Hi, it's me, vacation wife. STBXH got a DUI mid-divorce- now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems insane to me that courts wouldn't take a DUI into consideration for custody. That is dangerous behavior, shows that he is incapable of being responsible for himself, let alone children.

Of course they do. PP might be correct that isn't child endangerment, but it's certainly indicative of his decision making skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a criminal defense lawyer for decades ... people's lives never fall apart in a vacuum. First, they lose their job, then they turn to stupid things like drugs, then they lose their partner, then their family can't stand them, then they sell drugs to buy drugs to forget about their problems. It's a terrible thing and often could have been avoided had someone looked past their failures and stood with them.

Could have been avoided if the DH had kept his d!ck in his pants

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a criminal defense lawyer for decades ... people's lives never fall apart in a vacuum. First, they lose their job, then they turn to stupid things like drugs, then they lose their partner, then their family can't stand them, then they sell drugs to buy drugs to forget about their problems. It's a terrible thing and often could have been avoided had someone looked past their failures and stood with them.

Could have been avoided if the DH had kept his d!ck in his pants

Right? Like waahhh, I cheated on my wife but it's her fault I got a DUI because she didn't stand with me! Wtf who are these people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Believe it or not parents have raised kids in apartments and without a car. Posters thinking that the court will automatically give OP 100% custody because kids will ‘rot’ if they have to stay in an apartment is nonsense. Many parent use public transportation / ride shares and live with their kids in apartments. Those things don’t make someone a horrible person who should not have children. Thinking the courts will take into account your opinion that you are too good for apartments or ride shares isn’t going to fly.

Your issue should be the DUI, not needing your smelling neg salts over apartments and ride shares

Yeah, this is how the majority of kids in NYC (yes, even UMC kids!) live.

[Anonymous]

OP, did you ever get to the bottom of why he cheated in the first place? Sounds like he needs a lot of therapy and you DEFINITELY need a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Believe it or not parents have raised kids in apartments and without a car. Posters thinking that the court will automatically give OP 100% custody because kids will ‘rot’ if they have to stay in an apartment is nonsense. Many parent use public transportation / ride shares and live with their kids in apartments. Those things don’t make someone a horrible person who should not have children. Thinking the courts will take into account your opinion that you are too good for apartments or ride shares isn’t going to fly.

Your issue should be the DUI, not needing your smelling neg salts over apartments and ride shares

Yeah, this is how the majority of kids in NYC (yes, even UMC kids!) live.

This is DCUM where even a large rowhouse wont suffice and an apartment is tantamount to child abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a criminal defense lawyer for decades ... people's lives never fall apart in a vacuum. First, they lose their job, then they turn to stupid things like drugs, then they lose their partner, then their family can't stand them, then they sell drugs to buy drugs to forget about their problems. It's a terrible thing and often could have been avoided had someone looked past their failures and stood with them.

You're biased, because you see only the people who couldn't deal with their downward spirals, but there are millions of people who have survived traumatic events for years and who don't drive and drive, don't do drugs, don't abuse their loved ones, and live quiet lives.

The ones who can't deal are the ones with such a genetic predisposition to spiral mentally with external pressure, that you can't ask someone else to carry them. It would be grossly unfair. These are not "fixable" people. They were born that way. It takes a very fortunate family, both in wealth, intellect and emotional stability, to keep sustaining such a fragile person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you all remember, I kicked him out Oct 30th after finding him talking excessively to his HS girlfriend and deleting all evidence (375+ texts per week). He got a place 3 blocks away, we got the kids right in therapy (he's actually been spearheading that). We have been doing 2-2-5-5 custody which has been going well. The kids have really been doing ok- no major issues on any front- emotional, behavioral, etc. We have been getting the divorce agreement together with a mediator. All was well.

