I am an Asian woman married to a white guy. Ask me (practically) anything.

[Anonymous]

"So the OP is a whore and finally found some idiot willing to ignore her cold sores and propose - good for her."

Wow, why the vitriol? I gather you've had some experience in your life that's made you angry about AF/WM relationships(?) Anything you'd like to share with us in some constructive way? We're just sharing and learning here . . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you ever live in Asia with a white husband?

Hello, this is OP again. I have been gone for a few weeks. No, I would not do that because I really don't see myself as an expat. I grew up in the U.S. I make speak my native language but that doesn't mean I can fit in in my birthland at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you and your husband think of Amy Chua and her husband? Serious question.

I haven't read any of her books. She's a celebrity, no? She must lead a different life from mine certainly! She's an Asian-Am highly educated woman who is married to a highly educated Jewish man. So, I guess we share some similarities on paper. But that's all I can think of.

Every interracial marriage is different, I would assume. That's like saying every Southern white couple who are Methodists are the same. I think they would beg to differ. I don't know if they would be able to comment on each other either.

o.k., but are with her on being a "tiger mom?"

I haven't read her book, so I am guessing at what your question means. I read reviews of it, though. She seems to be a hardass as a parent, and her kids are very high-achieving. Pressure-cooker parenting is not limited to just some Asians, that's ridiculous. Tiger Woods, Andre Agassi and Michael Jackson's fathers were anything but coddling, and their kids reached the pinnacles of their chosen profession too. I would think their dads are "tiger dads" based on the loose definition. And yeah, it's not great. All three men have shown to be unhappy, or have spoken about their ambivalence about how they were raised (Agassi certainly did, in interviews).

I'm the PP who originally asked what you think about Chua and her husband, who is Jewish. I'm thinking of their new book, The Triple Package, in which they assert that particular racial, cultural, ethnic or religious groups are superior to others. Two of the superior groups are Chinese and Jewish. They refrain from listing the inferior groups, of course,

This is OP. I have not read the book, but based on your post, PP, it sounds pretty obnoxious. Different parts of the globe have been ascendant/descendant throughout human history, and everyone had their party. People forget in biblical times Africa was quite the reigning territory. African women were very desired (Queen Sheba, anyone?). America had her day, and we are seeing her decline now, unfortunately. Hence, weird threads are appearing in places like DCUM about the toppling of the blonde as the trophy woman.

Asia is rising again, after a ho-hum 5,000 year hiatus. Who knows who will be next? Maybe the middle east.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you a cautious driver?

No. I have gotten better as I got older. I have been arrested for speeding on numerous occasions before I got married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asian woman and Caucasian man is the highest interracial dating percentage here. That surprised me as I thought it was AA man/Caucasian woman.

OP here. In every immigrant group, the women assimilate faster than men. I'm sure it's been true of the Irish, the Italian, the Jews, etc. Just the way gender dynamics play. But AA men/Caucasian women pairings are catching up! Soon it will reach parity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Asian woman and Caucasian man is the highest interracial dating percentage here. That surprised me as I thought it was AA man/Caucasian woman.

Yeah, out here in Loudoun, it's pretty much required if you're a single white guy.

I assume, of course, OP is planning on sending her kids to TJ.

This is OP. I don't live in DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is it possible you've dated so many guys and have only slept with your husband?

I kept my legs closed. It was hard at times. Lots of pressure to sleep by the third date--from both the men and female friends who knew what was going on. I also avoided getting passed-out drunk around men I didn't trust.

There's more of us (women who don't sleep before marriage/slept with only one or maybe 2-3 men) than you think! It's like gay men in the 30's--we can recognize each other, but keep it secret due to the judgmental attitude of society. But a fair number of my friends fall in this category. Less than 20%, but it's not like we are unicorns. I bet some of your friends are like me, they just don't tell you.

[Anonymous]

If you speak your parents native language why aren't you teaching your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you speak your parents native language with your children? I know so many Asian women married to white men who give their children Anglo names and speak only English. I wonder why they don't want to pass down their heritage. It makes me wonder if the whole reason they marry white men is because they are trying to erase their Asian heritage. This is why I ask, I'd really like to know so I don't make these assumptions. It just seems odd and I can't figure it out, especially when the grandparents almost always solely speak the native language. How do these children communicate and learn from their grandparents with such language barriers?

I'm quite proud of my heritage. I think it's cool. My friend has an Italian great-grandmother but she's so proud of her 1/8 Italian roots. I think it's nice to get in touch with your ancestry.

I don't speak it because it is hard for me. English comes naturally to me. It is an effort to speak my native tongue unless I am also speaking with a native speaker. I dream in English!

It is difficult to maintain one's heritage if one's spouse doesn't share in it. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I feel the desire to attend Mass but I just lose all motivation on Sunday morning when my whole family is just hanging out at home. Similarly, it is more difficult to go through the motions when my spouse is of a different culture. I mean, I tried when I got married. I would cook up my authentic Asian dishes, but DH would eat it and get indigestion from the spices. So, now we eat spaghetti for dinner.

I didn't marry DH because I hated being Asian, if that's what you are getting at. I married him because I fell in love with him. I wasn't limiting myself to just my own people when it came to love.

