DW Needs to Put on Her Big Girl Pants and Be an Adult

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what if DW keeps the 5K? You are far away and she cleans the mess. With the summer we are getting ready to have/having I think a back up system is a good idea. The insurance company will not be happy to compensate you twice. Have you actually seen the damage? It is easy to be far away and say...well it is no problem for me...
My DH did this and I sent him some of the soggy nasty stuff. When he saw it he understood better what I went through. It was just a small package, easliy thrown away... not a whole basement.

I doubt DW cleaned the mess aside from going into the basement and picking out the stuff she wanted saved. part of the insurance payment *is* paying people to haul out the junk.

But perhaps she did haul the mess out herself and that's why there's 5K left over. Maybe she made that choice so she could have a little nest egg. That would explain why she considers it compensation. FWIW, that's a choice I'd make in a heartbeat. As a SAHM, I could do it while the kids nap or after they go to bed. Perfect opportunity for some extra cash in my pocket. Nothing wrong with that at all. (And my DH would be cheering me on and be happy to consider the money my compensation.)

[Anonymous]

OP, things change and people change. Your last post now has me thinking that you likely are being needlessly dismissive of your wife's POV. You have to talk to her about these things without being dismissive. It sounds like neither one of you is happy. You need to decide jointly if you can be happy together moving forward, and if the answer is no you are probably better off splitting up.

[Anonymous]

Dude - you are giving out WAY too much information online. I think you sound like the childish one.

And I doubt you'll have a family to return to with that attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Russia. DW chose not to come. Her choice.

Foreign Service hardship tours can be 2 -3 years. This Fall's bidding list includes, for example:

Lagos - 3 years
Chengdu - 2 years
Chennai - 2 year
Guangzhou - 3 years
Hanoi - 3 years
HCM City - 3 years
Mumbai - 3 years

The list goes on. I've only counted posts with a 20 % or higher differential. Lagos is 25% plus a 15% Service Need Differential. Places like AIP countries are 1 year tours that are too dangerous for families. I would go to any of those three for a year before Lagos. Otherwisw, I will virtually go anywhere.

DW seems to think a career is somehow limited to Canada and Western Europe.

Yeah I got it OP, she is one of those spouses who wants to climb the easy ladder. She prefers to go to the luxury posts - Paris, London, Prague etc... I've come across a lot of these princess in my time. World wide availability does not apply to them. But I think the reason why she is squirreling away money may be because she's afraid you might call her one day and tell her you've found yourself a Russian beauty and want a divorce. There's a risk when you let your husband go on unaccompanied tours, particularly in places like Eastern Europe and Asia. If insecurity is causing her to steal money from the family that is a separate issue than the backup system.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. I'd be more concerned with her getting a bit on the side than me. I have a lot more integrity than she gives me credit for. Plus, I don't need another princess, and that's what a lot of Russian women here - at least those on the prowl for foreign men (and they are fewer and fewer) - seem to think they are.

[Anonymous]

Are you on this forum trolling for chicks? I'm sorry but most guys who come on here complaining about their wives ~ come across that way.

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I'd be more concerned with her getting a bit on the side than me. I have a lot more integrity than she gives me credit for. Plus, I don't need another princess, and that's what a lot of Russian women here - at least those on the prowl for foreign men (and they are fewer and fewer) - seem to think they are.

OP, I am new poster to this thread. Your relationship has bigger issues than this back-up system. It sounds like you are already looking for an out, and don't have much respect left for you wife. I am sure that comes across to her, not trying to justify her behavior. You seem to be in disagreement over this backup system when really it is about so much more than that between the two of you. From what I am reading, your DW's expectations for your overseas posts where not based in reality- there is not much you can do about that really, but they way you all communicate these expectations (for both of you) can be fixed here if you are willing, I am not sure about whether you are or not, based on your posts here- sounds like a lot of built up resentment between you.

You are frustrated that she expected something different from this lifestyle and the way she chose to handle it, which is fair. She is frustrated that she is home alone with the kids for three years, and even if that was her choice- it is still fair for her to feel like she is carrying a heavier load here. Do I think that entitles her to the insurance payment for whatever reason she is squirreling it away, not necessarily- I think it kinda depends on why she is doing that. If she wants a backup system she should get one with that money, that seems reasonable and logical. I do think it was interesting that another poster mentioned it might have to do with her insecurity about your relationship moving forward. You said you don't want another princess, blah, blah, blah but it doesn't mean she can't sense you are pretty much done even sympathizing with her in the slightest and she is panicking and storing money from when you leave her for someone more like you mom.

Good luck sorting this out, for everyone's sake I hope we have an easier summer, storm wise!

[Anonymous]

Well, you married her. She's your problem. And she married you. You're her problem.

[Anonymous]

Yep.

[Anonymous]

21:48, and a flood prevention system is not a family cost?

10:08, I bet you'd be complaining if OP clammed up.

OP, why must you have the 20% differential? Are there no jobs in Canada/Western Europe, or are they all WAY more competitive?

I will say (as a guy) that comparing her to your mother didn't help with the (mostly female) jury here.

It may be she is tired of the foreign service lifestyle. You may have to come back Stateside.

It may suck that she can't/won't handle it, but such is life. Not all women are able or willing to put up with it, year-in, year-out, for 20+ years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:21:48, and a flood prevention system is not a family cost?

10:08, I bet you'd be complaining if OP clammed up.

OP, why must you have the 20% differential? Are there no jobs in Canada/Western Europe, or are they all WAY more competitive?

I will say (as a guy) that comparing her to your mother didn't help with the (mostly female) jury here.

It may be she is tired of the foreign service lifestyle. You may have to come back Stateside.

It may suck that she can't/won't handle it, but such is life. Not all women are able or willing to put up with it, year-in, year-out, for 20+ years.

They are generally oversubscribed in terms of bidders with preference given to AIP graduates. So, yes they are competitive. They are generally useless when it comes to promotion - seen as less challenging. By the way, there are perfectly non-differential posts in Asia, such as Japan, but that means 18 months of language training. Again, a drag on promotion potential.

Kiev, in my book, is a perfectly acceptable 20 percent differential post. Moscow is 10 percent St. Petersburg 15. I'm not considering Almaty.

Brussels and Rome will be on the next list, as potentially Dusseldorf, where I have an "in" with post management. However, you are never guaranteed. You must put 8 bids and possibly may not avoid having to put a "sh*thole on your list depending on bid requirements. I am not required to bid on any hardship posts this go around - thank you for serving in Russia - but there at be slim pickings for non-hardships. That being said, I have expressed to my CDO my need for a good high school, and he advised bidding on either language designated positions or hardship posts to ensure I get that. There are actually hardship posts with excellent schools and spousal employment opportunities - New Delhi, for example, or Nairobi. Although, on the latter, I won't go there with teen DD for safety concerns. So, there are plenty of choices. The question is which choices do you want to make?

As to domestic tours, just did one. And frankly, why join the Foreign Service to be a desk jockey in Washington?. Those assignments are only 2 years in any case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you people who are justifying OP's wife's appropriation of $5K in INSURANCE MONEY mentally square your defense of this action? I don't get it. When you are married, you run a household as a team. That money is household money - not HER money. She's essentially stealing from her family, IMO.

While I'm not impressed with OP's attitude, I have to say his description (if it's accurate) of his wife makes it sound as if she wants a backup system and she doesn't want to have to take responsibility for getting it. I'm not impressed with that attitude either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think you have bigger issues with your wife than with your basement.

Yup. Please take your question to the Special Concerns forum

[Anonymous]

Are you the guy whose wife wouldn't get a job and also ended up getting arrested?