Hi, it's me, vacation wife. STBXH got a DUI mid-divorce- now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His alcohol abuse is not your problem, except insofar as it impacts your children.

His feelings are not your problem, except insofar as it impacts your children.

His logistical challenges are not your problem, except insofar as it impacts your children.

See the pattern? This is not your problem. Hold the line, protect your kids, and demand supervised visitation until he can demonstrate that he has completed a recovery program.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His alcohol abuse is not your problem, except insofar as it impacts your children.

His feelings are not your problem, except insofar as it impacts your children.

His logistical challenges are not your problem, except insofar as it impacts your children.

See the pattern? This is not your problem. Hold the line, protect your kids, and demand supervised visitation until he can demonstrate that he has completed a recovery program.

All I am seeing is that they are her problems whether she stays married or not, since children are involved. It is not fair at all but this is the reality. She will always have to worry about his problems because they affect her kids. It is a sucky situation. Damned if you do (divorce), damned if you don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His alcohol abuse is not your problem, except insofar as it impacts your children.

His feelings are not your problem, except insofar as it impacts your children.

His logistical challenges are not your problem, except insofar as it impacts your children.

See the pattern? This is not your problem. Hold the line, protect your kids, and demand supervised visitation until he can demonstrate that he has completed a recovery program.

All I am seeing is that they are her problems whether she stays married or not, since children are involved. It is not fair at all but this is the reality. She will always have to worry about his problems because they affect her kids. It is a sucky situation. Damned if you do (divorce), damned if you don't.

Speaking from experience, divorcing the cheating substance abuser is FAR FAR better than not.

She needs to be willing to play hardball, however. Whatever feelings she might have for this guy need to be tucked away because he made his choices. Use this moment to maximize custody and child support, and let him live with the ramifications of the choices he has made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you all remember, I kicked him out Oct 30th after finding him talking excessively to his HS girlfriend and deleting all evidence (375+ texts per week). He got a place 3 blocks away, we got the kids right in therapy (he's actually been spearheading that). We have been doing 2-2-5-5 custody which has been going well. The kids have really been doing ok- no major issues on any front- emotional, behavioral, etc. We have been getting the divorce agreement together with a mediator. All was well.

Two weeks ago he was taking the kids to his parents house for a long weekend which is routine. On the way there I texted him "Hope you guys have a fun weekend, be safe!" He called me and started FREAKING OUT- stuttering, half-yelling (we never raise our voices) saying I got what I wanted and he's turning around and taking the kids home and they'll miss their fun weekend. The kids were in the back crying daddy why aren't we going to see our cousins. I almost just typed it was so out of character, but ugh guess idk the true character? Anyway, he took them back to his place, texted me and apologized for the outburst and said he has a ton of pressure at work and he was like to pick ups and the kids were crabby and it was best to turn around anyway. He spent the rest of the weekend sending me pic updates of them baking, at the pool, etc.

Then last week, I went to check my mail box and it was OVERFLOWING. 40+ letters from law firms in the smaller city where his parents live. I obviously knew there was something going on to trigger this so I opened one and they were soliciting to represent him for his recent DUI that I knew nothing about.

I called him and asked if he wanted to tell me why 40 lawyers in Small City, Random State want to send him letters. He said he had no idea. I said looks like they want to represent you for a DUI did you get one? Nope. Ok well you have obliterated my entire life already so before I go searching public records, which is how law firms like this find their targets, here is one last chance. Do you want to tell me? Ok I got a DUI 2 weeks ago. His story was that his parents were traveling and he went to pet sit for them (true), he golfed alone all day and had some beers and got pulled over driving home. He showed up at my house 30 mins later a complete mess (kids were sleeping) sobbing hyperventilating, saying he doesn't know who he is anymore, he doesn't know what's happening, he has no one, blah blah blah. He sobbed on my patio for 45 mins. I conveyed my anger and disgust in my own stern way (not yelling, but he knew I was PISSED) and did remind him that I'm always a few blocks away, we will always have to be a team in some capacity and when the kids dad is healthy that is good for everyone, told him I love my kids exponentially more than I hate him and will always act accordingly.

Then yesterday two more letters arrive- one from our state and another from the labs of DUI state. Turns out his bloodwork came back at a .24 (!!!!!) which pushes it up to a higher level DUI charge and he is also being charged in our state as well. Today, there were a bunch of letters in my mailbox from companies that install interlock. It is unclear if his liscense will be fully revoked or if he will be able to drive with interlock installed.

Now what? I'm obviously going to move from mediation to a lawyer. If he gets his license revoked, how TF can I share custody? I'm certainly not going to expect my kids to rot in a small apartment for half their lives. I know I'll get legal advice, but what can go into formal divorce paperwork vs parenting plan surrounding drinking? Is this worth keeping the kids from him? I have zero complaints on his parenting til now all things considered.

