Is this appropriate?

[Anonymous]

Op here. He does seem checked out already. Which I don't think is fair because it has only ben a month since he told me hewas unhappy. I think he needs to try with me towork it out.

[Anonymous]

Google Emotional Affair. There is also a good book called "Not Just Friends"

[Anonymous]

Yes, please get a copy of "Not Just Friends."

And I agree to discuss in therapy alone. Helps you get he vocabulary you need to confront.

Look, I am another who has BTDT. My DH had a "very good friend" co-worker with whom he shared all kinds of intimate details of our life. He would take her out to dinner when he was in her city (she didn't live here), and I told him that he was dating her. He acted so weird about her, and he had had good female friends before, but he had never acted like this, and I had never been paranoid.

He gaslighted me for 10 long months about her. I gave him checklists for emotional affairs; I had him read the Shirley Glass book mentioned above. All I got were denials. I thought I was crazy. So I went to an excellent therapist, and I told him my timeline of events. He listened, and then asked, "What do you think is going on?" I told him, "I think DH is having an affair." The therapist nodded and said, "Yeah."

I left the office, phoned my DH and stood on the street, telling him that I felt validated. The things I thought I'd seen were real, and I was not losing my mind. I literally cried with relief.

DH told the co-worker that they could no longer be friends. He showed me every email that I wanted to see, so that I could validate it. He didn't try to hide, and eventually was able to tell me the whole truth about how the friendship had taken hold, and how it had clearly become inappropriate. Luckily, she left the firm a few months later.

Get over to surviving infidelity.com for support on emotional affairs. They will also have advice on how to confront, etc.

Good luck, my dear. This is not going to be easy, so take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - should I call Jane or write her a note on fB expressing my dismay and asking her to stay away from dH or is that insane?

Or, should I do as my mother suggested and say nothing more because if I nag and complain about this issue, it will only drive DH into her arms and he will resent me.

I am so upset. He clearly has been lying to me about how much he sees her. And he did not invite me to his office Christmas party and later mentioned she was there.

If it was the norm to bring spouses to the office Christmas party and your DH didn't invite you, then-- Yikes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this is hard, but based on everything you have said, I would confront him IN therapy lay out your concerns clearly. I would not be emotional or over-dramatic about it because I think he will use that as ammunition and it will be a distraction. I think with the therapist's input you should set up some boundaries/limits. If he is willing to agree with this and does not continue to lie or hide things I think your marriage could survive. If he continues to argue semantics and what he wants, then that would be a huge warning sign.

Secondly, take care of yourself. This is so important. Spend time with your kids one-on-one. Schedule a day out for just yourself and friends. DO not contact this lady. At the end of the day this has NOTHING to do with her. The responsibility lies fully with your husband, do not turn this into an issue about her you will just complicate things.

Protect your feelings, pull back a little in the relationship- be open to talking and discussing but do not lose hold on your priorities (self-care) and the limits and boundaries that you have agreed on. If he wants to argue, say your piece and stop. Say you are open to discussing more in therapy.

This is excellent. OP, print this post out and carry it with you. Do what this poster says. When you feel like lashing out or calling the woman, read this.

[Anonymous]

Has he brought up divorce?

[Anonymous]

OP here - no but he brought up separation and actually asked me to move out yesterday...he said he found a nearby rental house and maybe the kids and I could move in there. I was flabbergasted and he backed off of this "plan." He also admitted he has talked on phone to the friend a lot this month but apparently, they do not go out to lunch as often as I first thought - maybe once a month or less. But I told him it is inappropriate for him to be sharing his deepest feelings and our marital problems with a single female friend. He admitted he likes her and would consider dating her if he were single. But he keeps claiming I am blowing this all out of proportion. He did promise not to contact her anymore but he had gone back and forth on this today and several times said he had the right to choose his own friends and I was being controlling about this and that he was being perfectly appropriate. So this worries me a lot. Thank you for all the kind words and advice.

[Anonymous]

Why on earth should YOU move out? He's the cheater - throw his lying ass out in the street. What a pig. Do not leave your house that will only give him more power over you if you end up divorcing. Get an attorney OP- he is absolutely gas lighting you. He's Trying to make you think this is your fault and that what he's doing is no big deal. Read the book and websites others have mentioned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth should YOU move out? He's the cheater - throw his lying ass out in the street. What a pig. Do not leave your house that will only give him more power over you if you end up divorcing. Get an attorney OP- he is absolutely gas lighting you. He's Trying to make you think this is your fault and that what he's doing is no big deal. Read the book and websites others have mentioned.

+1000

Come on OP. Now it's time to get angry. You are being disrespected on so many levels. He suggested you move out??? WTF? You should be so enraged by that proposition that you are not even able to type.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I am so upset I have not slept for 2 days. But he did "take it back" - this suggestion. He is so unrealistic...We have three kids and live pay check to pay check. We can't afford to live separately anyways plus it has only been ONE month since he told me he was unhappy.

[Anonymous]

He told you he told her he was unhappy in his marriage?

[Anonymous]

All of this is pretty textbook for cheaters to say OP. Please go to survivinginfidelity.com--- they are experts over there.

Try and take care of yourself. Sorry this is happening to you.!

[Anonymous]

OP, you keep saying that it has only been one month since he told you he was unhappy in the marriage. Maybe it's one month since he told you, but it's really old news to him. And no doubt to her. I hate to say it but I think he is getting annoyed at YOU for not getting mad at HIM so he can have you be the one to blow it all up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - should I call Jane or write her a note on fB expressing my dismay and asking her to stay away from dH or is that insane?

Or, should I do as my mother suggested and say nothing more because if I nag and complain about this issue, it will only drive DH into her arms and he will resent me.

I am so upset. He clearly has been lying to me about how much he sees her. And he did not invite me to his office Christmas party and later mentioned she was there.

Oh, geez, OP. Get with the program. I know it's hard to admit to yourself what is going on, but it is painfully obvious. So sorry. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

So sorry OP, He is in the delusional state of an affair--has to twist things around to suit his situation. No way are you moving out. Not at all. You need to make it perfectly clear--in counseling, whatever--that You are not interested in ending the marriage; that you note he is not interested in trying to mend it; that he is maintaining an inappropriate relationship that jeopardizes your marriage and that he is deluding himself to think that this is okay.

OP, I would really prepare yourself to discover that he is, already, deeply involved one way or another with this woman. And in order to justify to himself his actions, he has to convince himself that your marriage is rotten and not worth saving. Do not let him get away with this! Check out 'surviving infidelity' boards. But also take some action: personally, I would check phone and text history and probably email history of possible. I would NOT contact the other woman. I would also do a quick assessment of where you are financially, if he should suddenly split.

Im so sorry, but I think you need to prepare yourself that he is deeply involved with someone else and lying his ass off to you. That's what people do when they're having affairs.