People who never reciprocate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You think you are "right" about transactional reciprocity being the basis of human relationships - it is FOR YOU, but certainly not for me. I don't expect my kids to cook me dinner or care for me in my old age, or anything else for that matter. I wanted THEM and I do it out of love, not expectation.

I highly suggest you invest in a tutor for reading comprehension skills. I don't think you understand what I wrote or it's meaning. Or don't, I'm not your friend and don't care what you do.

You’re basically saying that you are somehow different than those transactional bean counters who need reciprocity in their relationships. I’m merely pointing out that even in your example of a parent-child relationship, there is self interest.

You like to think you do it out of “love,” but really, this is all just programming via evolution to get your genes passed on. Presuming that you did not adopt your children, you did not choose to have the specific child-beings that you ended up with because you loved THEM. They didn’t even exist. What did exist is your idea of child, which was most likely modeled after yourself and/or your partner.

Also, it is apparent to me that you must think that the people who care about reciprocity in their relationships have a literal tally system or perhaps even use actual beans to keep track of contributions to a relationship. Let me tell you that most likely, these people, rely on emotions just like you to gauge whether their relationships are satisfying. It could feel like anger or a sunken feeling in their stomach that indicates that they’re being taken advantage of or maybe they feel a general sadness and sense of being unloved.

So come off it. We are all so very human.

[Anonymous]

Ugh score keepers are thé worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh score keepers are thé worst.

This is not a tit for tat. It is 100 to ZERO or 50 to ZERO.

[Anonymous]

People are missing the point here. If one person is always doing the hosting or initiating get-togethers, then the friendship is a one way street. It's not about keeping score, it's about reciprocity and making an effort to maintain and developing the friendship. Friendships are a 2 way street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are missing the point here. If one person is always doing the hosting or initiating get-togethers, then the friendship is a one way street. It's not about keeping score, it's about reciprocity and making an effort to maintain and developing the friendship. Friendships are a 2 way street.

+1 People are taking the whole "inviting me for a walk" too literally. Its just an example of showing interesting in the friendship. This is especially important in newer friendships. If one person never initiates or plans or hosts or reaches out then I would assume they are not that interested in maintaining a friendship and I should put my efforts elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are missing the point here. If one person is always doing the hosting or initiating get-togethers, then the friendship is a one way street. It's not about keeping score, it's about reciprocity and making an effort to maintain and developing the friendship. Friendships are a 2 way street.

+1 People are taking the whole "inviting me for a walk" too literally. Its just an example of showing interesting in the friendship. This is especially important in newer friendships. If one person never initiates or plans or hosts or reaches out then I would assume they are not that interested in maintaining a friendship and I should put my efforts elsewhere.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are missing the point here. If one person is always doing the hosting or initiating get-togethers, then the friendship is a one way street. It's not about keeping score, it's about reciprocity and making an effort to maintain and developing the friendship. Friendships are a 2 way street.

You are obviously more high maintenance than the people you are trying to befriend. They won’t give you what you need. Cut them off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are missing the point here. If one person is always doing the hosting or initiating get-togethers, then the friendship is a one way street. It's not about keeping score, it's about reciprocity and making an effort to maintain and developing the friendship. Friendships are a 2 way street.

+1 People are taking the whole "inviting me for a walk" too literally. Its just an example of showing interesting in the friendship. This is especially important in newer friendships. If one person never initiates or plans or hosts or reaches out then I would assume they are not that interested in maintaining a friendship and I should put my efforts elsewhere.

I guess I don’t get this. If I ask someone if they are available to take a walk during my lunch break, and they arrange their life so that they are home and available and have some kind of childcare during my lunch break, then we both put effort into getting together.
Same thing with a party. If people block their calendar, hire a sitter, get dressed up, and get some kind of gift, then they put some effort into going to your party and maintaining the friendship.

