DW Needs to Put on Her Big Girl Pants and Be an Adult

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I am stationed overseas on a 3-year assignment. Last summer, during one of the rain storms, derecho or whatver it was that happened our basement flooded due to power failure. Our sump pumps stopped working and the basement flooded. Luckily our insurance paid to repair the finished basement.

However, DW is now complaining with the summer storm season coming on that this being the Washington area where power failures seem to be de rigeur for even the smallest thunderstorm, that our basement will inevitably flood when the power goes out yet again. She wants to install a backup system. I agree, but the question comes down to how to pay for it. I know for a fact that she took at least $5K from the insurance payout and squirreled it away in her own account. When I raise with her that this money can be used to pay for the backup system, she cried this is her "compensation." So, at this point I am basically saying that I agree we need a backup system, but that the responsibility for paying for it needs to come out of that remainder of insurance money because "that is what it is for." If the basement floods again, she will need to accept responsibility.

Frankly, I do not understand her thinking that this insurance money is her "compensation." However, she either needs to decide whether she wants to keep that money - which is not hers to begin with - or whether she wants to prevent the basement from flooding again. I do not understand her stubborness, but she needs to put on her big girl pants and start acting like an adult and not expect me to cave in and give her what she wants.

All of this sounds to me like OP has an awful attitude towards his DW. Whatever bad things I might do, I doubt my DH would ever speak of me in these terms.

You guys have some work to do, and as others have said, it's not in the basement.

OP here. Where is use bad attitude? She is complaining about not having her backup system and know very well that she has the money. She is not entitled to "compensation" from the insurance payout. Believe me - she gets more than enough from what I earn. Since I have just laid out for summer camp for the kids, recent car repairs, orthodontics, her credit card and her medical bill not covered by insurance, I think she needs to step up to the plate and pony up $2K. Otherwise, she is saying that the backup system is not so important to me that I'm willing to part with the money.

And yes, I do expect a 39 year old woman to behave like a grown up and take some responsibility. My mother dealt with three kids and a husband in a combat zone and never ever would've behaved this way.

Isn't that your job?

+1

OP, are these not your kids?

Maybe you should move back in with your mother, if she is so great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP You sound bitter and angry. Get over yourself. You left her with the lovely choice of Russia and the armpits that you list, or doing it herself. State dept people are not suffering in their posts. They are so completely full of themselves, espcially when the wife is at home with the kids. BTDT.

No, I did not leave her with the "lovely choice of Russia and the armpits." At the last go around, she had the choice of Russia plus several other posts. The problem is, at least as posts, are concerned she never knows what she wants other than "Western Europe." Well, those are always oversubscribed, so you can do a prioritized ranking of positions by what you value in a post, i.e. spousal employment, schools, etc. She claims employment is her number 1 (schools is mine), but will rank a post with no employment opportunities for her if it is in "Western Europe."

I have all but given up on actually having a true joint decision on choosing posts with her. In one of our prior cycles, she insisted I put Cairo and South Africa as my 1st and 3rd choices, even after I told her that I had been told by post management they had other candidates for the positions. So, basically, we wasted two of our top three choices. Nairobi was our number 2. When we did the list, before submitting it, I asked DW whether there was any place on this list of 8 posts where she could not see herself for 3 - 4 years. If she said yes, I was going to take it off. She said no. When we received Nairobi, she announced she wouldn't go there. I said you can't change the agreed upon rules after the fact. She replied, "I can change whatever I want."

Actually, no you can't if you expect me to also play by the same rules.

Back to the problem at hand, what exactly does DW need that "nest egg" for? In case I get blown off the face of the earth in some terrorist attack? I have life insurance for that, and it is more than enough. She needs to buck up and use the insurance money for what it was intended and not as her own little secret kitty. I don't have one. Neither should she.

I just love the man-hating element on DCUM. You all must be real jewels of wives!

[Anonymous]

She is finished with the moving life style. You are into the "I am man" Russian outlook. The marriage is in trouble.

[Anonymous]

I am the primary provider. I guess I would be a better DH if I were an unemployed or underemployed loser staying home with the kids so my DW could wear the big boy pants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the primary provider. I guess I would be a better DH if I were an unemployed or underemployed loser staying home with the kids so my DW could wear the big boy pants.

What is up with you and the pants? Are you 8 years old?

[Anonymous]

Sounds more and more like these two deserve each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds more and more like these two deserve each other.

+1

OP, you both sound immature and petty. I am guessing that your families of origin had similar problems in terms of lack of communication, unproductive anger, and overall resentments and pettiness.

This marriage is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP You sound bitter and angry. Get over yourself. You left her with the lovely choice of Russia and the armpits that you list, or doing it herself. State dept people are not suffering in their posts. They are so completely full of themselves, espcially when the wife is at home with the kids. BTDT.