I cannot afford to buy him out of the house at market rate so our plan was to keep owning the house jointly at least until the daycare payment years are behind us and then re-evaluate if that freed up enough monthly income for me to buy it. Now I feel unsafe having the home I live in remaining a joint asset. Theoretically, can I ask him to sell it to be for $1 and I just assume the higher mortgage rate on the remaining balance we still owe?

I called his brother, told him everything, and we talked for over an hour last night and he was very supportive of me. Ex called his parents and told them. I'm assuming he'll be forced to take some alcohol classes or join AA.

All I want is peace

Thanks for reading, I know that was long.

Don’t they stop you from driving immediately if you get a dui? It’s strange that he got the dui and was let to drive.

They take your license. You don't need it to drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You get full custody. He isn't a safe person for your children to be around. He isn't capable of doing pick up and drop offs. .24 is not a couple of beers, he was smashed.

I'd negotiate with the house. It's better that the kids stay there. He can come for supervised visits at the home and hang out with them. I have no idea about buying it out or whatnot, but he better be face to the ground begging to do anything he can here. He really f***ed up.

Unfortuantely, you don't just get to decide who has full custody. The default is 50/50 and he didn't have the kids with him so the DUI isn't child endangerment.

You don't just get to decide, but you sure AF can use it as leverage. He can't fulfill childcare duties at this time. He could go to jail. He has issues with alcohol, and now with the police. These are major issues that should be brought up to adjust custody. Even if only temporary until he sorts it out. OP can say they are staying at the house for summer. He only lives a few blocks away so it's walkable, but he can't take them to school or anywhere.

What’s the point of this approach?

[Anonymous]

There's a good chance he'll lose his job. There's also a chance he could go to jail. Hell def have the spend a lot of money on lawyers. You need to come to an agreement about the house asap. Soon he's going to say he can pay (for half the mortgage, for his portion of the kid expenses, for his own rent, etc) so secure your children's home now.

[Anonymous]

yes to lawyer. consider adding/increasing your umbrella insurance in case he hurts someone and they sue you. the person I know whose ex drank too much had a custody agreement where the ex had to do a breathalyzer before taking the kids and at random points throughout his parenting time. I don't know if he had an interlock device but it seems wise to have one in this case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You get full custody. He isn't a safe person for your children to be around. He isn't capable of doing pick up and drop offs. .24 is not a couple of beers, he was smashed.

I'd negotiate with the house. It's better that the kids stay there. He can come for supervised visits at the home and hang out with them. I have no idea about buying it out or whatnot, but he better be face to the ground begging to do anything he can here. He really f***ed up.

Unfortuantely, you don't just get to decide who has full custody. The default is 50/50 and he didn't have the kids with him so the DUI isn't child endangerment.

You don't just get to decide, but you sure AF can use it as leverage. He can't fulfill childcare duties at this time. He could go to jail. He has issues with alcohol, and now with the police. These are major issues that should be brought up to adjust custody. Even if only temporary until he sorts it out. OP can say they are staying at the house for summer. He only lives a few blocks away so it's walkable, but he can't take them to school or anywhere.

What’s the point of this approach?

The point is to keep the kids from being killed in a car crash when their dad drives drunk again. He can see them. He can have a relationship with them. But he should not be able to drive with them in the car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you all remember, I kicked him out Oct 30th after finding him talking excessively to his HS girlfriend and deleting all evidence (375+ texts per week). He got a place 3 blocks away, we got the kids right in therapy (he's actually been spearheading that). We have been doing 2-2-5-5 custody which has been going well. The kids have really been doing ok- no major issues on any front- emotional, behavioral, etc. We have been getting the divorce agreement together with a mediator. All was well.

Two weeks ago he was taking the kids to his parents house for a long weekend which is routine. On the way there I texted him "Hope you guys have a fun weekend, be safe!" He called me and started FREAKING OUT- stuttering, half-yelling (we never raise our voices) saying I got what I wanted and he's turning around and taking the kids home and they'll miss their fun weekend. The kids were in the back crying daddy why aren't we going to see our cousins. I almost just typed it was so out of character, but ugh guess idk the true character? Anyway, he took them back to his place, texted me and apologized for the outburst and said he has a ton of pressure at work and he was like to pick ups and the kids were crabby and it was best to turn around anyway. He spent the rest of the weekend sending me pic updates of them baking, at the pool, etc.

Then last week, I went to check my mail box and it was OVERFLOWING. 40+ letters from law firms in the smaller city where his parents live. I obviously knew there was something going on to trigger this so I opened one and they were soliciting to represent him for his recent DUI that I knew nothing about.

