Step kid returns to nest - mixed feelings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From the stepson's viewpoint, this is what stinks when adults divorce and remarry!

Then, the young adult or kids, are "guests" in their one parent's home while the step parent continues to see them as a burden. I would be thrilled if my son lived with us in our city during an internship. His dad would feel the same. Parking in the driveway would cease, as I agree that is a pain, but otherwise I would be thrilled to provide a home base a low/no cost. The remarriage almost always messes up this dynamic. One is no longer simply going home, but instead, visiting mom or dad at their shared residence with that other person. No matter how wonderful that person might be, you are forever the outsider, esp, if they then have their own kids.

How odd. I would never expect to live with my bio parent as an adult. Married, divorced, blended, whatever-- it's not an entitlement. Especially if you're too much of a junior man-baby to clean up after yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From the stepson's viewpoint, this is what stinks when adults divorce and remarry!

Then, the young adult or kids, are "guests" in their one parent's home while the step parent continues to see them as a burden. I would be thrilled if my son lived with us in our city during an internship. His dad would feel the same. Parking in the driveway would cease, as I agree that is a pain, but otherwise I would be thrilled to provide a home base a low/no cost. The remarriage almost always messes up this dynamic. One is no longer simply going home, but instead, visiting mom or dad at their shared residence with that other person. No matter how wonderful that person might be, you are forever the outsider, esp, if they then have their own kids.

Not always. In my house, I am the outsider. The adult step kids rule the roost. They are slobs who don't do anything around the house. And I supposedly have no say or authority to get them to step up. My desires mean nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a stepmom to a stepson who sounds similar to yours so I get it. He lived away at college for a couple years but now is commuting even tho we offered to pay for dorms. I think that was the wrong call, as I think he needs to learn how to be on their own and develop adulting skills, but it wasn't my call.

I think you and your husband need to make clear to him, now, while he is making decisions about which route to choose, that you have been treating him as a guest but that that is too much work to do for an entire year. Just tell him, "You are welcome to come home for one year, but just know that the dynamic will need to be different because we have been treating you as a guest and since you will be here for a whole year, you will need to act as a household member instead. That means cleaning up after yourself - no dishes in room or left unwashed - doing your own laundry, keeping all your stuff in your room, washing sheets and towels at least twice a month, cleaning up after dinner, running the vacuum, etc. Also, you will need to always park in the street. And we need a copy of your car keys. Additionally, if you are dating someone, you cannot have that person in your bedroom. If you want to spend the night with them, you will have to do so at their place." If your DH won't get on board, just send that text or have that convo yourself.

Here's how I deal with the fact my DH will not hold his sons to higher standards: I make HIM do everything for them. If he doesn't want to make them take public transport, or clean up after themselves, or do their own laundry, fine. But HE is the chauffeur, laundry guy, and dish washer. Not me. And I'd be waking DH's ass up at 3am and saying, "You get out there and move that car." Or the second DSS parks behind you, you hand the keys to DH and say, "Move the car."

Also, I think your family would be better off not having him live there, honestly. If there is a way you can make that happen without causing waves, I'd steer the situation that way.

Ugh, this is why stepmoms get such a bad rap. Making your husband do everything is another way of emphasizing these are not my kids and I don’t really want them here instead of everyone communicating like a family, blended or not. I’m not saying that moms in any way need to wait on adult children, just that passively aggressively dumping on the bio parent will hit home to the kid that they’re unwanted and not fully family

He's 25! Neither parent nor stepparent should have to make accommodations. Just say no to him moving in or set up very clear rules to protect your sanity, especially around parking, cleanliness, common area usage, and noise. But in reality, your rules will be ignored by your 25 yo stepson and your husband won't back you up, so you should just say no. Maybe offer him a small stipend for a defined time period toward his rent with roommates.

[Anonymous]

What teen/young adult *doesn't* do their own laundry?? Am I right that this was something Op does? Ridiculous

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From the stepson's viewpoint, this is what stinks when adults divorce and remarry!

