Hi, it's me, vacation wife. STBXH got a DUI mid-divorce- now what?

[Anonymous]

If you all remember, I kicked him out Oct 30th after finding him talking excessively to his HS girlfriend and deleting all evidence (375+ texts per week). He got a place 3 blocks away, we got the kids right in therapy (he's actually been spearheading that). We have been doing 2-2-5-5 custody which has been going well. The kids have really been doing ok- no major issues on any front- emotional, behavioral, etc. We have been getting the divorce agreement together with a mediator. All was well.

Two weeks ago he was taking the kids to his parents house for a long weekend which is routine. On the way there I texted him "Hope you guys have a fun weekend, be safe!" He called me and started FREAKING OUT- stuttering, half-yelling (we never raise our voices) saying I got what I wanted and he's turning around and taking the kids home and they'll miss their fun weekend. The kids were in the back crying daddy why aren't we going to see our cousins. I almost just typed it was so out of character, but ugh guess idk the true character? Anyway, he took them back to his place, texted me and apologized for the outburst and said he has a ton of pressure at work and he was like to pick ups and the kids were crabby and it was best to turn around anyway. He spent the rest of the weekend sending me pic updates of them baking, at the pool, etc.

Then last week, I went to check my mail box and it was OVERFLOWING. 40+ letters from law firms in the smaller city where his parents live. I obviously knew there was something going on to trigger this so I opened one and they were soliciting to represent him for his recent DUI that I knew nothing about.

I called him and asked if he wanted to tell me why 40 lawyers in Small City, Random State want to send him letters. He said he had no idea. I said looks like they want to represent you for a DUI did you get one? Nope. Ok well you have obliterated my entire life already so before I go searching public records, which is how law firms like this find their targets, here is one last chance. Do you want to tell me? Ok I got a DUI 2 weeks ago. His story was that his parents were traveling and he went to pet sit for them (true), he golfed alone all day and had some beers and got pulled over driving home. He showed up at my house 30 mins later a complete mess (kids were sleeping) sobbing hyperventilating, saying he doesn't know who he is anymore, he doesn't know what's happening, he has no one, blah blah blah. He sobbed on my patio for 45 mins. I conveyed my anger and disgust in my own stern way (not yelling, but he knew I was PISSED) and did remind him that I'm always a few blocks away, we will always have to be a team in some capacity and when the kids dad is healthy that is good for everyone, told him I love my kids exponentially more than I hate him and will always act accordingly.

Then yesterday two more letters arrive- one from our state and another from the labs of DUI state. Turns out his bloodwork came back at a .24 (!!!!!) which pushes it up to a higher level DUI charge and he is also being charged in our state as well. Today, there were a bunch of letters in my mailbox from companies that install interlock. It is unclear if his liscense will be fully revoked or if he will be able to drive with interlock installed.

Now what? I'm obviously going to move from mediation to a lawyer. If he gets his license revoked, how TF can I share custody? I'm certainly not going to expect my kids to rot in a small apartment for half their lives. I know I'll get legal advice, but what can go into formal divorce paperwork vs parenting plan surrounding drinking? Is this worth keeping the kids from him? I have zero complaints on his parenting til now all things considered.

I cannot afford to buy him out of the house at market rate so our plan was to keep owning the house jointly at least until the daycare payment years are behind us and then re-evaluate if that freed up enough monthly income for me to buy it. Now I feel unsafe having the home I live in remaining a joint asset. Theoretically, can I ask him to sell it to be for $1 and I just assume the higher mortgage rate on the remaining balance we still owe?

I called his brother, told him everything, and we talked for over an hour last night and he was very supportive of me. Ex called his parents and told them. I'm assuming he'll be forced to take some alcohol classes or join AA.

All I want is peace

Thanks for reading, I know that was long.

[Anonymous]

His DUI’s are not your burden. Your husband needs HELP. You can’t provide that.
Hopefully as a result of his irresponsible behavior and now legal mess he takes some time to do so.

Share what you know with your attorney and go from there.

[Anonymous]

(forgot to point out that his freak out on the way to his parents w the kids was really because he got a DUI there 5 days before that)

[Anonymous]

You get full custody. He isn't a safe person for your children to be around. He isn't capable of doing pick up and drop offs. .24 is not a couple of beers, he was smashed.

I'd negotiate with the house. It's better that the kids stay there. He can come for supervised visits at the home and hang out with them. I have no idea about buying it out or whatnot, but he better be face to the ground begging to do anything he can here. He really f***ed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You get full custody. He isn't a safe person for your children to be around. He isn't capable of doing pick up and drop offs. .24 is not a couple of beers, he was smashed.

I'd negotiate with the house. It's better that the kids stay there. He can come for supervised visits at the home and hang out with them. I have no idea about buying it out or whatnot, but he better be face to the ground begging to do anything he can here. He really f***ed up.

