Step kid returns to nest - mixed feelings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
His entire stay at your home isn’t going to go well at all .. Starting w this parking in the driveway thing.

That’s a low key power struggle thing.

This. Maybe he's doing it to express and get revenge for his unhappiness about his family situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to welcome him back but also set some boundaries. As a parent you owe him that because you are doing him no good by treating as a guest for a year. Approach it from the angle of having respect for him - we acknowledge that you are an adult and want to be treated as one and have a conversation about how adults should be coving.

+1.

And I get it OP, I’m a stepmom to an adult man as well.

Think of it from the angle of how you would treat your own kids. I’m sure you’d welcome them back, and it sounds like your kids are good at respect, cleaning up after themselves, etc, but honestly if some dirty dishes in the bedroom is among the worst you have to deal with, you’re doing pretty good. But definitely set the expectations. Expect them not to be followed all the time, or it’ll wear off over some time, and reminders will be needed.

The year will go quickly.

I'm a regular mom, and I wouldn't welcome back a 25 + year old who blocked my car with his car, didn't do his own laundry, didn't clean up after himself, and especially not if he's noisy, brings women over for hookups, takes over the TV, leaves half-done laundry in the laundryroom (assuming you get him to do his own laundry). You're not going to fix these problems once he's 25 if he's your own son, let alone a stepson. Not going to happen. You're going to spend a year being miserable and venting on here. Or you just say no and tell him that at 25 it's time to find his own place.

[Anonymous]

Of course you need to allow your kid to live with you during their education/ training and even later if they’re saving for a house. This is so different from someone bouncing back without a plan. And a child of divorce doubly needs to feel like each family home is always open to him. what a gift to have two siblings living together again. Obviously he won’t be treated like a guest but a family member. When my oldest comes home for the week of thanksgiving we lay out the red carpet. When she’s home for summer she has to do regular chores and be considerate. You signed up for a blended family and that lasts for life. Even if you divorced, this is your kids’ brother.

[Anonymous]

pp and just wanted to add that only a step child (I am one) would feel the need to check if living at home during their grad school years was ok. Bio kids would feel comfortable enough to just plan on it. Use the time to strengthen everyone’s communication and bonds and you’ll all benefit for life. And maybe go to therapy during this year to vent in a safe space so you’re not full of resentment and can communicate about the cars etc. Expect him to do some annoying things and be a parent and work through it together.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am a stepmom to a stepson who sounds similar to yours so I get it. He lived away at college for a couple years but now is commuting even tho we offered to pay for dorms. I think that was the wrong call, as I think he needs to learn how to be on their own and develop adulting skills, but it wasn't my call.

I think you and your husband need to make clear to him, now, while he is making decisions about which route to choose, that you have been treating him as a guest but that that is too much work to do for an entire year. Just tell him, "You are welcome to come home for one year, but just know that the dynamic will need to be different because we have been treating you as a guest and since you will be here for a whole year, you will need to act as a household member instead. That means cleaning up after yourself - no dishes in room or left unwashed - doing your own laundry, keeping all your stuff in your room, washing sheets and towels at least twice a month, cleaning up after dinner, running the vacuum, etc. Also, you will need to always park in the street. And we need a copy of your car keys. Additionally, if you are dating someone, you cannot have that person in your bedroom. If you want to spend the night with them, you will have to do so at their place." If your DH won't get on board, just send that text or have that convo yourself.

Here's how I deal with the fact my DH will not hold his sons to higher standards: I make HIM do everything for them. If he doesn't want to make them take public transport, or clean up after themselves, or do their own laundry, fine. But HE is the chauffeur, laundry guy, and dish washer. Not me. And I'd be waking DH's ass up at 3am and saying, "You get out there and move that car." Or the second DSS parks behind you, you hand the keys to DH and say, "Move the car."

Also, I think your family would be better off not having him live there, honestly. If there is a way you can make that happen without causing waves, I'd steer the situation that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a stepmom to a stepson who sounds similar to yours so I get it. He lived away at college for a couple years but now is commuting even tho we offered to pay for dorms. I think that was the wrong call, as I think he needs to learn how to be on their own and develop adulting skills, but it wasn't my call.

I think you and your husband need to make clear to him, now, while he is making decisions about which route to choose, that you have been treating him as a guest but that that is too much work to do for an entire year. Just tell him, "You are welcome to come home for one year, but just know that the dynamic will need to be different because we have been treating you as a guest and since you will be here for a whole year, you will need to act as a household member instead. That means cleaning up after yourself - no dishes in room or left unwashed - doing your own laundry, keeping all your stuff in your room, washing sheets and towels at least twice a month, cleaning up after dinner, running the vacuum, etc. Also, you will need to always park in the street. And we need a copy of your car keys. Additionally, if you are dating someone, you cannot have that person in your bedroom. If you want to spend the night with them, you will have to do so at their place." If your DH won't get on board, just send that text or have that convo yourself.

Here's how I deal with the fact my DH will not hold his sons to higher standards: I make HIM do everything for them. If he doesn't want to make them take public transport, or clean up after themselves, or do their own laundry, fine. But HE is the chauffeur, laundry guy, and dish washer. Not me. And I'd be waking DH's ass up at 3am and saying, "You get out there and move that car." Or the second DSS parks behind you, you hand the keys to DH and say, "Move the car."

