Step kid returns to nest - mixed feelings

[Anonymous]

In this situation where you need to get out quickly in basically an emergency, I might keep a couple of traffic cones in the driveway to stop people parking there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In this situation where you need to get out quickly in basically an emergency, I might keep a couple of traffic cones in the driveway to stop people parking there.

I’m confused. Why exactly does the OP need to get out of the garage quickly at night?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this situation where you need to get out quickly in basically an emergency, I might keep a couple of traffic cones in the driveway to stop people parking there.

I’m confused. Why exactly does the OP need to get out of the garage quickly at night?

OP here. I'm a physician. I do weird shift work hours so it's hard to predict when I'm coming and going. And, yes, 50% of the time I'm on emergent backup call where I have to be at the hospital within 30 minutes. It happens like 3 or 4 times a year.

[Anonymous]

OP again. But I think that's kind of a red herring. It's still annoying. I've been blocked more trying to just leave the house at 6:30 for regular shifts than for emergency calls. And also no fun doing grocery shopping after a 24 hour shift and being blocked from my garage spot.

(No one literally takes my spot in the garage. They just park behind it in the driveway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this situation where you need to get out quickly in basically an emergency, I might keep a couple of traffic cones in the driveway to stop people parking there.

I’m confused. Why exactly does the OP need to get out of the garage quickly at night?

OP here. I'm a physician. I do weird shift work hours so it's hard to predict when I'm coming and going. And, yes, 50% of the time I'm on emergent backup call where I have to be at the hospital within 30 minutes. It happens like 3 or 4 times a year.

Uh, ya! He can't park in your driveway, period.

[Anonymous]

"I'll move when you need to get out"
"I'm leaving now."
Then drive around the block.

Or wake him at 3 am repeatedly to move his car. After he has, say, "Whoops, false alarm."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one on here who is happy to do all the laundry? DH likes to grocery shop. Adult kid likes to cook. Works out for us.

Probably. My kids started doing their own laundry around age 12 (though I assisted the first few years of the transition). They also help with sheets and towels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. But I think that's kind of a red herring. It's still annoying. I've been blocked more trying to just leave the house at 6:30 for regular shifts than for emergency calls. And also no fun doing grocery shopping after a 24 hour shift and being blocked from my garage spot.

(No one literally takes my spot in the garage. They just park behind it in the driveway.

Why can't they park behind your husband's spot in the garage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I'll move when you need to get out"
"I'm leaving now."
Then drive around the block.

Or wake him at 3 am repeatedly to move his car. After he has, say, "Whoops, false alarm."

This can't happen. She's a physician who works emergency shifts. What if he can't find his keys at 3 am? This needs to be a hard rule, and her DH needs to be the one enforcing it anytime it's broken, and his care is parked in the driveway, not the street. Really, he shouldn't be moving home. She's working a full load as a physician, she’s got younger kids at home that she’s still parenting, and she’s said that when he’s there, she cooks all the meals, pays for everything, cleans up after him, does his laundry, and cleans all his dishes. He is 25. OP, this situation is nuts. Working a full-time job as a physician, parenting minor children, and then having a 25-year-old adult stepchild at home who behaves in this manner would drive anyone crazy. It’s only a matter of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. But I think that's kind of a red herring. It's still annoying. I've been blocked more trying to just leave the house at 6:30 for regular shifts than for emergency calls. And also no fun doing grocery shopping after a 24 hour shift and being blocked from my garage spot.

(No one literally takes my spot in the garage. They just park behind it in the driveway.

Why can't they park behind your husband's spot in the garage?

They usually do because he doesn't care. But his schedule is much more predictable so they won't when they know he is coming to going. Whereas since my schedule is random, it's always " I thought it wouldn't be a problem"

[Anonymous]

Oh, and to be fair, I'm not all that concerned about meals and laundry. We don't do a lot of family dinners, my youngest is 17 and busy most nights, but when DSS comes home now, it's an event, so we step it up. Im sure we will revert to normal when he's living here. And he will likely be busy himself! Laundry, similar, it's like 1 or 2 loads max. So it's just something nice to do when he's visiting. But I'm not concerned about dropping the ball on that. The increased mess and car situation are what's causing me anticipatory stress!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you ask him to park in the street instead of the driveway?