Then, the young adult or kids, are "guests" in their one parent's home while the step parent continues to see them as a burden. I would be thrilled if my son lived with us in our city during an internship. His dad would feel the same. Parking in the driveway would cease, as I agree that is a pain, but otherwise I would be thrilled to provide a home base a low/no cost. The remarriage almost always messes up this dynamic. One is no longer simply going home, but instead, visiting mom or dad at their shared residence with that other person. No matter how wonderful that person might be, you are forever the outsider, esp, if they then have their own kids.

Not always. In my house, I am the outsider. The adult step kids rule the roost. They are slobs who don't do anything around the house. And I supposedly have no say or authority to get them to step up. My desires mean nothing.

Why on earth did you marry into this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From the stepson's viewpoint, this is what stinks when adults divorce and remarry!

Then, the young adult or kids, are "guests" in their one parent's home while the step parent continues to see them as a burden. I would be thrilled if my son lived with us in our city during an internship. His dad would feel the same. Parking in the driveway would cease, as I agree that is a pain, but otherwise I would be thrilled to provide a home base a low/no cost. The remarriage almost always messes up this dynamic. One is no longer simply going home, but instead, visiting mom or dad at their shared residence with that other person. No matter how wonderful that person might be, you are forever the outsider, esp, if they then have their own kids.

Not always. In my house, I am the outsider. The adult step kids rule the roost. They are slobs who don't do anything around the house. And I supposedly have no say or authority to get them to step up. My desires mean nothing.

What's keeping you in the marriage then? Living alone sounds better than being an outsider who is disrespected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a stepmom to a stepson who sounds similar to yours so I get it. He lived away at college for a couple years but now is commuting even tho we offered to pay for dorms. I think that was the wrong call, as I think he needs to learn how to be on their own and develop adulting skills, but it wasn't my call.

I think you and your husband need to make clear to him, now, while he is making decisions about which route to choose, that you have been treating him as a guest but that that is too much work to do for an entire year. Just tell him, "You are welcome to come home for one year, but just know that the dynamic will need to be different because we have been treating you as a guest and since you will be here for a whole year, you will need to act as a household member instead. That means cleaning up after yourself - no dishes in room or left unwashed - doing your own laundry, keeping all your stuff in your room, washing sheets and towels at least twice a month, cleaning up after dinner, running the vacuum, etc. Also, you will need to always park in the street. And we need a copy of your car keys. Additionally, if you are dating someone, you cannot have that person in your bedroom. If you want to spend the night with them, you will have to do so at their place." If your DH won't get on board, just send that text or have that convo yourself.

Here's how I deal with the fact my DH will not hold his sons to higher standards: I make HIM do everything for them. If he doesn't want to make them take public transport, or clean up after themselves, or do their own laundry, fine. But HE is the chauffeur, laundry guy, and dish washer. Not me. And I'd be waking DH's ass up at 3am and saying, "You get out there and move that car." Or the second DSS parks behind you, you hand the keys to DH and say, "Move the car."

Also, I think your family would be better off not having him live there, honestly. If there is a way you can make that happen without causing waves, I'd steer the situation that way.

Ugh, this is why stepmoms get such a bad rap. Making your husband do everything is another way of emphasizing these are not my kids and I don’t really want them here instead of everyone communicating like a family, blended or not. I’m not saying that moms in any way need to wait on adult children, just that passively aggressively dumping on the bio parent will hit home to the kid that they’re unwanted and not fully family

No it's not!

Even if the son wasn't a step kid, this would still be the right solution to get back-up from the husband. You clearly haven't been on the forum that long if you think getting DHs to actually participate equally in childrearing (including enforcing rules) and household management isn't a widespread issue. All the threads about Fair Play and having to be crystal clear and document who is taking responsibility for what with DHs is a consistent issue, including getting to place where DH & DW agree on what constitutes a task being "done" and what is acceptable (e.g. DH might think putting laundry in machine is done since if they leave it long enough it "magically" get's done, while DW is like no - putting clean laundry in drawers is when the task is actually done).

Even otherwise great husbands who are feminists default is to take advantage of women's "invisible" labor.