Also, I think your family would be better off not having him live there, honestly. If there is a way you can make that happen without causing waves, I'd steer the situation that way.

Love it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:pp and just wanted to add that only a step child (I am one) would feel the need to check if living at home during their grad school years was ok. Bio kids would feel comfortable enough to just plan on it. Use the time to strengthen everyone’s communication and bonds and you’ll all benefit for life. And maybe go to therapy during this year to vent in a safe space so you’re not full of resentment and can communicate about the cars etc. Expect him to do some annoying things and be a parent and work through it together.

Huh? I would definitely not feel entitled to that without asking as a bio child or a stepchild, and I am both. And I would be aghast if my own bio kids were so presumptuous. There's a lot to be learned by standing on your own two feet and taking care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a stepmom to a stepson who sounds similar to yours so I get it. He lived away at college for a couple years but now is commuting even tho we offered to pay for dorms. I think that was the wrong call, as I think he needs to learn how to be on their own and develop adulting skills, but it wasn't my call.

I think you and your husband need to make clear to him, now, while he is making decisions about which route to choose, that you have been treating him as a guest but that that is too much work to do for an entire year. Just tell him, "You are welcome to come home for one year, but just know that the dynamic will need to be different because we have been treating you as a guest and since you will be here for a whole year, you will need to act as a household member instead. That means cleaning up after yourself - no dishes in room or left unwashed - doing your own laundry, keeping all your stuff in your room, washing sheets and towels at least twice a month, cleaning up after dinner, running the vacuum, etc. Also, you will need to always park in the street. And we need a copy of your car keys. Additionally, if you are dating someone, you cannot have that person in your bedroom. If you want to spend the night with them, you will have to do so at their place." If your DH won't get on board, just send that text or have that convo yourself.

Here's how I deal with the fact my DH will not hold his sons to higher standards: I make HIM do everything for them. If he doesn't want to make them take public transport, or clean up after themselves, or do their own laundry, fine. But HE is the chauffeur, laundry guy, and dish washer. Not me. And I'd be waking DH's ass up at 3am and saying, "You get out there and move that car." Or the second DSS parks behind you, you hand the keys to DH and say, "Move the car."

Also, I think your family would be better off not having him live there, honestly. If there is a way you can make that happen without causing waves, I'd steer the situation that way.

Ugh, this is why stepmoms get such a bad rap. Making your husband do everything is another way of emphasizing these are not my kids and I don’t really want them here instead of everyone communicating like a family, blended or not. I’m not saying that moms in any way need to wait on adult children, just that passively aggressively dumping on the bio parent will hit home to the kid that they’re unwanted and not fully family

[Anonymous]

What’s wrong with you?

He’s an adult so yes he ca. do his laundry and help around the house a little like a human. Might.

If you are cooking for everyone he’s family too!

You sound like a hire step mother controlling and annoying thus us not rocket science. You said he’s a good kid so something is wrong with you rules??? How absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a stepmom to a stepson who sounds similar to yours so I get it. He lived away at college for a couple years but now is commuting even tho we offered to pay for dorms. I think that was the wrong call, as I think he needs to learn how to be on their own and develop adulting skills, but it wasn't my call.

I think you and your husband need to make clear to him, now, while he is making decisions about which route to choose, that you have been treating him as a guest but that that is too much work to do for an entire year. Just tell him, "You are welcome to come home for one year, but just know that the dynamic will need to be different because we have been treating you as a guest and since you will be here for a whole year, you will need to act as a household member instead. That means cleaning up after yourself - no dishes in room or left unwashed - doing your own laundry, keeping all your stuff in your room, washing sheets and towels at least twice a month, cleaning up after dinner, running the vacuum, etc. Also, you will need to always park in the street. And we need a copy of your car keys. Additionally, if you are dating someone, you cannot have that person in your bedroom. If you want to spend the night with them, you will have to do so at their place." If your DH won't get on board, just send that text or have that convo yourself.

Here's how I deal with the fact my DH will not hold his sons to higher standards: I make HIM do everything for them. If he doesn't want to make them take public transport, or clean up after themselves, or do their own laundry, fine. But HE is the chauffeur, laundry guy, and dish washer. Not me. And I'd be waking DH's ass up at 3am and saying, "You get out there and move that car." Or the second DSS parks behind you, you hand the keys to DH and say, "Move the car."

Also, I think your family would be better off not having him live there, honestly. If there is a way you can make that happen without causing waves, I'd steer the situation that way.

Ugh, this is why stepmoms get such a bad rap. Making your husband do everything is another way of emphasizing these are not my kids and I don’t really want them here instead of everyone communicating like a family, blended or not. I’m not saying that moms in any way need to wait on adult children, just that passively aggressively dumping on the bio parent will hit home to the kid that they’re unwanted and not fully family

If the bio parent would do a good job parenting, she wouldn't need to.

[Anonymous]

From the stepson's viewpoint, this is what stinks when adults divorce and remarry!

