Hi, it's me, vacation wife. STBXH got a DUI mid-divorce- now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6/28 11:29 here. Why is OP the mess? She is not the one getting a DUI. Can someone clarify? She has to deal with this guy until they divorce and he is a huge mess.

OP is the mess bc she won't let gooooooo.

They don't live together -- he has his OWN apt YET she wants to finish the basement to move him in. OP sees NOTHING wrong with this??
Let him triage his DUI and legal battles -- he's an adult


She's citing " the kids the kids the kids"
He needs to TRIAGE how he will see his kids -- that's NOT OP's issue.
He needs to seek help for his over use of booze amongst other things -- LESS HER in the way every single corner attempting to offer up ideas and insert herself..

OP is giving I have no life outside of him energy.. She's far too wrapped up in this man's life as a woman who's divorcing him...for being a habitual liar and cheater.

DP. The thought of a drunk driving my kids around would cause me to go crazy. I would protect them at all costs.

Do share how? Will the courts put anything in place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6/28 11:29 here. Why is OP the mess? She is not the one getting a DUI. Can someone clarify? She has to deal with this guy until they divorce and he is a huge mess.

OP is the mess bc she won't let gooooooo.

They don't live together -- he has his OWN apt YET she wants to finish the basement to move him in. OP sees NOTHING wrong with this??
Let him triage his DUI and legal battles -- he's an adult


She's citing " the kids the kids the kids"
He needs to TRIAGE how he will see his kids -- that's NOT OP's issue.
He needs to seek help for his over use of booze amongst other things -- LESS HER in the way every single corner attempting to offer up ideas and insert herself..

OP is giving I have no life outside of him energy.. She's far too wrapped up in this man's life as a woman who's divorcing him...for being a habitual liar and cheater.

DP. The thought of a drunk driving my kids around would cause me to go crazy. I would protect them at all costs.

Do share how? Will the courts put anything in place?

Yeah, other than buggy Intoxaloc and BACTrac View or similar, how would you do that if the courts give him some level of physical custody or visitation? Please - share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6/28 11:29 here. Why is OP the mess? She is not the one getting a DUI. Can someone clarify? She has to deal with this guy until they divorce and he is a huge mess.

OP is the mess bc she won't let gooooooo.

They don't live together -- he has his OWN apt YET she wants to finish the basement to move him in. OP sees NOTHING wrong with this??
Let him triage his DUI and legal battles -- he's an adult


She's citing " the kids the kids the kids"
He needs to TRIAGE how he will see his kids -- that's NOT OP's issue.
He needs to seek help for his over use of booze amongst other things -- LESS HER in the way every single corner attempting to offer up ideas and insert herself..

OP is giving I have no life outside of him energy.. She's far too wrapped up in this man's life as a woman who's divorcing him...for being a habitual liar and cheater.

DP. ITD and your pop psychology approach is idiotic and presumptive. No legit mental health professional would make assumptions like this or speak like this. Go back to the kids on Reddit. This place is for grown ups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:6/28 11:29 here. Why is OP the mess? She is not the one getting a DUI. Can someone clarify? She has to deal with this guy until they divorce and he is a huge mess.

OP is the mess bc she won't let gooooooo.

They don't live together -- he has his OWN apt YET she wants to finish the basement to move him in. OP sees NOTHING wrong with this??
Let him triage his DUI and legal battles -- he's an adult


She's citing " the kids the kids the kids"
He needs to TRIAGE how he will see his kids -- that's NOT OP's issue.
He needs to seek help for his over use of booze amongst other things -- LESS HER in the way every single corner attempting to offer up ideas and insert herself..

OP is giving I have no life outside of him energy.. She's far too wrapped up in this man's life as a woman who's divorcing him...for being a habitual liar and cheater.

DP. The thought of a drunk driving my kids around would cause me to go crazy. I would protect them at all costs.

Do share how? Will the courts put anything in place?

Yeah, other than buggy Intoxaloc and BACTrac View or similar, how would you do that if the courts give him some level of physical custody or visitation? Please - share.

The courts are a toxic mess and OP should not introduce her family to that grotesque system. But I do think dh probably has more of an issue than he’s letting on, and she should get him to voluntarily agree to get one of those monitoring systems in place. She can use the threat of an order from court as leverage, but she should not file anything.