No, I did not leave her with the "lovely choice of Russia and the armpits." At the last go around, she had the choice of Russia plus several other posts. The problem is, at least as posts, are concerned she never knows what she wants other than "Western Europe." Well, those are always oversubscribed, so you can do a prioritized ranking of positions by what you value in a post, i.e. spousal employment, schools, etc. She claims employment is her number 1 (schools is mine), but will rank a post with no employment opportunities for her if it is in "Western Europe."

I have all but given up on actually having a true joint decision on choosing posts with her. In one of our prior cycles, she insisted I put Cairo and South Africa as my 1st and 3rd choices, even after I told her that I had been told by post management they had other candidates for the positions. So, basically, we wasted two of our top three choices. Nairobi was our number 2. When we did the list, before submitting it, I asked DW whether there was any place on this list of 8 posts where she could not see herself for 3 - 4 years. If she said yes, I was going to take it off. She said no. When we received Nairobi, she announced she wouldn't go there. I said you can't change the agreed upon rules after the fact. She replied, "I can change whatever I want."

Actually, no you can't if you expect me to also play by the same rules.

Back to the problem at hand, what exactly does DW need that "nest egg" for? In case I get blown off the face of the earth in some terrorist attack? I have life insurance for that, and it is more than enough. She needs to buck up and use the insurance money for what it was intended and not as her own little secret kitty. I don't have one. Neither should she.

I just love the man-hating element on DCUM. You all must be real jewels of wives!

I just love all the men on DCUM who cry about their wives not doing as well as their mommies. Seriously, dude, you lost me on that one. You had me squarely on your side, then you pulled the mommy card. Makes you look like a douche.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess our female ancestors were much stronger than today's women. After all they helped to conquer apple a wilderness, run farms, work in factories when husbands were off to war. They didn't expect baubles. We haven't come a long way baby!

I couldn't agree more. I like my pampering and all, but good Lord. My grandparents who lived through the Depression would roll their eyes at some of you. You defenders of women (so-called) know it is possible to rise to the occasion and to live without flowers, the spa, etc etc etc. Right?

Well, I suspect the majority of us are living in the first world in 2013 and have adjusted expectations accordingly.

Whatever you classist, spoiled brat. There are lots of people "living in the first world in 2013" who can't afford regular spa appointments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I am stationed overseas on a 3-year assignment. Last summer, during one of the rain storms, derecho or whatver it was that happened our basement flooded due to power failure. Our sump pumps stopped working and the basement flooded. Luckily our insurance paid to repair the finished basement.

However, DW is now complaining with the summer storm season coming on that this being the Washington area where power failures seem to be de rigeur for even the smallest thunderstorm, that our basement will inevitably flood when the power goes out yet again. She wants to install a backup system. I agree, but the question comes down to how to pay for it. I know for a fact that she took at least $5K from the insurance payout and squirreled it away in her own account. When I raise with her that this money can be used to pay for the backup system, she cried this is her "compensation." So, at this point I am basically saying that I agree we need a backup system, but that the responsibility for paying for it needs to come out of that remainder of insurance money because "that is what it is for." If the basement floods again, she will need to accept responsibility.

Frankly, I do not understand her thinking that this insurance money is her "compensation." However, she either needs to decide whether she wants to keep that money - which is not hers to begin with - or whether she wants to prevent the basement from flooding again. I do not understand her stubborness, but she needs to put on her big girl pants and start acting like an adult and not expect me to cave in and give her what she wants.

All of this sounds to me like OP has an awful attitude towards his DW. Whatever bad things I might do, I doubt my DH would ever speak of me in these terms.

You guys have some work to do, and as others have said, it's not in the basement.

OP here. Where is use bad attitude? She is complaining about not having her backup system and know very well that she has the money. She is not entitled to "compensation" from the insurance payout. Believe me - she gets more than enough from what I earn. Since I have just laid out for summer camp for the kids, recent car repairs, orthodontics, her credit card and her medical bill not covered by insurance, I think she needs to step up to the plate and pony up $2K. Otherwise, she is saying that the backup system is not so important to me that I'm willing to part with the money.

And yes, I do expect a 39 year old woman to behave like a grown up and take some responsibility. My mother dealt with three kids and a husband in a combat zone and never ever would've behaved this way.

You really sound wacko, OP. Those things are FAMILY costs. They're not evidence of you stepping up to the plate more than DW. How do the finances work in your family? Aren't you putting everything into one pot? If you're having issues with personal spending (i.e. NOT family items, household bills or health insurance) then I strongly suggest you have one main account and two individual accounts with a certain amount going into them each month that you can each spend on whatever you like without having to justify to the other.

I have to say, you sound a lot like my father who is very controlling with money issues (and has been with his 3 wives ... ha ha!).

And finally, show some respect when you speak about your DW. Other PPs think she's a witch just because of the way you speak about her. But I think you sound pretty mean.

