Looking for constructive feedback from low libido partners

[Anonymous]

I am hoping this doesn't devolve into a shouting match or war of the sexes.

My DW and I have had libido differences since the kids came along. The youngest is in kindergarten, the older two are approaching middle school. My DW is not asexual or a lesbian, but she isn't in the mood unless we are on vacation or if all the stars just happen to align when we are at home. This results in mutually satisfying sex about 1-2x per month. We have tried "solutions" from giving her more free time, wine, porn, sex toys, getting off hormonal birth control, but no improvement. I have come around to accept that this is just how she is and it isn't going to change, or at least I can't expect it to change.

Our latest compromise was her telling me just to have sex with her regardless whether she was in the mood. We tried that, and I was hopeful she would get in the mood once we start. She doesn't, or rarely does. She basically lies there, unemotional and takes one for the team. She swears she doesn't mind, and she tells me it makes her feel good about the fact she is able to give pleasure to her husband whom she professes to love.

I hate it. The only thing that makes me feel less attractive than rejection is having sex with a disinterested spouse. I would much rather masturbate. So I have stopped initiating all together, and we are back to having sex, decent sex, once a month or so. But the other 29 nights of the month, there is this awkwardness where we seem to dance around the issue of whether I am going to ask her to have sex. She occasionally throws it out there in a half hearted way that she has time for that if I want it.

Last night, she asked me if I wanted to have sex with her, and it was obvious she was just going to take one for the team. I declined, politely. It lead to a conversation where I tried to honestly convey that I would rather solo pleasure than have sex with her when she isn't in the mood. She was very hurt, and thinks were awkward this morning.

I am hoping to get some advice from people in the lower libido category. How can I express to my DW that I don't want to have sex with her without making her feel like she is a bad wife? That I understand she is who she is and it is preferable to masturbate than have sex with her (even typing that sounds cold).

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I would tell her that she should initiate anytime she wants to have sex, and you will be an active and happy participant, but that part of your desire is to pleasure her, so her just lying there isn't satisfying for you.

[Anonymous]

I'm a DW and the lower libido spouse in my relationship. I do think your wife should be making more of an effort - just lying there during sex is not cool. I found that once my husband and I got into a groove of more sex (twice a week), that I started wanting it more. It's getting over the initial hurdle that's tough. What worked for us was my husband offering lots of physical affection but upfront saying that he wasn't looking for sex. That took the pressure off and let me relax, which ultimately led me to want to have sex. But you have to be completely genuine that you're not looking for sex at that moment. Here's what worked for us:

- DH giving full body massage. I had to get naked but he didn't want sex. Just wanted to give me a good massage and get to touch my body. Win-win. Most times, after being touched while naked and completely relaxed, I was begging him for sex.

- DH saying he just wanted to make out a bit. It was fun to feel like teenagers just kissing. But of course, that does awaken things.

The key is to truly convince her that you're not just trying to get sex though. Hope this helps!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and the lower libido spouse in my relationship. I do think your wife should be making more of an effort - just lying there during sex is not cool. I found that once my husband and I got into a groove of more sex (twice a week), that I started wanting it more. It's getting over the initial hurdle that's tough. What worked for us was my husband offering lots of physical affection but upfront saying that he wasn't looking for sex. That took the pressure off and let me relax, which ultimately led me to want to have sex. But you have to be completely genuine that you're not looking for sex at that moment. Here's what worked for us:

- DH giving full body massage. I had to get naked but he didn't want sex. Just wanted to give me a good massage and get to touch my body. Win-win. Most times, after being touched while naked and completely relaxed, I was begging him for sex.

- DH saying he just wanted to make out a bit. It was fun to feel like teenagers just kissing. But of course, that does awaken things.

The key is to truly convince her that you're not just trying to get sex though. Hope this helps!

This is excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

Both need to be considerate of the other's needs and space. A middle ground should be worked out here. Shows
that at least both are willing to work at it.

[Anonymous]

Try helping around the house a bit - do some chores without being asked, do some of your spouse's chores, help kids with homework or music lessons, come home early to help out around the house, fix something your spouse has been asking you to fix or you know needs fixing... I know if feel a lot more libidinous if I am feeling respected by a family that chips in without me asking.

