Need an outside perspective

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This is unrelated, but I also need to learn how to deal with another scenario that makes me really uncomfortable.

Sometimes there is something I can sense my husband is very angry about, and has decided to talk to me about it in a “calm” manner. As one example, it might be about me not going to bed when he goes to bed.

But the way he approaches me with it kind of freaks me out. He asks to talk to me about a problem. He usually does this at work he most inopprtune time. Maybe when I’m stressed about an event I’m preparing for that evening and about to walk out the door.

He talks to me with very wide unblinking eyes. Which is unsettling to me. I laugh it off nervously or I might say “what’s wrong?”

And then he won’t let it go. And I can’t even respond appropriately because then I’m also upset at his terrible timing but don’t want to be insensitive to something that is obviously so upsetting to him and he takes seriously.

And then it’s some sort of discussion where I basically feel like I’m being controlled and he’s feeling disrespected.

But the whole thing is very uncomfortable for me. And I would like to learn a way to deal with that as well.

Divorced woman here who was married to a scary and abusive person.

Please look up “provoke and respond” and “reactive abuse”. The latter is not an appropriate description of this situation because they suggest that the person reacting to this kind of baiting is engaged in abuse, but they are the terms you need to search to understand the manipulation your DH is engaging in.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I went through it and I felt crazy and terrified and couldn’t explain it to anyone so I ignored it for years.

[Anonymous]

OP I don’t know what’s going on here but it really, really sounds like you guys need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This is unrelated, but I also need to learn how to deal with another scenario that makes me really uncomfortable.

Sometimes there is something I can sense my husband is very angry about, and has decided to talk to me about it in a “calm” manner. As one example, it might be about me not going to bed when he goes to bed.

But the way he approaches me with it kind of freaks me out. He asks to talk to me about a problem. He usually does this at work he most inopprtune time. Maybe when I’m stressed about an event I’m preparing for that evening and about to walk out the door.

He talks to me with very wide unblinking eyes. Which is unsettling to me. I laugh it off nervously or I might say “what’s wrong?”

And then he won’t let it go. And I can’t even respond appropriately because then I’m also upset at his terrible timing but don’t want to be insensitive to something that is obviously so upsetting to him and he takes seriously.

And then it’s some sort of discussion where I basically feel like I’m being controlledand he’s feeling disrespected.

But the whole thing is very uncomfortable for me. And I would like to learn a way to deal with that as well.

Who on earth did you marry?
Maybe divorce ..

Your husband sounds weird controlling and creepy.

[Anonymous]

Op again. Here’s a funny story about his “verbal dyslexia”. So I used to do all our taxes, except he hated how I used to always wait to the last minute. I never missed the deadline but he got stressed about it, he wanted it done in January.

So one year we decided he would do it. Except he filed our taxes as married filing separately. Thinking that it meant the opposite.

So we didn’t know this until many months later, long past the tax deadline.

Anyway it was a huge PITA, because then I had to file separately and I had essentially filed late, for the first time.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all for the responses. This was all helpful, even the seemingly critical ones.

My biggest takeaway was the reminder that I have complete control over how I react / respond. It’s something I’ve already learned to do, partly through therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He didn’t know enough.. it’s unfortunate.
You can be sad about the broth.
But if he didn’t know, you can’t be particularly sad about HIM and the broth.

But do be sad about the broth. It was a representation of your limited time and energy.

Go to him, and make sure he knows you’re not upset about him. It just felt like a sad moment to find out your work was gone, and now a new dinner plan…. See if he will buy dinner. “Please can you make it better for me? I don’t have another dinner plan. Can you help me with this? Again, I’m not upset at you for taking care of our house. It’s only unfortunate.”

Rereading this. I want to try this approach.

But what if I’m more sad about his reaction and defensiveness? I don’t even care about the broth anymore.

Focus on your own response first. Otherwise you need to start with the way you dealt with it. You want to focus on his reaction while bypassing yours.

OP seems way more interested in rehashing the drama than taking accountability for her side of the street.

Her side of the street? For making soup?

No soup for you, weirdo.

broth is usually made from scraps. This isn't the catastrophic loss OP's overreaction makes it seem. Yeah, it's a bummer, but she didn't spend that much time or money, certainly not enough of either to get divorced over meat broth. Ridiculous drama, and she needs to look at her part in it, including her rush to caw about it here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he wash the pot or just empty it and.leqve for you to wash?

