Step kid returns to nest - mixed feelings

[Anonymous]

I wasn't quite sure the forum to put this in. My stepson has been in my life for almost 20 years. He's currently 25. We had a good relationship when he was a kid and young teen. There was a rough period, for everyone, in his late teens due to some mental health/addiction issues, but he really got his life together, got back to school, got into treatment. For the past five years, he's been a successful grad student and just really happy in his life.

Anyhow, his final year of grad school is an internship. He got his third choice, which is in our city. I'm really happy for him.... but... he wants to move back in for a year.

I think it will be nice for our family. It's also my youngests last year at home and they are really close, so it's great for her too. But I'm anxious about having another "adult" in the household.

For the past 5 years, I've really treated him like a guest when he's been here. Cooked all meals, of course paid for everything, cleaned up after him, did his laundry, all his dishes. Even just rolled with my personal pet peeve - parking in driveway and blocking my car when street parking is easy.

Here's the thing. I know my husband. He won't set any "rules"

Has anyone had an adult kid move back in under these circumstances? He's really a wonderful person. But I'm not sure I can take a "guest" for a year. To be fair, my husband does just as much, so it's definitely not all on me. But I know, after a week or two, it already wears thin when I'm down in the basement collecting dirty dishes or getting texts with grocery lists. I'm not sure about a year!

[Anonymous]

You are going to have to set rules and manage expectations.

Does he pay for food or eat what you have or some other option?

It's going to be that for everything...cleaning, food, laundry, parking.

Also, why are you getting dirty dishes out of his room. That never should have been the case.

[Anonymous]

My advice is to set clear expectations before he moves in. Letting this stuff fester is a recipe for disaster. Just have an adult, frank conversation with him. I wouldn’t present it as a list of demands, but as a chat about how to make his time there work well for everyone.

[Anonymous]

What are the rules/expectations you have for your oldest, who is on the cusp of adulthood? You shouldn't be cleaning up anyone's dirty cups but doing family grocery shopping is reasonable.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I mention this is my stepson because I think it's still relevant. My husband will, absolutely, not set rules or expectations. I can guarantee this. I joke about the driveway thing, but I've complained about this for years (I work a medical job where I might get called in at 3am emergently, so it's a pet peeve 98% of the time, but a significant issue a few times a year - but literally no support on this request)

With the biological kids, they aren't perfect, but if I say "dishes please" it will be done within 10-15 minutes. Or if I've had a long work day, I'll tell them dinner is on them tonight. But, for five years, the stepson has been in guest mode.

Yes, a lot of this is a husband issue. But if I can't fix it for our mutual kids, realistically, I'll have no traction here. So I have to figure out how to deal.

[Anonymous]

What happens when you ask him to park in the street instead of the driveway?

[Anonymous]

You need to welcome him back but also set some boundaries. As a parent you owe him that because you are doing him no good by treating as a guest for a year. Approach it from the angle of having respect for him - we acknowledge that you are an adult and want to be treated as one and have a conversation about how adults should be coving.

[Anonymous]

He’s 25. Just tell him david, I’m thrilled to have you back. I’m on call and need access to my car at all hours. Please park in the street. Ask him for his schedule so you know if you’ll need to include him in cooking. I would make sure it’s clear that all dishes need to be brought to the kitchen and out in the dishwasher. If it’s full, unload it. If the trash is full; take it out. Hopefully same rules with bio kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you ask him to park in the street instead of the driveway?

He parks in the driveway. I ask him to move. He says to just tell him when I need to leave and he will move. And my husband says to chill out and since he, husband, doesn't care if folks park behind him, he, husband, isn't going to back me up on this.

I know. It's 90% a husband issue. But he's almost 70 and I'm not changing him.

[Anonymous]

It's your home too. You can set rules and expect him to abide by them. You can't push this all on your husband just because he is your husband's child. It's your home and he needs to abide by the same rules as everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you ask him to park in the street instead of the driveway?

He parks in the driveway. I ask him to move. He says to just tell him when I need to leave and he will move. And my husband says to chill out and since he, husband, doesn't care if folks park behind him, he, husband, isn't going to back me up on this.

I know. It's 90% a husband issue. But he's almost 70 and I'm not changing him.

You may need to start parking on the street yourself.

[Anonymous]

My adult sons can kinda revert backwards when they're home. I don't do their laundry but I do run a load of towels or bedsheets. I tell them to take out the trash or make a grocery run. One son is better and he will unload/load the dishwasher on his own.
The other son likes a list of things to do to cross off but I'm a single homeowner and need help.

[Anonymous]

(OP ... typo correction... husband almost 60)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you ask him to park in the street instead of the driveway?

He parks in the driveway. I ask him to move. He says to just tell him when I need to leave and he will move. And my husband says to chill out and since he, husband, doesn't care if folks park behind him, he, husband, isn't going to back me up on this.

I know. It's 90% a husband issue. But he's almost 70 and I'm not changing him.

You may need to start parking on the street yourself.

OP here. I have! Rather than block people in. I figured I'd model what I request! But honestly, between rain, cold, and unloading, I'd like to park in the lovely garage. There has to be some perks to being one paying for the place. (And the cars! He has my old car)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My adult sons can kinda revert backwards when they're home. I don't do their laundry but I do run a load of towels or bedsheets. I tell them to take out the trash or make a grocery run. One son is better and he will unload/load the dishwasher on his own.
The other son likes a list of things to do to cross off but I'm a single homeowner and need help.

I kind of like the list idea. I think things would go better if I made the requests in the moment rather than having general "rules"