[Anonymous]

Don't turn down your DW when she offers to have sex. Even if she isn't really in the mood, she is making a huge effort in initiating. Say yes and hope she gets into the mood as you go at it.

Now, to be completely honest, ask yourself and your DW if your skills in the lovemaking department are really adequate. I was a low libido spouse and am now divorced. I did not have much experience before getting married. It turns out that I am not as low libido as I thought I was -- I just hadn't ever had really great sex.

After 22 years of marriage, I am now dating and my libido is definitely not low. I am learning now that my ex was well-meaning and well endowed, but terrible in bed. I don't think that most men can imagine that they might not be great lovers, but I suggest reading a few books and watching some movies to learn a few new techniques. (Tell your wife you are reading some books and want to try a few things so that she doesn't suspect that you learned them while you were out cheating on her).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try helping around the house a bit - do some chores without being asked, do some of your spouse's chores, help kids with homework or music lessons, come home early to help out around the house, fix something your spouse has been asking you to fix or you know needs fixing... I know if feel a lot more libidinous if I am feeling respected by a family that chips in without me asking.

People say this all the time but I don't know if it's true in all cases. I'm the LL spouse and, like a PP said, this is a situation that becomes a pressure cooker. Taking the pressure off is helpful. My DH doesn't like to settle for just "any sex." Like OP, he wants mutual satisfaction all the time. Well, that's just not going to happen. I've asked and asked if he could just have a quickie every now and then to fulfill his needs and ensure that he knows that I love him (I don't just lay there but it's obvious I don't cum). He can't stand it. He wants us both to have luxurious sex whenever we do it. Since I can't fulfill that need, it becomes a problem. Him unloading the dishwasher isn't going to help.

Sometimes I get upset that it's always seemingly my fault. Like I'm somehow to blame because I have a lower libido than he does. That adds to the resentment because, even though he tries not to bug me all the time, he is obviously frustrated. There is a lot of heavy sighing and flipping in the covers when he realizes that I'm falling asleep or too amped up about something else to have sex that night. He suffers from insomnia when he is sexually frustrated so I offer (and offer and offer) to have sex but unless I'm up for anything and everything, he declines and stays frustrated. To say it's a pressure cooker may even be an understatement. But, I just can't love to have sex at the same rate he does.


All this to say: I'm sorry OP. You could be my DH for all I know. Even down to the 5 year old kid. Your wife loves you, which is why she offers to have sex with you. She knows you need it and she's doing her best to fulfill your needs. By releasing any of the tension in the room, you're trying to fulfill hers. If I had the magic bullet, I'd use it, but honestly, both partners have to meet in the middle. I think that means quickies, when offered, should be taken advantage of and, to some extent, appreciated. I can't condone just lying there but know she's trying...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try helping around the house a bit - do some chores without being asked, do some of your spouse's chores, help kids with homework or music lessons, come home early to help out around the house, fix something your spouse has been asking you to fix or you know needs fixing... I know if feel a lot more libidinous if I am feeling respected by a family that chips in without me asking.

Why do you assume he doesn't help around the house? Why is this clichéd response always trotted out in these threads?

[Anonymous]

Lower libido wife here -- really sorry you're in this situation, OP. It is tough, all the way around, and there may be no way to express what you want to express without hurting your wife -- if she loves you, she's likely already upset that she's not giving you what you need, and you'll only be confirming for her that she's not good enough. As the lower libido spouse, I found it exhausting just thinking about trying to keep up with DH, let alone actually trying to keep up with him, and I was sad/frustrated about that all the time. So when he pointed out his unhappiness, it often only compounded my own.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't keep trying, just at some point know that whatever you say aside from -- I'm truly totally happy with 1-2 times a month! -- is probably not going to go over well, at least initially. My DH and I have had a number of difficult conversations over the past few years since having kids, and have both had to make adjustments and compromises to get to a place where we're happy most of the time. We're never going to have as much sex as he wants to have, but we have a lot more of it a lot more regularly than we ever used to (3x week). My advice is to keep talking to your wife, and really try to figure out what the roadblock is in terms of her being an active/willing participant on those days she's just there for you. On some level, she has to know that laying there like she's doing you a favor by providing an orifice is not satisfying for you, and is not really an act of love and commitment on her part.