The only way this makes sense is if you assume that all of your friends are just sitting at home, staring blankly at the wall and waiting around for someone to invite them to do something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the replies… but are people really hosting dinner parties & cookouts that often? We almost never invite adults to our house, and have very rarely been invited to other people’s houses. We occasionally eat out with other families, but usually if kids & parents get together, we meet at a neutral location and go for a hike, visit a museum, etc.

My parents were/are very welcoming of people dropping by but also never hosted dinner parties. Maybe it’s a class thing or regional thing.

As for the OP, yes, I have friends like that, but oh well. We keep inviting them to do stuff & continue to have their kids over to play. The ones I stop inviting are the ones who always cancel after saying they can meet up.

Yes. We actually host dinner parties, brunches and tea parties.

But, we have seasons that we host people, and then months that we do not host at home. For example - we have not hosted large groups for dinner at home since November, all the way to Feb. We have only called very close family for dinner and it has not been super fancy. March-April and May will be the time that I will host several dinners and tea-parties. Each will include different groups of people. Then I will be busy in Sept-Oct to host a series of religious celebrations. Some other families like to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas. So, I will cook several dishes and take it to their homes for celebrations like each year. My Thanksgiving and Christmas remains limited to my close family, and it very often means catered food.

In the months that I don't entertain at home. I basically invite people to restaurants, plays, dinners, spa, walks and movies OR we attend as guests the parties we are invited to. The truth is that there is a real cost in terms of physical labor, time, effort, money, planning. stress etc. Also, the "off times" is required so that the house can be made 'guest and entertaining ready'. Besides, your normal regular life also continues.

If you are calling large groups of people - there is economy of scale for sure, but, your entire house has to be 'guest and entertaining ready' to accomodate everyone. The reason that I entertain in cluster is that I can book some help a few months out, as well as economize on booze, cleaning, food etc. The house gets deep cleaned and spruced for one party, and it remains quite clean and spruced up for the next one too with a bit of effort.

It is NOT EASY to host because you have to clean a lot, make space, figure out seating, figure out serving dishes and other stuff, before you even think of drinks, food, and entertainment. And if you don't host regularly, you absolutely lose confidence in your ability to host. You forget how to do things. Your brain does not function in the host mode at all.

Please say more about these adult tea parties you host! I am agog.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the replies… but are people really hosting dinner parties & cookouts that often? We almost never invite adults to our house, and have very rarely been invited to other people’s houses. We occasionally eat out with other families, but usually if kids & parents get together, we meet at a neutral location and go for a hike, visit a museum, etc.

My parents were/are very welcoming of people dropping by but also never hosted dinner parties. Maybe it’s a class thing or regional thing.

As for the OP, yes, I have friends like that, but oh well. We keep inviting them to do stuff & continue to have their kids over to play. The ones I stop inviting are the ones who always cancel after saying they can meet up.

Yes. We actually host dinner parties, brunches and tea parties.

But, we have seasons that we host people, and then months that we do not host at home. For example - we have not hosted large groups for dinner at home since November, all the way to Feb. We have only called very close family for dinner and it has not been super fancy. March-April and May will be the time that I will host several dinners and tea-parties. Each will include different groups of people. Then I will be busy in Sept-Oct to host a series of religious celebrations. Some other families like to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas. So, I will cook several dishes and take it to their homes for celebrations like each year. My Thanksgiving and Christmas remains limited to my close family, and it very often means catered food.

In the months that I don't entertain at home. I basically invite people to restaurants, plays, dinners, spa, walks and movies OR we attend as guests the parties we are invited to. The truth is that there is a real cost in terms of physical labor, time, effort, money, planning. stress etc. Also, the "off times" is required so that the house can be made 'guest and entertaining ready'. Besides, your normal regular life also continues.

If you are calling large groups of people - there is economy of scale for sure, but, your entire house has to be 'guest and entertaining ready' to accommodate everyone. The reason that I entertain in cluster is that I can book some help a few months out, as well as economize on booze, cleaning, food etc. The house gets deep cleaned and spruced for one party, and it remains quite clean and spruced up for the next one too with a bit of effort.

