Husband wants to move for job, I don't

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the whole thing, but I can tell you from experience, moving "against your will" is really, really hard. Especially if you are the SAHP and it means you will be dealing with all the b'cracy of moving... and depending on how well you get along with your inlaws, you will have them as your main support instead of your parents.

[Anonymous]

I would echo the posters who have pointed out that your husband and children should be the most important segment of "your family."

[Anonymous]

Do not move! I had just bought a new house to move closer to my parents this summer. 2 weeks later my seemingly perfectly healthy mom was diagnosed w/ cancer & lived only 2 more mos. I would give anything for my kids to have lived near her for even a few months. No pay raise is worth giving up the chance to live by your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not move! I had just bought a new house to move closer to my parents this summer. 2 weeks later my seemingly perfectly healthy mom was diagnosed w/ cancer & lived only 2 more mos. I would give anything for my kids to have lived near her for even a few months. No pay raise is worth giving up the chance to live by your family.

SoCal PP 2-year transplant here. To this PP, I want to say, I am really sorry this happened to you and it must have been terrible. I worry about this a lot because my own 88 year old mom, who has had cancer twice and has a titanium femur now, has been in the hospital back in CA since May, and we moved in August. Very hard to do, many tears, and I worry if she will live through the two years.

To the OP, I want to say that this is a risk I took to support my DH. My mother gets this. My mother did come for Thanksgiving (a nurse drove her to LAX; we hosted her for 1.5 weeks and a nurse picked her up back at LAX). Interestingly, her plan to come out here for Thanksgiving, which she started concocting in September, was a big driving force in her getting well enough to actually execute her plan. It became her obsession and she was a model patient (she's a retired nurse and thus, not the best patient at times). That's more than she's traveled in years! She's coming up with her next travel plan to DC right now.

Now, on to OC area. As I wrote in another post where that OP was considering Irvine, OC is really nice. I think it's great for you to check it out. I'm glad you are trying to keep an open mind, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - we talked a ton about it tonight. He feels like it would really look bad for him to turn down this opportunity of advancement within his company. It looks like we would be living a little further north tan San Dego because the job is more based in LA/Long Beach so now he's talking about Newport Beach, OC, Huntington Beach so we'd be an hour or so from his parents. I'm thinking about offering to take a trip out there to see if its a place I could see our family in. I just keep coming back to not wanting to leave our life here - especially my family.

I think a trip to check it out would be a great idea, OP. Your husband and kids are your family - it's wonderful that you're close with your parents and sister but you, husband, and kids deserve to be your focus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, how likely is it that his company just happened to have an opening in San Diego? It seems he's looking for a job there. Maybe if he kept looking here her eventually find a better position. I think they need to decide as a family whether yo uproot and under what conditions to return.

Yea, I am sure that job caught his attention because that is where he wants to be. That's the point a lot of people are missing and that OP needs to grab by the horns. Her DH does not want to live here long term- he wants to live in San Diego. He probably realizes that once the IL's move here, the OP will not be going anywhere and he will be stuck. In his mind, this is Waterloo. If he does not leave now, he is never leaving.

Who knows? Maybe he is starting to feel suffocated by having to be around her family so much. Having family close by (esp. so many members) is not always a positive. My DH's family all live in another city. If we lived near them, I would not be excited.

So, OP, if you get what you want, how are you going to make it up to your DH? You led him to believe that moving to the west coast was a realistic possibility, and he wants to go back. If he stays to make you happy, are you willing
to get a job so funds are available for him to take his kids to see his family? There is nothing in anything you've said about what you are willing to give up.

Bingo! He probably feels outnumbered. And he might feel like the inlaws are too involved in their lives.

I grew up with a lot of inlaws around. My parents' siblings and their kids lived nearby. My mom was very close to one of her sisters. We spent a lot of time with her and my cousins.

Here's the thing. first of all, my parents' inlaws have had a horrible effect on their marriage. They were suffocating, especially my aunt (the sister my mom was close to).

Second, we played with and were close to cousins growing up. But once we were teenagers, we weren't close any more. And now, my siblings and I aren't at all close with those cousins.

