DW Needs to Put on Her Big Girl Pants and Be an Adult

[Anonymous]

Dude, I am guessing that with all you have posted on this thread, anyone who works with you, is your neighbor, heck, anyone who is acquainted with you, will be able to pick you out if they are casually visiting this site.

You don't seem very bright about internet safety.

[Anonymous]

NSA is sucking it all up anyway!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
If you want to salvage what you can, you have to seriously tell your wife that your marriage is in trouble, and establish ground rules. Her backing out of choosing a country is really immature and silly, but points to a rejection of your lifestyle that you have to consider. In other words, overlook her methods for a minute to actually look at her motivations - this is not a happy woman! I suggest you do something about that. Therapy? Meds for depression, if that is it for her? Eventually, a career change for you? When are you definitely coming back to a stable position in the US?

You've been putting your head in the sand for years. Do something.

Why isn't it our lifestyle? I was doing this when DW met me. Did she think I would quit? If so, that has never been an expressed or realistic expectation. I am 10 years out from earliest retirement age - 55 - and still have one DD to get through college. In fact, I am really thinking when DD hits college I will need to go to some real sh**tholes just for the money - both to pay for college and to double up on retirement savings.

In our career with the FS, I don't think there is any place we have been that is truly bad. In 17 years of service, we have been to Russia, Ukraine, Ethiopia, Kenya and Korea. Kenya, IMHO, was the best place from lifestyle, education and work standpoint, but I left that to pursue other opportunities in Korea. As I am a fluent Russian speaker, my value added is in Russia or one of the FSU countries. She once asked me, "Why didn't you study French? Then we could be in Paris or Brussels?" Or Ouagadougou or Bangui or Dakar? Plus as an undergrad choosing a language to study really was dictated by what was in demand at the time, and frankly French and Spanish speakers are a dime a dozen. Speakers of harder languages - Asian, African or Slavic - are not.

She's ahd it with you regardless of how exciting you think you and your lifestyle are.

Realistically, perhaps the road to Paris or Brussels, in the end, comes through Kabul.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dude - you are giving out WAY too much information online. I think you sound like the childish one.

And I doubt you'll have a family to return to with that attitude.

But he thinks he is the sophisticate!

[Anonymous]

Well, then she can leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, then she can leave.

Isn't that what appears to be happening?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Russia. DW chose not to come. Her choice.

Foreign Service hardship tours can be 2 -3 years. This Fall's bidding list includes, for example:

Lagos - 3 years
Chengdu - 2 years
Chennai - 2 year
Guangzhou - 3 years
Hanoi - 3 years
HCM City - 3 years
Mumbai - 3 years

The list goes on. I've only counted posts with a 20 % or higher differential. Lagos is 25% plus a 15% Service Need Differential. Places like AIP countries are 1 year tours that are too dangerous for families. I would go to any of those three for a year before Lagos. Otherwisw, I will virtually go anywhere.

DW seems to think a career is somehow limited to Canada and Western Europe.

Yeah I got it OP, she is one of those spouses who wants to climb the easy ladder. She prefers to go to the luxury posts - Paris, London, Prague etc... I've come across a lot of these princess in my time. World wide availability does not apply to them. But I think the reason why she is squirreling away money may be because she's afraid you might call her one day and tell her you've found yourself a Russian beauty and want a divorce. There's a risk when you let your husband go on unaccompanied tours, particularly in places like Eastern Europe and Asia. If insecurity is causing her to steal money from the family that is a separate issue than the backup system.

Maybe she has a good job in dc and likes the kids' schools! Would you same the same thing of a man who refused to go on every tour?

[Anonymous]

Learn some more languages. It's called Rosetta Stone. Takes Spanish, French etc.

[Anonymous]

Just gave some thought about a similar topic over the weekend. SAHM wife always complains she is not "compensated" for all she does to care for the house, the kids, etc. Then I thought to myself, neither am I. I basically get in the morning and go to work every goddamned day to pay for everything my family needs - the roof over their heads, the clothes on their backs, the food on their table, etc. Rarely, if ever, to I spend any of the money I earn on anything for myself (and, no, a power drill to fix things around the house doesn't count anymore than the latest vacuum cleaner). I don't regret any of it. That is my role. But by God, do I sometimes feel taken for granted.

I don't think a little "thank you" for taking care of me and the kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, if I didn't know if I wanted to stay in a marriage, there is no way I'd keep following my husband to locations that are not conducive to my possible imminent sine parent life. I'd stay somewhere where I had a community. Where the kids are settled in school, and where I could more easily get a job. That it made sense to trade off a lot of her independence to follow your career and raise kids, all of which is fine, she's well aware that she needs to " put on her big girl panties" as you say and plan better for her departure.

As for your career, if you're this far along in years and can't manage to work your way past these hardship posts, that's your own failing and perhaps, rightly or wrong, she expected better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As for your career, if you're this far along in years and can't manage to work your way past these hardship posts, that's your own failing and perhaps, rightly or wrong, she expected better.

PP, out of curiosity, are you FS or military? Do you really think it works this way? You do your best to bid on the posts that are best for your family and your career needs, but the "needs of the service" will always come first. It is a hard balancing act sometimes. However, I feel DW never really thinks about the exact characteristics of a post of assignment she wants, i.e. am a I willing to trade off a cushy place in Western Europe for a hardship assignment with good schools and great job opportunities, or do I should want to laise around the post going shopping, getting my manicure done, etc. If DW tells me that employment is her priority, then I think she should be looking with me at the posts with good employment opportunities and not so much focused on a Paris or a Rome that has none.

And, FWIW, I have made decisions for years now that were what she wanted and it generally hasn't helped in the getting promoted and moving up category.

[Anonymous]

Op, this is not a dating or employment site. Wayyy too much info.

[Anonymous]

can you post a picture?

[Anonymous]

The real question is...OP do you have the money to install a backup system without the 5k? If you can why does is matter that she's put money aside. But more importantly do you have money put away that she doesn't have access too?

IMHO everyone should have a savings account where money is never touched in case of an emergency, but in healthy and trusting relationships both partners are aware of financial limitations and what they can and cannot afford. So if DW knows there is no other money, then yes she should def be forking over the 5k. However if there is plenty of funding in other areas that she doesn't have access too this may be her feeling insecure about using an emergency fund esp. if DH is stingy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As for your career, if you're this far along in years and can't manage to work your way past these hardship posts, that's your own failing and perhaps, rightly or wrong, she expected better.

PP, out of curiosity, are you FS or military? Do you really think it works this way? You do your best to bid on the posts that are best for your family and your career needs, but the "needs of the service" will always come first. It is a hard balancing act sometimes. However, I feel DW never really thinks about the exact characteristics of a post of assignment she wants, i.e. am a I willing to trade off a cushy place in Western Europe for a hardship assignment with good schools and great job opportunities, or do I should want to laise around the post going shopping, getting my manicure done, etc. If DW tells me that employment is her priority, then I think she should be looking with me at the posts with good employment opportunities and not so much focused on a Paris or a Rome that has none.

And, FWIW, I have made decisions for years now that were what she wanted and it generally hasn't helped in the getting promoted and moving up category.

Yes, I am from a military family. My husband is now retired and in the private sector here. He was ery successful in the mitary and is ow as well. Did multiple stints at DoD at the Pentagon even though he didn't join to be a "desk jockey." I was always willing to put his career first, and he always, always expressed appreciation for that very, very generous gift. If you are lucky enough to have found a spouse willing to tolerate you having a career that is, really, totally self -absorbed, count yourself lucky and give her a break whenever you can. My guess, though, is that she already has one foot out the door.