said differences is sex drives and libido along with money as the number one problem in marriage break-ups. I asked if counseling would help, her take was that it might if there is underlying resentment from the low libido spouse that may be keeping the desire for sex quashed (as may be the case from the poster above). But, she said that long term differences in libido usually undermine a marriage to the point of infidelity, divorce, or hardening resentment, and that individual counseling might be a better first approach to deal with internalizing feelings of rejection.

All very depressing options, honestly. I love my DW and I wish she and I could have found more compatible spouses. If we didn't have kids, it would be so much easier to just accept that our relationship has run its course and with each other well. But we have kids and will try to make the best of it.

Thanks for all of the suggestions and points of view.