Hi, it's me, vacation wife. STBXH got a DUI mid-divorce- now what?

[Anonymous]

move from mediation to a lawyer.

That's it
That's the only info/answer you need here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So you want to finish your basement to move your lying cheating STBX in as a result of his recent DUI?

You don't think this will eventually lead to issues? Dare I say if either you move on -- as I'm certain that STBX will if he hasn't already?

Why won't you let go? Why do you think you can fix his issues by inserting yourself?
Why won't you let your lawyers properly advise you?

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You get full custody. He isn't a safe person for your children to be around. He isn't capable of doing pick up and drop offs. .24 is not a couple of beers, he was smashed.

I'd negotiate with the house. It's better that the kids stay there. He can come for supervised visits at the home and hang out with them. I have no idea about buying it out or whatnot, but he better be face to the ground begging to do anything he can here. He really f***ed up.

Unfortuantely, you don't just get to decide who has full custody. The default is 50/50 and he didn't have the kids with him so the DUI isn't child endangerment.

You don't just get to decide, but you sure AF can use it as leverage. He can't fulfill childcare duties at this time. He could go to jail. He has issues with alcohol, and now with the police. These are major issues that should be brought up to adjust custody. Even if only temporary until he sorts it out. OP can say they are staying at the house for summer. He only lives a few blocks away so it's walkable, but he can't take them to school or anywhere.

In addition to interlock, which he will definitely have if he keeps his license (and by the way, from what I hear in my family group for loved ones of alcoholics it's incredibly hard to work correctly, but hey it's the drinker's fault!), you need BACTrac or similar and court mandated testing for his custody times. At best. That will allow you to ask him to blow into a breathalyzer regularly while he is with the kids so that you can be assured of his safety. If he refuses to test or fails tests, you take that back to the court fo ryour kids.

I didn’t read the last couple of pages so apologies if somebody already mentioned this, but as a former defender and former prosecutor and former family law attorney, I must caution that you speak to the children’s counselor and determine some appropriate way of speaking to the children about daddy’s gadgets and how they must never blow into them even if daddy asks them to. I know, that’s awful to consider - but I’ve seen it done by defendants (both moms and dads) so it’s not at all out of the realm of possibility, sadly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a criminal defense lawyer for decades ... people's lives never fall apart in a vacuum. First, they lose their job, then they turn to stupid things like drugs, then they lose their partner, then their family can't stand them, then they sell drugs to buy drugs to forget about their problems. It's a terrible thing and often could have been avoided had someone looked past their failures and stood with them.

Could have been avoided if the DH had kept his d!ck in his pants

But he did? Sounds like he was having an emotional affair maybe, but it was only via text.

So that magically makes everything better?

I didn't say that. The PP said everything could have been avoided if he didn't sleep with someone else, but that doesn't seem to be the problem here.

He had a three year affair. STFU with your cheater apologist sh*t.

You need to chill out or get off the internet. Nowhere before I posted did OP say that he had had an actual affair. I guess she expected everyone would remember every detail from her previous post? Nothing she said before I posted indicted an actual affair. I'll wait for your apology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You get full custody. He isn't a safe person for your children to be around. He isn't capable of doing pick up and drop offs. .24 is not a couple of beers, he was smashed.

I'd negotiate with the house. It's better that the kids stay there. He can come for supervised visits at the home and hang out with them. I have no idea about buying it out or whatnot, but he better be face to the ground begging to do anything he can here. He really f***ed up.

Unfortuantely, you don't just get to decide who has full custody. The default is 50/50 and he didn't have the kids with him so the DUI isn't child endangerment.

You don't just get to decide, but you sure AF can use it as leverage. He can't fulfill childcare duties at this time. He could go to jail. He has issues with alcohol, and now with the police. These are major issues that should be brought up to adjust custody. Even if only temporary until he sorts it out. OP can say they are staying at the house for summer. He only lives a few blocks away so it's walkable, but he can't take them to school or anywhere.

In addition to interlock, which he will definitely have if he keeps his license (and by the way, from what I hear in my family group for loved ones of alcoholics it's incredibly hard to work correctly, but hey it's the drinker's fault!), you need BACTrac or similar and court mandated testing for his custody times. At best. That will allow you to ask him to blow into a breathalyzer regularly while he is with the kids so that you can be assured of his safety. If he refuses to test or fails tests, you take that back to the court fo ryour kids.

I didn’t read the last couple of pages so apologies if somebody already mentioned this, but as a former defender and former prosecutor and former family law attorney, I must caution that you speak to the children’s counselor and determine some appropriate way of speaking to the children about daddy’s gadgets and how they must never blow into them even if daddy asks them to. I know, that’s awful to consider - but I’ve seen it done by defendants (both moms and dads) so it’s not at all out of the realm of possibility, sadly.

BACTrac has you on video while you blow in (or at least BACTrac View does) to theoretically prevent this - and to prevent asking friends as well. Not sure about Interlock.

But yeah, once people start spiraling they will do all sorts of insane stuff that you might never consider.