If you go back far enough, you have immigrants in your background, I'm sure. One of those generations was like me--caught in the middle, American, but with memories of the homeland. It gets diluted. It's nothing specific to me, or Asian women. It's the story of immigration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you speak your parents native language with your children? I know so many Asian women married to white men who give their children Anglo names and speak only English. I wonder why they don't want to pass down their heritage. It makes me wonder if the whole reason they marry white men is because they are trying to erase their Asian heritage. This is why I ask, I'd really like to know so I don't make these assumptions. It just seems odd and I can't figure it out, especially when the grandparents almost always solely speak the native language. How do these children communicate and learn from their grandparents with such language barriers?

I'm guessing the reason OP ignored this question is because there may be some truth to the self hate theory.

OP here. Nooooo. I know that the "self-hate theory" has a lot of traction with people who, for whatever reason, are bothered by IR relationships. It is a comforting and pat answer. But it's like a theory of racism, it's a hateful theory and prejudiced.

People in America intermarry. Look, you are 18, 19, 20, 21, young, attractive, healthy, energetic, and on the prowl for a mate. You are in HS, you get your first job, you go to college, whatever. And you are surrounded by other young, healthy, attractive people, and many of them are NOT of your race! In the case of Asians and Jews, small minority populations, MOST of the people you interact with are not of your ethnicity, assuming you are not particularly clannish. In this hot and hormonal environment, IR hookups are just going to happen, ok? And some of them are going to lead to marriages and little mixed kids running around.

I personally think anti-miscegenation is an awful thing, and you should really stop it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you speak your parents native language with your children? I know so many Asian women married to white men who give their children Anglo names and speak only English. I wonder why they don't want to pass down their heritage. It makes me wonder if the whole reason they marry white men is because they are trying to erase their Asian heritage. This is why I ask, I'd really like to know so I don't make these assumptions. It just seems odd and I can't figure it out, especially when the grandparents almost always solely speak the native language. How do these children communicate and learn from their grandparents with such language barriers?

I'm guessing the reason OP ignored this question is because there may be some truth to the self hate theory.

I bow down to you oh superior one.

Let's see, many European ancestors of whites had their own language, but most didn't learn German, Polish, Gaelic, Dutch, Swedish from their parents and continue to pass it down. Must be some truth to that self hate theory.

Touched a nerve I guess.

This is OP. I haven't posted in this particular conversation before, but I will say that you touched nothing, except of course, that I am not happy that there are people running around who take one look at my DH and me and just HATE us. It is mildly upsetting. IR couples have done nothing to you, and yet you seem to hate them so. So, yeah, you touched a nerve in that way, in that I see your posts and I am saddened that there are people who just hate us for marrying. And my poor children will run into people like you and you will probably hate them too. I just hope my kids never get someone like you for their teacher or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you get eyelid surgery so you and your husband ...and children look, connected?

Yeah right, I got eyelid surgery and my DH got a nosejob, so we can look like siblings.

Our children connect us. They look like both us, quite wonderful actually, and they DO connect my DH and me, and our worlds, together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's my question. Why did you feel the need to do this? I haven't seen women in other interracial pairings do this and it's not like this particular pairing is so rare/inscrutable/taboo as to warrant extensive discussion (quite the opposite).

Going through the questions, I am even more curious. Nearly every question that has been asked is either a disguised echo chamber comment, easily answerable with minimal research, inane, or just plain stupid. Seriously, what was the motivation?

I did it because I assume people may have questions or are curious, and it is a safe forum to ask anything. I know I have questions about some IR relationships, but would be too mortified to ask anyone in real life. I have the loveliest people accost me and say things like "My son is engaged to a Asian lady!" and they look at me so earnestly...I just KNOW they have questions, but are too shy to ask them. Like, "will my future DIL like me? What about her parents? Are they accepting? Does she eat dog? Will she let me play with my future grandkids? What do I get her for her birthday?"

Also, there was some brouhaha about Asian women in some other forum, I recall, that encouraged me to do an AMA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No idea what the motivation of OP was in starting the thread but let me say based on interaction with many Asians, there is a pecking order when it comes to marrying someone of another race/color.

Being married to a white guy is viewed as the next best thing to marrying within one's own race .... and depending on the looks, credentials, etc of the white guy, it may even be viewed as a "catch" of sorts by some in the Asian community.

Yes, and there is also a tendency, to want to adapt to some Western aspects. For example, most Asians in the US use a Western first name and rarely use their Asian first name.

This is OP. I will address this. Assimilation means that you marry into the mainstream. The mainstream may mean many things, but if you keep your options open and not limit yourself to your own ethnicity (which is anti-assimilation), then you will probably end up with a white person, due to sheer numbers.

And yes, immigrants adopt Western names. You left your motherland, and took citizenship here. That means something. That means you say hello to everyone, learn English, eat hamburgers, and can name your kids Jennifer and Andrew without judgment.

I don't see fifth-generation Americans of Italian descent naming their kids Giuseppe or Luigi either.

But, PP, I do take issue with your sweeping generalization. Lots of Asian friends of mine are giving their children ethnic names, so your statement isn't even true. So: James Yu-Shing Chan, or Andrea Soyoung Williams, that kind of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:White guy with asian wife here. Just wanted to say thank you OP for the time and effort you put into sharing some of your life and experience in this thread. I learned a couple of things myself, and enjoyed the read.

OP here. You are welcome!