He didn’t throw out the bones and meat. Just threw out all the stock. He probably thought I was just boiling the meat to eat. And he was not awake during the hours I was working on the stock so I don’t think he realized it was stock.

I managed to salvage it by just reboiling everything. The meat is way overcooked but still edible. So I feel better that it didn’t all just go to waste.

Maybe I do get a little territorial with food I’m preparing. I don’t like my husband coming in and “helping” and I’ve told him that. Because he just does things without asking, assumes things, and it inevitably ends in some miscommunication between us. And often, when I say one thing, he somehow hears it as the exact opposite thing. At first I thought it was intentional but I realized it’s like some sort of verbal dyslexia. It’s led to lots of fights.

You... saved it? And reboiled it? 🤢🤮

How broke are you that you need to "salvage" this broth? That's going to taste like weak meat water, at best, and most of the nutrition is gone, since you spent "hours" working on it already.

The broth is probably a metaphor for the rest of the shit you need to just. let. go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. Here’s a funny story about his “verbal dyslexia”. So I used to do all our taxes, except he hated how I used to always wait to the last minute. I never missed the deadline but he got stressed about it, he wanted it done in January.

So one year we decided he would do it. Except he filed our taxes as married filing separately. Thinking that it meant the opposite.

So we didn’t know this until many months later, long past the tax deadline.

Anyway it was a huge PITA, because then I had to file separately and I had essentially filed late, for the first time.

You didn't review the filing? After several years of being responsible for this, it didn't surprise you to not have to sign the filing?

OP, you're a terrible troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I don’t know what’s going on here but it really, really sounds like you guys need therapy.

She needs individual therapy with a PhD level psychologist, get stronger then plan her exit and do it.

He’s got real issues - mental disorders, personality disorders, narcissistic.

[Anonymous]

NO couples therapy with a verbal or emotional or psychological abuser spouse. Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually hate this term, but he is 100% gaslighting you. Agree with PP above, I’d be surprised if this came out of nowhere. Is this how he usually acts?

That’s what it feels like to me. And he paints this picture of himself how he is totally calm and rational, and how I sound- he literally acts out what I sound like and I wish I could have recorded and played it back to you, because it’s some really gross mischaracerization projected at his top volume.

It is crazy making.

He has always done this after he makes a mistake and I get upset about it.

He won’t apologize but just blames me and makes me out to be some crazy person with major communication issues when some deep seated issues that is trying to paint him as a horrible person who is trying to hurt me and do terrible things. When I have never said anything close to that.

What an immature DARVO a-hole.
Look it up. Once you see it you won’t unsee it.

His abusive immature behavior response will be crystal clear and utterly predictable.

GTFO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is an a$$hole and is gaslighting you. Is this his normal behavior?

+1.
Ask him “why are you being mean and defensive, instead of just saying you’re sorry?”
And then sit quietly and wait for a reply.

It’s probably not, but my DH started acting like this when he was having an affair.

Ahole types will just continue to turn the tables.

How dare you ask that.
Oh shut up.
Don’t be so sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NO couples therapy with a verbal or emotional or psychological abuser spouse. Nope.

I came back to this thread after making dinner and doing bedtime specifically to say this because it’s been haunting me. Do not go to therapy with this man. Listen to this advice, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Advice appreciated on how to bring up this issue in a mature way.

This crap keeps happening, and I. Front of our kids. And everytime, I’m just so flabbergasted and he gets me furious that I can’t even respond clearly and appropriately about the tactics he is using that is so upsetting to me.

Yikes.

Talk about him having maladaptive coping techniques to be the pretend Golden Boy.
Are his parents the same!? He sounds like a nutcase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is an a$$hole and is gaslighting you. Is this his normal behavior?

This x 1,000,000.
He is gaslighting because he is trying to make you think that your behavior and outlook are the problem, not his behavior and how he is responding to the situation.

He f-ed up, realized he f-ed up, decided the best defense was an offense, and now here you are. OP, does he usually have trouble apologizing?

Why would he think there’s suddenly a random pot of broth on the stove? Why wouldn’t he text you to ask what it was?

I’m sure he’s telling himself that he was just trying to help and this is the thanks he gets, and no matter what he does you don’t appreciate him or his efforts.

Delusionally lies to himself too. Lovely.