Is this appropriate?

[Anonymous]

OP, you're still in denial. I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been through it, and the only way to clear things up and start rebuilding (if possible) is total disclosure and transparency on his side. If he's still got one foot out the door and one eye on another woman, you'll get nowhere.

There's no rebuilding if he's still hiding things or invested in another woman. You can't trust him and he does not put you first. Remember, he lied to you about seeing her and he suggested you and his children move out of your home. Does that sound like someone who's got your best interest at heart or someone you should be trusting at this point?

[Anonymous]

This is so painful to witness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - and while I do blame my DH, I also blame her. I mean, what kind of woman pursues a married man like that?

I understand this feeling OP, but it doesn't come from a rationale place. When posters here keep mentioning you are in denial this post makes that glaringly obvious. Like I said, I understand women like this are damaged and who the hell do they think they are? but in the end it ALL comes down to you DH and not her. I absolutely hate it when the Other Women come onto threads like these, defending their actions saying "we didn't take vows, he did"- it doesn't make it okay but there is truth in it- SHE owes you nothing, your husband does... anything else is just an excuse to forgive him (which I also understand why you want to, when I was cheated on a wasted almost a year believing his bullshit apologies, half-truths, and platitudes.)

Please OP, it is hard for you to see the forrest through the trees here because you are so entrenched- but don't be so easily swayed it will hurt even more knowing you let it drag on...

[Anonymous]

You mentioned the locked car doors?? Now he knows that you suspect he is hiding something in his car.

You have got to stop telling him everything. He is your enemy, not your friend. And now he will search your computer history and see all the advice you got.

Big mistake.

[Anonymous]

The fact is that he was ready to move you and your kids out if the house just a few days ago. That's huge.
Absolutely huge. Things aren't even close to being okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please keep your guard up.

You definitely should insist on seeing those emails and texts. HE broke your trust; it is HIS responsibility to rebuild it. He closed doors in your marriage and opened windows to her. You are not only allowed but entitled to know exactly what his relationship with her was.

Moreover, in one week, search his car for the secret cell phone.

He locked his car doors in our garage! That was one of the things I pointed out to him -- why is your car locked when it is in the locked garage?? He said - oh, it locks automatically. I was like - no it doesn't. So he has stopped locking the car. I will check on this.

I called the phone company and I can't obtain the texts..they don't save those. And by coincidence, his main phone "died" a couple of weeks ago (in the middle of all this emotion) and so he switched to a smart phone (that locks)...I know this all sounds bad. Anyhow, he gave his old "regular cell" phone to our oldest child as a toy. I wonder if I can still access old texts on the old phone. I think he stripped it back to factory settings.

I told him about this message board (not the name of it but the fact that I have been seeking advice) and I said, everyone thinks you are pulling the wool over my eyes. He said - those people don't know what they are talking about. One thing that may keep him honest is that his current co-worker and very good friend - a nice longtime married man who I trust - now know all about "jane" and I suspect this male coworker will keep my DH on the straight and arrow. This co-worker is the one who recommended the counselor and I trust that he is an advocate for us staying together. DH told him that I called "jane" and he thought that was okay.

Oh come on. It doesn't matter if you have a coworker and other people in your corner rooting for your marriage. Your DH and how he's making you feel and his dishonesty are all that matter here. If you need to hope for the help of a coworker to keep your DH in line, all is lost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact is that he was ready to move you and your kids out if the house just a few days ago. That's huge.
Absolutely huge. Things aren't even close to being okay.

This would be the absolute deal breaker for me. The fact that he wanted to kick his own three young children out of their home in order to more conveniently conduct this affair speaks volumes about him as a father and husband.

I'm so sorry, OP. Rip his balls out.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have friends or family who you can confide in? I know I might seem easier to keep this all in, but I just think that us strangers here on the internet rooting for you are not enough support.

You are falling back into the habit of trying to get the support you need from a cheating/manipulative husband- trust me he is out for HIS best interest here and not yours. You need someone in your corner who knows you and can hold you accountable for yourself (meaning they won't let you destroy yourself trying to mend something that might not be fixable.)

[Anonymous]

OP, please, please, please. I know it seems as if we are beating up on you, but really, we all want the best for you. This is tough love.

Try thinking of your DH this way. His brain has been eaten by a zombie. The zombie husband wants what he wants. He cares nothing about you right now. Proof? He called Jane to apologize for your actions.

He is saying words to soothe you while he figures out how he can keep both you and Jane for now.

[Anonymous]

1. How did he return the old phone to factory settings if it was dead? Take that phone to one of the places advertising on the web that can retrieve old phone messages, etc. They are all over.

2. Why did you corner him about locking his car? Wait until he goes to bed, get up, unlock the car a search it. Now what was there is not there any more.

3. Look at his cell phone bill. It should show text messages separate from phone calls. How many were sent to her number?

4. When he is at work take his computer to a computer store and tell them you lost the password. They will reset it. Take it home, hook it up, and learn the truth.

Posters are right, quit telegraphing your moves. He is sly, but really dumb. Anyone that has an affair with their personal cell phone is destined to be caught, even Tiger Woods was nailed that way.

[Anonymous]

oh, and another thing, assume he is reading this board because you tipped him off on that too.

[Anonymous]

Omg, OP. Of course they had sex. What man is going to continue a months long "emotional" affair with a woman he is able to see. I am sure they had sex on their coffee date and are def sexting. You seem to believe it was a coincidence that his phone died just after this blew up and he got a new one that locked. How can you think everything is going to be okay when he was just telling you to move out and take the kids with you?

You need to go through your finances NOW. Make copies of everything- bank accounts, retirement accounts, stocks, deeds, past tax returns, his pay stubs, everything. Give them to a friend to keep for you.

The co-worker will not keep him from cheating. In fact, I would stop talking to his co-workers about this. You need for him to keep his good job if he needs to pay child support later.

Your husband does not care that Jane is nutso. He does not care that she is bad with her finances. He is not thinking about this- he looooves her.

You need to check his email and texts. He has not earned the right to privacy if he wants to continue this marriage. Can you guess his email password or answer to the secret question? What will you do if you find he has been physical with her?

Please keep us updated OP. I want to be your friend IRL.

[Anonymous]

Do not move out of the house. When things get bad do not pack a bag and go to a hotel for the night. Do not pack bags and take kids to grandparents for the weekend or anything like that unless you have written confirmation from him- send a text or email.

[Anonymous]

This woman needs to see an attorney asap. She has made many mistakes so far, and is likely to make many more without legal council. For example, leaving could be seen as abandonment of the children.

Get some advice. Even if you want to stay in the marriage, your leverage will be much greater if you are able to demonstrate your resolve to leave and how miserable it will be for him if you do.

[Anonymous]

He is not breaking things off with this woman this easily. The only Way I would trust that is if he started opening up at the therapist and taking blame, allowing you access to all his personal emails and texts (gives you the password), and is basically crying at your feet. If in some way he does stop getting in touch with her before all the above happens, then I would bet it is her doing. She has started thinking about having three step kids, child support, etc. and realizes it is not really what she wants.