Hi, it's me, vacation wife. STBXH got a DUI mid-divorce- now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This...can't be real. Where do you find such dramatic men in real life? i've known many men across the world and never encountered one like this in person. On TV, in over the top fiction, in movies...sure. But in honst to god real life? zero.

Men are people too. The ending of a marriage and spiraling of addiction are pretty emotional things.

If no men in your life open up to you about their feelings, it says more about you than men in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You won’t get full custody over a single dui. I would push him into therapy though, the ex texts suggest something else is going on wrt identity issues. If he was spearheading that for the kids he should be able to do it for himself, make it part of the mediation agreement.

You need to sell the house. It’s brutal financially and emotionally I know but the sooner you accept it the easier to move on. Frankly it’s a way you are holding onto the life with him you need to let go of too. It’s so much better to each get two townhouses you can afford and move forward without commingled finances.

For now help him handle the dui by hiring and paying for the lawyer.

Sounds like you guys are handling this remarkably well for the kids sake. Some hiccups are inevitable. Best of luck.

I completely agree with this post, and I am in the middle of a divorce with an addict who cheated on me and lied to me. I don't think you necessarily need to go hardball with the lawyer vs mediation. Your ex sounds like mine -- regretful and cooperative. Hardball litigation is necessary when you are divorcing a high conflict person, but it is not the path to peace.

Let go of the house. I sold mine and am a million times happier not being in a real estate partnership with my ex. My little rental is light, bright, beautiful and so so comfortable without the weight of the bad relationship hanging over me and my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You get full custody. He isn't a safe person for your children to be around. He isn't capable of doing pick up and drop offs. .24 is not a couple of beers, he was smashed.

I'd negotiate with the house. It's better that the kids stay there. He can come for supervised visits at the home and hang out with them. I have no idea about buying it out or whatnot, but he better be face to the ground begging to do anything he can here. He really f***ed up.

Give me a break. I don't drink and never had a drop of alcohol. People do drink. Some sadly get carried away and get too drunk and make poor judgment by getting behind the wheels and of course putting themselves and others in danger. Would that make him a bad father? No it would not. He made a catastrophic mistake. He is human.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

Can you repost the link to your original thread? thanks

[Anonymous]

Why are you worried about him being on your home? And no, he can't sell it to you for $1, that's a fraudulent conveyance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a criminal defense lawyer for decades ... people's lives never fall apart in a vacuum. First, they lose their job, then they turn to stupid things like drugs, then they lose their partner, then their family can't stand them, then they sell drugs to buy drugs to forget about their problems. It's a terrible thing and often could have been avoided had someone looked past their failures and stood with them.

Could have been avoided if the DH had kept his d!ck in his pants

But he did? Sounds like he was having an emotional affair maybe, but it was only via text.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Believe it or not parents have raised kids in apartments and without a car. Posters thinking that the court will automatically give OP 100% custody because kids will ‘rot’ if they have to stay in an apartment is nonsense. Many parent use public transportation / ride shares and live with their kids in apartments. Those things don’t make someone a horrible person who should not have children. Thinking the courts will take into account your opinion that you are too good for apartments or ride shares isn’t going to fly.

Your issue should be the DUI, not needing your smelling neg salts over apartments and ride shares

Yeah, this is how the majority of kids in NYC (yes, even UMC kids!) live.

So, um, NYC is set up for this kind of lifestyle. McLean, for example, isn't. I'm not saying OP's comment about rotting in the apartment is apt, she's being dramatic about that, but it's ridiculous to act like NYC and a DMV suburb are the same when it comes to public transportation. I interned one summer with the government and lived with family friends in McLean. I had a beast of a time trying to use public transportation to get to the metro station.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His alcohol abuse is not your problem, except insofar as it impacts your children.

His feelings are not your problem, except insofar as it impacts your children.

His logistical challenges are not your problem, except insofar as it impacts your children.

See the pattern? This is not your problem. Hold the line, protect your kids, and demand supervised visitation until he can demonstrate that he has completed a recovery program.

Which is pretty much all the time. Drinking that much when he has them - a problem. Drinking that much when he doesn't have them and getting a DUI - a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you all remember, I kicked him out Oct 30th after finding him talking excessively to his HS girlfriend and deleting all evidence (375+ texts per week). He got a place 3 blocks away, we got the kids right in therapy (he's actually been spearheading that). We have been doing 2-2-5-5 custody which has been going well. The kids have really been doing ok- no major issues on any front- emotional, behavioral, etc. We have been getting the divorce agreement together with a mediator. All was well.

