Is this appropriate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for all the responses. I am concerned about how much consensus there is about this.

I think I just have to let him try to make things right and hope that he does not contact her and then see where things are at in a month or two.

I agree this could come back to haunt me and ruin my life. Even if it was not physical, I think the fact that he was really emotionally involved with her is not a good sign at all and she was calling the shots seemingly, etc.

It is just that we have so much to lose as a family. I do work part time but we would be broke if we separated. WE would lose our house which we have been fixing up for many years. I want to stay together as a family. Plus he is a good guy...although his behavior lately (and really for the last couple of years) towards me has not been great.

I know I will have to reassess in a few months. We'll see. I am just trying to figure out how I will ever be able to figure out if he does have contact with her. Maybe he will start acting anxious and guilty again. I dont know.

Have you been to survivinginfidelity.com yet? It is a huge forum with people who have been through this already.

Look into a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) for his car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for all the responses. I am concerned about how much consensus there is about this.

I think I just have to let him try to make things right and hope that he does not contact her and then see where things are at in a month or two.

I agree this could come back to haunt me and ruin my life. Even if it was not physical, I think the fact that he was really emotionally involved with her is not a good sign at all and she was calling the shots seemingly, etc.

It is just that we have so much to lose as a family. I do work part time but we would be broke if we separated. WE would lose our house which we have been fixing up for many years. I want to stay together as a family. Plus he is a good guy...although his behavior lately (and really for the last couple of years) towards me has not been great.

I know I will have to reassess in a few months. We'll see. I am just trying to figure out how I will ever be able to figure out if he does have contact with her. Maybe he will start acting anxious and guilty again. I dont know.

You don't have to figure it out, OP. He is still in contact with her. That's why he's locked his phone and won't let you see his emails.

[Anonymous]

Just because you go see a lawyer and confront your husband doesn't mean you have to get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because you go see a lawyer and confront your husband doesn't mean you have to get divorced.

+100

You have a lot more than a hunch here. At least see where he really stands and talk to a lawyer about your options. Your kids need a happy mom and people who love and support them in their lives for a good childhood. They do not NEED a big nicely renovated and decorated house in the suburbs to have a good childhood. That means squat if dad is cheating on mom.

[Anonymous]

OP, does he tell you that he wants to make your marriage work? That he wants to stay married? Because from what you said I don't get that sense at all.

[Anonymous]

I came back here to see what has transpired and sadly it is more of the same. OP making excuses for her husband. OP - the reason you are shocked by the consensus is because we all know the truth and you can't face it.

I'm not sure why you keep coming on here and giving us more information. All it does is actually solidify our opinions and belief that he is having an affair and treating you like shit.

What more is there to say? This is really really sad. So the main reason you want to bury your head in the sand is because you don't want to leave your nice house and pay for a divorce?

Sooner or later you will realize that living in a nice house will not make you happy. Living with a man who is blatantly cheating on you, treats you like a dog, and is checked out of your marriage will wear you down. The fact that he is locking his phones and computers is disgusting.

I think you need a therapist for yourself because you obviously have low self-esteem. Anyone with any kind of self worth would call out this asshole for what he is doing and kick him out of the house. Instead you are sitting there trying to be a "good wife"....while he is banging this other lady right under your nose.

You are going to lose in this scenario. Either he will stay with you in a loveless miserable marriage and dump you when the kids graduate high school, or he will actually leave you for "Jane" and try to take the house, the kids and everything with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I came back here to see what has transpired and sadly it is more of the same. OP making excuses for her husband. OP - the reason you are shocked by the consensus is because we all know the truth and you can't face it.

I'm not sure why you keep coming on here and giving us more information. All it does is actually solidify our opinions and belief that he is having an affair and treating you like shit.

What more is there to say? This is really really sad. So the main reason you want to bury your head in the sand is because you don't want to leave your nice house and pay for a divorce?

Sooner or later you will realize that living in a nice house will not make you happy. Living with a man who is blatantly cheating on you, treats you like a dog, and is checked out of your marriage will wear you down. The fact that he is locking his phones and computers is disgusting.

I think you need a therapist for yourself because you obviously have low self-esteem. Anyone with any kind of self worth would call out this asshole for what he is doing and kick him out of the house. Instead you are sitting there trying to be a "good wife"....while he is banging this other lady right under your nose.

You are going to lose in this scenario. Either he will stay with you in a loveless miserable marriage and dump you when the kids graduate high school, or he will actually leave you for "Jane" and try to take the house, the kids and everything with him.

Please don't beat up on her. If you have truly been in her shows, you know this is not an easy realization to come to. You grab at anything you can that will allow you to stay in denial. She will come to the right conclusions eventually, but give her time.

