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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I am a stepmom to a stepson who sounds similar to yours so I get it. He lived away at college for a couple years but now is commuting even tho we offered to pay for dorms. I think that was the wrong call, as I think he needs to learn how to be on their own and develop adulting skills, but it wasn't my call.

I think you and your husband need to make clear to him, now, while he is making decisions about which route to choose, that you have been treating him as a guest but that that is too much work to do for an entire year. Just tell him, "You are welcome to come home for one year, but just know that the dynamic will need to be different because we have been treating you as a guest and since you will be here for a whole year, you will need to act as a household member instead. That means cleaning up after yourself - no dishes in room or left unwashed - doing your own laundry, keeping all your stuff in your room, washing sheets and towels at least twice a month, cleaning up after dinner, running the vacuum, etc. Also, you will need to always park in the street. And we need a copy of your car keys. Additionally, if you are dating someone, you cannot have that person in your bedroom. If you want to spend the night with them, you will have to do so at their place." If your DH won't get on board, just send that text or have that convo yourself.

Here's how I deal with the fact my DH will not hold his sons to higher standards: I make HIM do everything for them. If he doesn't want to make them take public transport, or clean up after themselves, or do their own laundry, fine. But HE is the chauffeur, laundry guy, and dish washer. Not me. And I'd be waking DH's ass up at 3am and saying, "You get out there and move that car." Or the second DSS parks behind you, you hand the keys to DH and say, "Move the car."

Also, I think your family would be better off not having him live there, honestly. If there is a way you can make that happen without causing waves, I'd steer the situation that way.[/quote]

[b]Ugh, this is why stepmoms get such a bad rap.[/b] Making your husband do everything is another way of emphasizing these are not my kids and I don’t really want them here instead of everyone communicating like a family, blended or not. I’m not saying that moms in any way need to wait on adult children, just that passively aggressively dumping on the bio parent will hit home to the kid that they’re unwanted and not fully family [/quote]

[b]No it's not!  [/b]

Even if the son wasn't a step kid, this would still be the right solution to get back-up from the husband.  You clearly haven't been on the forum that long if you think getting DHs to actually participate equally in childrearing (including enforcing rules) and household management isn't a widespread issue.  All the threads about Fair Play and having to be crystal clear and document who is taking responsibility for what with DHs is a consistent issue, including getting to place where DH & DW agree on what constitutes a task being "done" and what is acceptable (e.g. DH might think putting laundry in machine is done since if they leave it long enough it "magically" get's done, while DW is like no - putting clean laundry in drawers is when the task is actually done).

Even otherwise great husbands who are feminists default is to take advantage of women's "invisible" labor.[/quote]

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