Two weeks ago he was taking the kids to his parents house for a long weekend which is routine. On the way there I texted him "Hope you guys have a fun weekend, be safe!" He called me and started FREAKING OUT- stuttering, half-yelling (we never raise our voices) saying I got what I wanted and he's turning around and taking the kids home and they'll miss their fun weekend. The kids were in the back crying daddy why aren't we going to see our cousins. I almost just typed it was so out of character, but ugh guess idk the true character? Anyway, he took them back to his place, texted me and apologized for the outburst and said he has a ton of pressure at work and he was like to pick ups and the kids were crabby and it was best to turn around anyway. He spent the rest of the weekend sending me pic updates of them baking, at the pool, etc.

Then last week, I went to check my mail box and it was OVERFLOWING. 40+ letters from law firms in the smaller city where his parents live. I obviously knew there was something going on to trigger this so I opened one and they were soliciting to represent him for his recent DUI that I knew nothing about.

I called him and asked if he wanted to tell me why 40 lawyers in Small City, Random State want to send him letters. He said he had no idea. I said looks like they want to represent you for a DUI did you get one? Nope. Ok well you have obliterated my entire life already so before I go searching public records, which is how law firms like this find their targets, here is one last chance. Do you want to tell me? Ok I got a DUI 2 weeks ago. His story was that his parents were traveling and he went to pet sit for them (true), he golfed alone all day and had some beers and got pulled over driving home. He showed up at my house 30 mins later a complete mess (kids were sleeping) sobbing hyperventilating, saying he doesn't know who he is anymore, he doesn't know what's happening, he has no one, blah blah blah. He sobbed on my patio for 45 mins. I conveyed my anger and disgust in my own stern way (not yelling, but he knew I was PISSED) and did remind him that I'm always a few blocks away, we will always have to be a team in some capacity and when the kids dad is healthy that is good for everyone, told him I love my kids exponentially more than I hate him and will always act accordingly.

Then yesterday two more letters arrive- one from our state and another from the labs of DUI state. Turns out his bloodwork came back at a .24 (!!!!!) which pushes it up to a higher level DUI charge and he is also being charged in our state as well. Today, there were a bunch of letters in my mailbox from companies that install interlock. It is unclear if his liscense will be fully revoked or if he will be able to drive with interlock installed.

Now what? I'm obviously going to move from mediation to a lawyer. If he gets his license revoked, how TF can I share custody? I'm certainly not going to expect my kids to rot in a small apartment for half their lives. I know I'll get legal advice, but what can go into formal divorce paperwork vs parenting plan surrounding drinking? Is this worth keeping the kids from him? I have zero complaints on his parenting til now all things considered.

I cannot afford to buy him out of the house at market rate so our plan was to keep owning the house jointly at least until the daycare payment years are behind us and then re-evaluate if that freed up enough monthly income for me to buy it. Now I feel unsafe having the home I live in remaining a joint asset. Theoretically, can I ask him to sell it to be for $1 and I just assume the higher mortgage rate on the remaining balance we still owe?

I called his brother, told him everything, and we talked for over an hour last night and he was very supportive of me. Ex called his parents and told them. I'm assuming he'll be forced to take some alcohol classes or join AA.

All I want is peace

Thanks for reading, I know that was long.

Sounds like you need to call off the divorce, and each of you work on yourselves and get yourselves together. You both sound like a mess, and for what reason really? Fix your marriage/relationship and enjoy your kids.

Divorce is usually never the correct answer to transient problems. Fix yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you all remember, I kicked him out Oct 30th after finding him talking excessively to his HS girlfriend and deleting all evidence (375+ texts per week). He got a place 3 blocks away, we got the kids right in therapy (he's actually been spearheading that). We have been doing 2-2-5-5 custody which has been going well. The kids have really been doing ok- no major issues on any front- emotional, behavioral, etc. We have been getting the divorce agreement together with a mediator. All was well.