It is NOT EASY to host because you have to clean a lot, make space, figure out seating, figure out serving dishes and other stuff, before you even think of drinks, food, and entertainment. And if you don't host regularly, you absolutely lose confidence in your ability to host. You forget how to do things. Your brain does not function in the host mode at all.

Please say more about these adult tea parties you host! I am agog.

I mainly only host ladies for tea parties. Usually women who can be easily grouped together. Neighbors, relatives, mom-friends, hobby/activity group etc. DH and kids are told to become invisible until I need them for helping me. I usually create a group for the invite, instructions, reminders, thank yous and sending photos of the tea-party. This also allows people to know who all are invited to the party, what their contact info is etc.

Menu consists of variety of tea-sandwiches (cucumber, egg, salmon), homemade baked goods, several filling savory dishes, some snacks that are bought etc. Food is arranged on the dining table for people to self serve. Also, lemon water, plates, silverware, napkins, condiments etc. I usually buy flowers from Costco or TJ and display it around the house and also where food is served. If more than 6 people are invited, I make sure that tea is already brewed with milk. I don't add any sweetner. Guests can choose to add sugar or sweetner. I also give a choice of lemon water, caffeine-free tea or instant coffee.

I stick to 4 pm tea time. Before the party, I arrange the seating so everyone can sit in one big room and also it is easy for me to serve tea. That's it.

People talk to each other because mostly they know each other and it is usually very lively conversation. People are asked to dress well as we take group pictures and that's pretty much how the party ends.

After everyone leaves - I run the dishwasher and hand wash any delicate serveware or tea-cups. We put back the chairs and seating in their proper place, I vacuum and mop, and then I send all the group pictures to the attendees.

When my entertaining season starts, I start with tea-parties. It is way easier than a full fledged dinner and does not go as long as a dinner. Also, menu is easier and can be as eclectic as you want. I start off by hosting neighbors, hobby-friends, mom-friends, relatives etc first. It gets me into the swing of things and people around me don't feel left out if they are not invited to dinners etc because they have been invited to tea parties. Tea parties also gives me a chance to try out any new appetizers I want to serve in more formal dinners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the replies… but are people really hosting dinner parties & cookouts that often? We almost never invite adults to our house, and have very rarely been invited to other people’s houses. We occasionally eat out with other families, but usually if kids & parents get together, we meet at a neutral location and go for a hike, visit a museum, etc.

My parents were/are very welcoming of people dropping by but also never hosted dinner parties. Maybe it’s a class thing or regional thing.

As for the OP, yes, I have friends like that, but oh well. We keep inviting them to do stuff & continue to have their kids over to play. The ones I stop inviting are the ones who always cancel after saying they can meet up.

Yes. We actually host dinner parties, brunches and tea parties.

But, we have seasons that we host people, and then months that we do not host at home. For example - we have not hosted large groups for dinner at home since November, all the way to Feb. We have only called very close family for dinner and it has not been super fancy. March-April and May will be the time that I will host several dinners and tea-parties. Each will include different groups of people. Then I will be busy in Sept-Oct to host a series of religious celebrations. Some other families like to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas. So, I will cook several dishes and take it to their homes for celebrations like each year. My Thanksgiving and Christmas remains limited to my close family, and it very often means catered food.

In the months that I don't entertain at home. I basically invite people to restaurants, plays, dinners, spa, walks and movies OR we attend as guests the parties we are invited to. The truth is that there is a real cost in terms of physical labor, time, effort, money, planning. stress etc. Also, the "off times" is required so that the house can be made 'guest and entertaining ready'. Besides, your normal regular life also continues.

If you are calling large groups of people - there is economy of scale for sure, but, your entire house has to be 'guest and entertaining ready' to accommodate everyone. The reason that I entertain in cluster is that I can book some help a few months out, as well as economize on booze, cleaning, food etc. The house gets deep cleaned and spruced for one party, and it remains quite clean and spruced up for the next one too with a bit of effort.