Two weeks ago he was taking the kids to his parents house for a long weekend which is routine. On the way there I texted him "Hope you guys have a fun weekend, be safe!" He called me and started FREAKING OUT- stuttering, half-yelling (we never raise our voices) saying I got what I wanted and he's turning around and taking the kids home and they'll miss their fun weekend. The kids were in the back crying daddy why aren't we going to see our cousins. I almost just typed it was so out of character, but ugh guess idk the true character? Anyway, he took them back to his place, texted me and apologized for the outburst and said he has a ton of pressure at work and he was like to pick ups and the kids were crabby and it was best to turn around anyway. He spent the rest of the weekend sending me pic updates of them baking, at the pool, etc.

Then last week, I went to check my mail box and it was OVERFLOWING. 40+ letters from law firms in the smaller city where his parents live. I obviously knew there was something going on to trigger this so I opened one and they were soliciting to represent him for his recent DUI that I knew nothing about.

I called him and asked if he wanted to tell me why 40 lawyers in Small City, Random State want to send him letters. He said he had no idea. I said looks like they want to represent you for a DUI did you get one? Nope. Ok well you have obliterated my entire life already so before I go searching public records, which is how law firms like this find their targets, here is one last chance. Do you want to tell me? Ok I got a DUI 2 weeks ago. His story was that his parents were traveling and he went to pet sit for them (true), he golfed alone all day and had some beers and got pulled over driving home. He showed up at my house 30 mins later a complete mess (kids were sleeping) sobbing hyperventilating, saying he doesn't know who he is anymore, he doesn't know what's happening, he has no one, blah blah blah. He sobbed on my patio for 45 mins. I conveyed my anger and disgust in my own stern way (not yelling, but he knew I was PISSED) and did remind him that I'm always a few blocks away, we will always have to be a team in some capacity and when the kids dad is healthy that is good for everyone, told him I love my kids exponentially more than I hate him and will always act accordingly.

Then yesterday two more letters arrive- one from our state and another from the labs of DUI state. Turns out his bloodwork came back at a .24 (!!!!!) which pushes it up to a higher level DUI charge and he is also being charged in our state as well. Today, there were a bunch of letters in my mailbox from companies that install interlock. It is unclear if his liscense will be fully revoked or if he will be able to drive with interlock installed.

Now what? I'm obviously going to move from mediation to a lawyer. If he gets his license revoked, how TF can I share custody? I'm certainly not going to expect my kids to rot in a small apartment for half their lives. I know I'll get legal advice, but what can go into formal divorce paperwork vs parenting plan surrounding drinking? Is this worth keeping the kids from him? I have zero complaints on his parenting til now all things considered.

I cannot afford to buy him out of the house at market rate so our plan was to keep owning the house jointly at least until the daycare payment years are behind us and then re-evaluate if that freed up enough monthly income for me to buy it. Now I feel unsafe having the home I live in remaining a joint asset. Theoretically, can I ask him to sell it to be for $1 and I just assume the higher mortgage rate on the remaining balance we still owe?

I called his brother, told him everything, and we talked for over an hour last night and he was very supportive of me. Ex called his parents and told them. I'm assuming he'll be forced to take some alcohol classes or join AA.

All I want is peace

Thanks for reading, I know that was long.

Don’t they stop you from driving immediately if you get a dui? It’s strange that he got the dui and was let to drive.

They take your license. You don't need it to drive.

So then he drove with his kids with a suspended license? Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't consider this legal advice, but....

While I agree you need to consult an attorney, in most states the key question for protecting the house is how the deed is worded. Many, if not most, married couples who bought a home after they married own that home in a "tenancy by the entirety." That means that they EACH own ALL of the home, so if there is a judgment against ONE of you, the house cannot be taken away from the other one. (Only legally married couples can own property by the entirety.) In other words, a creditor cannot get their hands on your home unless you die before he does. So, before talking to an attorney, dig out the deed for the house and find out how it is worded. A lawyer won't be able to advise you how to protect the house from his creditors without knowing the answer as to whether you own the house as tenants by the entirety or as joint tenants. If it's by the entirety, the rule is usually that a creditor cannot force the sale of the home. If you and he own the house as joint tenants, then in most states, a creditor can force a sale and then a court will decide how much each of you own in determining how the proceeds will be distributed.