[Anonymous]

young adult or kids, are "guests" in their one parent's home while the step parent continues to see them as a burden

Kind of but more similar than not, to any young adult coming home -- because they are an adult. Once in college, visits home meant: young adult does their own grocery shopping and cooks for themselves. Give me receipts and I'll reimburse for your groceries within reason. Yes we have some family meals but that's not to be assumed. Plenty of happy times and plenty of togetherness, but that does not change that we are all adults living together, for this period of time. Approach as housemates, and when something is bugging you or someone isn't handling enough of their own responsibilities, you tell them this has to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a stepmom to a stepson who sounds similar to yours so I get it. He lived away at college for a couple years but now is commuting even tho we offered to pay for dorms. I think that was the wrong call, as I think he needs to learn how to be on their own and develop adulting skills, but it wasn't my call.

I think you and your husband need to make clear to him, now, while he is making decisions about which route to choose, that you have been treating him as a guest but that that is too much work to do for an entire year. Just tell him, "You are welcome to come home for one year, but just know that the dynamic will need to be different because we have been treating you as a guest and since you will be here for a whole year, you will need to act as a household member instead. That means cleaning up after yourself - no dishes in room or left unwashed - doing your own laundry, keeping all your stuff in your room, washing sheets and towels at least twice a month, cleaning up after dinner, running the vacuum, etc. Also, you will need to always park in the street. And we need a copy of your car keys. Additionally, if you are dating someone, you cannot have that person in your bedroom. If you want to spend the night with them, you will have to do so at their place." If your DH won't get on board, just send that text or have that convo yourself.

Here's how I deal with the fact my DH will not hold his sons to higher standards: I make HIM do everything for them. If he doesn't want to make them take public transport, or clean up after themselves, or do their own laundry, fine. But HE is the chauffeur, laundry guy, and dish washer. Not me. And I'd be waking DH's ass up at 3am and saying, "You get out there and move that car." Or the second DSS parks behind you, you hand the keys to DH and say, "Move the car."

Also, I think your family would be better off not having him live there, honestly. If there is a way you can make that happen without causing waves, I'd steer the situation that way.

Ugh, this is why stepmoms get such a bad rap. Making your husband do everything is another way of emphasizing these are not my kids and I don’t really want them here instead of everyone communicating like a family, blended or not. I’m not saying that moms in any way need to wait on adult children, just that passively aggressively dumping on the bio parent will hit home to the kid that they’re unwanted and not fully family

NOPE. If I as stepmom am not given the authority to set standards and enforce rules, if my husband will not care enough about my feelings or desire to live in a clean house that he will back me up and stand beside me in holding the step kids to a normal level of civilized behavior, then it is on HIM to do the extra work to make up for their slack. He should be teaching them to clean up after themselves. They are legal adults, not five year olds. If he is not going to do that, then the extra work is on HIM.

Well said! And, would also be the case if it WASN'T a step kid, but a bio kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a stepmom to a stepson who sounds similar to yours so I get it. He lived away at college for a couple years but now is commuting even tho we offered to pay for dorms. I think that was the wrong call, as I think he needs to learn how to be on their own and develop adulting skills, but it wasn't my call.

I think you and your husband need to make clear to him, now, while he is making decisions about which route to choose, that you have been treating him as a guest but that that is too much work to do for an entire year. Just tell him, "You are welcome to come home for one year, but just know that the dynamic will need to be different because we have been treating you as a guest and since you will be here for a whole year, you will need to act as a household member instead. That means cleaning up after yourself - no dishes in room or left unwashed - doing your own laundry, keeping all your stuff in your room, washing sheets and towels at least twice a month, cleaning up after dinner, running the vacuum, etc. Also, you will need to always park in the street. And we need a copy of your car keys. Additionally, if you are dating someone, you cannot have that person in your bedroom. If you want to spend the night with them, you will have to do so at their place." If your DH won't get on board, just send that text or have that convo yourself.

Here's how I deal with the fact my DH will not hold his sons to higher standards: I make HIM do everything for them. If he doesn't want to make them take public transport, or clean up after themselves, or do their own laundry, fine. But HE is the chauffeur, laundry guy, and dish washer. Not me. And I'd be waking DH's ass up at 3am and saying, "You get out there and move that car." Or the second DSS parks behind you, you hand the keys to DH and say, "Move the car."

