Is this appropriate?

[Anonymous]

OP here - and while I do blame my DH, I also blame her. I mean, what kind of woman pursues a married man like that? When I was single, I never, ever pursued close "friendships" with married family men. I think DH was hurting and she took advantage of this big time. Their calls were kept secret from me. When I talked to her on the phone and I mentioned the "coffee date", she said, Well you were welcome to come along..and I said, Um, I wasn't invited and my kids were in bed and I couldn't leave the house. And I said to her, all your calls were lengthy and kept secret from me. And I will never get her breathy "hi!" out of my head when I called her from our home phone. That sparkly "hi!" was not the hello of a woman who was only interested in him as a friend. Also, they used to work together until about 7 years ago and DH told me that she told him that she always thought of him as a "good guy" because of a favor he did for her at work long ago. Things got renewed when she went out with him and a whole group of coworkers about 2 years ago. So, I do think she was pursuing him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - things are much better. I am sort of proud of myself for calling her and telling her to leave him alone. the one friend I have been confiding in said to me - good for you; that was right out of a Hallmark movie. DH said he was humiliated by me calling her but understands now that she was a threat to me. The article on "emotional affairs" that I sent him really resonated with him. DH has sworn up and down that things never got physical. I guess I do believe him. He has apologized some more. He cut off all contact - and says he won't even politely reply if she contacts him again. Also, the point I made to him about - why was she allowed to call him at any time but I can't bug him by calling him on his commute home - was such a good point. He totally got that (thanks to DCUM) and realized he should be more available to me and that he was "oversharing" with her. Of course, I spent about 12 hours yesterday googling her and making myself crazy but I have had about 3 long discussions with dH since our 3rd counseling session and even though he did not want to, and he intially refused to talk about her anymore, he now has been answering my questions, such as "Why did you call her at 9 p.m. for 45 minutes?" did you go out to the garage to do that?? etc etc. So I think I have asked most of my questions. And he has answered most of them. My main questions were - how can I be sure you did not see her in person very often? And why did you talk to her by phone for 45 minutes every day? what the heck did you talk about? I guess they talked about all sorts of stuff (mostly me but also her work problems) and he gets now that he was withdrawn and uncommunicative with me because he was so chatty with her. this hurts but he gets it now that it was a betrayal.

Why do you really believe DH did not screw her? Why won't he let you read the emails? I am sure there were tons of text messages too. Google for a phone text message recovery program, it will retrieve deleted text messages from a phone's memory. When he goes to sleep, attach his phone to the computer and retrieve his deleted texts. That should be eye opening.

Finally, ask him to take a lie detector test. They cost about $350. The truth will set you free.

[Anonymous]

OP here...While I do want to read the emails and texts, I am worried that he layed out his plan to leave me and he layed out all his criticisms of me...I think he does not want to admit this. I think it may be more destructive to us moving forward if I read all about his plan to divorce me. He swears "Jane" never encouraged him to leave me; that she encouraged him to seek counseling with me. But I really suspect that their lengthy calls where about him coming up with a plan. So I don't want to read about that. I do want to know for sure if they had a physical relationship, but he does seem sincere when he says they did not. Of course, I am not positive. He was home at night and on weekends. It would have had to occur during the day in the city. Nothign is amiss with our credit card. I guess he could have gone over to her condo. He swears he does not even know where she lives.

[Anonymous]

Y'all gonna be fighting for months over this shit even if the broad is out of the picture. The worst is yet to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Y'all gonna be fighting for months over this shit even if the broad is out of the picture. The worst is yet to come.

OP, I'm having a hard time believing that this is the end of the story for you. What are you most afraid of here? That he will indeed leave you at some point, you will have to divorce him, you will have to live on your own as the primary caregiver for three small children, you will not have enough money, he will move on and marry Jane, have a kid with her, etc? From what you've told us, this isn't just he goes to lunch with a good-looking coworker and you're pissed and he apologizes and that's it.

Sure, you're mad at her, but he opened the door for her as well. She has very little to lose here. She's divorced herself, unhappy and it makes her feel good to ruin your marriage. But your husband responded to her and let this all start. He's not some poor guy who was seduced here and now he needs you to snap him out of the spell. you really feel like spending the rest of your life standing over him with a rolling pin?

You said you're worried that he had a plan to leave you... the only reason he hasn't is because leaving you would be a massive pain in the a$$. He wants his cake and to eat it too. Lots of guys cheat, but they want to keep the status quo. That's why so many women who think the married guy they're having an affair with with leave their wives and kids for them are sorely mistaken. He could drag this out for years. Eventually Jane would get tired of it, but as long as she's not in love with a better and truly available man, she'll go along with it.

[Anonymous]

OP please stop making excuses for your husband. Clearly you do not want to know the whole truth. If YOU really want this marriage to survive, then take off the blinders.

I can't believe you are giving into him and not demanding that he give you access to his emails. That is the only way he would be 100% truthful to you. Otherwise, with his "locked up" computers, he'll continue to communicate with this woman -I guarantee it.

And - you will be walking on eggshells all the time wondering what exactly is on his computer...if he's still communicating with her or not, and it will continue to drive you INSANE.

