Is this appropriate?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I am the one who wrote about a month ago about that my DH suddenly told me he was unhappy and wanted to go to counseling.
Now after two sessions and many questions, he admits that he has been having lunch with an old coworker - a single pretty woman. I do not think this is appropriate. He says they are just friends and have lunch about 1 - 2 times per month. Also, about two years ago, she visited our house with her dogs, which I thought was odd. It was as if she wanted to meet me and our children and "check out" our house and family. Then last fall, she texted him and said she was in our town (she lives an hour away) and asked him to meet for coffee at 9 p.m. I said to my dH - are you going on a date??? in a sort of joking manner. It was odd and I was a little bit upset. I would never ever invite a married family man out for coffee on a weeknight at 9 p.m. and not include the wife. DH says at their last lunch, they confided in each other that he is having marital problems and she and her boyfriend are having problems. I told him this was not appropriate at all and he should not be having lunch with her or confiding in her. Also, he kept these lunches a secret from me. Are they just friends? It this appropriate?(he is never away on weekends or overnight.) |
Anonymous
|
This is not appropriate.
Here's the test for "appropriate": if DH is perfectly fine bringing you along on these "dates" and having conversations with this person with you sitting right there and fine with you looking over his shoulder while he is texting, then he's got nothing to hide. But the second it becomes something that cannot happen if you are present, then he has crossed the line. |
Anonymous
| What exactly is the part you find inappropriate? That your DH has coffee with a friend of the opposite sex? That he talks to her about marital issues? I don't think either of those are that unusual or problematic in & of themselves. But you clearly aren't comfortable with their relationship, so I suppose it's your prerogative to ask him to stop. |
Anonymous
|
Nope, not appropriate since you TOLD DH this isn't appropriate and he is ignoring you.
Sorry, they are probably already involved. |
Anonymous
\ I don't know about that. My take away from it is that her husband has already said he's unhappy in the marriage and probably is now more unhappy now this his wife is telling him he can't be friends with someone of the opposite sex. OP seems to overreact (thinking the reason she came to the house was to scope out the kids/her) and I don't know what I would do in her husband's position but I can't imagine it would really make me want to try to make the marriage work. |
Anonymous
| OP, I think you know the answer to this... |
Anonymous
|
If he is serious about working on issues with you, then he would not be dating this woman. Which, he needs to be real, is exactly what he's doing.
I would consider it inappropriate. And I say that as someone who's not an uptight or jealous or sensitive sort. |
Anonymous
Husband says he's unhappy and it takes TWO therapy sessions to finally say he has been having lunch with some woman that is neither family nor a co-worker??? Come on PP. When people are doing something appropriate, they don't wait until therapy to tell their spouse about it. |
Anonymous
| No, not appropriate. He's likely having at least an emotional affair, if not on its way to physical. |
Anonymous
|
Well I would not be ok with my DH having women as close friends where he discusses marital issues and goes out for coffee at 9pm at night. No way. I get me a men women can be friends. I get it. But she's not your friend nor do you really know her. So that's wierd. And honestly does he have time for coffee dates with you? I would hope they haven't crossed the line but I wouldn't be surprised if they are thinking about each other.
My DH jokes about his work wife. Some chick in his age group who he's close to, and colleagues kid is his work wife. I'm secure with that. But we also don't have marital problems. But if those two started hanging out outside of work and texting, calling and privately I'd be suspicious. |
Anonymous
| Their friendship is inappropriate. And dh should care if you don't want him to see her. |
Anonymous
|
OP,
Ask him to cut to the chase. It sounds like a slow breakup. So sorry. |
Anonymous
| It's not appropriate, OP. It's an emotional affair. |
Anonymous
|
This woman is probably why your H is 'suddenly unhappy' with your relationship. Of course his dates with her are inappropriate. Of course he would not admit that--not until he is ready to divorce you. He is cheating, he does not have to express guilt for it to be true.
What are you going to do about it? |
Anonymous
| OP here - thank you for the responses. At our first session, I said to DH - are you having an affair? Is it Jane? And he said No, but he did not reveal the lunches. Today, when I asked him again - in a more specific way - I said - are you interested in someone else - such as Jane? Do you have lunch with Jane? Then he admitted he does have lunch with her and he has for a while. I said - why didn't you ever reveal this to me? he said, I thought you would get upset. I said, well, I'm upset that it is a secret. he said, It is not a secret. I said, Well, I ask you who you went to lunch with almost every day and he always lists various men coworkers who I know too...but yet he never mentioned this woman...And it was devastating/interesting to me that he knew I would be upset even though I only asked about an affair within the last few weeks yet this lunches have been going on for a year or so. He claims it is all innnocent and he is allowed a female friend, but I say - he was very secretive about it and he should not be discussing our marital problems with her. Previously he admitted he discussed our issues with two men coworkers who I like and trust (nice older marreid men) and I was okay with that. I have only discussed our issues with my mother. |