It is NOT EASY to host because you have to clean a lot, make space, figure out seating, figure out serving dishes and other stuff, before you even think of drinks, food, and entertainment. And if you don't host regularly, you absolutely lose confidence in your ability to host. You forget how to do things. Your brain does not function in the host mode at all.

Please say more about these adult tea parties you host! I am agog.

I mainly only host ladies for tea parties. Usually women who can be easily grouped together. Neighbors, relatives, mom-friends, hobby/activity group etc. DH and kids are told to become invisible until I need them for helping me. I usually create a group for the invite, instructions, reminders, thank yous and sending photos of the tea-party. This also allows people to know who all are invited to the party, what their contact info is etc.

Menu consists of variety of tea-sandwiches (cucumber, egg, salmon), homemade baked goods, several filling savory dishes, some snacks that are bought etc. Food is arranged on the dining table for people to self serve. Also, lemon water, plates, silverware, napkins, condiments etc. I usually buy flowers from Costco or TJ and display it around the house and also where food is served. If more than 6 people are invited, I make sure that tea is already brewed with milk. I don't add any sweetner. Guests can choose to add sugar or sweetner. I also give a choice of lemon water, caffeine-free tea or instant coffee.

I stick to 4 pm tea time. Before the party, I arrange the seating so everyone can sit in one big room and also it is easy for me to serve tea. That's it.

People talk to each other because mostly they know each other and it is usually very lively conversation. People are asked to dress well as we take group pictures and that's pretty much how the party ends.

After everyone leaves - I run the dishwasher and hand wash any delicate serveware or tea-cups. We put back the chairs and seating in their proper place, I vacuum and mop, and then I send all the group pictures to the attendees.

When my entertaining season starts, I start with tea-parties. It is way easier than a full fledged dinner and does not go as long as a dinner. Also, menu is easier and can be as eclectic as you want. I start off by hosting neighbors, hobby-friends, mom-friends, relatives etc first. It gets me into the swing of things and people around me don't feel left out if they are not invited to dinners etc because they have been invited to tea parties. Tea parties also gives me a chance to try out any new appetizers I want to serve in more formal dinners.

Emily Gilmore?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the replies… but are people really hosting dinner parties & cookouts that often? We almost never invite adults to our house, and have very rarely been invited to other people’s houses. We occasionally eat out with other families, but usually if kids & parents get together, we meet at a neutral location and go for a hike, visit a museum, etc.

My parents were/are very welcoming of people dropping by but also never hosted dinner parties. Maybe it’s a class thing or regional thing.

As for the OP, yes, I have friends like that, but oh well. We keep inviting them to do stuff & continue to have their kids over to play. The ones I stop inviting are the ones who always cancel after saying they can meet up.

Yes. We actually host dinner parties, brunches and tea parties.

But, we have seasons that we host people, and then months that we do not host at home. For example - we have not hosted large groups for dinner at home since November, all the way to Feb. We have only called very close family for dinner and it has not been super fancy. March-April and May will be the time that I will host several dinners and tea-parties. Each will include different groups of people. Then I will be busy in Sept-Oct to host a series of religious celebrations. Some other families like to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas. So, I will cook several dishes and take it to their homes for celebrations like each year. My Thanksgiving and Christmas remains limited to my close family, and it very often means catered food.

In the months that I don't entertain at home. I basically invite people to restaurants, plays, dinners, spa, walks and movies OR we attend as guests the parties we are invited to. The truth is that there is a real cost in terms of physical labor, time, effort, money, planning. stress etc. Also, the "off times" is required so that the house can be made 'guest and entertaining ready'. Besides, your normal regular life also continues.

If you are calling large groups of people - there is economy of scale for sure, but, your entire house has to be 'guest and entertaining ready' to accommodate everyone. The reason that I entertain in cluster is that I can book some help a few months out, as well as economize on booze, cleaning, food etc. The house gets deep cleaned and spruced for one party, and it remains quite clean and spruced up for the next one too with a bit of effort.