I called him and asked if he wanted to tell me why 40 lawyers in Small City, Random State want to send him letters. He said he had no idea. I said looks like they want to represent you for a DUI did you get one? Nope. Ok well you have obliterated my entire life already so before I go searching public records, which is how law firms like this find their targets, here is one last chance. Do you want to tell me? Ok I got a DUI 2 weeks ago. His story was that his parents were traveling and he went to pet sit for them (true), he golfed alone all day and had some beers and got pulled over driving home. He showed up at my house 30 mins later a complete mess (kids were sleeping) sobbing hyperventilating, saying he doesn't know who he is anymore, he doesn't know what's happening, he has no one, blah blah blah. He sobbed on my patio for 45 mins. I conveyed my anger and disgust in my own stern way (not yelling, but he knew I was PISSED) and did remind him that I'm always a few blocks away, we will always have to be a team in some capacity and when the kids dad is healthy that is good for everyone, told him I love my kids exponentially more than I hate him and will always act accordingly.

Then yesterday two more letters arrive- one from our state and another from the labs of DUI state. Turns out his bloodwork came back at a .24 (!!!!!) which pushes it up to a higher level DUI charge and he is also being charged in our state as well. Today, there were a bunch of letters in my mailbox from companies that install interlock. It is unclear if his liscense will be fully revoked or if he will be able to drive with interlock installed.

Now what? I'm obviously going to move from mediation to a lawyer. If he gets his license revoked, how TF can I share custody? I'm certainly not going to expect my kids to rot in a small apartment for half their lives. I know I'll get legal advice, but what can go into formal divorce paperwork vs parenting plan surrounding drinking? Is this worth keeping the kids from him? I have zero complaints on his parenting til now all things considered.

I cannot afford to buy him out of the house at market rate so our plan was to keep owning the house jointly at least until the daycare payment years are behind us and then re-evaluate if that freed up enough monthly income for me to buy it. Now I feel unsafe having the home I live in remaining a joint asset. Theoretically, can I ask him to sell it to be for $1 and I just assume the higher mortgage rate on the remaining balance we still owe?

I called his brother, told him everything, and we talked for over an hour last night and he was very supportive of me. Ex called his parents and told them. I'm assuming he'll be forced to take some alcohol classes or join AA.

All I want is peace

Thanks for reading, I know that was long.

Sounds like you need to call off the divorce, and each of you work on yourselves and get yourselves together. You both sound like a mess, and for what reason really? Fix your marriage/relationship and enjoy your kids.

Divorce is usually never the correct answer to transient problems. Fix yourselves.

Found the husband

Found DCUM's Sherlock Holmes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems insane to me that courts wouldn't take a DUI into consideration for custody. That is dangerous behavior, shows that he is incapable of being responsible for himself, let alone children.

Of course they do. PP might be correct that isn't child endangerment, but it's certainly indicative of his decision making skills.

A DUI should always be considered child endangerment in my opinion. Even if your own child wasn’t in the car or even in the same state at the time, when you get behind the wheel of a car drunk, you’re endangering every child on the road with you.

I’m a Democrat but I hate that our legal system does so much to protect perpetrators and far less to protect victims and vulnerable individuals.

[Anonymous]

OP, you write really well. And I’m sorry this is happening. You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Don't consider this legal advice, but....

While I agree you need to consult an attorney, in most states the key question for protecting the house is how the deed is worded. Many, if not most, married couples who bought a home after they married own that home in a "tenancy by the entirety." That means that they EACH own ALL of the home, so if there is a judgment against ONE of you, the house cannot be taken away from the other one. (Only legally married couples can own property by the entirety.) In other words, a creditor cannot get their hands on your home unless you die before he does. So, before talking to an attorney, dig out the deed for the house and find out how it is worded. A lawyer won't be able to advise you how to protect the house from his creditors without knowing the answer as to whether you own the house as tenants by the entirety or as joint tenants. If it's by the entirety, the rule is usually that a creditor cannot force the sale of the home. If you and he own the house as joint tenants, then in most states, a creditor can force a sale and then a court will decide how much each of you own in determining how the proceeds will be distributed.

Again, this is a matter of state law, so don't consider this legal advice. I just want you to check the deed before you talk to a lawyer. If you do own it as tenants by the entirety, then it's probably wise to keep the deed as is. A sale of his interest for a dollar is almost certainly going to be viewed as fraud if it's not part of some overall divorce agreement.

I doubt you'll get sole custody because of one DUI when the kids were not with him. Not everyone who gets a DUI is an alcoholic BTW. I'm not defending him. I'm just stating a fact.

TLDR: find the deed before you talk to an attorney.

[Anonymous]

You won’t get full custody over a single dui. I would push him into therapy though, the ex texts suggest something else is going on wrt identity issues. If he was spearheading that for the kids he should be able to do it for himself, make it part of the mediation agreement.

You need to sell the house. It’s brutal financially and emotionally I know but the sooner you accept it the easier to move on. Frankly it’s a way you are holding onto the life with him you need to let go of too. It’s so much better to each get two townhouses you can afford and move forward without commingled finances.

For now help him handle the dui by hiring and paying for the lawyer.

Sounds like you guys are handling this remarkably well for the kids sake. Some hiccups are inevitable. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

This...can't be real. Where do you find such dramatic men in real life? i've known many men across the world and never encountered one like this in person. On TV, in over the top fiction, in movies...sure. But in honst to god real life? zero.