He parks in the driveway. I ask him to move. He says to just tell him when I need to leave and he will move. And my husband says to chill out and since he, husband, doesn't care if folks park behind him, he, husband, isn't going to back me up on this.

I know. It's 90% a husband issue. But he's almost 70 and I'm not changing him.

You may need to start parking on the street yourself.

or park so another car won't fit.

This is the passive aggressive answer

That’s not passive aggressive. She’s making sure she doesn’t get blocked in. Passive aggressive would be purposefully blocking him in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a stepmom to a stepson who sounds similar to yours so I get it. He lived away at college for a couple years but now is commuting even tho we offered to pay for dorms. I think that was the wrong call, as I think he needs to learn how to be on their own and develop adulting skills, but it wasn't my call.

I think you and your husband need to make clear to him, now, while he is making decisions about which route to choose, that you have been treating him as a guest but that that is too much work to do for an entire year. Just tell him, "You are welcome to come home for one year, but just know that the dynamic will need to be different because we have been treating you as a guest and since you will be here for a whole year, you will need to act as a household member instead. That means cleaning up after yourself - no dishes in room or left unwashed - doing your own laundry, keeping all your stuff in your room, washing sheets and towels at least twice a month, cleaning up after dinner, running the vacuum, etc. Also, you will need to always park in the street. And we need a copy of your car keys. Additionally, if you are dating someone, you cannot have that person in your bedroom. If you want to spend the night with them, you will have to do so at their place." If your DH won't get on board, just send that text or have that convo yourself.

Here's how I deal with the fact my DH will not hold his sons to higher standards: I make HIM do everything for them. If he doesn't want to make them take public transport, or clean up after themselves, or do their own laundry, fine. But HE is the chauffeur, laundry guy, and dish washer. Not me. And I'd be waking DH's ass up at 3am and saying, "You get out there and move that car." Or the second DSS parks behind you, you hand the keys to DH and say, "Move the car."

Also, I think your family would be better off not having him live there, honestly. If there is a way you can make that happen without causing waves, I'd steer the situation that way.

Ugh, this is why stepmoms get such a bad rap. Making your husband do everything is another way of emphasizing these are not my kids and I don’t really want them here instead of everyone communicating like a family, blended or not. I’m not saying that moms in any way need to wait on adult children, just that passively aggressively dumping on the bio parent will hit home to the kid that they’re unwanted and not fully family

Nope.

This is behavior I would not tolerate from my own children and I certainly do not want to send the message that 16 year old son has to clean up after himself but 25 year old stepson gets maid service.

The option to wait on both kids is out of the question because I adamantly refuse to raise my child to be this helpless, but I can’t force those values on a stepchild.

The only compromise is for the husband not wanting to have any standards for his son is for him to take on all maid service. If my son asks why he doesn’t have to pick up after himself, it’s because he was raised by a different mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. But I think that's kind of a red herring. It's still annoying. I've been blocked more trying to just leave the house at 6:30 for regular shifts than for emergency calls. And also no fun doing grocery shopping after a 24 hour shift and being blocked from my garage spot.

(No one literally takes my spot in the garage. They just park behind it in the driveway.

I’m a PP who has assigned my kids parking spots. I honestly cannot fathom the disrespect you are experiencing. The idea of emergencies and schedules are irrelevant. When you tell your kids, step kids, nieces, nephews, their friends or whomever that they cannot block you in, it shouldn’t happen. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you ask him to park in the street instead of the driveway?

He parks in the driveway. I ask him to move. He says to just tell him when I need to leave and he will move. And my husband says to chill out and since he, husband, doesn't care if folks park behind him, he, husband, isn't going to back me up on this.

I know. It's 90% a husband issue. But he's almost 70 and I'm not changing him.

You may need to start parking on the street yourself.

or park so another car won't fit.

This is the passive aggressive answer

That’s not passive aggressive. She’s making sure she doesn’t get blocked in. Passive aggressive would be purposefully blocking him in.

It's literally the same thing.