[Anonymous]

Don't turn her down when she initiates. She's making an effort to make you happy, so please meet her halfway. I agree with increasing the amount of non-sexual touching in your marriage. Sometimes it can feel like sex is something that we give to our partner, and we are already giving so much and we are so tired. If you take the pressure off, she might get into the mood more. Plus, even if you aren't having sex, making contact is good for both of you.

[Anonymous]

I don't know so excuse me if this seems to be a dumb question. If you have low libido are not able to perform other sexual task besides intercourse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know so excuse me if this seems to be a dumb question. If you have low libido are not able to perform other sexual task besides intercourse.

No and I'm working on increasing that too. But, DH knows that I don't get off on performing those tasks so it is something he "puts up with." Kind of cuts into the motivation level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try helping around the house a bit - do some chores without being asked, do some of your spouse's chores, help kids with homework or music lessons, come home early to help out around the house, fix something your spouse has been asking you to fix or you know needs fixing... I know if feel a lot more libidinous if I am feeling respected by a family that chips in without me asking.

People say this all the time but I don't know if it's true in all cases. I'm the LL spouse and, like a PP said, this is a situation that becomes a pressure cooker. Taking the pressure off is helpful. My DH doesn't like to settle for just "any sex." Like OP, he wants mutual satisfaction all the time. Well, that's just not going to happen. I've asked and asked if he could just have a quickie every now and then to fulfill his needs and ensure that he knows that I love him (I don't just lay there but it's obvious I don't cum). He can't stand it. He wants us both to have luxurious sex whenever we do it. Since I can't fulfill that need, it becomes a problem. Him unloading the dishwasher isn't going to help.

Sometimes I get upset that it's always seemingly my fault. Like I'm somehow to blame because I have a lower libido than he does. That adds to the resentment because, even though he tries not to bug me all the time, he is obviously frustrated. There is a lot of heavy sighing and flipping in the covers when he realizes that I'm falling asleep or too amped up about something else to have sex that night. He suffers from insomnia when he is sexually frustrated so I offer (and offer and offer) to have sex but unless I'm up for anything and everything, he declines and stays frustrated. To say it's a pressure cooker may even be an understatement. But, I just can't love to have sex at the same rate he does.


All this to say: I'm sorry OP. You could be my DH for all I know. Even down to the 5 year old kid. Your wife loves you, which is why she offers to have sex with you. She knows you need it and she's doing her best to fulfill your needs. By releasing any of the tension in the room, you're trying to fulfill hers. If I had the magic bullet, I'd use it, but honestly, both partners have to meet in the middle. I think that means quickies, when offered, should be taken advantage of and, to some extent, appreciated. I can't condone just lying there but know she's trying...

OP here - I really appreciate your thoughts. Two questions to you or anyone else with similar perspectives:

1) would the advice upstream help, i.e. doing physical things without the expectation of sex - kissing, massages, etc? Or would that make you feel even more touched out?
2) I know that feeling of feeling restless and insomniac without sexual release. Sometimes I want to be very frank when the children go to bed and just say to my wife - "I am going to the bedroom to masturbate for 20 minutes so I can relax and actually talk to you without stewing in frustration - but I don't want you to feel the need to join." Is that type of message to crude or direct?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't turn down your DW when she offers to have sex. Even if she isn't really in the mood, she is making a huge effort in initiating. Say yes and hope she gets into the mood as you go at it.

Now, to be completely honest, ask yourself and your DW if your skills in the lovemaking department are really adequate. I was a low libido spouse and am now divorced. I did not have much experience before getting married. It turns out that I am not as low libido as I thought I was -- I just hadn't ever had really great sex.

After 22 years of marriage, I am now dating and my libido is definitely not low. I am learning now that my ex was well-meaning and well endowed, but terrible in bed. I don't think that most men can imagine that they might not be great lovers, but I suggest reading a few books and watching some movies to learn a few new techniques. (Tell your wife you are reading some books and want to try a few things so that she doesn't suspect that you learned them while you were out cheating on her).

Pls recommend movies and books!