Again, this is a matter of state law, so don't consider this legal advice. I just want you to check the deed before you talk to a lawyer. If you do own it as tenants by the entirety, then it's probably wise to keep the deed as is. A sale of his interest for a dollar is almost certainly going to be viewed as fraud if it's not part of some overall divorce agreement.

I doubt you'll get sole custody because of one DUI when the kids were not with him. Not everyone who gets a DUI is an alcoholic BTW. I'm not defending him. I'm just stating a fact.

TLDR: find the deed before you talk to an attorney.

The IRS can definitely foreclose on your house even if only one of you owes taxes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Believe it or not parents have raised kids in apartments and without a car. Posters thinking that the court will automatically give OP 100% custody because kids will ‘rot’ if they have to stay in an apartment is nonsense. Many parent use public transportation / ride shares and live with their kids in apartments. Those things don’t make someone a horrible person who should not have children. Thinking the courts will take into account your opinion that you are too good for apartments or ride shares isn’t going to fly.

Your issue should be the DUI, not needing your smelling neg salts over apartments and ride shares

Yeah, this is how the majority of kids in NYC (yes, even UMC kids!) live.

So, um, NYC is set up for this kind of lifestyle. McLean, for example, isn't. I'm not saying OP's comment about rotting in the apartment is apt, she's being dramatic about that, but it's ridiculous to act like NYC and a DMV suburb are the same when it comes to public transportation. I interned one summer with the government and lived with family friends in McLean. I had a beast of a time trying to use public transportation to get to the metro station.

We all know McLean is lame. Give a better example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a criminal defense lawyer for decades ... people's lives never fall apart in a vacuum. First, they lose their job, then they turn to stupid things like drugs, then they lose their partner, then their family can't stand them, then they sell drugs to buy drugs to forget about their problems. It's a terrible thing and often could have been avoided had someone looked past their failures and stood with them.

Could have been avoided if the DH had kept his d!ck in his pants

But he did? Sounds like he was having an emotional affair maybe, but it was only via text.

So that magically makes everything better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You get full custody. He isn't a safe person for your children to be around. He isn't capable of doing pick up and drop offs. .24 is not a couple of beers, he was smashed.

I'd negotiate with the house. It's better that the kids stay there. He can come for supervised visits at the home and hang out with them. I have no idea about buying it out or whatnot, but he better be face to the ground begging to do anything he can here. He really f***ed up.

Unfortuantely, you don't just get to decide who has full custody. The default is 50/50 and he didn't have the kids with him so the DUI isn't child endangerment.

You don't just get to decide, but you sure AF can use it as leverage. He can't fulfill childcare duties at this time. He could go to jail. He has issues with alcohol, and now with the police. These are major issues that should be brought up to adjust custody. Even if only temporary until he sorts it out. OP can say they are staying at the house for summer. He only lives a few blocks away so it's walkable, but he can't take them to school or anywhere.

In addition to interlock, which he will definitely have if he keeps his license (and by the way, from what I hear in my family group for loved ones of alcoholics it's incredibly hard to work correctly, but hey it's the drinker's fault!), you need BACTrac or similar and court mandated testing for his custody times. At best. That will allow you to ask him to blow into a breathalyzer regularly while he is with the kids so that you can be assured of his safety. If he refuses to test or fails tests, you take that back to the court fo ryour kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a criminal defense lawyer for decades ... people's lives never fall apart in a vacuum. First, they lose their job, then they turn to stupid things like drugs, then they lose their partner, then their family can't stand them, then they sell drugs to buy drugs to forget about their problems. It's a terrible thing and often could have been avoided had someone looked past their failures and stood with them.

Could have been avoided if the DH had kept his d!ck in his pants

But he did? Sounds like he was having an emotional affair maybe, but it was only via text.

Original thread. The STBX is a long-time cheater.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1103665.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he hits someone when he’s drunk and they sue, you need to protect your assets including the house. Talk to a lawyer ASAP about that. Hopefully you can buy him out at a lower rate than market price. Maybe you can then refinance.

The rest is secondary. He can Uber with the kids or get local relatives to drive them around places. Tiresomely, you are probably going to have to do more drop-offs and pickups.

Hopefully he’s in counseling. He blew up his life and needs to pull himself together.

Her kids are in daycare. Sell the freaking house and get your own place independent of him. Dithering and delaying just increases risk while you are tethered to him still.