[Anonymous]

It was pretty telling that when she described the crappy $2100/mo apartment as being the "best WE could find".

Clearly she loves and is concerned about her children's well-being, but why does she continue to coddle this manbaby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you all remember, I kicked him out Oct 30th after finding him talking excessively to his HS girlfriend and deleting all evidence (375+ texts per week). He got a place 3 blocks away, we got the kids right in therapy (he's actually been spearheading that). We have been doing 2-2-5-5 custody which has been going well. The kids have really been doing ok- no major issues on any front- emotional, behavioral, etc. We have been getting the divorce agreement together with a mediator. All was well.

Two weeks ago he was taking the kids to his parents house for a long weekend which is routine. On the way there I texted him "Hope you guys have a fun weekend, be safe!" He called me and started FREAKING OUT- stuttering, half-yelling (we never raise our voices) saying I got what I wanted and he's turning around and taking the kids home and they'll miss their fun weekend. The kids were in the back crying daddy why aren't we going to see our cousins. I almost just typed it was so out of character, but ugh guess idk the true character? Anyway, he took them back to his place, texted me and apologized for the outburst and said he has a ton of pressure at work and he was like to pick ups and the kids were crabby and it was best to turn around anyway. He spent the rest of the weekend sending me pic updates of them baking, at the pool, etc.

Then last week, I went to check my mail box and it was OVERFLOWING. 40+ letters from law firms in the smaller city where his parents live. I obviously knew there was something going on to trigger this so I opened one and they were soliciting to represent him for his recent DUI that I knew nothing about.

I called him and asked if he wanted to tell me why 40 lawyers in Small City, Random State want to send him letters. He said he had no idea. I said looks like they want to represent you for a DUI did you get one? Nope. Ok well you have obliterated my entire life already so before I go searching public records, which is how law firms like this find their targets, here is one last chance. Do you want to tell me? Ok I got a DUI 2 weeks ago. His story was that his parents were traveling and he went to pet sit for them (true), he golfed alone all day and had some beers and got pulled over driving home. He showed up at my house 30 mins later a complete mess (kids were sleeping) sobbing hyperventilating, saying he doesn't know who he is anymore, he doesn't know what's happening, he has no one, blah blah blah. He sobbed on my patio for 45 mins. I conveyed my anger and disgust in my own stern way (not yelling, but he knew I was PISSED) and did remind him that I'm always a few blocks away, we will always have to be a team in some capacity and when the kids dad is healthy that is good for everyone, told him I love my kids exponentially more than I hate him and will always act accordingly.

Then yesterday two more letters arrive- one from our state and another from the labs of DUI state. Turns out his bloodwork came back at a .24 (!!!!!) which pushes it up to a higher level DUI charge and he is also being charged in our state as well. Today, there were a bunch of letters in my mailbox from companies that install interlock. It is unclear if his liscense will be fully revoked or if he will be able to drive with interlock installed.

Now what? I'm obviously going to move from mediation to a lawyer. If he gets his license revoked, how TF can I share custody? I'm certainly not going to expect my kids to rot in a small apartment for half their lives. I know I'll get legal advice, but what can go into formal divorce paperwork vs parenting plan surrounding drinking? Is this worth keeping the kids from him? I have zero complaints on his parenting til now all things considered.

I cannot afford to buy him out of the house at market rate so our plan was to keep owning the house jointly at least until the daycare payment years are behind us and then re-evaluate if that freed up enough monthly income for me to buy it. Now I feel unsafe having the home I live in remaining a joint asset. Theoretically, can I ask him to sell it to be for $1 and I just assume the higher mortgage rate on the remaining balance we still owe?

I called his brother, told him everything, and we talked for over an hour last night and he was very supportive of me. Ex called his parents and told them. I'm assuming he'll be forced to take some alcohol classes or join AA.

All I want is peace

Thanks for reading, I know that was long.

Sounds like you need to call off the divorce, and each of you work on yourselves and get yourselves together. You both sound like a mess, and for what reason really? Fix your marriage/relationship and enjoy your kids.

Divorce is usually never the correct answer to transient problems. Fix yourselves.

Please give three examples of how OP "sounds like a mess." Hell, give one. For bonus points, explain how reconciling with her husband will improve that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t have him live in the basement. That’s a recipe for disaster. If you think the lower level could be a separate unit of some type, figure out how much you could rent it for and use the extra income to offset an appropriate combo of his rent and the house mortgage.