Unfortuantely, you don't just get to decide who has full custody. The default is 50/50 and he didn't have the kids with him so the DUI isn't child endangerment.

[Anonymous]

If he hits someone when he’s drunk and they sue, you need to protect your assets including the house. Talk to a lawyer ASAP about that. Hopefully you can buy him out at a lower rate than market price. Maybe you can then refinance.

The rest is secondary. He can Uber with the kids or get local relatives to drive them around places. Tiresomely, you are probably going to have to do more drop-offs and pickups.

Hopefully he’s in counseling. He blew up his life and needs to pull himself together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You get full custody. He isn't a safe person for your children to be around. He isn't capable of doing pick up and drop offs. .24 is not a couple of beers, he was smashed.

I'd negotiate with the house. It's better that the kids stay there. He can come for supervised visits at the home and hang out with them. I have no idea about buying it out or whatnot, but he better be face to the ground begging to do anything he can here. He really f***ed up.

Unfortuantely, you don't just get to decide who has full custody. The default is 50/50 and he didn't have the kids with him so the DUI isn't child endangerment.

You don't just get to decide, but you sure AF can use it as leverage. He can't fulfill childcare duties at this time. He could go to jail. He has issues with alcohol, and now with the police. These are major issues that should be brought up to adjust custody. Even if only temporary until he sorts it out. OP can say they are staying at the house for summer. He only lives a few blocks away so it's walkable, but he can't take them to school or anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he hits someone when he’s drunk and they sue, you need to protect your assets including the house. Talk to a lawyer ASAP about that. Hopefully you can buy him out at a lower rate than market price. Maybe you can then refinance.

The rest is secondary. He can Uber with the kids or get local relatives to drive them around places. Tiresomely, you are probably going to have to do more drop-offs and pickups.

Hopefully he’s in counseling. He blew up his life and needs to pull himself together.

I don't believe uber is feasible (kids are both in car seats) and he has no local relatives. I am fine driving them everywhere, but if I do that then I want them with me full time. But on the other hand I don't want to hurt my kids relationship with their dad either (I know this is of his own doing).

[Anonymous]

I was a criminal defense lawyer for decades ... people's lives never fall apart in a vacuum. First, they lose their job, then they turn to stupid things like drugs, then they lose their partner, then their family can't stand them, then they sell drugs to buy drugs to forget about their problems. It's a terrible thing and often could have been avoided had someone looked past their failures and stood with them.

[Anonymous]

It seems insane to me that courts wouldn't take a DUI into consideration for custody. That is dangerous behavior, shows that he is incapable of being responsible for himself, let alone children.

[Anonymous]

Take this to your lawyer once you have one. There are a lot of "what if's" right now.

A lot of people live their lives without a vehicle. Your kids don't need to be stuck in an apartment if dad can't drive.

[Anonymous]

OP, this sounds like such a nightmare. I have no idea but I really think it’s time for a lawyer. Protect those kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a criminal defense lawyer for decades ... people's lives never fall apart in a vacuum. First, they lose their job, then they turn to stupid things like drugs, then they lose their partner, then their family can't stand them, then they sell drugs to buy drugs to forget about their problems. It's a terrible thing and often could have been avoided had someone looked past their failures and stood with them.

My first thought reading this post is maybe OP should not have divorced him, but I didn't want to say it. As somehow who has/is considering divorce, what holds me back so that you will be connected to that person for the rest of your life if you have kids, like it or not. There is never a clean break, nor do you want to since you don't want your kids without a functional and present parent. If me staying can prevent a total breakdown, then it might be easier for me to just stay (of course only in situations of no abuse).

[Anonymous]

Believe it or not parents have raised kids in apartments and without a car. Posters thinking that the court will automatically give OP 100% custody because kids will ‘rot’ if they have to stay in an apartment is nonsense. Many parent use public transportation / ride shares and live with their kids in apartments. Those things don’t make someone a horrible person who should not have children. Thinking the courts will take into account your opinion that you are too good for apartments or ride shares isn’t going to fly.

Your issue should be the DUI, not needing your smelling neg salts over apartments and ride shares

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he hits someone when he’s drunk and they sue, you need to protect your assets including the house. Talk to a lawyer ASAP about that. Hopefully you can buy him out at a lower rate than market price. Maybe you can then refinance.

The rest is secondary. He can Uber with the kids or get local relatives to drive them around places. Tiresomely, you are probably going to have to do more drop-offs and pickups.

Hopefully he’s in counseling. He blew up his life and needs to pull himself together.

I don't believe uber is feasible (kids are both in car seats) and he has no local relatives. I am fine driving them everywhere, but if I do that then I want them with me full time. But on the other hand I don't want to hurt my kids relationship with their dad either (I know this is of his own doing).

If he only lives 3 blocks away just keep them for now (based on basic logistics), and tell him he can come visit or take them to a walkable park or whatever is close by. I would literally *tell* him and not ask though. If he puts up a fuss you can deal with it then.