If I were you, I would not believe a damn word he has said. I would hire PI to follow him, and find out the real story. Even if he isn't having a physical affair, I have no doubt he will continue the emotional one. I would demand access to everything - you might as well know all the shit he was saying about you so you know what kind of husband you are really dealing with.

And PS why exactly are you proud of yourself for calling her? She doesn't give a shit about you and will continue this relationship as long as your husband can get away with it.

That good feeling you have from getting your feelings off your chest by calling her up has probably already worn off. It didn't do a damn thing. She's probably emailing him right now.....

[Anonymous]

I don't think OP wants to know the truth. She's perfectly content believing what her husband is telling her and thinking their marriage is going to be great from now on. Sad really....

[Anonymous]

OP, he is having an affair. Whether they've slept together or not doesn't really matter--although I really can't imagine a man planning to leave his wife for his emotional affair before they've had sex. Sorry.

You seem to be comforted by the shred of truth he's giving you. And yes, he may end it all now. But for you both to move on and make your marriage deeper, stronger, you MUST know the truth. You have to know and he has to tell you. If he is not willing to share his emails, then he's still covering up and lying. By reading about his plans to leave you, you're worried...what? that you'll actually know the truth about what is going on? That you'll have to remove the blinders you are wearing? that you will actually access what I imagine is a deep, deep well of anger and pain and betrayal that you are doing a pretty good job of temporarily repressing?

I don't mean to be harsh but...if he can do this now, and get off scot free (more or less) what's to stop him from doing it again? Whats to stop you from wondering forever if he's honest? What's going to get both of you to address the critical issues in your marriage? Do you really want to live side by side, not knowing what the other person is really thinking or feeling? Maybe he sought an emotional affair because there's a lack of emotional intimacy in your marriage because you're both too scared to address things head on? (Note I am not blaming you or the marriage for his affair, but am trying to figure out what might be one of the drivers, for him).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - things are much better. DH has sworn up and down that things never got physical.

oh OP that is what my cheating ex said after he was caught too, I so wanted to believe this to but then I tested positive for Chlamydia...please take care of yourself, no matter what you decide to do

[Anonymous]

OP, please keep your guard up.

You definitely should insist on seeing those emails and texts. HE broke your trust; it is HIS responsibility to rebuild it. He closed doors in your marriage and opened windows to her. You are not only allowed but entitled to know exactly what his relationship with her was.

Moreover, in one week, search his car for the secret cell phone.

[Anonymous]

I am the BTDT EA poster who went through all this, and it was an EA rather than a PA. But I didn't believe that until my DH showed me all the emails that they had exchanged. There was a lot of talk of keeping things at the friendship level because he said he was going to stay married, and she refused to be his mistress.

He thought telling me and showing me everything would make it worse for him, because I would have confirmation of how inappropriate their relationship was. He finally did show me everything after I told him that I thought I could recover from anything, but that I needed to know what I was recovering from.

[Anonymous]

People who do not want to know the truth are doomed to fail.

[Anonymous]

The simple answer is that if he wants your marriage to get through whatever it is going through, he needs to put his woman on hold, at the very least, and focus his emotional energies and all of his attention on your marriage. She is a distration that will not allow your marriage to heal. Once your marriage is healed, if you can get there, then you can discuss whether he can see her again, but he should agree to tell you in advance about every time he sees her.

I wouldn't worry about what has happened in the past, let go of whatever is in his email or texts. If you want to fight over those things, you have already lost. You may need to decide whether or not you care if he did have an affair. If you want your marriage to succeed, this is your first step. Then work to respolve it.

[Anonymous]

PP, this does nothing to confirm that he is still not seeing her. Second, he can never, ever, see her again if the marriage is to be saved. That is like telling a recovering alcoholic that someday he can have a "little" to drink, but he must tell you first. The woman is a cancer on the marriage and no dose, no matter how small can be allowed, ever.

Best bet is to follow Reagan's advice, trust, but verify. This means a lot of snooping, tracking (put a tracker in his car), spending time together all the time, etc. Even then, I don't trust this guy to stay faithful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, please keep your guard up.

You definitely should insist on seeing those emails and texts. HE broke your trust; it is HIS responsibility to rebuild it. He closed doors in your marriage and opened windows to her. You are not only allowed but entitled to know exactly what his relationship with her was.

Moreover, in one week, search his car for the secret cell phone.

He locked his car doors in our garage! That was one of the things I pointed out to him -- why is your car locked when it is in the locked garage?? He said - oh, it locks automatically. I was like - no it doesn't. So he has stopped locking the car. I will check on this.

I called the phone company and I can't obtain the texts..they don't save those. And by coincidence, his main phone "died" a couple of weeks ago (in the middle of all this emotion) and so he switched to a smart phone (that locks)...I know this all sounds bad. Anyhow, he gave his old "regular cell" phone to our oldest child as a toy. I wonder if I can still access old texts on the old phone. I think he stripped it back to factory settings.

I told him about this message board (not the name of it but the fact that I have been seeking advice) and I said, everyone thinks you are pulling the wool over my eyes. He said - those people don't know what they are talking about. One thing that may keep him honest is that his current co-worker and very good friend - a nice longtime married man who I trust - now know all about "jane" and I suspect this male coworker will keep my DH on the straight and arrow. This co-worker is the one who recommended the counselor and I trust that he is an advocate for us staying together. DH told him that I called "jane" and he thought that was okay.