There are no circumstances under which it is a good idea for you 2 to live together in the same house even if separate units.

Actions have consequences and you can be empathetic and supportive toward him and still maintain boundaries. Boundaries are really important with cheaters and substance users.

My impression was that OP viewed the basement apartment as a revenue stream, not a place for him to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t have him live in the basement. That’s a recipe for disaster. If you think the lower level could be a separate unit of some type, figure out how much you could rent it for and use the extra income to offset an appropriate combo of his rent and the house mortgage.

There are no circumstances under which it is a good idea for you 2 to live together in the same house even if separate units.

Actions have consequences and you can be empathetic and supportive toward him and still maintain boundaries. Boundaries are really important with cheaters and substance users.

OP is hoping she can change him.. .. She’s def part his problem

On some level she's addicted to him and all the drama surrounding this. She never asked for it, but it gives her life purpose.

100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was pretty telling that when she described the crappy $2100/mo apartment as being the "best WE could find".

Clearly she loves and is concerned about her children's well-being, but why does she continue to coddle this manbaby?

Idk, I think that’s sort of normal. You married this person and have kids with them. When I divorced my ex, we did things like that together at first bc we were both concerned about the impact on the kids. I know a divorcing couple who even took vacations together for a year or two. Sometimes it takes time to unravel the pieces. There is no rule for how to do this. If op is still buying his underwear in 5 years, sure, that’s unhealthy. But nothing has said so far shows that

[Anonymous]

^ she has said

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was pretty telling that when she described the crappy $2100/mo apartment as being the "best WE could find".

Clearly she loves and is concerned about her children's well-being, but why does she continue to coddle this manbaby?

Don't be dense. They still share finances, they're still married, and her kids might spend time there. Of course she's invested in that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thanks for all your thoughts. I know DCUM can be a wild place, but I really do think we have a cool corner of the internet that skews towards educated, kind people sans the trolls.

While I have the attention of a bunch of interested intelligent brains, here's my entire thought process on the house/the finances. I'm very open to feedback.

We bought the house for $339k at 2.75% when we were 26. The escrow all in is $2400 per month. The mortgage balance is around $220k. The house is currently worth around $575k and current rates are 6-7%.

His tiny 2bed/1ba apartment is $2100 per month and that was the cheapest we could find around here.

The house has a lower level (not fully underground) that can be configured two ways depending on where a door is put up. Half of the lower level could be sectioned off to create an apartment with 1 bedroom, 1 full bath, kitchen, and large living/dining space. This could rent for around $1500-1750. The whole lower level is 2 bedrooms, 1 full bath, laundry room, 2 large family rooms, and kitchen totaling around ~1800sqft. This could rent for around $2000-$2200 per month conservatively.

The house is in a fantastic school district. My oldest is thriving with a 504 and IEP. I am within 15 mins from ALL of my extended family and lifelong best friends. My longest friend lives directly across the street with her same age kids. Stbxh is walkabe. All this to say it has been so good for my mental health and the kids to have our extended support network here and their parents walkable to one another.

Also, I got a new job (signed yesterday!!) that will be a 24% raise in salary plus good bonus opportunities. I start Sept 2nd. It's a really good career step in general.

My other option is to sell the house, move further away (and if he can't drive-thinking about my kids here not him), have my kids change schools and daycare, leave my support network, and be in a small apartment for a similar monthly cost in a worse school district, but would have an additional $125k or so from the sale of the house.

Daycare ends in Aug 2026 and will free up $1100 per month for me.

This is why our original plan was to keep co-owning the house with a clause that said if I go delinquent on even one payment it'd have to go on the market and he'd have to give me 1 year notice if he needed me to buy the house from him or sell it because he wanted to pursue qualifying for another mortgage on his own.

Again, lots of info and nuances but interested if the consensus is still to sell and move away? Thank you, I really appreciate you all throughout this whole stupid saga.

Dp. Do not move away. That support network is worth $$$

+1. Do not move away. Not only is your support network important, but keeping other things stable in your kid’s life is helpful.

Honestly, your DH has made some terrible choices and has to accept the consequences - which may be that he lets you stay in the house even if that is not to his financial benefit. Also, the housing market is terrible right now and will stay terrible for a couple more years. It’s better financially for both of you to just keep the house and see if you could refinance in 5 years.