Two weeks ago he was taking the kids to his parents house for a long weekend which is routine. On the way there I texted him "Hope you guys have a fun weekend, be safe!" He called me and started FREAKING OUT- stuttering, half-yelling (we never raise our voices) saying I got what I wanted and he's turning around and taking the kids home and they'll miss their fun weekend. The kids were in the back crying daddy why aren't we going to see our cousins. I almost just typed it was so out of character, but ugh guess idk the true character? Anyway, he took them back to his place, texted me and apologized for the outburst and said he has a ton of pressure at work and he was like to pick ups and the kids were crabby and it was best to turn around anyway. He spent the rest of the weekend sending me pic updates of them baking, at the pool, etc.

Then last week, I went to check my mail box and it was OVERFLOWING. 40+ letters from law firms in the smaller city where his parents live. I obviously knew there was something going on to trigger this so I opened one and they were soliciting to represent him for his recent DUI that I knew nothing about.

I called him and asked if he wanted to tell me why 40 lawyers in Small City, Random State want to send him letters. He said he had no idea. I said looks like they want to represent you for a DUI did you get one? Nope. Ok well you have obliterated my entire life already so before I go searching public records, which is how law firms like this find their targets, here is one last chance. Do you want to tell me? Ok I got a DUI 2 weeks ago. His story was that his parents were traveling and he went to pet sit for them (true), he golfed alone all day and had some beers and got pulled over driving home. He showed up at my house 30 mins later a complete mess (kids were sleeping) sobbing hyperventilating, saying he doesn't know who he is anymore, he doesn't know what's happening, he has no one, blah blah blah. He sobbed on my patio for 45 mins. I conveyed my anger and disgust in my own stern way (not yelling, but he knew I was PISSED) and did remind him that I'm always a few blocks away, we will always have to be a team in some capacity and when the kids dad is healthy that is good for everyone, told him I love my kids exponentially more than I hate him and will always act accordingly.

Then yesterday two more letters arrive- one from our state and another from the labs of DUI state. Turns out his bloodwork came back at a .24 (!!!!!) which pushes it up to a higher level DUI charge and he is also being charged in our state as well. Today, there were a bunch of letters in my mailbox from companies that install interlock. It is unclear if his liscense will be fully revoked or if he will be able to drive with interlock installed.

Now what? I'm obviously going to move from mediation to a lawyer. If he gets his license revoked, how TF can I share custody? I'm certainly not going to expect my kids to rot in a small apartment for half their lives. I know I'll get legal advice, but what can go into formal divorce paperwork vs parenting plan surrounding drinking? Is this worth keeping the kids from him? I have zero complaints on his parenting til now all things considered.

I cannot afford to buy him out of the house at market rate so our plan was to keep owning the house jointly at least until the daycare payment years are behind us and then re-evaluate if that freed up enough monthly income for me to buy it. Now I feel unsafe having the home I live in remaining a joint asset. Theoretically, can I ask him to sell it to be for $1 and I just assume the higher mortgage rate on the remaining balance we still owe?

I called his brother, told him everything, and we talked for over an hour last night and he was very supportive of me. Ex called his parents and told them. I'm assuming he'll be forced to take some alcohol classes or join AA.

All I want is peace

Thanks for reading, I know that was long.

Sounds like you need to call off the divorce, and each of you work on yourselves and get yourselves together. You both sound like a mess, and for what reason really? Fix your marriage/relationship and enjoy your kids.

Divorce is usually never the correct answer to transient problems. Fix yourselves.

Found the husband

[Anonymous]

His alcohol abuse is not your problem, except insofar as it impacts your children.

His feelings are not your problem, except insofar as it impacts your children.

His logistical challenges are not your problem, except insofar as it impacts your children.

See the pattern? This is not your problem. Hold the line, protect your kids, and demand supervised visitation until he can demonstrate that he has completed a recovery program.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you all remember, I kicked him out Oct 30th after finding him talking excessively to his HS girlfriend and deleting all evidence (375+ texts per week). He got a place 3 blocks away, we got the kids right in therapy (he's actually been spearheading that). We have been doing 2-2-5-5 custody which has been going well. The kids have really been doing ok- no major issues on any front- emotional, behavioral, etc. We have been getting the divorce agreement together with a mediator. All was well.