Yeah, I hear the "family is important. My sister is my support network. My kids like to play with their cousins." But I don't think any of those things will make up for the resentment OP's husband will feel that (a) ALL of his inlaws and NONE of his own family live nearby and are heavily involved in his life and (b) he has been clear and upfront for years that he'd like to move, but apparently that doesn't matter, and (c) his inlaws and his wife's attachment to them are standing in the way of a career opportunity in the very place he has told his wife for years he'd like to move and in a place where he actually has family of his own nearby.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - we talked a ton about it tonight. He feels like it would really look bad for him to turn down this opportunity of advancement within his company. It looks like we would be living a little further north tan San Dego because the job is more based in LA/Long Beach so now he's talking about Newport Beach, OC, Huntington Beach so we'd be an hour or so from his parents. I'm thinking about offering to take a trip out there to see if its a place I could see our family in. I just keep coming back to not wanting to leave our life here - especially my family.

Your DH and your kids are your most important priority. Your DH is the sole source of your HHI. His career is the key to your family's future financial security. His income will send your kids to college and fund your retirement. To risk his career because you don't want to be away from your mommy is just silly.

It's time to grow up a little.

+1000 Very well said as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not move! I had just bought a new house to move closer to my parents this summer. 2 weeks later my seemingly perfectly healthy mom was diagnosed w/ cancer & lived only 2 more mos. I would give anything for my kids to have lived near her for even a few months. No pay raise is worth giving up the chance to live by your family.

What about his mom? What if she gets cancer and only has months to live? The concept of family is not only connected to the mother's side. Why shouldn't there also be reason to be near his family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not move! I had just bought a new house to move closer to my parents this summer. 2 weeks later my seemingly perfectly healthy mom was diagnosed w/ cancer & lived only 2 more mos. I would give anything for my kids to have lived near her for even a few months. No pay raise is worth giving up the chance to live by your family.

What about his mom? What if she gets cancer and only has months to live? The concept of family is not only connected to the mother's side. Why shouldn't there also be reason to be near his family?

If anything, DH could argue his parents don't have close family nearby and he should be there to help as he grows old.

[Anonymous]

PP here: that last "he" should be "they."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not just her parents. It's her children aunts and uncles and cousins (it sounds like.) That's worth a lot.

i agree. i followed the money and left for greener pastures. i'll be moving back to dc in a couple years. dd went from playing with her cousins and seeing grandparents weekly to visiting on major holidays. not worth the tradeoff imo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not just her parents. It's her children aunts and uncles and cousins (it sounds like.) That's worth a lot.

i agree. i followed the money and left for greener pastures. i'll be moving back to dc in a couple years. dd went from playing with her cousins and seeing grandparents weekly to visiting on major holidays. not worth the tradeoff imo.

But moving where there is no family is completely different to the OP's situation. Why does her family trump his? It sounds like his parents have actually put in the time and effort to get to know their grandchildren cross country. OP's parents were not that far away. She waited until DH was ready to go back to throw this hissy. She led him on. His family counts, too. It's sad that what she wants with "her family" trumps her spouse. Maybe they should stay. She'll need the support network when he divorces her.

[Anonymous]

If it's an internal promotion, it really could harm him professionally if he doesn't take the job. That can be a real career ender if you're viewed as the person who won't embrace a great opportunity when it's handed to them, or sacrifice a little in order to advance.

A "little" more money plus more RESPONSIBILITY - the increased responsibility is a huge plus as well. That responsibility may be what he has to have in order to advance further. If you get in the way of this, you could be hurting your family a lot.

Aunts, uncles and cousins are important. Grandparents are important. But your nuclear family has to be top priority. Plan to fly your parents out for a couple of weeks a time or two a year. Talk to you sister on the phone, a lot. Your kids won't really miss the cousins as much as you think they will. Build a new support network in CA. You can do it, even if it feels intimidating.

Also, as a SAHM, you really do have to give husband's career advancement and happiness a heavier weighting than what you just "want". If you say no to this you really could be damaging your marriage. He WILL feel like you've put your family ahead of him.

[Anonymous]

Is this move actually going to lead to significant advancement for your husband? Is it going to be permanent or is it likely as a contractor he'd need to move back to DC at some point?

[Anonymous]

You don't move "against your will", you grow-up, get a good attitude and - not only make it work - you make it work well.