[Anonymous]

Cheaters are really this fkd up. I’m so sorry.

Mine was drinking in secret and hid it so well. Until he completely fell apart.

There is a high chance he was a functioning alcoholic and you didn’t realize it. This is usually the trajectory. They start more risk taking behavior, the shame leads to more drinking, escaping through cheating, etc.

He’s got serious issues and if I were you I wouldn’t be comfortable having my kids with him alone. This is likely just the tip of the iceberg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a criminal defense lawyer for decades ... people's lives never fall apart in a vacuum. First, they lose their job, then they turn to stupid things like drugs, then they lose their partner, then their family can't stand them, then they sell drugs to buy drugs to forget about their problems. It's a terrible thing and often could have been avoided had someone looked past their failures and stood with them.

Could have been avoided if the DH had kept his d!ck in his pants

But he did? Sounds like he was having an emotional affair maybe, but it was only via text.

So that magically makes everything better?

I didn't say that. The PP said everything could have been avoided if he didn't sleep with someone else, but that doesn't seem to be the problem here.

He had a three year affair. STFU with your cheater apologist sh*t.

You need to chill out or get off the internet. Nowhere before I posted did OP say that he had had an actual affair. I guess she expected everyone would remember every detail from her previous post? Nothing she said before I posted indicted an actual affair. I'll wait for your apology.

DP. Cheater apologists don’t deserve any apologies. You have some nerve.

[Anonymous]

“We never raise our voices”
I already know you’re insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a criminal defense lawyer for decades ... people's lives never fall apart in a vacuum. First, they lose their job, then they turn to stupid things like drugs, then they lose their partner, then their family can't stand them, then they sell drugs to buy drugs to forget about their problems. It's a terrible thing and often could have been avoided had someone looked past their failures and stood with them.

Could have been avoided if the DH had kept his d!ck in his pants

But he did? Sounds like he was having an emotional affair maybe, but it was only via text.

So that magically makes everything better?

I didn't say that. The PP said everything could have been avoided if he didn't sleep with someone else, but that doesn't seem to be the problem here.

He had a three year affair. STFU with your cheater apologist sh*t.

You need to chill out or get off the internet. Nowhere before I posted did OP say that he had had an actual affair. I guess she expected everyone would remember every detail from her previous post? Nothing she said before I posted indicted an actual affair. I'll wait for your apology.

The old thread was posted. No apology for cheater apologists.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like he's suffering immensely. Do you have the bandwidth to help him, OP? It's okay if you dont, but he is your kids' father too. If his life takes this sudden plummet, it's really really really going to hurt your kids too. I would protect yourself, but also practice radical empathy. He may be at a higher suicide risk which would mess your kids up so much more than anything else you could imagine.

[Anonymous]

You really need legal advice on how to protect yourself. I hope there’s some way to protect yourself financially and stay in the house. I would get on it right NOW. I have a family member going through something similar (but worse) and there is every chance he’d doing more than you realize. I would work hard to get him in intensive rehab for your kids sake but also because if he loses his job you may end up supporting him through alimony/child support) that is what happened to my family member. It’s going to be exhausting for awhile but please take it seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like he's suffering immensely. Do you have the bandwidth to help him, OP? It's okay if you dont, but he is your kids' father too. If his life takes this sudden plummet, it's really really really going to hurt your kids too. I would protect yourself, but also practice radical empathy. He may be at a higher suicide risk which would mess your kids up so much more than anything else you could imagine.

Good point op, make sure his life insurance is up to date.

[Anonymous]

Please don’t have him live in the basement. That’s a recipe for disaster. If you think the lower level could be a separate unit of some type, figure out how much you could rent it for and use the extra income to offset an appropriate combo of his rent and the house mortgage.

There are no circumstances under which it is a good idea for you 2 to live together in the same house even if separate units.

Actions have consequences and you can be empathetic and supportive toward him and still maintain boundaries. Boundaries are really important with cheaters and substance users.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t have him live in the basement. That’s a recipe for disaster. If you think the lower level could be a separate unit of some type, figure out how much you could rent it for and use the extra income to offset an appropriate combo of his rent and the house mortgage.

There are no circumstances under which it is a good idea for you 2 to live together in the same house even if separate units.

Actions have consequences and you can be empathetic and supportive toward him and still maintain boundaries. Boundaries are really important with cheaters and substance users.

OP is hoping she can change him.. .. She’s def part his problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don’t have him live in the basement. That’s a recipe for disaster. If you think the lower level could be a separate unit of some type, figure out how much you could rent it for and use the extra income to offset an appropriate combo of his rent and the house mortgage.

There are no circumstances under which it is a good idea for you 2 to live together in the same house even if separate units.

Actions have consequences and you can be empathetic and supportive toward him and still maintain boundaries. Boundaries are really important with cheaters and substance users.

OP is hoping she can change him.. .. She’s def part his problem

On some level she's addicted to him and all the drama surrounding this. She never asked for it, but it gives her life purpose.