It is NOT EASY to host because you have to clean a lot, make space, figure out seating, figure out serving dishes and other stuff, before you even think of drinks, food, and entertainment. And if you don't host regularly, you absolutely lose confidence in your ability to host. You forget how to do things. Your brain does not function in the host mode at all.

Please say more about these adult tea parties you host! I am agog.

I mainly only host ladies for tea parties. Usually women who can be easily grouped together. Neighbors, relatives, mom-friends, hobby/activity group etc. DH and kids are told to become invisible until I need them for helping me. I usually create a group for the invite, instructions, reminders, thank yous and sending photos of the tea-party. This also allows people to know who all are invited to the party, what their contact info is etc.

Menu consists of variety of tea-sandwiches (cucumber, egg, salmon), homemade baked goods, several filling savory dishes, some snacks that are bought etc. Food is arranged on the dining table for people to self serve. Also, lemon water, plates, silverware, napkins, condiments etc. I usually buy flowers from Costco or TJ and display it around the house and also where food is served. If more than 6 people are invited, I make sure that tea is already brewed with milk. I don't add any sweetner. Guests can choose to add sugar or sweetner. I also give a choice of lemon water, caffeine-free tea or instant coffee.

I stick to 4 pm tea time. Before the party, I arrange the seating so everyone can sit in one big room and also it is easy for me to serve tea. That's it.

People talk to each other because mostly they know each other and it is usually very lively conversation. People are asked to dress well as we take group pictures and that's pretty much how the party ends.

After everyone leaves - I run the dishwasher and hand wash any delicate serveware or tea-cups. We put back the chairs and seating in their proper place, I vacuum and mop, and then I send all the group pictures to the attendees.

When my entertaining season starts, I start with tea-parties. It is way easier than a full fledged dinner and does not go as long as a dinner. Also, menu is easier and can be as eclectic as you want. I start off by hosting neighbors, hobby-friends, mom-friends, relatives etc first. It gets me into the swing of things and people around me don't feel left out if they are not invited to dinners etc because they have been invited to tea parties. Tea parties also gives me a chance to try out any new appetizers I want to serve in more formal dinners.

How old are your kids?

I have 3 kids and afternoon is peak time for us with sports on weekdays and weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the replies… but are people really hosting dinner parties & cookouts that often? We almost never invite adults to our house, and have very rarely been invited to other people’s houses. We occasionally eat out with other families, but usually if kids & parents get together, we meet at a neutral location and go for a hike, visit a museum, etc.

My parents were/are very welcoming of people dropping by but also never hosted dinner parties. Maybe it’s a class thing or regional thing.

As for the OP, yes, I have friends like that, but oh well. We keep inviting them to do stuff & continue to have their kids over to play. The ones I stop inviting are the ones who always cancel after saying they can meet up.

Yes. We actually host dinner parties, brunches and tea parties.

But, we have seasons that we host people, and then months that we do not host at home. For example - we have not hosted large groups for dinner at home since November, all the way to Feb. We have only called very close family for dinner and it has not been super fancy. March-April and May will be the time that I will host several dinners and tea-parties. Each will include different groups of people. Then I will be busy in Sept-Oct to host a series of religious celebrations. Some other families like to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas. So, I will cook several dishes and take it to their homes for celebrations like each year. My Thanksgiving and Christmas remains limited to my close family, and it very often means catered food.

In the months that I don't entertain at home. I basically invite people to restaurants, plays, dinners, spa, walks and movies OR we attend as guests the parties we are invited to. The truth is that there is a real cost in terms of physical labor, time, effort, money, planning. stress etc. Also, the "off times" is required so that the house can be made 'guest and entertaining ready'. Besides, your normal regular life also continues.

If you are calling large groups of people - there is economy of scale for sure, but, your entire house has to be 'guest and entertaining ready' to accommodate everyone. The reason that I entertain in cluster is that I can book some help a few months out, as well as economize on booze, cleaning, food etc. The house gets deep cleaned and spruced for one party, and it remains quite clean and spruced up for the next one too with a bit of effort.