[Anonymous]

OP, I really feel for you and the stage of grief you are in- this is so typical for anyone suffering a loss, whether it be a death in the family, a traumatic accident that leads to a disability, cheating spouse...etc.

You are still in the phase were you are hoping life will just go back to normal- it won't, and deep down you know that. even if your husband were honest in rebuilding your trust (so far he has only placated you to get you off his back.)

When you are ready to except that life as you knew it pre-affair is gone, and only you can decide for yourself how to move forward (with all the information.) Then you will be in a stronger place to set terms for any possible reconciliation. Right now you are just living in hope that the life you were living before will return- I know it is not about the house, or money, You want HIM to take it back, make it better- he is not- I know why you are holding on to his measly concessions with hope but it is foolish and naive- I was there once, it is easy to hope for the better in people. That is why people on this thread are unanimous- so many of us have been there done that, heard the lies and wanted to believe them. If we could spare you any unnecessary pain we would but you are not making it easy by taking a backseat role- Your DH has been in control the whole time, isn't it time you got some of it back? Bottom line, you haven't begun a reconciliation with you husband after the affair- you are currently condoning it and proving he can do what he wants and you won't leave.

The most important thing someone said to me when I was in the place that you are now- "The hardest thing you have to do, is sometimes the thing you need to do the most." And on so many other occasions in life this I found this to be true, when something seems too hard- often it means your headed in the right direction and when all the struggle is over, you won't regret it- I promise.

Best of luck OP, like another poster I wish I was your friend IRL- You deserve so much more (I am the poster who asked if you had a friend to confide in!)

[Anonymous]

OP: has your husband specifically told you that he is sorry, he was wrong, that he loves you, how he was crazy to suggest you move out, that he wants to make it work and will do everything to repair your relationship?

[Anonymous]

There isn't a consensus. This is OP's real life. OP, I think you should keep going to counseling with your husband. There are your three children to consider. It's easy for people to say "leave him" when it isn't their lives. A PP wrote something about a key logger. Another about a voice recorder for his car. Get those, just to make sure (don't tell hilm). He has been talking to her for 2 months, you said. I think it's possible it has only been talking -- you did say he was a nerdy type, good guy type. I hope it works out for you.

[Anonymous]

It's not appropriate OP. You are being tested to how far into denial you will go.

[Anonymous]

I don't think people mean to be cruel. It's just so hard to say anything along the lines of "don't worry op. He obviously loves you and he's just confused.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm going to offer a different perspective. I think it's unlikely your husband will leave. Sadly, I agree with PP's that there's more going on with "Jane" than you know. Maybe more than you want to know.

But dismantling the life your family has would be logistically quite difficult. You're a SAHM mom to 3 young kids, he has a "good" govt job. Run the numbers in your head: how would he support the 4 of you from a distance and maintain a separate residence? Where would the money come from for a divorce? How would this "good" guy react to no longer living with his children? (He won't get custody of 3 young kids, despite PP's scary statements).

My guess is that the reason many men don't actually leave, but still fuck around (pardon my French), is that it's just plain easier. I seriously doubt your husband is interesting in watching his life implode, even if it meant "Jane" and him could live happily ever after. Because deep down, he knows what that actually looks and feels like, and it ain't glamorous. Clandestine sex, however, is. I'm sure Jane does want your husband to leave. I bet he doesn't though.

Here's the bad news: he probably won't leave, but he probably won't stop what he's doing, either. Which means you have to decide what to do. I agree with PP's that the two of you won't move forward in the currently dishonest climate in your home. I realize how painful this must be, but I think you are going to have to literally bust him to make him face reality. Key logger, VAR, whatever. Just get the proof and there's your conversation. It sounds like you two started off well in your earlier years, and 3 kids in a short time span can derail most people. So you can get back to a good place.

Once you have the whole story, you may be surprised to wonder if you actually want to. But at least then you'll be making an actual choice.

[Anonymous]

OP, the reason so many people are this thread are telling you to wake up and face reality is that so many of us wish someone would have said it to us. When you look back and realize how much trust you gave to someone who was clearly lying to you, you feel so stupid for believing them for so long. Honestly, one of the worst things about being cheated on is realizing how much your spouse took advantage of that trust. We all want you to just get into the next phase because this phase will suck so much when you look back on it. But the reality is, we've all been there. We believed that our spouses were really good guys, that they really loved us, that now they were telling the truth and everything would be ok now. And then we found out the truth and we felt like idiots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: has your husband specifically told you that he is sorry, he was wrong, that he loves you, how he was crazy to suggest you move out, that he wants to make it work and will do everything to repair your relationship?

OP - yes he has...So that is all good. it took a while for him to say all that...and the only bad thing is I do think he is still very fond of Jane and I hope he keeps his promise not to communicate with her.