Also, I think your family would be better off not having him live there, honestly. If there is a way you can make that happen without causing waves, I'd steer the situation that way.

Ugh, this is why stepmoms get such a bad rap. Making your husband do everything is another way of emphasizing these are not my kids and I don’t really want them here instead of everyone communicating like a family, blended or not. I’m not saying that moms in any way need to wait on adult children, just that passively aggressively dumping on the bio parent will hit home to the kid that they’re unwanted and not fully family

No it's not!

Even if the son wasn't a step kid, this would still be the right solution to get back-up from the husband. You clearly haven't been on the forum that long if you think getting DHs to actually participate equally in childrearing (including enforcing rules) and household management isn't a widespread issue. All the threads about Fair Play and having to be crystal clear and document who is taking responsibility for what with DHs is a consistent issue, including getting to place where DH & DW agree on what constitutes a task being "done" and what is acceptable (e.g. DH might think putting laundry in machine is done since if they leave it long enough it "magically" get's done, while DW is like no - putting clean laundry in drawers is when the task is actually done).

Even otherwise great husbands who are feminists default is to take advantage of women's "invisible" labor.

On the laundry issue, first, obviously, never do his laundry. If he wants to wear dirty clothes, that's his choice. Once it's in the laundry room, tell him he has 30 minutes after a load to get it out of the washer and/or dryer and put it away so the next person can use it. If it's not done in that time frame, put it in a black garbage bag in his bedroom and let him deal with it on his own time. This is what my parents did to us growing up, and it worked. After about 2 times having wrinkled clothes for high school, I took responsibility and did my laundry properly.

[Anonymous]

For context, my kids have done their own laundry since high school. I think putting in place ground rules agreement makes sense and what most people do. Kids moving in for graduate school, internships or first jobs is becoming really common now. Rents have skyrocketed and it takes just one or two bad experiences with a room mate to be done with it. Group houses are expensive and landlords are savvier now meaning if one person drops out/doesn’t pay rent then the rest are responsible. If they can avoid the hassles and financial risk of living with others and save money it’s a win. As a parent from my perspective, if they are a good, mature member of the household then I’m getting more value out of my house.

1. Do your own laundry.
2. For dinners and meals at home , we’d always make enough for one more. We buy enough staples and other stuff to cover everyone. Leftovers are up for grabs for anyone. For anything outside of what everyone eats, you buy it.
3. My adult kid has their own bathroom. They have to clean it. I gave them a set of towels that is stored in their bathroom. They launder those and their sheets.
4.Dishes. Everyone rinses their own dishes.
5. Roomba does the vacuuming.
6. You dust your own room.
7. You are expected to help with weekend stuff but it doesn’t have to happen every weekend. When DS is home from college, he does anything that requires heavy lifting. He also sweeps the patio and side yards. DD likes to pressure wash and clean windows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s shifting from guest mode to family resident. Make some happy joking comments about that to plant the idea in his brain. “It’ll be nice to get some help with making dinner [or whatever].”

For the parking, when he declines your request, don’t drop it. Say, “I know you will move it if I ask you to, but it has stressed me out for years and since now you’re an adult, you will understand where I’m coming from. And eve if you think it’s irrational, this is what I’m asking.” Just make the conversation so that if he keeps saying no, he’s a dick. And expect to remind him. And have the initia conversation without your husband around to interfere.

Ugh. This sort of passive aggressive comment is enraging. Just be forthright.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:pp and just wanted to add that only a step child (I am one) would feel the need to check if living at home during their grad school years was ok. Bio kids would feel comfortable enough to just plan on it. Use the time to strengthen everyone’s communication and bonds and you’ll all benefit for life. And maybe go to therapy during this year to vent in a safe space so you’re not full of resentment and can communicate about the cars etc. Expect him to do some annoying things and be a parent and work through it together.

Uh, no. This is not correct.

[Anonymous]

why does he have to be a "guest"? if he's going to live there, I assume rent free, he can be a contributing member of the family expected to have chores, park his car where he's not blocking anyone etc.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one on here who is happy to do all the laundry? DH likes to grocery shop. Adult kid likes to cook. Works out for us.