Two weeks ago he was taking the kids to his parents house for a long weekend which is routine. On the way there I texted him "Hope you guys have a fun weekend, be safe!" He called me and started FREAKING OUT- stuttering, half-yelling (we never raise our voices) saying I got what I wanted and he's turning around and taking the kids home and they'll miss their fun weekend. The kids were in the back crying daddy why aren't we going to see our cousins. I almost just typed it was so out of character, but ugh guess idk the true character? Anyway, he took them back to his place, texted me and apologized for the outburst and said he has a ton of pressure at work and he was like to pick ups and the kids were crabby and it was best to turn around anyway. He spent the rest of the weekend sending me pic updates of them baking, at the pool, etc.

Then last week, I went to check my mail box and it was OVERFLOWING. 40+ letters from law firms in the smaller city where his parents live. I obviously knew there was something going on to trigger this so I opened one and they were soliciting to represent him for his recent DUI that I knew nothing about.

I called him and asked if he wanted to tell me why 40 lawyers in Small City, Random State want to send him letters. He said he had no idea. I said looks like they want to represent you for a DUI did you get one? Nope. Ok well you have obliterated my entire life already so before I go searching public records, which is how law firms like this find their targets, here is one last chance. Do you want to tell me? Ok I got a DUI 2 weeks ago. His story was that his parents were traveling and he went to pet sit for them (true), he golfed alone all day and had some beers and got pulled over driving home. He showed up at my house 30 mins later a complete mess (kids were sleeping) sobbing hyperventilating, saying he doesn't know who he is anymore, he doesn't know what's happening, he has no one, blah blah blah. He sobbed on my patio for 45 mins. I conveyed my anger and disgust in my own stern way (not yelling, but he knew I was PISSED) and did remind him that I'm always a few blocks away, we will always have to be a team in some capacity and when the kids dad is healthy that is good for everyone, told him I love my kids exponentially more than I hate him and will always act accordingly.

Then yesterday two more letters arrive- one from our state and another from the labs of DUI state. Turns out his bloodwork came back at a .24 (!!!!!) which pushes it up to a higher level DUI charge and he is also being charged in our state as well. Today, there were a bunch of letters in my mailbox from companies that install interlock. It is unclear if his liscense will be fully revoked or if he will be able to drive with interlock installed.

Now what? I'm obviously going to move from mediation to a lawyer. If he gets his license revoked, how TF can I share custody? I'm certainly not going to expect my kids to rot in a small apartment for half their lives. I know I'll get legal advice, but what can go into formal divorce paperwork vs parenting plan surrounding drinking? Is this worth keeping the kids from him? I have zero complaints on his parenting til now all things considered.

I cannot afford to buy him out of the house at market rate so our plan was to keep owning the house jointly at least until the daycare payment years are behind us and then re-evaluate if that freed up enough monthly income for me to buy it. Now I feel unsafe having the home I live in remaining a joint asset. Theoretically, can I ask him to sell it to be for $1 and I just assume the higher mortgage rate on the remaining balance we still owe?

I called his brother, told him everything, and we talked for over an hour last night and he was very supportive of me. Ex called his parents and told them. I'm assuming he'll be forced to take some alcohol classes or join AA.

All I want is peace

Thanks for reading, I know that was long.

Sounds like you need to call off the divorce, and each of you work on yourselves and get yourselves together. You both sound like a mess, and for what reason really? Fix your marriage/relationship and enjoy your kids.

Divorce is usually never the correct answer to transient problems. Fix yourselves.

WTF are you prattling about? Do you lack self-esteem? OP does not need to fix anything or take back a cheating drunk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you all remember, I kicked him out Oct 30th after finding him talking excessively to his HS girlfriend and deleting all evidence (375+ texts per week). He got a place 3 blocks away, we got the kids right in therapy (he's actually been spearheading that). We have been doing 2-2-5-5 custody which has been going well. The kids have really been doing ok- no major issues on any front- emotional, behavioral, etc. We have been getting the divorce agreement together with a mediator. All was well.