Well, that $5K in insurance money is FAMILY money, wouldn't you agree?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP You sound bitter and angry. Get over yourself. You left her with the lovely choice of Russia and the armpits that you list, or doing it herself. State dept people are not suffering in their posts. They are so completely full of themselves, espcially when the wife is at home with the kids. BTDT.

No, I did not leave her with the "lovely choice of Russia and the armpits." At the last go around, she had the choice of Russia plus several other posts. The problem is, at least as posts, are concerned she never knows what she wants other than "Western Europe." Well, those are always oversubscribed, so you can do a prioritized ranking of positions by what you value in a post, i.e. spousal employment, schools, etc. She claims employment is her number 1 (schools is mine), but will rank a post with no employment opportunities for her if it is in "Western Europe."

I have all but given up on actually having a true joint decision on choosing posts with her. In one of our prior cycles, she insisted I put Cairo and South Africa as my 1st and 3rd choices, even after I told her that I had been told by post management they had other candidates for the positions. So, basically, we wasted two of our top three choices. Nairobi was our number 2. When we did the list, before submitting it, I asked DW whether there was any place on this list of 8 posts where she could not see herself for 3 - 4 years. If she said yes, I was going to take it off. She said no. When we received Nairobi, she announced she wouldn't go there. I said you can't change the agreed upon rules after the fact. She replied, "I can change whatever I want."

Actually, no you can't if you expect me to also play by the same rules.

Back to the problem at hand, what exactly does DW need that "nest egg" for? In case I get blown off the face of the earth in some terrorist attack? I have life insurance for that, and it is more than enough. She needs to buck up and use the insurance money for what it was intended and not as her own little secret kitty. I don't have one. Neither should she.

I just love the man-hating element on DCUM. You all must be real jewels of wives!

OP, I am a wife defending you here. Bottom line - there are a lot of bitches in this town. I'm sorry. Based on the additional information, I'm pretty sure your wife is acting like a child. I've met women like her and I'm not a fan. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP,
If you want to salvage what you can, you have to seriously tell your wife that your marriage is in trouble, and establish ground rules. Her backing out of choosing a country is really immature and silly, but points to a rejection of your lifestyle that you have to consider. In other words, overlook her methods for a minute to actually look at her motivations - this is not a happy woman! I suggest you do something about that. Therapy? Meds for depression, if that is it for her? Eventually, a career change for you? When are you definitely coming back to a stable position in the US?

You've been putting your head in the sand for years. Do something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,
If you want to salvage what you can, you have to seriously tell your wife that your marriage is in trouble, and establish ground rules. Her backing out of choosing a country is really immature and silly, but points to a rejection of your lifestyle that you have to consider. In other words, overlook her methods for a minute to actually look at her motivations - this is not a happy woman! I suggest you do something about that. Therapy? Meds for depression, if that is it for her? Eventually, a career change for you? When are you definitely coming back to a stable position in the US?

You've been putting your head in the sand for years. Do something.

PP above who is defending you and I have to agree with this. You have to decide if your relationship with your wife is worth salvaging and if so what you are willing to do to save it. I totally get where you are coming from, but that is the crux of the matter. The harpies ganging up on you are basically assuming everything is your fault when I'm guessing both of you bear some blame. That said, your description of your wife's behavior seems beyond the pale to me. You have to figure out why that is.

[Anonymous]

Borderline Personality Disorder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,
If you want to salvage what you can, you have to seriously tell your wife that your marriage is in trouble, and establish ground rules. Her backing out of choosing a country is really immature and silly, but points to a rejection of your lifestyle that you have to consider. In other words, overlook her methods for a minute to actually look at her motivations - this is not a happy woman! I suggest you do something about that. Therapy? Meds for depression, if that is it for her? Eventually, a career change for you? When are you definitely coming back to a stable position in the US?

You've been putting your head in the sand for years. Do something.

Why isn't it our lifestyle? I was doing this when DW met me. Did she think I would quit? If so, that has never been an expressed or realistic expectation. I am 10 years out from earliest retirement age - 55 - and still have one DD to get through college. In fact, I am really thinking when DD hits college I will need to go to some real sh**tholes just for the money - both to pay for college and to double up on retirement savings.

In our career with the FS, I don't think there is any place we have been that is truly bad. In 17 years of service, we have been to Russia, Ukraine, Ethiopia, Kenya and Korea. Kenya, IMHO, was the best place from lifestyle, education and work standpoint, but I left that to pursue other opportunities in Korea. As I am a fluent Russian speaker, my value added is in Russia or one of the FSU countries. She once asked me, "Why didn't you study French? Then we could be in Paris or Brussels?" Or Ouagadougou or Bangui or Dakar? Plus as an undergrad choosing a language to study really was dictated by what was in demand at the time, and frankly French and Spanish speakers are a dime a dozen. Speakers of harder languages - Asian, African or Slavic - are not.

Realistically, perhaps the road to Paris or Brussels, in the end, comes through Kabul.