Then, the young adult or kids, are "guests" in their one parent's home while the step parent continues to see them as a burden. I would be thrilled if my son lived with us in our city during an internship. His dad would feel the same. Parking in the driveway would cease, as I agree that is a pain, but otherwise I would be thrilled to provide a home base a low/no cost. The remarriage almost always messes up this dynamic. One is no longer simply going home, but instead, visiting mom or dad at their shared residence with that other person. No matter how wonderful that person might be, you are forever the outsider, esp, if they then have their own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s wrong with you?

He’s an adult so yes he ca. do his laundry and help around the house a little like a human. Might.

If you are cooking for everyone he’s family too!

You sound like a hire step mother controlling and annoying thus us not rocket science. You said he’s a good kid so something is wrong with you rules??? How absurd.

100% They bring it on themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a stepmom to a stepson who sounds similar to yours so I get it. He lived away at college for a couple years but now is commuting even tho we offered to pay for dorms. I think that was the wrong call, as I think he needs to learn how to be on their own and develop adulting skills, but it wasn't my call.

I think you and your husband need to make clear to him, now, while he is making decisions about which route to choose, that you have been treating him as a guest but that that is too much work to do for an entire year. Just tell him, "You are welcome to come home for one year, but just know that the dynamic will need to be different because we have been treating you as a guest and since you will be here for a whole year, you will need to act as a household member instead. That means cleaning up after yourself - no dishes in room or left unwashed - doing your own laundry, keeping all your stuff in your room, washing sheets and towels at least twice a month, cleaning up after dinner, running the vacuum, etc. Also, you will need to always park in the street. And we need a copy of your car keys. Additionally, if you are dating someone, you cannot have that person in your bedroom. If you want to spend the night with them, you will have to do so at their place." If your DH won't get on board, just send that text or have that convo yourself.

Here's how I deal with the fact my DH will not hold his sons to higher standards: I make HIM do everything for them. If he doesn't want to make them take public transport, or clean up after themselves, or do their own laundry, fine. But HE is the chauffeur, laundry guy, and dish washer. Not me. And I'd be waking DH's ass up at 3am and saying, "You get out there and move that car." Or the second DSS parks behind you, you hand the keys to DH and say, "Move the car."

Also, I think your family would be better off not having him live there, honestly. If there is a way you can make that happen without causing waves, I'd steer the situation that way.

Ugh, this is why stepmoms get such a bad rap. Making your husband do everything is another way of emphasizing these are not my kids and I don’t really want them here instead of everyone communicating like a family, blended or not. I’m not saying that moms in any way need to wait on adult children, just that passively aggressively dumping on the bio parent will hit home to the kid that they’re unwanted and not fully family

NOPE. If I as stepmom am not given the authority to set standards and enforce rules, if my husband will not care enough about my feelings or desire to live in a clean house that he will back me up and stand beside me in holding the step kids to a normal level of civilized behavior, then it is on HIM to do the extra work to make up for their slack. He should be teaching them to clean up after themselves. They are legal adults, not five year olds. If he is not going to do that, then the extra work is on HIM.

[Anonymous]

only a step child (I am one) would feel the need to check if living at home during their grad school years was ok. Bio kids would feel comfortable enough to just plan on it.

Not true, step child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a stepmom to a stepson who sounds similar to yours so I get it. He lived away at college for a couple years but now is commuting even tho we offered to pay for dorms. I think that was the wrong call, as I think he needs to learn how to be on their own and develop adulting skills, but it wasn't my call.

I think you and your husband need to make clear to him, now, while he is making decisions about which route to choose, that you have been treating him as a guest but that that is too much work to do for an entire year. Just tell him, "You are welcome to come home for one year, but just know that the dynamic will need to be different because we have been treating you as a guest and since you will be here for a whole year, you will need to act as a household member instead. That means cleaning up after yourself - no dishes in room or left unwashed - doing your own laundry, keeping all your stuff in your room, washing sheets and towels at least twice a month, cleaning up after dinner, running the vacuum, etc. Also, you will need to always park in the street. And we need a copy of your car keys. Additionally, if you are dating someone, you cannot have that person in your bedroom. If you want to spend the night with them, you will have to do so at their place." If your DH won't get on board, just send that text or have that convo yourself.

Here's how I deal with the fact my DH will not hold his sons to higher standards: I make HIM do everything for them. If he doesn't want to make them take public transport, or clean up after themselves, or do their own laundry, fine. But HE is the chauffeur, laundry guy, and dish washer. Not me. And I'd be waking DH's ass up at 3am and saying, "You get out there and move that car." Or the second DSS parks behind you, you hand the keys to DH and say, "Move the car."

Also, I think your family would be better off not having him live there, honestly. If there is a way you can make that happen without causing waves, I'd steer the situation that way.

Love it!

+100

Make it DH's problem then he may start to care.

If that doesn't work you could start imposing a "fine". Say $100 for each instance the car is blocking you in (whether you have an emergency or not) payable by the end of the day. It has to be an amount that will actually mean something to the stepson. You just need to make sure to him and DH about the fine before hand. I've known parents that have used this approach for their bio kids on other issues.