Two weeks ago he was taking the kids to his parents house for a long weekend which is routine. On the way there I texted him "Hope you guys have a fun weekend, be safe!" He called me and started FREAKING OUT- stuttering, half-yelling (we never raise our voices) saying I got what I wanted and he's turning around and taking the kids home and they'll miss their fun weekend. The kids were in the back crying daddy why aren't we going to see our cousins. I almost just typed it was so out of character, but ugh guess idk the true character? Anyway, he took them back to his place, texted me and apologized for the outburst and said he has a ton of pressure at work and he was like to pick ups and the kids were crabby and it was best to turn around anyway. He spent the rest of the weekend sending me pic updates of them baking, at the pool, etc.

Then last week, I went to check my mail box and it was OVERFLOWING. 40+ letters from law firms in the smaller city where his parents live. I obviously knew there was something going on to trigger this so I opened one and they were soliciting to represent him for his recent DUI that I knew nothing about.

I called him and asked if he wanted to tell me why 40 lawyers in Small City, Random State want to send him letters. He said he had no idea. I said looks like they want to represent you for a DUI did you get one? Nope. Ok well you have obliterated my entire life already so before I go searching public records, which is how law firms like this find their targets, here is one last chance. Do you want to tell me? Ok I got a DUI 2 weeks ago. His story was that his parents were traveling and he went to pet sit for them (true), he golfed alone all day and had some beers and got pulled over driving home. He showed up at my house 30 mins later a complete mess (kids were sleeping) sobbing hyperventilating, saying he doesn't know who he is anymore, he doesn't know what's happening, he has no one, blah blah blah. He sobbed on my patio for 45 mins. I conveyed my anger and disgust in my own stern way (not yelling, but he knew I was PISSED) and did remind him that I'm always a few blocks away, we will always have to be a team in some capacity and when the kids dad is healthy that is good for everyone, told him I love my kids exponentially more than I hate him and will always act accordingly.

Then yesterday two more letters arrive- one from our state and another from the labs of DUI state. Turns out his bloodwork came back at a .24 (!!!!!) which pushes it up to a higher level DUI charge and he is also being charged in our state as well. Today, there were a bunch of letters in my mailbox from companies that install interlock. It is unclear if his liscense will be fully revoked or if he will be able to drive with interlock installed.

Now what? I'm obviously going to move from mediation to a lawyer. If he gets his license revoked, how TF can I share custody? I'm certainly not going to expect my kids to rot in a small apartment for half their lives. I know I'll get legal advice, but what can go into formal divorce paperwork vs parenting plan surrounding drinking? Is this worth keeping the kids from him? I have zero complaints on his parenting til now all things considered.

I cannot afford to buy him out of the house at market rate so our plan was to keep owning the house jointly at least until the daycare payment years are behind us and then re-evaluate if that freed up enough monthly income for me to buy it. Now I feel unsafe having the home I live in remaining a joint asset. Theoretically, can I ask him to sell it to be for $1 and I just assume the higher mortgage rate on the remaining balance we still owe?

I called his brother, told him everything, and we talked for over an hour last night and he was very supportive of me. Ex called his parents and told them. I'm assuming he'll be forced to take some alcohol classes or join AA.

All I want is peace

Thanks for reading, I know that was long.

Don’t they stop you from driving immediately if you get a dui? It’s strange that he got the dui and was let to drive.

[Anonymous]

You have 2 serious issues.
1) he cannot drive kids
2) you must separate assets to be judgement proof when he kills somebody driving drunk. House. Money. Retirement assets.
Lawyer. Now.

[Anonymous]

Can someone post the original thred- I feel like there were two cheating spouse threads around that time; one with grown kids and one with young kids… thanns

[Anonymous]

I think you need to talk to a lawyer. I also think that you were hoping that he would be generous and let you stay in the house, and that the cost of giving up mediation and separating assets is likely to be that you won't be able to do that any more.

So, I would talk to the lawyer, and find out all your options, but I would expect difficult choices.