It is NOT EASY to host because you have to clean a lot, make space, figure out seating, figure out serving dishes and other stuff, before you even think of drinks, food, and entertainment. And if you don't host regularly, you absolutely lose confidence in your ability to host. You forget how to do things. Your brain does not function in the host mode at all.

Please say more about these adult tea parties you host! I am agog.

I mainly only host ladies for tea parties. Usually women who can be easily grouped together. Neighbors, relatives, mom-friends, hobby/activity group etc. DH and kids are told to become invisible until I need them for helping me. I usually create a group for the invite, instructions, reminders, thank yous and sending photos of the tea-party. This also allows people to know who all are invited to the party, what their contact info is etc.

Menu consists of variety of tea-sandwiches (cucumber, egg, salmon), homemade baked goods, several filling savory dishes, some snacks that are bought etc. Food is arranged on the dining table for people to self serve. Also, lemon water, plates, silverware, napkins, condiments etc. I usually buy flowers from Costco or TJ and display it around the house and also where food is served. If more than 6 people are invited, I make sure that tea is already brewed with milk. I don't add any sweetner. Guests can choose to add sugar or sweetner. I also give a choice of lemon water, caffeine-free tea or instant coffee.

I stick to 4 pm tea time. Before the party, I arrange the seating so everyone can sit in one big room and also it is easy for me to serve tea. That's it.

People talk to each other because mostly they know each other and it is usually very lively conversation. People are asked to dress well as we take group pictures and that's pretty much how the party ends.

After everyone leaves - I run the dishwasher and hand wash any delicate serveware or tea-cups. We put back the chairs and seating in their proper place, I vacuum and mop, and then I send all the group pictures to the attendees.

When my entertaining season starts, I start with tea-parties. It is way easier than a full fledged dinner and does not go as long as a dinner. Also, menu is easier and can be as eclectic as you want. I start off by hosting neighbors, hobby-friends, mom-friends, relatives etc first. It gets me into the swing of things and people around me don't feel left out if they are not invited to dinners etc because they have been invited to tea parties. Tea parties also gives me a chance to try out any new appetizers I want to serve in more formal dinners.

How old are your kids?

I have 3 kids and afternoon is peak time for us with sports on weekdays and weekends.

I’m guessing her kids are in their mid-40’s.

[Anonymous]

Some people here are being manipulative by calling the OP, "transactional" for wanting reciprocation. Everybody whether they admit it or not wants reciprocation in some way or another.

Unless you are wearing diapers and drinking your dinner through a nipple, then you have an obligation to reciprocate to your fellow human being. Also we are a social species and we have evolved on the basis of mutual exchange. When someone in your circle does not reciprocate it sends a signal on a primal perhaps unconscious level that this person is going to be a drain on resources.

I wouldn't be surprised if some of those who defend non-reciprocation feel a little bit guilty for their lack of contribution, and their triggered because the OP words hit a little bit too close to home. Or maybe some of them are just plain narcissistic and feel no empathy for the time and effort other people gave to something that they took the pleasure in enjoying.

And sure some here might have justifiable reasons for why they can't reciprocate the invitations but upon closer consideration, it doesn't make any sense. There are many other ways to show gratitude besides direct one for one transactions that don't require money or time. Maybe help clean up after the party or maybe offer to help in the preparation. There are millions of ways to give back in a meaningful if one is merely willing to put in the time and thought.

Also nobody here is an eternal well spring of generosity. This idea of unconditional kindness that some people place on other is what allows entitled people to continue their game. I am not having it.

My suggestion to the OP is straight up ask those people if they wouldn't mind returning the favor sometime. Bring it up in a friendly casual non-threatening way, and see how they take it. If they suddenly become self righteous, well that's your answer.

[Anonymous]

People who attend parties don't really want to be there. Stop throwing parties, no one wants to go. They are doing you a favor by showing up. They don't want to throw more parties at their own homes. Stop already.