Hi, it's me, vacation wife. STBXH got a DUI mid-divorce- now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Believe it or not parents have raised kids in apartments and without a car. Posters thinking that the court will automatically give OP 100% custody because kids will ‘rot’ if they have to stay in an apartment is nonsense. Many parent use public transportation / ride shares and live with their kids in apartments. Those things don’t make someone a horrible person who should not have children. Thinking the courts will take into account your opinion that you are too good for apartments or ride shares isn’t going to fly.

Your issue should be the DUI, not needing your smelling neg salts over apartments and ride shares

Yeah, this is how the majority of kids in NYC (yes, even UMC kids!) live.

Unless OP lives in DC proper, she lives in a car-centric location. DC suburbs aren't anything like NYC.

[Anonymous]

OP I don't know what you should do, but I wanted to be the contrary voice here and advice you to not do some scorched earth moves. Like it or not, he is the father of your children, and it is in both their and your interest that your husband do well in life and that you guys can have a good working relationship in the future. Even though he is at fault for everything up until now, it is still a lot for him to go through and it will/has taken its toll on him. Protect yourself but don't kick him while he is down, and see if you have it within you to be as supportive as you can be (while putting legal protections in place). Only you will know where that line is.

No one should ever try to push someone else more than they need to. People can really spiral and we have all heard of the horrible stories that come from that. I just read the story of the Decker girls, and maybe this is going on a tangent but omg you really never know what someone desperate is capable of doing.

[Anonymous]

OP as painful as it would be, finish the basement as a separate apt and have him move in there. It would eliminate driving for him from the equation and be best for the kids. Do not give up the house or the low rate or the school district or proximity to everything. Treat him as you would any other tenant and put a lease in place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems insane to me that courts wouldn't take a DUI into consideration for custody. That is dangerous behavior, shows that he is incapable of being responsible for himself, let alone children.

They also don't take DV into consideration...so is it really that shocking?

My kids dad liked to hit me but not them. Family court was like “well that’s good! He doesn’t abuse them!” Like he was some award winning man for only hitting their mom.

He has two DUIs and while I had primary custody till HS, it’s - 50/50 state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a criminal defense lawyer for decades ... people's lives never fall apart in a vacuum. First, they lose their job, then they turn to stupid things like drugs, then they lose their partner, then their family can't stand them, then they sell drugs to buy drugs to forget about their problems. It's a terrible thing and often could have been avoided had someone looked past their failures and stood with them.

Could have been avoided if the DH had kept his d!ck in his pants

But he did? Sounds like he was having an emotional affair maybe, but it was only via text.

So that magically makes everything better?

I didn't say that. The PP said everything could have been avoided if he didn't sleep with someone else, but that doesn't seem to be the problem here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I don't know what you should do, but I wanted to be the contrary voice here and advice you to not do some scorched earth moves. Like it or not, he is the father of your children, and it is in both their and your interest that your husband do well in life and that you guys can have a good working relationship in the future. Even though he is at fault for everything up until now, it is still a lot for him to go through and it will/has taken its toll on him. Protect yourself but don't kick him while he is down, and see if you have it within you to be as supportive as you can be (while putting legal protections in place). Only you will know where that line is.

No one should ever try to push someone else more than they need to. People can really spiral and we have all heard of the horrible stories that come from that. I just read the story of the Decker girls, and maybe this is going on a tangent but omg you really never know what someone desperate is capable of doing.

Sound like an alcoholic DUI receiver yourself, eh.

Just because he is the father of the children does not mean she shouldn't protect them FROM him if need be. Asking for custody while he sorts out legal issues and potentially unsafe driving decisions is not "kicking him while he's down", its protecting the safety of her children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a criminal defense lawyer for decades ... people's lives never fall apart in a vacuum. First, they lose their job, then they turn to stupid things like drugs, then they lose their partner, then their family can't stand them, then they sell drugs to buy drugs to forget about their problems. It's a terrible thing and often could have been avoided had someone looked past their failures and stood with them.

Could have been avoided if the DH had kept his d!ck in his pants

But he did? Sounds like he was having an emotional affair maybe, but it was only via text.

So that magically makes everything better?

I didn't say that. The PP said everything could have been avoided if he didn't sleep with someone else, but that doesn't seem to be the problem here.

The texting HS gf was the straw that broke the camels back. He had a 3 year long affair including before, during, and after my pregnancy/birth/postpartum with our little one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems insane to me that courts wouldn't take a DUI into consideration for custody. That is dangerous behavior, shows that he is incapable of being responsible for himself, let alone children.

They also don't take DV into consideration...so is it really that shocking?

For both drinking and DV they will if it's bad enough and there's evidence.

That's where court mandated use of something like BACTrac (and Intoxaloc) comes into play. If the issue spirals then OP has evidence and can go back to court to protect her family as needed.

It's miserable to have to think like this, but important.

Our neighbors got divorced and some of us were subpoenaed to testify regarding the husband's drinking and physical abuse of the children, which we had witnessed. He still got custody. The system is so, so broken. He is an ER doctor and it's like the court just couldn't believe what we were saying about him. None of us wanted to be involved, none of us had it out for him, but we all told the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a criminal defense lawyer for decades ... people's lives never fall apart in a vacuum. First, they lose their job, then they turn to stupid things like drugs, then they lose their partner, then their family can't stand them, then they sell drugs to buy drugs to forget about their problems. It's a terrible thing and often could have been avoided had someone looked past their failures and stood with them.

Could have been avoided if the DH had kept his d!ck in his pants

But he did? Sounds like he was having an emotional affair maybe, but it was only via text.

So that magically makes everything better?

I didn't say that. The PP said everything could have been avoided if he didn't sleep with someone else, but that doesn't seem to be the problem here.

He had a three year affair. STFU with your cheater apologist sh*t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP as painful as it would be, finish the basement as a separate apt and have him move in there. It would eliminate driving for him from the equation and be best for the kids. Do not give up the house or the low rate or the school district or proximity to everything. Treat him as you would any other tenant and put a lease in place.

My ex moved into the guest room when we split up because our dog was dying. I got up earlier and went to work downtown, he worked from home during the day and was with the dog, he would then leave the house in the evening when I'd get home and would come back later at night generally after I'd gone to bed. It was a short-term solution while he looked for something else and while we enjoyed the last month we had with our dog. It would not have been a sustainable option once we started dating people. Maybe that's not on OP's radar (I was younger and we didn't have kids so I definitely wanted to date again), but it's something to consider.

[Anonymous]

I'd stop the divorce proceedings, have the house title changed to you and a trust for the kids (remove him), and have him live in a separate unit downstairs that avoids him having to drive the kids to spend time with them. Once the youngest goes away to college, you can divorce and split the equity in the house and then go your separate ways. You need him to be stable and producing income for your children's sakes.

[Anonymous]

He will get 50-50

[Anonymous]

him living in the basement sounds like the best option. kids don't have to go from house to house. he can pay the going rate, which will almost cover the mortgage.

[Anonymous]

So you want to finish your basement to move your lying cheating STBX in as a result of his recent DUI?

You don't think this will eventually lead to issues? Dare I say if either you move on -- as I'm certain that STBX will if he hasn't already?

Why won't you let go? Why do you think you can fix his issues by inserting yourself?
Why won't you let your lawyers properly advise you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd stop the divorce proceedings, have the house title changed to you and a trust for the kids (remove him), and have him live in a separate unit downstairs that avoids him having to drive the kids to spend time with them. Once the youngest goes away to college, you can divorce and split the equity in the house and then go your separate ways. You need him to be stable and producing income for your children's sakes.

Community property supercedes whatever is on the title.